I'm being careful with his feelings...at least, I think I am being careful. I don't want to hurt him but I don't like him the way he likes me. He was asking me out while I was still wtih Anthony, he was asking me for sex when he was with her. I can't handle that, I don't think. As open as I am, I don't like certain situations. So now I'm trying very carefully to let him down since he and I are both single. I don't think it's working but he's so negative. You know, topping that with someone who is already in a bad place with themselves (not as much as before, it's getting better) well I just don't want to get worse. I don't want to relapse. It's for my personal health that I'm turning him away. I still feel bad.

But I've made my descion. I'm graduating early. I'm getting a full time job or two this coming December after school, saving up and moving away. I'm getting out of New York. To Arizona maybe. Some place warm, all the time. No snow. None of this negativity. Space would be good. I need a clean slate, a place to start over. Now I just have to work for that. I know I can do it, it'll be a long haul but I can do it. No matter what, I have to. I'll find a better place, a better state of mind and be able to fix all of my relations by not being so submursed---how ever it's spelled---in everything. I know those who I'll stay in contact with. I'll have phone numbers and emails. I'll visit while I'm working but I can't bare staying here for much longer than I have to. Once I get money, I'll get a place in Arizona, join the police academy and settle in to a new life as a cop. Fool proof...

I hope.

Sexism.

I'm starting to run into a lot lately. That's kind of new for me. Granted, my father joked about it, with all his army buddies, but they always were respectful to women and leaned on their women hard core for lots of things. Army wives and kids were seen as tough for living the lifestyle, for supporting the men. (Yes, I know, females are in the military, too. I wanted to join, but lets face it, a majority of the population are men.) Anyway, I've always been proud of how tough I am and how much I can do, but I've never considered myself feminist. I'm independent and totally grew up a tom-boy, but I wasn't out for every other woman's need, just my own. Darwinist, not feminist.

But now, there are two distinct things that are setting me off. My sort of ex-boyfriend and my grandmother. You see, Tony preached being non-sexist, but to the point of allowing chivalry to die because he felt it brought down the male race. All right, fine, but just turn it to being polite. Hold the door for men and women. Stand up when ever anyone enters a room to join you. Take your damn ball cap off at dinner. Don't tell me that coming to the door to pick me up for a date is pulling your ass down into sexism, that I'm making myself more important. It's called being polite. I open the door of the car for anyone I'm out with if the opportunity arises. I'm polite, not a dickface yelling SEXISM at everything.

Next, with my grandmother, I'm just starting to notice how sexist her thoughts her. She degrades women without even realizing it. She has this idea about how women should act and look and it's subconcious, put there by her father and two husbands. I know if she didn't have a male figure head in her life she wouldn't make it very far. She depends on them. It makes me angry, I'm not sure why as I mentioned, I'm not a big feminist.

Where is this mentality coming from and why is it making me so angry? I guess college is turning me into a left wing femmi. I even tried to do the whole be a vegan bit. That didn't last more than three weeks. Oh well, I have thoughts to figure out I guess and that will happen in the next year and half that I finish up college.

So- I just realized that my grandmother (who I am staying with this winter break) has a faster internet than before. It's no longer dial-up! My life has been saved. I can update my online diary, I can submit work to fanfiction and I can get ahold of people via email.

On another good note, my Christmas shopping is done. Now I just have to get c.d.s made for my little cousins. Even though they have iPods, they still want c.d.s from me, probably for the car. I'm in such a great mood lately! Probably because I got to finally hand in a story to an online magazine and I got out a short little fic for Castle :D It's all cute and Christmas-y. I can't wait to sit around the house Christmas morning! Watching little kids open their gifts is amusing. Plus mom gets donoughts and coffee for us.

I'm also planning a couple days to go up and see my friend Ari, from college. Her brother has this major thing for me and I'm trying to let him down easily but it's harder than I thought. I don't want to hurt his feelings but I just don't see him as who I'd like to date. He's a great guy and he's going to make some girl really happy some day, but I'm not that girl. I'm annoyed too easily, I'm selfish, I'm fussy...and I just don't see him as someone I'd like to date. Like I said, selfish, add picky to that list will you? But, I'm going up there anyway to see them both and I'm going to enjoy myself. So wish me luck!

Anthony and I haven't spoken since I left school...no surprise there. I don't know why I haven't put out the effort to message him first, but you know, I think it's got a lot to do with wanting to see what he'll do. I mean, he's the one leading me around in circles here. One day he really likes me, the next I don't hear a darn word from him. Besides, I'm finding him less attractive anyway. I don't know why this happens, but I just stop liking people. (That's the point with Carlos (Ari's bro) is that I may have flirted before, but I don't like him that way anymore). Anyway, I've got stuff to do today so I'll write more later!

There is a bittersweet pleasure in seeing the guy who liked you as a girlfriend, but then just a friend, and trying to get back to girlfriend without really telling you, seeing him squirm under my friendly disposition and slight flirting then pulling back. He stayed in my bed the other night, like he'd normally would when we were an absolute item. I gave him the bed and he fell asleep waiting for me while I did a term paper and instead of getting in bed with him as per usual, I went out to the suite couch.

*wicked grin*

His questioning later- that same bittersweetness. Perhaps I'm a bitch...Oh well.

Also, the suite is less tense. My suitemate, the one who introduced me to Anberlin, admitted to me in secrecy that I'm the one in the group that she can really get along with. I'm the more mature. It's true, not to be stuck up sounding. Of course, the diary would prove otherwise, but I this is deep seeded personal thoughts that aren't really portrayed outwardly because I know how to control myself. I like to keep others around me happy, for the most part.

That's been one of my biggest problems and everyone sees it. I try to help everyone, to save the world, or people's little world's on a fairly daily basis. I'm just starting to live for myself more than others. It took losing a good friend to learn that. I suppose I shouldn't regret it then; she taught me a valuable lesson and we were headed in very different directions any how. "Never regret because at some time you were doing exactly what you wanted to." So I may have quoted that really roughly, and I can't remember who said it, but I love the premise. Why regret anything? You wanted to do it, you did it. That's all there is to it. So, I won't regret, I'll learn and move on to the new things that I want to do. I think I'm in a better mood lately. That's good.

Also, I'm getting really addicted to Saving Jane. She's got cute music. I couldn't do it on a daily basis but you know, just one of those moods kinda thing. "I'm contagious. All the boys want to catch me." How funny is that??

I was challenged by a friend to smile for real each day.

He asked this because he knows I cut again. (No, not for attention and the only reason it's in here is because I have a lot to discuss with myself).

The thing he doesn't realize is that I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I don't hide my emotions well. I try to because I'd prefer not to have everyone know what I'm feeling constantly but I'm a very open and feeling person. Emotions are something I give off and pick up way too much for my own good, and too much for the good of those around me. I guess it's a good thing I can't hide emotions though, because other wise I feel like I'd be a dangerous person. I have thoughts in my head that I don't like, about others. I'm too judgmental... If I could hide my emotions along with my thoughts I feel like I could hurt someone. Well, I suppose I'd also have to get rid of my morals for that but...I don't know.

If someone can have bad thoughts about a person, to feel dislike towards a person, could that easily turn to hurting them emotionally? What about physically? I've been known to have temper problems but normally I just walk away. If I could hide my anger and someone just kept pushing at something that bothered me what if I lashed out with something mean or something physical? That would be terrible. I even have these thoughts about my roommate and I broke the other day and actually screamed at her. I don't do that often. It surprised me and probably her as well because I was not happy. Then followed the vicious cleaning of the room.

A channel. You always need a channel. Cleaning is always better than cutting.

But oh that rush of adrenaline. That heady, rising, pleasure of cutting...

I'll escape it some day I'm sure.

So...
How do you know when a guy may or may not want to stay with you?
Well, I guess when they say over the past couple of weeks they've seen you more as a friend than a girlfriend. But then, after this profession they get all over you and hang out like you did when he thought of you as more?? Our relationship seemed to change for a while but now it's getting back to flirty possibly. I'm a bit confused and the coming break from college isn't going to help because we'll be apart a whole month. This could be bad and It's really upsetting me even though I told myself I wouldn't get that attached. I never have good relationships that last long and I always have really long bad relationships...It's gotta be me then. I don't know what else it would be since the one factor that doesn't change is me. I'm that constant variable. Paradoxical isn't it? Constant variable...maybe that's not the term I'm looking for then, but I'm the constant, the others are the variable.

All right, maybe I'm just playing the emo card...but that's what this diary is for; the bitching I can't do to others. Even though it's public, I'm sure no one is really reading it and I have to spill so- I cut again. Not my wrists, I didn't want others around me to know. It's not for them. It's not for attention. It's for the adrenaline rush that gets me through a tough part of the day in a high state of positive emotion. That seems so odd, that hurting myself creates such a great feeling. I know that if I hadn't done it, I would have flipped out on people because everyone was fighting and I have to play mediator to it all. But the cutting, I mean I didn't go that deep. I was testing a new area to do it where people wouldn't see and it felt amazing. I hate that part of me that is addicted to it, but I can't seem to do without lately. I hadn't done it in so long and the rush it gave me felt amazing. Simply wonderful. That's sick right? I should see someone...

Rooming, as well. That has me a little stressed. I'm used to being very clean and put together but this roommate I have is far from that and I pick up habits. I am not liking myself lately and I think that could be a part of the messing up of Tony and I. He and I are both Empaths, we pick up emotions like our own, or energies in the world and take them on. He knows how to keep them away more than I but I'm very strong emotional output I think. He could be picking up on my self-hate as of late. That could be it. And the more he's away the more I feel that. It's a bad circle and I really need to fix things. I'm going to over break where I have the space and time to get back into a good body and state of mind.

Anyway, I have so much to catch up on...still. I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep this week. But I'll get my work done and have a long break! I have to practice Japanese over break but that's okay.

So...It's December already. This semester is going by sooo quickly. I really should be doing a lot of homework but I'm exhausted. I might just take a nap and get up and do more homework...That would be a good idea.

Mmm...my roommate is driving me up a wall as of late. I'm trying not to get upset, but she's rude to my friend and she's dirty as all fucking get out. I'm the only one to clean the room. She never showers. Well she does, but not frequently. And she doesn't change her pants ever. Laundry needs to be done, dishes...I get my shit done every day.

Anyway, I'm off to shower and bed so I can get up and do homework.

I think I need a new place to blog because there are people who have access to my Yahoo blog that I don't want reading some of this. Isn't that odd that I'm more open for strangers to read what I have to write than people close to me? I guess it sort of makes sense, all a stranger can do is judge over the internet, maybe write to me about how much I suck. That's easily tossed aside and forgotten. If someone I know reads it then problems can occur, like has already happened. I lost a best friend because I kept blog about my college life.

I was finally starting to like school and had some friends, hell I even picked up a boyfriend. So I wrote about it and she was able to see. She is going to college too but staying at home while she does so, therefore she's finding it hard to make friends because those she had are off at school (like me) and those she could make are not staying at home like she is. She doesn't get the close campus experience that her friends are and that makes it hard on her. I didn't mean for her to read the things and think that I was rubbing it in that I had friends while she was stuck at home studying. I just wanted to get my good feelings out there and plus, my roommate loved to read my blog and my thoughts on everything that was happening at school. I enjoyed writing about the fun that I was finally having after entering my third year at school. I didn't mean for this to be a source of conflict.

I'm still very confused at where things went wrong because I tried very hard to talk to my friend and make sure that she felt included. I mentioned bringing my school friends home so that she could meet them and have something fun to do over the weekend with more than just her mother or cousins. I thought it would be something she would appreciate. But no, she pushed me away and told me I was doing something wrong. She never told me, until today, that it was because I had friends and it made her jealous. She merely said I did something wrong and she would get over it. That's not going to solve anything though, so stupidly I pushed. and pushed. That resulted in her telling me that I was wrong in our friendship, that I was selfish and stupid for pushing her aside. She wouldn't wait for me to have time for her which I couldn't help being two hours away. I made the attempt to talk but I can't believe what I did today.

I never meant to lose my temper, I had planned on working things out. I really wanted to as she was my best friend but I guess that wasn't the way things were supposed to go. Now, I don't believe that anything happens for a reason, I believe we humans give it the best we got and we go from there. If something turned out one way it's because we made it turn out that way. So my losing my temper and calling her two faced probably helped this friendship end.

I said it because I listened for years to her talk about her frustrations, her family, her personal problems with friends and work, everything PERSONAL and she had the gall to tell me today that my personal life was my own problem and had no place in her life, that I had no right to tell her about my new friends and boyfriend that it isn't a friend's place to hear about these things. I can't be friends with someone like that because I spill my heart to everyone I know, especially my best friends who spill their hearts back. I can't believe I listened to her heart and she couldn't do the same for me. Well, if that makes me selfish, then fine. But that makes her, in my mind, two faced. So I felt empowered when I told her to "Fuck off" and then immediately bad. I can't change that though I can't feel regret. There is no point because I can't take it back and at the time, I meant it. No point in regretting something I meant.

Anyway, I guess I'll blog about my life in my nifty online journal to a bunch of people I don't really know :D That's good enough for me.