She loves me, but why am I mad, and not happy?
Yes, slowly, the worst time of the year approaches for me. The time when I need friends most, but oddly enough, the ones I want around most, never seem to be there. Kinda depressing, isn't it?
On June 13th, it will be four years since my mother passed. The most traumatic, yet strengthening moment of my life. A life changing event that has made me realize that I will not be alive for ever, and neither will those around me. The time when I want to cherish those whom I care about, the time when I need no more then a hug to keep me going. It is this time of year when I question life in general. See, no one really would want to live forever, and watch those whom they love die, and have to deal with the pain inside for all eternity, but at the same time, no one wants to die. A great paradox, yet I doubt many people take the time to actually give much thought to it. If you read this, go home, or call your parents or whatever, tell them you love them, give them a hug, because you really don't know if you will see them tomorrow, you don't know how much time you have to be with them. You will never know. Yet, with all this doubt, most people go on living without even thinking about that. It saddens me to think that most people take life for granted. They go about their lives without a care in the world, never thinking about death.
It makes me wonder, how many people will notice if I died right this moment. How many people will regret things they have done or said to me, or anyone else for that matter, if someone close just died, with no warning, no sign or whatever.
Take a moment, rethink your lives, because you will not be here on this earth forever.
I think it is my mothers death that has gotten me to start taking life as it comes, not making plans for anything.
It has also gotten me to be the way I am today.
Kitty, I once told you, don't take things people say too personally. Let it roll off, an opinion is just that and nothing more, an opinion. What people say and do in their lives is on them, right?
I have been thinking about that recently, and I no longer know if that stands true for me.
It is times like these when you realize how many real friends you have.
I have these random flashbacks of my mother and myself together popping into my head, and I cherish them, whether they are good or not, because that is all I have left of her. Memories.
I have been told, don't dwell on the past, but I am still young, and being young, I don't really have much more to dwell on. I am just wondering how I have made it this long without my mother. She, who was my mentor, my teacher, my guide, and my best friend, and greatest support. She who risked almost everything, just to show her children that she loved them, and did not recieve any love in return from her two daughters. Her two daughters, who now regret everything they have said to her, who regret having wronged her the way they did. One of which professed to hate her, and now wants to go to her grave site. It's too fucking late. You had your chance to say you loved her, you had your chance to show her you cared. Now that she is no longer here, you want to go and try to set things right? IT IS TOO FUCKING LATE. Our mother is gone, and you and I both know that she shouldn't have gone through all the bullshit she did.
I laugh when I think about when I took one of our old telephones into my room because it had a message from my mother on the answering machine, but at the same time, it tears me up inside to think that I will never hear that voice again. Her last words resounding in my ears. "I love you A.J." tears me up. Seeing her in her last moments, holding her hand as she died, and not being able to tell her a thing, because I was too choked up with tears at seeing my own mother hooked up to so many different machines, with wires and tubes running in and out of her. Running out of the emergency room in tears. Hiding myself from the world. Only to calm down, and burst into tears again when my sister arrived. Dave, thankyou for being there for me. Tommy, even though we no longer talk, thanks for staying with me to make sure I didn't do anything stupid in the following days.
And then I remember the funeral. Trying to appear as strong as possible, to try and stay calm, so as not to make my sisters feel more upset, only to start crying again as the honor guard shot their rifles, as the music played. Uncle Billy, you have always been my favorite uncle, and then, when you put your hand on my shoulder, and gave me that little squeeze, it made me realize I had much more to look forward to in life, and I thank you for that. No one, not one other person even showed that they cared at that funeral.
My mothers' one goal, after our family got torn apart, was to try and unite our family. My mothers brother and sisters, parents, etc. never spoke, but when she died, they all came together. I got to meet my grandfather for the first time, and I really wish it had been under other circumstances. Now, he is going blind, and I doubt that he will ever be able to see me again. At least she accomplished what she had been trying to do for years, but it saddens me to think that she was not there to see it.
Being born into poverty, having only my mother to look to for help and guidance, having to go through a divorce at a young age, and not being able to see her. Then, when she got custody of me, we had very little time to be a family. When I lived with her, I was truly happy. It was an almost picture perfect family. Dave, my mother and myself. We didn't have much, but we were together, and that was all we needed.
I remember being young, when we lived in Miramar, and she used to read books to me and my sister in the mango tree we had in our back yard, I remember walking through the store, and just running to her to give her a hug when she felt down. I remember going out west and just admiring the natural beauty. I remember my mother going out of her way just to accomodate me, and do the things I wanted. To her, my happiness was her happiness. I regret not saying goodbye, I regret never going to the cemetary to visit your gravesite since the funeral, I regret not cherishing the time I had with you, I regret not being the son I could've been.
But at the same time, you never asked me to be more then I was, and you were content with me the way I was, because I was myself, I did not try to be someone else, because I never had reason to.
Now I hate hiding behind a smile, trying to fill the hole you left in my heart, and not being able to be me all the time. I mean, recently, I have realized that I am no longer the person whom you knew, whom you loved, and I really wish I could be. I wish you could've been there to see your first grandchild be born, I wish you could've gone to your daughters graduation, I wish you could've seen my diploma, and countless other things. Every christmas, I light a candle for you, and every year on your birthday, but it hurts not being able to know whether you can see it, or whether you even care. Whether you are happy with your afterlife, or whether there is one at all.
Mom, I love you, and nothing will change that. You taught me what love is, and that is a lesson that will stay with me for life. You showed me what being a parent truly means, and you showed me the love that one day, I hope to share with a child of my own. Thankyou.
I did cocaine tonight. I really don't want to get into that habit again. I already had to go to rehab for that and other stuff, but I still do it once every blue moon, which is wierd. I am not hooked like I used to be. Right now, I am sooo fucked up it is insane, but still I am goos enough to type, and act not fucked up, or whatever.
Yeah, right now, I took 4 lines and 2 bumps of cocaine, I smoked two bowls of cripi, had a few beers, and some hard liquor, and I forget the rest.
I need to change my life around.
Please don't reply with lectures, but other comments are welcome.
Seal is by far my favorite singer.
"Prayer For The Dying"
Fearless people,
Careless needle.
Harsh words spoken,
And lives are broken.
Forceful ageing,
Help me I'm fading.
Heaven's waiting,
It's time to move on.
Crossing that bridge,
With lessons I've learned.
Playing with fire,
And not getting burned.
I may not know what you're going through.
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
Life carries on... it goes on.
Just say die,
And that would be pessimistic.
In your mind,
We can walk across water.
Please don't cry,
It's just a prayer for the dying.
I just don't know what's got into me.
Been crossin' that bridge,
With lessons I've learned.
Playing with fire,
And not getting burned.
I may not know what you're going through,
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
There is a light through that window
Hold on say yes, while people say no
Life carries on
Ohh!
It goes on....oh-ee-oh
I'm crossing that bridge,
With lessons I've learned....
I'm playing with fire,
And not getting burned....
I may not know what you're going through.
But time is the space,
Between me and you.
There is a light through that window.
Hold on say yes, while people say no
Cause life carries on....oh-ee-oh
It goes on....oh-ee-on
It goes on.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Life carries on.
When nothing else matters.
When nothing else matters.
I just don't know what's got into me.
It's just a prayer for the dying.
For the dying.