Wow, I havent' written in here for a long time. That's crazy, it's not like anyone reads this.
I like to rant if you haven't noticed. Yes, sweet, lil' me likes to rant and rave about the idiots in this world.
So today.. it's going to be about work. Yep, work. The good ol grinding stone.

I work at a gas station. I don't pump gas,I'm the cute clerk that takes your money. I work with pretty cool people, sept they go thruogh employees there like they go through underware.
It's ridicilious. It's a easy,dead end job so I don't know why anyone want's to leave so quickly.
Maybe it's me... Nah!
We got robbed twice in three days, which was really scary. They robbed our old night lady and one of the newer guys.
He's gone looney, he's complaining about how he would have been killed, shit like that. It's ridicilious.
I like working there, it's easy and I like mostly everyone, but it's dead end like I said... I am not going to go any where!

I love to write, so I'm giong to write about my very first true concert.. Okay?
The First Time I Did It,

I've been to concerts before, that's what happens when your in a realtionship with a metal head.
But they were just 'no-name', no offense to the Band, concerts, try outs and Openings for other bands. It was awesome, I loved the loudness the moshing mad men that bounced around crazily, banging into each other, toppling each other over, only to reach out a kind hand and pick each other up.
It was an awesome experience, I was in love with the scene.
Then it was time for the Bigger Stuff, the real Mosh Pit, the real bands, the real loud music and sweat.
It was Cannibal Corpse, playing at the Starlite room. I didn't knwo a whole lot about them, but I knew thier songs had subjects such as fucking dead corpses, but I enjoyed the loudness, and the harshness of it all. So there I went, to the Starlite room.
The line was huge! There was all sorts of people, mostly all of them looked the same. Army pants, dark shirts, bloody splattered fan tees.
I tried to fit in, but I was a girl with blond hair and I looked as if I could barely hold myself firm in a strong wind.

I lined up and I joined the greasy long haired trail of wild, cursing men and women, pierced from head to toe, and tattooed from arm to leg.
It was amazing! I entered the dark cavern of the Club and it was like being in heaven.
Then Cannibal Corpse began to play and everyone turned into morbid animals, screaming out the obscene lyrics.
Then I tried the Mosh pit for the first time. Oh my god it was so amazing! I loved it. I was squished up against the stage, peering lovingly into the tall hairy man they called Corpse Grinder. He roared and growled and I jumped and screamed.
Everyone sweated crazily it was so hot there, men and women packed in like sardines.
I was safe in my boyfriends arms and the crowd grew wilder and wilder. It was the most exciting thing I'd ever done.
A strange indian man wanting so hard to get on stage and body surf, sang to me the whole time. Banging his large sweaty head.
It was great and my next Concert was even better, though I only got a row behind the front row people. I want to do it again, again and agian. I want to kick and scratch and pull the girl next to me's hair as she tries to get closer to our idols.
Fools... I'm not as whimpy as I look. 105 pounds and I could still hold myself in a pit, I could still fend off men and women struggling for the front, and I could still throw a mean elbow!

Does anyone read these? Cause I'd really like to know.
I hate people... it just never ends. the constant stupidity that they secreate from thier beings.

I can't even spell how sad is that?

Hmm I wonder if anyone has emailed Madam Bambi for a job yet?
I had a neat-o scare yesterday. Ziggy my Boa decided he was going fora l ittle trip, without telling mommy.
I came home from work and Gad! My poor snakey was gone!
We tore the bedroom apart looking for him.
Inside the heat registers, under the carpet, through the clothes, we even took out the drawers. No Ziggy.
I did miss one drawer, not thinking he'd be in teh very top drawer, of the very highest dresser. I mean how would he get in there?
Ta Da there was mommy's baby, all nice and happy in the underware!
Silly Snake, so now he is in jail. The lid of his cage was taped and we managed to find a place for his lamp, AH HA! U can't escape me now!

*OH SO SAD*

Life is a bore, why is it so borining? I'm 21 I have stuff to complain about, Iactually have probelms and stress, unlike some ages I know.
Realationships are hard, I've only had one previously to the fiance' and he was a nice guy, but I swear I have more stress now than I had when I was that depressed teenager.

I was a depressed child... my mother was so scared of me being hurt that she kept me under lock and key. Which just hurt me in the end cause I was so fucking depressed and lonely, I couldn't enjoy anything. I hated going places, I hated being seen, I hated lookin at myself in the mirror. I mean no one other tahn my mother told me I was beautiful so I didn't thinK i was at all.

Fianlly I hit 18, and I decided to stay in town with my friend. (I went away for the summer.)
I moved in with my control best friend of 13 years,We partied a little, tried the best to enjoy our time together.
I was treated like shit, I was guilted into feeilng bad about whatever I did and whatever I said to her, or anyone else around me.
We partied with 'her' friends, and I worked a long hard day one day and was taking a nap, when she phoned me from the bar and said that I promised her I would party with her and her friends. I told her I had worked all night and need a rest, that I really did want to go out, but I had to work again the next day, My mom was there at our house. She saw how tired I was, I looked like shit. I was pale and I could barely keep my eyes open, but then... "your a bad friend, just stay there with your boyfriend and I'll party alone." Ah, yes the guilt trip, so after popping a few asprins for my headache, and saying I'd see my boyfriend when I was done partying, I trotted off likea good little friend,t o drink away my sorrows until I puked up my guts and got up to work the next day.

And then I met my man.Through her of course, she told me about him, saying he was hot and that I could totally have him. IF I got fatter, (I only weigh 105 pounds, I'm 5'8) and if I was good enough.
But I wasn't fatter, hell I looked like shit taht night, but I met him and I feel in love.

But he of course he wasn't the first choice. I had a little fling with my man's best friend. (before I met my man, I'm not a whore.)
Nothing happened, i found out the guy was a man whore.
Then my man showed up and I saw trust and love in him. I trust him so much, he was a good man, who wasn't a whore thank god.
Well to my friend I was stupid and didn't know anything abotu love and all he wanted was to get in my pants.
Fuck her she slept with my cousin who's 12 years older than her and lied about it. But alas she must be smarter and wiser than me.
So i kept on seeing him, and our care grew, and she guilted me into thinking I was a bad person, I was abandoning her and I was an evil friend. So every time I came home from a date with my boyfriend, (all my dates worked around her schedule so I didn't piss her off) that I puked everytime I came home.
I was always shaking and I was always scared. maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I should have told her to back off. But I was her friend, friends didn't do those things to friends. I was blinde and I was stupid.
I cried all the time, I hated myself so much.
Then she left me with rent and bills and a debt and married my cousin (she screwd at my family reunion) and is now giong to bear his child.
So I moved away to live with my honey, we got a nice apartment finally (after I had to endure 4 months of the whore best friend and his crack head friend.) and it was all nice.
I thought I would finally be happy. I had someone who loved me and who actually wanted to take care of me and wanted me to feel good about myself, i didn't have her to put me down, or my mom to lock me away. I felt fine for a while, but still why do I still lurk in the shadows of the past?
Why do i still hate myself? Why do I sit there hours at a time telling myself I am not good enough, that I'm merely just a girl with no where to go, and no one to become?

I had a horrible fucking day today. Wholy shit, I work at a gas sation, u would think that would be a pretty low stress job, but fuck. people can be so rude and stuckup.
I had this bitch come into the carwash (where I was working) and ask me if we took time off her carwash for her going through the front doors. I looked at her stupidly and was like "What how long does it take a person tog et through a door???"
Fucking people, pay ur goddamn 25 cents it cost for u to wash that piece of shit and get out of my face.
I am not a rude person. I'm civil and kind and I smile like a banshee, but when people strut into my workplace thinking their king shit, I feel like reachign across that fucking counter and slapping them. Think, u wouldn't like it if I came into ur job acting the way u do at mine...

Argh I gotta stop going through all these people on this thing.
I want to take half of them and take the other half and smash their heads together.
If ur within the age of 11-16... I'll strech the 16, you are NOT A SEX monster, you do not (could but most likely do not) have big boobs and a big ass. U are not old enough to even understand being sexy, or having sex for that matter, and your parents should know what the fuck your doing on this thing.
Do you want to be kidnapped and tortured? Cause seriously your leaving yourself wide open. So get a fucking clue and stop being stupid. I am only saying this because I see this happen all the time. Ur 12 years old, where's your barbies!!

I love my diary, it's not like anyone reads it.
So I want to start my own Bordelo, yes a BORDELO, I mean it would be a great business in the sleazy dirty town I live in and it would mean getting some hot, clean hookers in to town, instead of this ugly, dirty cracked ones.
It woudl be like Moulion Rouge, but without the diamonds.
I've given all my guy friends one free pass.
I would test all teh girls, and each girl would have her own bodyguard, (dont' want nobdy ruffing up my girls)
It would be so fun, I'd be a Madame and it would be grand!