Last night made me so happy. I don't want to lose this.

Bloody horrible.  Mom offered me a piece of new bread that she just got from the store. She gave me a chunk the size of my two fists. So I ripped off about 1/6 of that and gave her back the other part. Then she said, "Are you trying to starve yourself?" So my stomach turns, I freak out and my mind races remembering that last time someone got a hint I flipped out and they got the picture that they were right. So I say, cool as can be, "No, I truely just want a taste of it." So I sit back down and I can't think straight. Does she know ? Did Jose tell her? Will I ever get along with her again? Will I hold anger towards her for the rest of my life? I don't know yet. Then after dinner she's making a shake and hands me the condensed milk can [aka sugar and honey and fat]. And there's like a whole 1/4 of a cup in the bottom of the can, so I say, "Are you trying to send me a message?" See I confronted it Jeff. And she said that she wasn't. bullshit. She didn't offer it to anyone else, just me. I hate her for this. I truely hate her for it. How could she do this to me? She was one of my favorite people and she just guns me down. I feel so hurt. Like I just lost one of my best friends [though we weren't ever that close, she practically doesn't know me and that makes me feel even worse]. I think she knows. Oh my gosh, that would be so horrible. Do I need to tell her? No, I'd die. I cna't. I absolutely can't. But I should. I don't kow. I give up. I wanna stop being like anything of what I am right now. But I can't bear to go through with it. I'm bawling my eyes out now over something so light as TALKING about talking to her. oh my gosh, this isn't going to work. I'm too scared.

too busy sucking at life, to go out with friends to the mall, or to go to the movies, or hangout. or go to a friends house. No I'm sitting at home while my dad yells at my brother for not knowing where he heard that the scientist who discovered spinach moved the decimal point to the right one space, therefore multiply the amont of iron in spinach by 10. Thats why I suck at life and Solveig doesn't! I can't calm down by the way, or relax. I'm wired to have emotions sky high and sky low. Got it?! I can't RELAX. I CAN'T, so stop yelling at me to!!!!! And when you all go out, do you invite me? No, didn't think so. So stop saying that what I'm saying is bullshit because it's not. You are better than me, deal with it. Because I'm dealing with it JUUUUUUUUUUUUST FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE. Can't you tell?!?!? "I am fat. I am ugly. I have bad acne. I am too serious. I play an instrument ." <-----is all anyone in the world will eeeeeeeever need to know about me. That's all. There's nothing more. i'm just a carcass, with an inside of bubbling anger, jealousy, and grudges.

I hate all of you. None of you seem to understand. None of you notice none of you care. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular just in fucking general. Because everyone's the same, aren't they? No one stands out from the crowd. Because all of you are tooo busy with your eyes on Solveig. Always Solveig. Never me, but I can understand that. Really I can. I know I'm not as pretty or skinny or socially acceptable as her. I'm DEFINITELY NOT. But you'd think someone in almost 14 years would say, "Yeah, I like you." But no, no one has said that. I know people [no names of course] who have had at least 10 people crushed on them. But not me. I'm just a reject of the rejects.  All the upper classmen band people hate me, and you know what, I hate you back. I hate every single one of you. I hate how you treat me like shit just because I beat you out. I hate how you won't even say hi to me in the hall. Just give me that evil stare. You know you hate me. Back to the subject of guys...there's nothing more to say. All guys hate me and I hate all guys. I hate most girls to. I know, I don't act like I hate you, but every small insignificant thing about each of you bugs me. Ticks me off. Pisses me off. Makes me loathe you. Makes me HATE you.

Every single person out there. Every single human sucks. Every single one that I have met. All of you. ALL OF YOU!

Playing alto in wind ensemble. >:-O. Grrrrrrrr x a gazillion. Really pissed me off.

I'm sick of it. I always hang out with Solveig, and watch as the guys flock her. Literally. She even bet that she'd go a MONTH without a boyfriend. When I've managed to go 13 years. I mean, fucking come on! Grrr, and she's so pretty it's not even funny. I'm jsut this fucking oddball, who dresses like a guy and acts like a guy and a girl combined, I suck at life, that's all there is to it. I SUCK AT LIFE!!!!!!!

Yeah, I only have 8 cool points. Yeah, I've never beaten Mr. Massey at poker. Yeah, I don't have as many friends as the next person. True, I don't have a steady income. I'm not as pretty as the next person. I'm not as socialable as the next person. I don't have guys flocking me. I can't catch or throw a football. I suck at running. I can't sit in a chair correctly becaues my legs are fat. I hate my dad he can fucking burn in hell. I can't play vibrato correctly. I'm not invited to go places. I prefer to stay in my house than to go uptown with my 'friends'. I don't ACT depressed. I don't have depression. But if you think that means I can't have bouts of depression than you're dead wrong. My life is oh so fabulous?? I'm glad you've been with me 24-hours a day and know exactly how every single second of my life goes... Ok, I'm gld I got that out.

Upperclassmen clarinets suck dick. They think they're fabulous. They recommended that Solveig and I not be section leaders. That's stupid. What's their problem?! They're still section leaders, just not the only ones. They should shut their fucking mouths and just take it like a man. Because it's pansy-like to say "I don't want her being section leader because she doesn't have as much experience" when it doesn't even effect you!! Grrr... jerkfaces. Oh, first day of school=fantabulous!!! High school kicks ass. Except for stupid upperclassmen, again who are jerks. But whatever.  MB Practice *rock pose* awesome. woot! Basically a happy day. ^_^

Upperclassmen clarinets suck dick. They think they're fabulous. They recommended that Solveig and I not be section leaders. That's stupid. What's their problem?! They're still section leaders, just not the only ones. They should shut their fucking mouths and just take it like a man. Because it's pansy-like to say "I don't want her being section leader because she doesn't have as much experience" when it doesn't even effect you!! Grrr... jerkfaces. Oh, first day of school=fantabulous!!! High school kicks ass. Except for stupid upperclassmen, again who are jerks. But whatever.  MB Practice *rock pose* awesome. woot! Basically a happy day. ^_^

Alright, well now that I'm in a little better mood I thought I'd write about something else, ya know just vent a little anger and self-loathing to get it out of my system...think of it as dialysis. I hate cookie dough first of all. It makes you feel so large and huge. It just convinces you that the next bite will bring you eternal happiness, and before you know it you've eaten a quarter of the package. I wish I could be alone because I don't want this cookie dough to stay down there. Yuck. Alright, major change has to come from this. I NEED personal discipline. I can't do it. I just slime away and say later later no later. Grrr. ok I'm done.

GRRR! I fucking hate this! All this about who plays what instrument and what part and what chair. Mr. Massey makes it so that the highest scoring player plays 1st chair, 1st clarinet. The second plays 1st chair, second clarinet. That's me. But then when the third playeres is 1st chair, 3rd clarinet, the 4th clarinet player loops over and plays 1st clarinet, 2nd chair. Which sucks. I don't think it's very fair. Fuck this. I suck at life. I can't do anything right, let's just hope I don't fuck over my jazz audition. If I do, I will be so pissed. I hate how this is suppose to work. Granted the system does work, because you have a'strong' player in each section. But come on!! I will probably always be 1st chair, 2nd clarinet. Because undoubtedly Sollveig will get 1st chair, 1st clarinet. :-( XO This fucking sucks.

This is freaking not good. My uncle hasn't paid his loan. So if he files for bankrupcy, the bank will come to us for the money becase my parents signed as trustees because he said he would pay it off. Fuck him!! They're going to come after us for 42,000 dollars!!! 42,000!!! And so we'll have to sell basically all of our cars, cut down how much we buy, and take away money from what we've saved up for college! And I'll probably have to stop taking lessons on my instruments, and idk. I'm really angry. And we all know what I do when I get angry...And we probably won't be able to heat the house this winter, or go on the Wind Ensemble trips. :-( Why doesn't he just pay his fucking loan. Ok maybe I'm not getting the point across. He's ruining his life [and his familys'] and our life!!!!! I hate you Craige, fucking burn in hell, I'll watch you die. You bet your fucking ass I will.

Colin is an idiot. Everytime he makes me think he could possible be not as jerky as he usually is, he goes and makes me look like an idiot. What an asshole. I hope he gets hurt. I hope I didn't put Heather in a lot of shit. I just asked if it would be extremely bad if someone didn't show up on Friday for night-rehersal, and Phil was like, "What?! Who's not showing up for night rehersal?" And then Kenzie got involved and asked me and Pat and Phil and I hate being surrounded by millions of people and I hesitated and said, "Heather Cronin." GRRRRRR! I just blurted it out! I hate that. So now I don't know what they're going to do, I shouldn't have opened my mouth, and now I'm gonna be killed by either Heather or Phil.

anger!!!!! Ummm, anger and...anger! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr, this is pissing me off! I can't take it. I can't take it, I don't know what to do. [ignore the repetition].

Hell week, soo good. It was jpretty good today. Had a lot of fun during Freshman Fundamentals though during the competition for the loudest 'HUT' I messed up and went to attention at least a beat earlier. But whatever, then I won Medusa. Completely took me by surprise. That was fun. Then sectionals, which I almost feinted in, I got pressure in my ears, dots in my eyes and I was extremely dizzy. So I couldn't play for 1/3 of the time, but the night rehersal was awesome as well. I love Marching Band. ^_^

Grrr...I hate this. Had disgusting watermelon for lunch, it's better when it's cold. Feel very down. Oh well, I get tolook for to 'hell' soon. ^_^

Ok MAJOR vent...
the guy I really love, is going through something incredibly rough. His parents are getting divorced. Last year around this time...we met. We have been talking ever since. Until about three months ago, we had been incredibly open. Then we all of a sudden stopped talking...mainly my fault because I didn't trust him. Then when I emailed him and asked him what's up after about 2 months of not talking he told me his parents were getting a divorce... I was so upset because I had just asked him if he hated me and why, well I more like stated that he hated me. And...I love him. I'm not going to say that when other teen say they love each other that they don't mean but I think some don't. I would die for him. I would starve myself for a week. Just to hold his hand. Just to be within 5 feet of him. But alas, it is not to be. He lives in New Jersey and that's hardly 5 feet away. God, I don't think he knows...knows how I love him. Perhaps not. I wish we [w/c]ould talk. He doesn't seem to have the time. I hate how he always apologizes for not being on...it's not his fault.  And the thing is...I truely think he doesn't care very much for me anymore.  I wish I could be with him just to support him, just to be able to tell him that I love him would be enough. I hate myself. I hate it all. Why must I be so accusatory and so narrow-minded and cautious. It ruined the only relationship I'll ever have.

Haha I remember when I wrote that last entry. Well by the way it didn't work out. As usual. Oh well. And the one after that didn't work out. And so I've given up. Just sit here saying, hmmmm, wow you suck at life. LIFE!!! God damnet. And I only have 3 friends. Fabuloso. Well that's me for you. Never had and never will have a lot of friends. I just can't stand being in a huge group of people, I get confused. Oh no. Old feeling of jealousy returning. GO AWAY! Don't come back you piece of crap. Stop brain. I wish I could shut down my brain, or even better, shut down certain ideas and feelings such as jealousy. And of course the feeling that I'll never ever find someone who cares aobut me. That person just doesn't exist. Maybe in my head they do. But that's the only place. Only me and someone else has voted on my poll no idea who. Solveig says it was her but I thought it was someone else because it was there way before she said it was her. Maybe my computer's messed up. I'll just keep clicking refresh.

I hate some aspects of school. Why the flip does my brother always get in trouble?! He talks back to the teachers and it's really annoying because then I always blame myself. And then I get depressed, great. I need to practice (music) but I don't want to. This stinks. I hate how I have such a normal life, and I know it's better than most, but I still feel depressed. Damn. What the flip is up with this. Can't wait for jazz band tomorrow. Dan's gonna be there. So good. I'm glad "goingunder" has Steve. This might just work out.
No it never does.
maria