…the fuck? I get messages like this all the time…
"I love you"?! I don't even KNOW you!
"I need a friend who would love me all my life…"
…you sure the fuck are looking in the wrong place, buddy.
I mean, they're not being rude, but I don't fucking KNOW you!
Jeezis!

okay I'm obviously not going to sing happy b-day to myself but it always reminds me of this stupid ass b-day song that I learned in middle school...okay, so...here it goes (it's supposed to be sung kind of fast)

Happy happy birthday
Today's your special day
You're one year older
Than you were yesterday
First you light the candles
Then you cut the cake
Then we get together
And help you celebrate
HEY (or YAY or some shit like that)

or if you're being really shit ass funny that day you could say
"first you cut the candles
Then you light the cake" because people are dumbasses like that

START: (x= yes, _= no)
(x) snuck out of the house?
(x) gotten lost in your city?
(x) saw a shooting star?
(x) had serious surgery?
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas?
(_) kissed a stranger?
(_) hugged a stranger?
(_) been arrested?
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose?
(_) pushed all the buttons on an elevator?
(_) jumped up and down in the elevator to get stuck?
(x) swore at your parents?
(x) been in love?
(_) been close to love?
(_) been to a casino?
(_) been skydiving?
(x) broken a bone?
(_) been high?
(_) been drunk?
(x) skipped school? *Too many times
(_) flashed someone?
(x) gotten in a fist fight?
(_) been suspended?
(_) had anger management?
(x) done the splits?
(_) played spin the bottle?
(x) gotten stitches?
(_) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?
(x) bitten someone?
(x) made someone bleed?
(_) been to Niagara Falls?
(_) gotten the chicken pox?
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex?
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed into someones car?
(_) been to Japan?
(x) ridden in a taxi?
(_) Been dumped?
(_) had a crush on someone of the same sex?
(_) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
(_) gone on a blind date?
(x) lied to a friend?
(x) had a crush on a teacher?
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans?
(_) been to Europe?
(_) slept with a co-worker?
(_) been to Africa?
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day?
(x) Been to Canada?
(_) Been to Mexico?
(_) Been on a plane?
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
(_) Thrown up in a bar?
(x) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?
(x) Eaten Sushi?
(_) Been skiing/snowboarding?
(_) Met someone in person from the internet?
(x) Cheated on a test?
(_) lost a child?
(_) done hard drugs?
(_) tried killing yourself?
(x) fired a gun?
(x) purposely hurt yourself?
(x) taken painkillers?
(x) seen someone? whatever that means.
(_) had a friend die?
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(_) had sex
(x) likes someone much older than you. Ten years at least.

Got this joke through an e-mail...had me cracking up ^^

'Lizard Birth'
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

[X] You have yelled at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you. [All the time.]
[X] You have run into a glass/screen door. [Yeh...sad enough.]
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle. [Wanted to, yes, but haven't.]
[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, getting weird looks. [ALL the time! ^^]
[X] You have run into a tree/bush. [Yeh...frequently. There is just this one tree that I never seem to remember to duck for...]
[X] You have been called a blonde. [Not a lot, but yes, once or twice.]
[X] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow. [YES IT IS...even if I maybe cant...or can I?!]
[X] You just tried to lick your elbow. [I had to make sure...]
[] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm. [I knew that.]
[X] You just sang them to make sure. [I did just make sure though.]
[X] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen. [HAHA! Yeah...I've done that...]
[X] You have choked on your own spit. [I've choked on my own intake of air, too.]
[X] You have seen the Matrix/Star Wars and still don't get it. [Starwars sometimes still gets me.]
[] You type with three fingers or less. [Nope, I use all my fingers...Mr. Bui would be proud.]
[X] You have accidentally caught something on fire. [...Riiiiight..."accidentally"...]
[X] You have caught yourself drooling. [Usually when I'm about to fall asleep.]
[X] You have fallen asleep in class. [Only recently and I've never been caught for it.]
[X] Sometimes you just stop thinking. [...]
[X] Sometimes, when you are telling a story, you forget what you were talking about. [This one time I was...Huh? What are you looking at?]
[] People often shake their heads and walk away from you. [I would have checked this, but it doesn't happen 'often'...just sometimes.]
[X] You are often told to use your "inside voice." [Yeh.]
[X] You use your fingers to do simple math. [I do it to count to five sometimes O.o]
[X] you have eaten a bug accidentally. [On my bike, yes...sucks.]
[X] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. [Ahem...biology homework...]
[X] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it. [I went all day with my pants inside out and didn't realize until I was on the bus home.]
[X] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time. [Usually for a pencil or something.]
[] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't. [HAHAHA.]
[X] You break a lot of things. [But I also fix them.]
[] You tilt your head when you're confused. [No I just stare blankly, actually.]
[X] You have fallen out of your chair before. [Only once or twice but yes I have...I fell out of chair without any actual force upon me, either. Figure that one out.]
[X] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. [And SUCEEDED.]
[X] The word um is used many times a day. [Um...yeah.]
[X] You don't know what "um" means. [What? I thought it was just an expression of confusion or thought...O.o uh oh.]
[X] You say what and huh a lot. [Huh? What? Huh?]
[X] You used a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin. [Yesh. If I need my fingers to count to five, I'll need a calculator for this as well.]

I'm 87% AWESOME.

Originally, it was intended for you to say "I'm _% retarded." BULLSHIT. I'll tell you what's retarded. Taking the rating of some random fuckass pseudo-survey that wasn't even that well thought-up as fact. I marked those statements proudly, and I encourage you to do the same. Repost this with the phrase "I'm _% AWESOME" (The % is 3x the number of X's you put down) if you're proud to be a scatterbrained geek (or level-headed nerd, depending on your score).

As for Roland, well…the easy thing would be to say his pain had just begun.

But t'ain't true.

See his face? No expression, no tears, no great racking sobs, no cries of loss or howls for vengeance. Not yet, at least.

At this moment, the only thing different 'twixt her and him…

…is that she's dead on the outside.

His death is deeper and will last a lifetime.