The Story of A Forbidden Happy Place
3/20/06 2:33pm
Hi guys, can you see, I'm back
Don't worry, I'm all an act
I'm not okay, I'll never be fine
All I can do is act happy and kind
I may seem happy, but it's all a cover
I cannot be who I am, now they will hover
If I mess up, and if I cut myself
I will be back in a room, all by myself
Not that it's bad, not at all
I love it there, don't get me wrong, I like it all
What really upsets me is nothing new
Nothing special, but nothing too few
It's big and loud, and screams it in my face
That I'm nothing but a huge discrace
Not that it's really there
But I still sense it everywhere
Perhaps it is all in my mind
Something all alike, I will learn in time
Now for my little stay, yes it was nice
Not hard at all, one might say, easy as rolling dice
I loved it there and I never wanted to go
But if I didn't there is nothing I could show
For all my hard work and all that I've done
No one would have heard from me after what I had done
I slit my wrist and carved in a name
Washed away all the blood and all the pain
Wishing away all my simple fears
As a the deep cut nears
Close to death or unconciousness
, one may argue
But standing there I felt only sorrow
I thought about my friends, what they might think
Watching the blood swirl in the sink
Throw away my past and future in only one swipe
Never to think again or of another type
I stepped back with my little streangth holding my breath
Clenching the sink, I decided to rest
Only for a moment, then to the alcohol I went
Only I sip was managed and carefully spent
I then decided whiskey wasn't the thing
It always leaves what an untasteful sting
Went back to the sink and drove the knife across my neck
Taking another stumbling step back as I went
I then left the house, barely walking
Drained from blood and stumbling
Almost a mile away, into a store, I went and stood
Not sure what I was doing there, no one could
Not knowing what I was thinking, I'm still wondering
What the hell was going through my mind, I'm pondering
But still I went, to a bank I told them
They asked, why, still, I do not even know them
I asked politely and loud enough to hear
Some laughed and others awed, nothing of a gun I hear
They said the police station down the street
Had guns and to walk down the street, they did repeat
So I did, right, and when I got there
I stopped in my place and dropped, crying, right then and right there
I cried and cried and next thing I knew
A police officer was convincing me to,
Give what felt like random information, I had no clue
What was I really doing, what was I to do
I could no longer back out, I could not run
They had me in place, nothing could be done
So I went with it, not to cause trouble
And tried not to struggle
I went and took a ride in a Ford Expedition
Not looking back, no recognition
My officer was cool, we listened to Green Day and 101.1
Over the speed limit, we sped at about sixty one
I finally got there and began to take off my usual jewlery
They kept asking me repeatively
If I had been there once before
I reasured them, not before, never before for sure
They cleaned the cut that I had done to myself that day
The expressions on their faces, something hysterical, I say
They all looked like it was something really serious
I just watched them, feeling nothing but curious
I got inside, they took my pants and put me in a gown
I looked so pathedic, almost like a clown
Fidgeting around to find a way to sit
I only got to see the place called “CCSU” and that was it
There was Christina, age 14 and in 7th grade
Jennifer, age 10 and in the 3rd grade
Krystal, not sure on age and she was very shy
And myself, then, I just wanted to cry
We spent most of the time there in the day room
Nothing else happened then, until around noon
Jennifer left and Christina was realived
Then a boy named Christian came, age 11, I believe
A day went by and I thought it was fun
We even got to go outside. Oh, how I dispise the sun
Chrisitan got put in isolation for hitting Mr. James
He hit him in the head with a Nerf ball, four times
I thought it was completely hilarious
Mr. James was not kidding, he was furious
One thing’s for sure, the food was interesting
Nothing like the usual ‘worse than cafeteria food’ sort of thing
Though, it was expected, what can I say
Testing out what still passed as food really did make my day
We joked around saying that since the drinks were from Sysco
Everything they made was from pee water, so
We were being poisened and we should sue
Just because we hated the nurses, and they knew
Not too long after another then did arive
I was hoping no one annoying, that way I could survive
Adrian, was his name, and he was fun all around
But somewhere deep inside, he was lost and very down
Still it was very fun to see, and hear opinions of another
Because in that happy place we wore no cover
We three, Adrian, Christina and I, got along very well
And all that day, it all went very swell
I didn’t want to leave, when it was that time be
But I had to, I’m sure that was something they could all see
All and all, good it was, and I wish again that feeling to be
The feeling to be free and relieved to see
The way they really are in this world
Secrets most people keep grasped, their fingers around it, curled
So now, here I am, back to my normal old life
A little wake up call to renew some beliefs and strife
If I Could (You Know I would)
3/23/06
If I could
Reach through
Into your soul, pulling it close to mine
Holding your heart, so dear
Keep it tight in my hands and
Protected from harm
Not letting you fall, never to let you go
Into an abyss of a forgotten darkness
You know I would
If only I could
Whisper you secrets
Telling you repeatively
That I love you
And that nothing else matters
Guiding your soul through
You know I would
If only I could
Excape with you to your dreams
And live there with you
To do whatever you wished
Whatever we pleased
And never worry at all
You know I would
If only I could
And God forbid I fall
Never shall I just fall
But if I stumble, and if I sturuggle
You will be there, always there
We are holding each other up
Keeping ourselves in this world
If we both fall, there will be no save
You know I would
Distorted Fun
Started: 4/4/06 Finished: 4/9/06
All is happy you know
Nothing bad can ever show
All must smile and look up to the sky
Burning holes in our eyes
You enjoy the pain
It’s the only thing that keeps you sane
No one is to know
No one has to know
It shall be our only secret
No one else but we can keep it
Let us continue staring into the sun
As it burns through that feeling called fun
As slowly we grow to know
You reap what you sow
A distorted version of fun
As you begin to pull the trigger on that gun
Standing on the edge of that building top
Running red lights, not even planning to stop
Fingering that blade on that knife
Wishing it would take your life
What are you doing, what are you thinking
You’re going down, can’t you see, you’re sinking
You’re ‘giving them feeling’
Do you understand, you’re not seeing
‘But this is fun’, you say
Can’t you do it another way
Show me, how is this still fun to you
I can’t help but worry about you
Maybe if you teach me,
Teach me to be
I’ll join you in your fun
I’ll even help you load your gun
Of course, only if you do mine
And you’re note I’ll sign
We’ll have so much fun together
And never will we see another
One More Count on The Loser Meter
4/15/06 1:49am
I’ll give you my wish and say my goodbyes
And hopefully, we’ll learn to fly
Up to the Heavens, and way past the gates
We’ll soar on our own and never quite state
Our lonesome cries and bouts of hate
Never to say that what happens is all we can’t take
Pushing us slowly to that moment in time
Where everything simply rotates on dimes
A twilight zone, under the midnight’s light
Dazing all those within it’s sight
I’ll give you my wish and say my goodbyes
And hopefully, we’ll learn to fly
Lost and found
But still twirling ‘round
Bang-bang, goes the gun
And let us lose what we’ve brung
I thought I had lost myself
But all that I had, was all but myself
And I did not have the guts to say
That everything wasn’t going my way
So I’ll give you my wish and say my goodbyes
And hopefully, we’ll learn to fly
Somebody Please
4/19/06 9:30am-10:10am
Somebody help me, please somebody see
All these thoughts are overcoming me
What can I think, and what could I write
I don’t know if I could survive another night
Somebody help me, please somebody see
I don’t know what is happening to me
I thought I was doing good, and having a ball
But now I’m lost and I’m starting to fall
Somebody help me, please somebody see
Look at the damage I’ve done to me
Holding the blade, so steady, so dear
Watching the blood, as death comes near
Somebody help me, please somebody see
I cannot see the ground in front of me
I’m losing my balance, and I hate letting go
But right now I think it’s the best thing so
Somebody help me, please somebody see
My soul is ripping out from inside of me
Pulling, and slashing to put up a good fight
As slowly it lets out that last small light
Somebody help me, please somebody see
The fight inside of me is finally free
A decision made and a battle called
Layed on the floor, my body sprawled
Somebody help me, please somebody see
What have I just done to me
Lost, wandering in this dark abyss
Oh, the love of others I long for and miss
Somebody help me, please somebody see
This is, really, what I wanted to see
But somehow it looks oh so boring
There has to be something better in the morning
Somebody help me, please somebody see
Bright morning light does not come for me
What to see now, and what could I do
To possibly reverse what I had just gone through
Somebody help me, please somebody see
There is a tiring deep inside of me
Falling to sleep is all so fun
But it feels a bit different, when now it is done
Somebody help me, please somebody see
I can’t believe what just happened to me
I have woken up and with all such a scare
As someone’s eyes upon me, they stare
Somebody help me, please somebody see
My sad, hopeless life was given back to me
What can I do now, and what can I say
I guess I’ll try again some other day
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