Mmmm, I think I'm gettnig over my obession with being too skinny... for now. I'm odd I know that, fucking really odd.
My hubby comes home on weekends, I thought I couldnt' live without him for the two months he is away... weekend visits help sooooo much.
I dyed my hair again, now it's blonder, it looks good. YAY i'm so hot! One day it'll go back to being it's natural black... YAY!
Being this skinny,well be it a very FAST metablolizim, it's not healthy. I mean there is this girl at work, I tought she was like TEN times skinner than me, so I was all like. Pffft, what a skinny girl, and then she joined this modeling thing at teh bar and had to wear a bikini. FUCK I swear that was my body up there.(Myboobsarebige
Damn...
I'm going to get saggy boobs if I keep this up. Fuck.
Hmmm what to do. I'm drinking vitamin shakes, I think if I drink them alot and eat meals I will be able to put some lbs on... not too much, just enough to fill this ol' rickety frame out.
Is loosing ten lbs really serious does one think? I mean I lost it in a month... ten lbs a month? hmmm... less than a month actually but roughly a month.
Five lbs is fine, but ten!? I still wear the pants I wore when I was 14.... nothign has changed. I am going to be bitching when I get fat too, so no worries. :D
Bitch bitch bitch...
I'll figure this out! If I start loosing anymore it's off to the ol' doctor for me! YIPPIE!
Hello doctor I'm too skinny can you help me?
Girls should not wish to have the problem I have, I guess most do, it's just the oppisite of what inflicts them.
Weight.
Holy shit I am so fucking skinny and I'm not even aneroxic or bulimic, I have no solution for my problem and it's starting to really irke me!
Okay I'm a 21 year old woman who is like fucking 5 eight! I should not be 105 lbs!
I was kind of happy when I gained 10 lbs a month ago, I felt somewhat normal... at first I wasn't sure I could handle it but then I was like, this is nice.
I lost it, lost it all! I look horrible! What's wrong with me?
I eat, I drink, I sleep, I don't consume lots of alchol or do drugs, so what the hell is my body's problem!
I have peeves with people and I'm going to list them!!!
1. Why would you voice to the world your intentions and looks, with dumb names like:
Suicidal girl
Hottie Chicky
Horny Boy
Dick WADD?
2. Everyone knows your lying about your age, sex and breast size. (Do not do this in the real world you will get number 3.)
3. That's okay cause you dont' want to get kidnaped and killed.
4. Don't fish for compliments, it's fucking Pathetic!
5.Don't say you drew something you didn't. If you have no talent in that department, live with it.
6. Girls, PLEASE STOP SAYING you CYBER with anyone and you were in playboy. 1st of all your 14 years old!!!! 14!!!!!
7. Men who write to say: Your hot, let's cyber give me your MSN... FUCK YOU LOOSER!
8.It's good to voice opinions
9. Do not voice your sexual pref. with your name, ie; Bigirlwholikeg
We know you are a boy who can't get a chick who is pretending to be a chick to get a chick... OKAY!?
10. I know everything
4.
I hate being alone. My biggest most harshest fear is upon me. Fuck I only have a few more months... right?
When you are with someone for a long time, it's hard to part with them for a long time aswell.
I'm experiencing this first hand.
It hurts to be so far away from someone you know will be there for you everynight. I think this has to be the most torn I have been in a long while. I don't think I can handle it.
I wish I didn't have to work anymore, or set foot in public. I rather hate it I think.
I feel so minute and boring standing in a room full of men and women who are all done up for the day, or dressed down.
I don't like the public eye, I always think they are judging me, specially the female's. Oh look at her, what is she thinking, why is she so skinny.... I never think anyone is thinking good things about me. Ever. I don't know why. Anywhoo, I want to sit at home and live away my life there. Why can't I?
I'm such a bore. There isn't anything for me to do around here but work. I got a new job, I start it today actually, I'm slightly excited yet not so, cause well... Now i have to work again. I like not working. Or I just have to find something I'm going to enjoy going to.
Cafe's are cool, I make coffee, sandwhiches, make sure everyone is happy and fed. I hate making food but it's pretty easy... and I get tipped. No fucking gas station nobody fucking tipped me before! I am not cute for no reason you know!
I am still wondering if people are actually reading this.
Did you hear the latest on Paris? She makes her own money and doesn't take anything from her parents? FUCK YOU BITCH, like hell. We know full well where the money for your blue contacts, bleach and hair extentions are coming from... mommy. Sure you pay for the little things, but fuck... someone has got to feed those pups of yours. We sure as hell know you aren't.
And oh my fucking god, she's in love witha shipping tycoon named Paris. How fucked up is that? She want's his baby? Did anyone tell her what happens when you have babies?
And she actually told someone taht she is soooooo beautiful that she doesn't need to alter anything. *blink* *blink* Um alter... talk about alter. You wear blue contacts to ALTER the color of your rather pretty brown eyes, and you bleach your brown hair. I have nother wrong wtih taht cause that's normal in society, but fuck don't say your sooooo beautiful squinty eyes that you don't need surgery. I have a suggestion. Fix your god damn nose. You lookl ikea greyhound.... honestly. Fix that and talk to me about beautiful. Besides you'll never be beautiful with a complex such as you have. Didn't your parents teach you to be humble. Sure it's nice to love yourself but to be so internally obessed is not healthy. God she's fuckinga g uy named PARIS!...
My rant is over, I actually do like her... honest.
Now how a convo about work to paris happened, I dunnoo. ROCK ON LIL PEOPLE!
Sometimes i really, really hate people. I have this guy at my work, who is a regular and is obessed with me. I mean seriously, mentally obessed.
It was fine at first, nice to be flattered and all but now it's just getting creepy and uncomfortable. For all you men out there, who 'like' a girl, do not pursue it constantly and crazily.
This guy was nice and we had lots to talk about but he knew I was happily engaged to someone. But still he pursued, he only comes to the store to see me and it's getting annoying.
I'm too nice and trusting to just tell the guy to 'FUCK OFF'. He was nice and I thought I could be nice too, you know.
He offered to take me home cause I didn't havea ride and I said, sure... but then I was thinking. What if the guy kidnaps me or something? He had previously taken me home before.... and he's a fireman and he's not really outspoken or anything.
Anyways, he came back adn I blew him off. Saying my boyfriend was coming finally and thank you however for the suggestion.
Anywhoo... the guy I work with is totally making me feel bad. Saying that I was wrong to blow him off. Fuck you! I'm in love with someone and I don't have any responsiblity to accept or keep anythig from another human being.
Fuckign retard.
Anyhooo... How the hell does one blow off a grown man (he's in his late 30's) without fucking making him weird on me? What if he flips?
Anywhoo, this is dumb. I've already blew off ten guys who were obessed, this one I just can't shake!
Ack my hair is finally takign it's dying toll. Broken off strands. Oh now sad, now I have short pieces here and there. Oh well, it never seems to stop me. *sigh*
I shouldn't be allowed to walk around in public, Honestly, this is really, really ridcilious. Now I'm not saying the attention isn't amusing, or flattering but still, it's as if none of you males have seen a pretty girl before. Honestly I'm not THAT great that you have to stop in the middle of traffic to yell, "HI" to me or honk your horn.
I just got back from the grocery store... huge slayer sweater, Ugg boots, blue jeans tucked in and what do you know... I get jumped 'not JUMPED but you get the idea' by some guy.
"What are you doing?"
"UH going home... Bye..."
This is just insane! I am not even dressed to kill and you have to follow me just to see what I'm doing tonight. I'm going home to make supper for my husband... DUH.
The new girl at work can't even understand why I have all these FANS.
I'm going to have to start a club. 5 dollars to view me, 10 dolalrs for an autograph... 20 to talk to me. It's crazy! I would be rich!
I've been researching breast augmentation, for all you out there... boob jobs. I've come across so many sites, promoting it to sites debasing it to sites aiding the individual's choice in the matter.
I found people who adored them (mostly dancers who get thier cash shaking thier double d's, and older women who've had chidlren.) and people who wished they hadn't, due to complications, and dispointments.
I found that I came to accept what I'm carrying more. I am in no way no-less of a beautiful girl, with these things, then I was if they were gigantic. You just need to feel comfortable in what you've got. Besides most men just enjoy a good boob.
And mine aren't going to sag down to my knees due to the weight. How exciting for me.
Big boobs are great, but so are little ones. Boobs are great, all and all.
I'm not on this thing to be a internet cyber geek, so STOP asking me to cyber, even after the fact I tell you I'm married.
I am on here to display my art, and my opinion on topics, though Idon't have many. So leave me alone, unless u just want to say Hey or whatever. FUCKER...
~Bambi Lee~
I'm crazy, really truly I am, I'm a nut job. No actually not really, I'm pretty normal. I just have my beefs with things, lots of things piss me off. Something about almost anything pisses me off.
Things are going good for me, I've apparently dropped a size in pants but gained it all in boob. I'm so excited...
*ponders a while*
I wonder how that happened. Honestly this isn't right, what's going on? Am I getting old? Am I getting fat? What the fuck!
Hmmm, what to write. I have a beef, yeah a BEEF! With teh clothing industry.
I have a horrible time shopping for clothes. Apparently girls my height should not have a waist my size. So I have a hard time finding pants with a waist small enough with legs long enough.
It's horrible.
I'm a size 0, everything is find and dandy cause they started making size 0 long, YAY for me.
But the other day I went shopping and fuck, everyone has a 0 and they are TOOO BIG! It's like the orginal 0 has dropped off the face of the fucking earth.
We aren't all 0's yeah I know, but just cause your getting fatter doesn't mean I need to loose my pant size to make you feel better about yourself.
I'm so pissed off...
Ah the diary.
I'm thinking about getting another piercing. I only have two, nose and navel, I'd like to get a monroe, but I am very attached to my face and I don't want to wreck anything.
But I find them very very unique and attractive. I dunno it's like the nose rign thing... but I can't seem to find a picture of one I like.
I've seen girls with them and I see one that looked awesome, a few of them looked kinda off... I dunno.
I wonder if there is anyone out there with one?
I dunno.. I'm getting my tattoo at the end of the month. YAY!
Wow, I havent' written in here for a long time. That's crazy, it's not like anyone reads this.
I like to rant if you haven't noticed. Yes, sweet, lil' me likes to rant and rave about the idiots in this world.
So today.. it's going to be about work. Yep, work. The good ol grinding stone.
I work at a gas station. I don't pump gas,I'm the cute clerk that takes your money. I work with pretty cool people, sept they go thruogh employees there like they go through underware.
It's ridicilious. It's a easy,dead end job so I don't know why anyone want's to leave so quickly.
Maybe it's me... Nah!
We got robbed twice in three days, which was really scary. They robbed our old night lady and one of the newer guys.
He's gone looney, he's complaining about how he would have been killed, shit like that. It's ridicilious.
I like working there, it's easy and I like mostly everyone, but it's dead end like I said... I am not going to go any where!
I love to write, so I'm giong to write about my very first true concert.. Okay?
The First Time I Did It,
I've been to concerts before, that's what happens when your in a realtionship with a metal head.
But they were just 'no-name', no offense to the Band, concerts, try outs and Openings for other bands. It was awesome, I loved the loudness the moshing mad men that bounced around crazily, banging into each other, toppling each other over, only to reach out a kind hand and pick each other up.
It was an awesome experience, I was in love with the scene.
Then it was time for the Bigger Stuff, the real Mosh Pit, the real bands, the real loud music and sweat.
It was Cannibal Corpse, playing at the Starlite room. I didn't knwo a whole lot about them, but I knew thier songs had subjects such as fucking dead corpses, but I enjoyed the loudness, and the harshness of it all. So there I went, to the Starlite room.
The line was huge! There was all sorts of people, mostly all of them looked the same. Army pants, dark shirts, bloody splattered fan tees.
I tried to fit in, but I was a girl with blond hair and I looked as if I could barely hold myself firm in a strong wind.
I lined up and I joined the greasy long haired trail of wild, cursing men and women, pierced from head to toe, and tattooed from arm to leg.
It was amazing! I entered the dark cavern of the Club and it was like being in heaven.
Then Cannibal Corpse began to play and everyone turned into morbid animals, screaming out the obscene lyrics.
Then I tried the Mosh pit for the first time. Oh my god it was so amazing! I loved it. I was squished up against the stage, peering lovingly into the tall hairy man they called Corpse Grinder. He roared and growled and I jumped and screamed.
Everyone sweated crazily it was so hot there, men and women packed in like sardines.
I was safe in my boyfriends arms and the crowd grew wilder and wilder. It was the most exciting thing I'd ever done.
A strange indian man wanting so hard to get on stage and body surf, sang to me the whole time. Banging his large sweaty head.
It was great and my next Concert was even better, though I only got a row behind the front row people. I want to do it again, again and agian. I want to kick and scratch and pull the girl next to me's hair as she tries to get closer to our idols.
Fools... I'm not as whimpy as I look. 105 pounds and I could still hold myself in a pit, I could still fend off men and women struggling for the front, and I could still throw a mean elbow!
Does anyone read these? Cause I'd really like to know.
I hate people... it just never ends. the constant stupidity that they secreate from thier beings.
I can't even spell how sad is that?
Hmm I wonder if anyone has emailed Madam Bambi for a job yet?
I had a neat-o scare yesterday. Ziggy my Boa decided he was going fora l ittle trip, without telling mommy.
I came home from work and Gad! My poor snakey was gone!
We tore the bedroom apart looking for him.
Inside the heat registers, under the carpet, through the clothes, we even took out the drawers. No Ziggy.
I did miss one drawer, not thinking he'd be in teh very top drawer, of the very highest dresser. I mean how would he get in there?
Ta Da there was mommy's baby, all nice and happy in the underware!
Silly Snake, so now he is in jail. The lid of his cage was taped and we managed to find a place for his lamp, AH HA! U can't escape me now!
*OH SO SAD*
Life is a bore, why is it so borining? I'm 21 I have stuff to complain about, Iactually have probelms and stress, unlike some ages I know.
Realationships are hard, I've only had one previously to the fiance' and he was a nice guy, but I swear I have more stress now than I had when I was that depressed teenager.
I was a depressed child... my mother was so scared of me being hurt that she kept me under lock and key. Which just hurt me in the end cause I was so fucking depressed and lonely, I couldn't enjoy anything. I hated going places, I hated being seen, I hated lookin at myself in the mirror. I mean no one other tahn my mother told me I was beautiful so I didn't thinK i was at all.
Fianlly I hit 18, and I decided to stay in town with my friend. (I went away for the summer.)
I moved in with my control best friend of 13 years,We partied a little, tried the best to enjoy our time together.
I was treated like shit, I was guilted into feeilng bad about whatever I did and whatever I said to her, or anyone else around me.
We partied with 'her' friends, and I worked a long hard day one day and was taking a nap, when she phoned me from the bar and said that I promised her I would party with her and her friends. I told her I had worked all night and need a rest, that I really did want to go out, but I had to work again the next day, My mom was there at our house. She saw how tired I was, I looked like shit. I was pale and I could barely keep my eyes open, but then... "your a bad friend, just stay there with your boyfriend and I'll party alone." Ah, yes the guilt trip, so after popping a few asprins for my headache, and saying I'd see my boyfriend when I was done partying, I trotted off likea good little friend,t o drink away my sorrows until I puked up my guts and got up to work the next day.
And then I met my man.Through her of course, she told me about him, saying he was hot and that I could totally have him. IF I got fatter, (I only weigh 105 pounds, I'm 5'8) and if I was good enough.
But I wasn't fatter, hell I looked like shit taht night, but I met him and I feel in love.
But he of course he wasn't the first choice. I had a little fling with my man's best friend. (before I met my man, I'm not a whore.)
Nothing happened, i found out the guy was a man whore.
Then my man showed up and I saw trust and love in him. I trust him so much, he was a good man, who wasn't a whore thank god.
Well to my friend I was stupid and didn't know anything abotu love and all he wanted was to get in my pants.
Fuck her she slept with my cousin who's 12 years older than her and lied about it. But alas she must be smarter and wiser than me.
So i kept on seeing him, and our care grew, and she guilted me into thinking I was a bad person, I was abandoning her and I was an evil friend. So every time I came home from a date with my boyfriend, (all my dates worked around her schedule so I didn't piss her off) that I puked everytime I came home.
I was always shaking and I was always scared. maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I should have told her to back off. But I was her friend, friends didn't do those things to friends. I was blinde and I was stupid.
I cried all the time, I hated myself so much.
Then she left me with rent and bills and a debt and married my cousin (she screwd at my family reunion) and is now giong to bear his child.
So I moved away to live with my honey, we got a nice apartment finally (after I had to endure 4 months of the whore best friend and his crack head friend.) and it was all nice.
I thought I would finally be happy. I had someone who loved me and who actually wanted to take care of me and wanted me to feel good about myself, i didn't have her to put me down, or my mom to lock me away. I felt fine for a while, but still why do I still lurk in the shadows of the past?
Why do i still hate myself? Why do I sit there hours at a time telling myself I am not good enough, that I'm merely just a girl with no where to go, and no one to become?