My Life

<.< >.> I bitch a loooot on this thing...

Why ruin a perfectly good tradition?

I wanna go back. I want to live in Longmont. I have nothing here. Nobody to care for me and lovel me. No one to tell me that I'm stupid and ask for advice at the same time. JM has left for Montana (not South Dakota, mind you). And I'll see him twice a year at best. Nekko will be gone next year, making Brit depressed. Brandon will be going to college next year... And everyone else is partially creepy. Partially mind you... My mom works in Longmont. Her boyfriend lives in Longmont. And every weekend, she's up in Longmont seeing him. But she absolutely refuses to move back... I have NO idea why. Everything is up there. None of us have anything here. Our lives revolve around Longmont. And yet we stay in this hell-hole!
I do not understand it. I was in Longmont just as long as I've lived in Loveland. And you'd think I'd "warm up" to it, as my mum used to put it by now. These have probably been the worst three years of my life... without the worst person in my life... What happens when he moves back and becomes over-ruling? In the worse place ever. I have no idea why I even try at life anymore. No matter what happens, things just get worse...

I don't belong here. I love the people... but this is not my home... I want to go back. Hug my friends. I love my friends. I love them so much. I shouldn't have to say good bye to them every time I go to see them, wondering the next time I'll see them. My support system shouldn't be in another fucking city!

I don't like myself. I don't like it here. I don't like the schools. I don't like the society. I don't... like... it.

My Life

He's left. I watched him leave. But it didn't really click. Didn't quite figure out that no one would be waiting for me at the park. No one would steal my internet or get all pouty when I didn't wanna cuddle with him. No one to watch play Halo 3 and stay an adamant Spyro fan. No one to say "I love you" and get the cold reply "Whatever" back. No wonder he wasn't sad when he left. Even told me he was happy he was leaving. He might not have meant it... but he probably did. It was all my fault. I wanted to tell him how much I was going to miss his smell. And instead I yelled at him for not having any pants on.
I don't think she cares for me anymore. I talked too much about him. She got her facts straight. She thinks we would be a bad idea. We probably would. But... it'd be nice. To be able to hug her as more than a friend. To play something more than pretend.
It'd be nice to go to sleep and know that someone loves you as much as you love them.

My life

I dunno man... it's all the same shit... I dunno what the hell I'm doing... about anything... and usually, it doesn't really matter. But I dunno. I've got a lot on my mind. And only two people influencing my life. I love them both... God I wish I could tell them. I wish I could say how I feel. How much they both really mean to me...
How, when he leaves, I'll cry. And I don't know if I'll ever stop. I'll wish him by my side and be so depressed when he doesn't come. The only time he's not there for me. He doesn't understand. It's not his fault. I don't talk. It's not what I do. But he's so... just... awesome... He's comfortable. He's a non-conformist. He's absolutely insane. But knows what's going on. We talk a lot, but I have something I need to tell him. It's really important, but I don't know how to do it. It'll be all awkward and weird. And the whole time I'll be thinking about how comfy he is and how every night, before I go to sleep, I think of him, and wish he were by my side, sleeping next to me, keeping me warm and all the monsters away. But I need to tell him something completely different. Or else she'll never talk to me again. I need her in my life. I need her worse than I need air. If she's not in my life for three minutes, I start to worry. I text her during class, just to make sure she's okay. She keeps falling in love with the wrong person. And it really makes me sad. I understand why... but I just wish I could somehow rewire her. Not because I want her. But because she shouldn't have to feel that pain. She really is a wonderful person. She's beautiful and doesn't understand how much she really means to everyone. She makes me so depressed. I feel like she's trying to tell me something. She always talks about how she's almost always so alone. And how she wouldn't be alone if it weren't for the fact that I was in a different town. And it hurts. It hurts real bad. My absence causes her pain. I wish it didn't.
So now I'm torn between the two. I love them both, almost unhealthily. I'm co-dependent on both of them, and their company. He's leaving soon, or should be. I really hope he doesn't... I'll never sleep as well... I left her... I wish I hadn't... I wish we'd stayed friends. All through-out that time. So that I wouldn't want to have moved at all no matter what. But do I really? I mean... if I hadn't moved... I wouldn't have met him... I'd still probably be in my other relationship, and my heart would ache for her but I wouldn't be able to do anything about it... Why does everything happen this way?

She's sleeping behind me. She left me alone. I picked her over him. I never see her, and I was beginning to miss her hair. It really is a very pretty blonde. She's had a long night. I couldn't go... I almost want to cry. I wasn't able to see her all night in her pretty dress. It's too low-cut. but I'd never get defensive about her. I'd just poke fun at the fact that her boobs were gonna fall out. She made it less though. That made me a bit more comfortable. She didn't dance with any guys. Just a bunch of her friends. It's really sad though. I bet everyone was secretly looking at her. In her pretty red dress. But she picked the one person in the room. The one that everyone hates. And he hates her. She picked the one person who just can't happen... It's enough to make you cry. You feel horrible. You want to help. You want to say that it'll pass. But it won't. She's been wired. Her heart's been given to him, and he won't give it back. I should go to his house and demand for it back. In anyway possible. My ex has no right. He needs to give it back. He doesn't even know he has it... she needs it though! More than he does! A lot more! And then she'd be able to give it to who she wanted it to go to... To who she loved... and who loved her back... someone who she deserves. Not some scum who doesn't even know what he missed.

I don't know where he is... or what he's doing... It'll either deal with video games or girls. I hope it's video games. I hope he's killing everything that moves. He's cute when he's determined. And he gets mad if you distract him. It's adorable. He thinks that I laugh at him. I'm really not. I just smile. How can I not? He just makes me so happy when I'm around him. I hit him a lot. It hurts when I do. I don't like causing him pain. But I stay tough. I don't say sorry. I sniff the tears back down and struggle to not kiss him better. I feel so bad when he apologieses. He's never done anything wrong. And then he's not happy. I wish he'd stay happy. I wish he'd ignore that I had hit him. I wish I hadn't hit him. He didn't do anything wrong.
You never understand how jealous you really are until you have the two most important people in your life, engaging in a nearly sexual manner, and you're just pissed off... you don't know who at, you don't know what about. But dammit her hands should not be down his pants. Her hands have never been down anyone's pants... So why is it now that her hands are down his? I haven't even done that...yet... at the time...
I don't think I'll ever get the two together again. I don't think I'd deal with it well. I'm apparently very territorial. Anyway, I have to sleep now. I was told to return early tomorrow... I hope I do... early enough. And at the right place. I wouldn't wish to disappoint him again. I don't take disappointing people easily.

My Life

Dude. I don't fucking know. I'm really tired... or am I? I'm in a good mood... or am I bullshitting myself? I need to figure that out. I'm whining to everyone except who I should whine to. And that fucking pisses me off. When did I become such a goddamn son of a bitch? Hm? Please, just answer me that. I hate people who bitch about their problems but won't do anything about it. And I do it now. I always have. God fucking dammit!

I'm ripped. Seriously... ripped to serious shit. Indifferent... Fuck that bullshit. No one's indifferent. It doesn't fucking make sense. Something always affects you in some way or another.

You people need to get a fucking life. Quit reading my bullshit. Don't listen to my whining. You don't know me. You don't know what's wrong with me. You don't know my pains. You don't know my joys. You don't even know my fucking name. Quit stalking me. Fucking talk to me. Don't be an ass. Don't play games. Don't fuck with my head. I'll fuck you up. Leave me the hell alone. But stay by my side. I love you. No I fucking don't! You shredded my heart. How fucking dare you. You ass! I would never say that... I love you... I hope you fucking die.

Quit reading my shit. Don't bitch to me. Fuck off.