---

Yesterday on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, two women protesting the wearing of fur skated nude. Nude ice skating-I'm thinking to myself, man, this is just the thing to get Tonya Harding out of retirement.
-David Letterman

---

I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?
-Larry Reeb

---

As yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees. However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.
-Dennis Miller

---

Arms Controll

---

Do you realize why we have arms controll now? It's beacuse we're broke, and the Russians are broke. Before arms controll, we were like two junkies arguing over a plastic spoon.
-Robin Williams
Art

---

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
-George Carlin

---

I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the cathedral at Chartes. It's a 400-year-old cathedral-beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very moving experience, and asI was writting my name on it with a can of spray-paint...
-Steve Martin

---

Fiftey something million dollars for a Van Gough. You know, if theirs an afterlife, and if Vincent is up there watching, he's chopping off the other ear, going, "Son of a bitch! When I was alive I couldn't sell dick!"
-Paul Rodriguez

---

Critics say that Andy Warhol's famous portraits of Campbell's soup cans were a brilliant satire of culture, in much the same way Campbell's soup is a brilliant satire of food.
-Craig Kilborn

---

Astronomy

---

I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
-Steven Wright

---

Attitude

---

The chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
-Janeane Garofala

---

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowin' that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my morality.
-Mitch Hedberg

---

No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
-Lily Tomlin

---

I was a born pessimist. My first words were, "My bottle is half empty."
-Lacie Harman

---

I'm not a pessimist: I like to think of myself as an optimist with a reality chaser. I know the glass is half full. I just want to know who the hel's been drinking out of it, and do I have to pay full price
-Bob Zany

---

Do you feel that excitment of being a woman in the nineties? Maybe it's just static cling.
-Rhonda Hansome

---

If a man smiles all the time he's prbably selling something that doesn't work.
-George Carlin

---

Baby

---

I think God made babies cute so we don't eat them.
-Robin Williams

---

I still can't believe that people I know, my peers, are making babies. I'm too lazy to make a salad.
-Hellura Lyle

---

My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow. She got wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, "Adopt."
-Caroline Rhea

---

We have a baby now at my house...all day long. And all night long. I wonder why they say you have a baby? The baby has you.
-Gallagher

---

A lucky woman in Iowa delivered seven babies. Ooh, that is not a delivery-that my friends, is a shipment! You know if you think about it, for parents its a dream-or a nightmare, I guess. Doesn't make any difference, either way they're never going to sleep again.
-David Letterman

---

The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, beacuse when we wanna potty-train the babby we should set and example.
-Howie Mandel

---

I can't decide if I want a baby. And my friends who hae kids don't make very good salesmen. They're like, "Oh you learn all this great stuff, like how to survive on two hours' sleep." If I want to learn that I'll just become a political prisoner or something.
-Craig Michor

---

Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years/ What's the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
-Sue Kolinsky

---

This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, "I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl-or fish sticks."
-Conan O' Brien

---

As far as baby-sitting tips go, I recommend a few quick questions to the parents when you want to get early. Like, "Is it all right for the baby to have...bleach?"
-Jake Johanson

---

Our baby won't suck on her thumb. She prefers her two middle fingers. Which makes her look like a little, tiny bulimic. I knew she was going to be a super-model.
-Vance Sanders

---

Babies in strollers frighten me. They're never happy. Always screaming and drooling, scrucnched up in that little chair. They look like little angry Larry Flynts.
-Matt Weinhold

---

Bachelor Party

---

It was one of those bachelor parties where all the married men had to meet at the end and decide about what to say we did. "We got in a fight with some guys and that's how our underwear got ripped. They ripped our underwear and smelled good. Jimmy, you fell and your nipple got pierced."
-Ray Romano

---

Banking

---

The lady at the bank asked, "What do you want on your checks-wildlife scenery?" I said, "I want a picture of a big, thick necked guy on my checks. A bouncer-thats what my checks are going to be."
-Bob Kubota

---

I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
-Henny Youngman

---

The banks have a new image. Now you have "a friend." Your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
-Allen King

---

Barbie

---

Barbie is getting a biger waist and a smaller chest. Not surprisingly, early today Ken announced he wants to start seeing other dolls.
-David Letterman

---

A toy company is releasing Teacher Barbie this week. Apparently, it's like Malibu Barbie-only she can't afford the Corvette.
-Stephanie Miller

---

Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were a real woman, would have no internal organs beacuse her waist is to small. I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in the missing organ department, compared to Ken.
-Cathryn Michon

---

FreakingHillariousJokes10