do you ever have this feeling like.."i wish that i could cash my life in like a $20 doller bill." because i wish i could. i would do anything to be able to tell someone that my life isnt my problem anymore its theres. Jessica and cody are fighting and they wont talk to one another and their putting me in the middle, and its fuckin a lot to take all at once. and harley and jenny are fighting and i cant take it because being in the middle fuckin blows. i cant deal with it. i just cant. and things between me and my boyfriend seriously feeling like it couldnt be worse right now. i mean...hes acting really weird and its like when your hanging out with your friends and they have you attention and you forget about your phone, but hes not usually like that with his friends, and hes barely talked to me today. and its like hes with someone else. a girl maybe? but hes not the type ive known to do that. and hes always sayin"i love you so much baby" and things like that so i dont think that hed cheat on me. but if i ask him or tell him thats what it seems like then hes goina flip out. so please help me i dont want to loose him..

As the day goes by i stand here and watch the cars go down the mainstreet towards the lake and the downtown park, my work is right on sherman (the main street) downtown. and its so incredible how many go by. what faces pass me by and look at me and its like they all have destinations, such as life. you know? my friend that i used to have something with, had emailed me today telling me that one thing that he was completely sure of is that he loves me. we havent talked for around 7-8 months. and ive been wanting to talk to him and trying and trying and i finally got that one letter i had been yearning for for sooo long. i remembered his phone number, i mean when you feel something so strong for someone you memorize everything about them, their voice their laughter, their favorite color, everything. the tattoos on their body or just the ones you like.lol. and it comes to be that he had given that number to his friend. well he had given me his number.. i hesitated a lil because i mean what was i suposed to say? hey its terren remember me? no i didnt say that. he knew that i never give up. thats one thing i don't do without a fight. well i asked how life was and i told him..and now he wont talk to me and it kills me because its dejavu all over again. when i tell him something he doenst like he ignores me. you cant do that to someone you love or can you? i dont feel that you can just so easily. so i told him that i will always be here for him no matter what. i was with him when his grandmother died. i wasnt with him when he had gotten in that motorcycle accident but his best friend told me and i balled my eyes out. it just hurts that he says he loves me but does this at the same time.

I havent been on here lately alot, or youve seen my "moods" havent been all cheery and sexy. because the tuesday before thanksgiving i found out that my mom is in the hospital..because she had a bladder infection..but the fixed that and suggested they do a blood transfusion. that didnt go great so they had to do it twice. but on tuesday when i called my brother he had just been leaving the hospital from seeing her. and the docters told him that she prolly wouldnt make it very much longer because her kidneys, liver and pancreas were shutting down. (if you didnt already figure out..my mothers a horrible drug addict.) and so that friday after thanksgiving my friend took me to see her. and i hadnt seen her exactly a year since then and she was so pale n pasty and she seriously already looked like she was dead. her lips and cheeks had no color and she was so weak that she couldnt hold a cup of water. it killed me to see her like that. and every time i think about it..whats running thru my mind is "she did this to herself" and she did but i was like sitting there watching her slowly die. and thats so much to handle. and when i was walking outta the room she said "thanks for coming babygirl" that made me break down and cry the whole way home. i havent talked with her for year. beccause everytime i let her back in my life she fucks it up. and she left when i was 7years old. so im not used to her "fucks ups" all the time. she picks men over her children. but anyway thats why i havent been on. im sorry. i hope you try your best to understand.

love you all

Terren...

i hate diarys but i thought i could type my thoughts down faster then i could write them down.lol make sense? okay anyway. i have all these friends and its so hard not to get attached to them. some i do wanna get close to like REALLY close. but some i dont want anything to do with. yea know? theres some guys on here that KNOW i like them because i have told them i do. theres only 2 guys that REALLY know that i like them.some just THINK that i likem. ive talked about that love knows no boundaries. but with some it does and it hurts so bad to know that something stupid like distance could keep us from being with eachother. and i dont know what to do! is there really anything i can do?
i dont think there is but theres really this ONE guy that is willing to come see me and im SO EXCITED! lol but shhhhh! itsa secret and you wont know who it is until he like says something on his profile.lol so thanks for reading this HORRID diary thing. lol love yea all. mwuah!

email me if you got tips id REALLY Like them.