fianaly bac in texas i'm so happy to be on the ground

my life is falling apart around me
all i know is now i'm drowning and soon i will be no more

i've lost my will to live but i won't kill myself
that would be to easy ...i like to suffer


my problem is not with my self or my emotions but this time it is with my family
my family has been nothing but good to me
but i know that it is always at a cost
i found this out last year when my own mother forsake me because she found out i lost my virginity..but she didn't even care about the curcumstanses and my own brother forsake his greeady natrue and rated me out just for the fun of it
now i have lived with my fater who has just be "cleand out" by thw woman he loves most
sence my father has to work for week long shifts leaving me alone , my mother who wants nothing to do with me, but wants to keep up apperances whith her family so pretends to love me in presenses of others, but still has legal custody of me insist that i cant live alone 'note this woman has left me home alone for weeks at a time' so i aam forced to stay with my fathers ex-girlfriend putting me in a emotanaly disterbing state i love her but i really don't want to leave my fater , so because of that i have been sent to spend my spring break with my grandmother 'who insist on buying my stuff for some reason i don't like people to buy me stuff because now i feel like i owe her something in return and i can't repay her'

this is me and my hat
for more pics go to desiree pictures

calm is good
right now i'm calm
the wight of everthing i have to do is on my mind
but right now i feel like i can do it even if i don't want to it will just take time

i;m so freaked out right now, thought you could never tell by seeing or talking to me i'm screaming on the inside my word is turnd around and fucked up i don't even know how to handle it
what? i fear i don't have a future until today i just thaought my future was just unknown to me but now i think that i won't have a future and i'm afraid i'm afrade to die but i'm more afraid to live
why? i ask myself this over and over but i just don't know, i can feel that something is wrong but i don't know what i don't know what to do and i don't know how to do it its not like i couldent live but i don't know if i even want to
this dosent make sence to me my life isnt that bad and i can handle it but for some reason i just want to give up and end it
but i'm not feling sad or suicidle just kinda empty and hopeless
i know that i'm not empty or hopeless and i think that i just might be lonly but i'm not really lonly because i want to be alone infact i don't know if i can stand to be with anyone even the one i love, but sometimes i just want to get as far away from that person as a can because i know that i will hurt him and i don't want to do that so i just want to run away but i know this will hurt that person even more i do love them but i dont no why i feel this way i want more than anything to be with them and be happpy but i don't know if that is something i can do.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...*stops for breath* Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ok i feel better now

i feel so lost sometimes like if i dont know if i'm comeing or going
i don't know what to do anymore,
sometimes i feels so lonly but sometimes i don't know if i want anyone to be there for me,
i like to be alone sometimes ,in fact,
i feel most safe when i'm alone
safty is someting i don't feel all that often and i'm not shure why its like i know that no one will hurt me and there is no monster under my bed or in my closet
but the notion hides at the back of my mind like somone is watching me even if i'm a hundred miles from any form of civilization i cant seem to get away but if i'm surounded by peopel i'm all alone, but what can i do
i'm sorta content with my life but this just bothers me i feel like i cant trust anyone even the very few people that i do trust i still don't want them to see who i really am for fear of them not excepting me i know i should learn to accept myself but how can i whne i'm the way that i am.

i feel better today then i have in a long time but i'm really uncertan about my future and that scares me sometimes but i think i can handle it but sometimes i don't know what i'm going to do with my life its just that there's so much i want to do and i don't think i will be able to do it or even that i will be motivated enougf to do and besides that i dont enven know if those thing will matter to me then i'm just so confused

shoot me

god damn i fucking hate my family

sometimes i just feel void of emotions like if someone close to me dies i dont even feel sad and if tragic tings happpen i just look at it without blinking when did i get so desensitised to life do i not care because i'm afraid that if i care the feeling will be to much sometimes i cry in my room alone i don't even know why an i crying for other people or am i crying for myself i know that if i really wanted to kill myself i would be dead right now im not the type to complain about wanting to but the idea has truend over in my head a good many times but i don't really feel like i ant to sometimes i don't want to be alive but i dont want to die i know that dosent make sence but i feel like life is one of the most pointless thing on of my friends once told me that most people send the majorty of there time contimplatinf wether or not to pruse useless goals then the rest of there time actually pruseing them. i askmysef why is personal gain so important why dose mony amtter so much yes i want mony but thats so i can support myself and hopefully one day support a familly of my own , th family i have right now is so fucked up i don't know wht to do but there my family and i love them so much, you know loving someone is one of the most painful thing anyone can go throught you risk your feelings for someone orr a great many people and what do they do walk all over you and most of the time tey don't even realize that it hurts you but what can you do you were the one that chose to love them to bring down the emotanal walls that keep you sefe so its your own fucking falut but its human nature to love to want to care for someone to try and love them right so i couldent help loving them could i. this fucking emotion love all it dose is hurt even when nothing is going wron theres still that pain in your chest it just hasent overwelmed you but i'm a fucking addict to pain and emotanal pain is my favorit kind thats why i think its better to not feel emotinos thean to feel pain or love yet i still want to keep liveing for those that i love and those that love me cause i know that with out love i would have nothing at all and that wich i did have would mean nothing

Statements about sex:


1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.



2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.



3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.



4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!



5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.



6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!



7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.



8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.



9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.



10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.



So now you know...if they ever ask you which sport is healthiest, you know which one and why!!;)

30 THINGS THAT WIll MAKE YOUR PARENTS GO CRAZY
1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Slither everywhere...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...

1) When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.





[2)] When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.





[3)] When you smile - I will know that you finally had sex.





[4)] When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance i get.





[5)] When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.





[6)] When you are confused - I will use little words.





[7)] When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.





[8)] When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.


[9)] When you need someone to talk to - I'll put you on hold. I never get a word in edgewise anyways.

and your inner dragon is a ....

Moon Dragon

In the war between good and evil, a Moon Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon is a risk taker and answers to no one.
As far as magical tendancies, Your inner dragon has the ability to conquer the world of magic, but it will not be easy.
During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Dragon Description:
The Moon Dragon has translucent scales and emits a soft white glow from it's body, thus earning it's name.

The moon Dragon is an especially large Dragon, but beautiful and graceful. It makes it's home in mountainous regions, often picking a large cavern to be it's lair.

Moon Dragons are nocturnal in nature, only coming out at night. They silently fly through the nighttime sky, hunting deer, antelope or other woodland creatures. The Moon Dragon has a particularly long lifespan even amongst dragonkind.Some Moon Dragons have been known to live for several millennia, making it one of the longest lived creatures in existence.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Moonstone, Starlight, and Longevity

sexual harasment in this area will not be reported

...
however it will be graded

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...*stops for breath* Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ok i feel better now

oh did i mention schools out yeaaah

Sabrina’s shrine GO NOW

ok well lets see today is sunday and i've been recovering from an intresting cold, i think i caught it on friday so i i'm lucky it will go away.