Anyone that has worked the phones at a Tech Support job knows that some people are just fucking retarded when it comes to computers. These are our stories.


"Disks?"
Author - [Orestez]


  * Customer: "I have just received your software, but I have these plastic things, what are they?"
  * Tech Support: "Could you describe them please?"
  * Customer: "They are black plastic, thin, and square."
  * Tech Support: "Anything else?"
  * Customer: "They have a metal bit on one edge."
  * Tech Support: "Disks?"
  * Customer: "Well, I don't know, do I? I just brought your package. What do I do with them?"

I see a horrible call ahead, and the customer is quite irate already.

  * Tech Support: "Put the disks in the drive."
  * Customer: "What's a drive?"
  * Tech Support: "The slot in your machine that looks just the right size for the disk."
  * Customer: "Which machine?"
  * Tech Support: "Do you have a hard drive?"
  * Customer: "I have two boxes. One has a picture on it."
  * Tech Support: "Put the first disk in, metal side first."
  * Customer: "Ok. It's gone in."
  * Tech Support: "Go to the 'start' button, then run, then type 'setup'."
  * Customer: "My computer isn't on. How do I turn it on?"
  * Tech Support: "Push the button by the drive to eject the disk, and press the button that says 'power' on the machine without the pictures on it."
  * Customer: "Ok. Done."
  * Tech Support: "Now put in the disk, go to start, run, and type 'setup'."
  * Customer: "Oh, it's all working now. Thanks, but your software isn't very easy to use, is it?"



"Click OK!"
Author - [Orestez]

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.

  * Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
  * Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
  * Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
  * Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
  * Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
  * Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
  * Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."

Pause.

  * Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
  * Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
  * Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
  * Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
  * Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
  * Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
  * Customer: "Oh."
  * Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
  * Customer: "Why?"
  * Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
  * Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
  * Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
  * Customer: "Ok."

I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.

  * Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
  * Customer: "Yes."
  * Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."

Pause.

  * Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."



"I know what I'm doing!"
Author - [Orestez]


* Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"
* Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
* Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."
* Customer: "How do I do that?"




"my e-mail stopped working!"
call taken by: [Big Brother]


Tech:thank you for calling bell sympatico technical support, jon speaking, how may i help you.
Member:my e-mail won't send.
Tech:when did it work last?
Member:today when i was halfway done sending a few messages.
Tech:ok sir, about how many did it send before it stopped?
Member:about half the list, i do a weekly mail out to a few people.
Tech:ok, and about how many sent?
Member:maybe about 2,000.
Tech:ok sir, this is a residential account and has a limit a member can send in a 24 hour period
Member:how can i send more?
Tech:get a buisness account that is meant to send large amounts of e-mail.
Member:then what i'm i paying for!
Tech:for a private non-buisnes account meant for personal use.
Member:this is not acceptible! i shouldn't have limits! let me speak to a maneger!!
Tech:ok sir, just hold while i find one for you *explained the situation to tier-2*
Tier-2:what the fuck! is this guy nuts, i'll have fun with this!






"We don't support that either."
call taken by: [Big Brother]


Tech:thank you for calling bell sympatico technical support, jon speaking, how may i help you.
Memeber:my net stopped working
Tech:ok, are you attatched strait to our modem by ethernet?
Memeber:yup, and all the proper lights are on.
Tech:ok, lets try to access the firmware, can you type 192.168.2.1 into your browsers addess bar?
Memeber:but that's an internal address.
Tech:that's correct, we are trying to access the firmwarein our modem
Memeber:but i'm connected to a router and it will not get past that.
Tech:didn't you say it was attached directly to the modem?
Memeber:yes, it is but i put a router in there.
Tech:well we don't support 3rd party routers. i don't know there settings
Memeber:ok, well i'll connect to it's firmware and we will pretend it's yours.
Tech:well if you know how to set the settings i'll give you the info you need.
Memeber:the firmware isn't coming up.
Tech:ok, lets check to make sure your NIC (network interface card) is fine
Memeber:it's fine
Tech:ok, well lets just check to make sure.
Member:no, it's fine
Tech:ok sir, can you open the command promt?
Member:done
Tech:type "ping 172.0.0.1"
Member:no
Tech:why not
Member:it works
Tech:ok, well we need to remove the router.
Member:*instantly replies* done
Tech:that was fast.
Member:i said i took it out
Tech:ok, what operating system are you using? we will make a manual connectoid.
Member:2003 server
Tech:sorry sir but i don't have the information on that system as we only support normal platforms not meant for buisness.
Member:did i say 2003 server? i meant XP
Tech: fine, can you go into the control panel and open the network connections.
Member:i don't see it.
Tech:probibly cause you are using sever 2003 that we don't support
Member:nope it's XP
Tech:sorry i can't help you any further.
Member:let me speak to your boss, or whoever tells you what to do
Tech:ok sir, please wait while i get someone.
Tier-2:yes, rudaph.
Tech:hey, it's 5230. we got someone with a not supported OS and not supported router.
Tier-2:ok.....
Tech:he refuzes to co-operate and keeps lying about what he is doing
Tier-2:ok, put him through, i'll tell him it's not supported and we can't do anything
Tech:great
Tier-2:just introduse me as a technical supervisor.
Tech:will do!
Tech:hello sir, i've got a technical supervisor on the line for you.
Member: i hope he knows what he's doing!
*i hung up*






"Upgrading..."
call taken by: [zoloftzantac]


Customer: Hey, I hooked up my instrument and I noticed it had a USB port on the back. I tried to hook up my printer so I could print screen shots, but I can't get the instrument to see the printer.


Supoport guy: Right, when you bought that instrument you didn't buy Option 111, that's the USB Option. So your instruement doesn't have USB.


Customer: Well I want USB, and I can see the USB connector right there on the back of the instrument.


Supoport guy: Yeah, but it isn't enabled. In order to enable it you need to buy Option 111.


Customer: Then why is it there?


Supoport guy: Well, Option 115 extended flash memory is now a standard feature, so your instruemnt came with an extra 512 MB of flash ram. Option 115 and Option 111 share the same hardware, but since you didn't order Option 111 we didn't enable the USB port.


Customer: *getting annoyed* So you turned it off? How can I get it turned back on?


Supoport guy: Okay, we can sell you the Option 111 upgrade kit.


Customer: Okay, great, how much does that cost?


Supoport guy: I'd have to look it up, but I think it is about $3000


Customer: WHAT?! $3000 for USB?! *getting pissed* I can't belive that, is that how much it would have cost if I bought it originally.


Supoport guy: Uh, no, as a factory option, Option 111 costs $150, but you didn't order it with the instruemnt.


Customer: *is really mad* But I have all of the hardware already, can't you just sell me the Option Lisence and then I can turn it on?


Supoport guy: No, the way it is set up we have to sell you a whole option upgrade kit.


Customer: *totally bent out of shape* Ummm ... so you want to make me pay for a bunch of hardware that I am going to throw in the trash?


Supoport guy: We have a one size fits all upgrade kit package, you may not need everything in the kit.


Customer: But you already pretty much said I already have all of the hardware, right?


Supoport guy: That's correct, the extra cost isn't just hardware tho, it is also the overhaed of designing the option and other costs.


Customer: *yelling* but you already said that the option would have only been $150 if I bought it at the time I ordered, and I already have all of the hardwear. Why can't I pay you $150 for the Option licence key to turn the USB on?


Supoport guy: The computer won't let us do that.


Customer: *blows a gasket*






"Angry for the sake of being stupid"
call taken by: [Solarwing]





Me> Hello, Thank you for calling ______, my Name is Greg. How…

Cx> shut up and listen; you technicians never listen; now I want your name!

Me> Sure.. My name is Greg, How can…

Cx> Frank? Ok Frank, I want your supervisors name now!

Me> Its Greg sir, and I’m not permitted to release that information to you.

Cx> WHAT, I WANT IT NOW, YOU CANT DENY ME THAT RIGHT I’LL SUE…

Me> SIR, calm down or I will disconnect, do you under stand?

Cx> have it your way Frank (I’m safe incase he calls to complain about a Frank being rude to him)

Me> Good, You’ve reached the cards swap center, can I help you with your swap?

Cx> I want your supervisors name, your mangers name, and both there fax numbers got it, Fr-ank (Greg-Frank, I don’t get it)

Me> I can’t help you unless I get your phone number starting with that area code.

Cx> *turn a light on and off, that’s how fast this jackass said his number* ***-***-****

Me> Thank you…

Cx> I want customer service I want to complain about this horrendous waiting time, I pay for my satellite and I should have every second of it, 15 min is way too long, and them I’m going to the papers tomorrow about this “Scandal”

Me> No prop sir, you had to wait 15 min for your sat to come back?

Cx> Yes it was way too long

Me> Sir , did you receiver the mailer that said that it could take from 15 min to 2 hours?

Cx> No, mine came back in 15, so I want your…(not again…)

Me>one second sir…



Funny, I kept my eye on the paper from that area for a week, and no story… funny that





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