okay I'm obviously not going to sing happy b-day to myself but it always reminds me of this stupid ass b-day song that I learned in middle school...okay, so...here it goes (it's supposed to be sung kind of fast)

Happy happy birthday
Today's your special day
You're one year older
Than you were yesterday
First you light the candles
Then you cut the cake
Then we get together
And help you celebrate
HEY (or YAY or some shit like that)

or if you're being really shit ass funny that day you could say
"first you cut the candles
Then you light the cake" because people are dumbasses like that

START: (x= yes, _= no)
(x) snuck out of the house?
(x) gotten lost in your city?
(x) saw a shooting star?
(x) had serious surgery?
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas?
(_) kissed a stranger?
(_) hugged a stranger?
(_) been arrested?
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose?
(_) pushed all the buttons on an elevator?
(_) jumped up and down in the elevator to get stuck?
(x) swore at your parents?
(x) been in love?
(_) been close to love?
(_) been to a casino?
(_) been skydiving?
(x) broken a bone?
(_) been high?
(_) been drunk?
(x) skipped school? *Too many times
(_) flashed someone?
(x) gotten in a fist fight?
(_) been suspended?
(_) had anger management?
(x) done the splits?
(_) played spin the bottle?
(x) gotten stitches?
(_) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?
(x) bitten someone?
(x) made someone bleed?
(_) been to Niagara Falls?
(_) gotten the chicken pox?
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex?
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed into someones car?
(_) been to Japan?
(x) ridden in a taxi?
(_) Been dumped?
(_) had a crush on someone of the same sex?
(_) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
(_) gone on a blind date?
(x) lied to a friend?
(x) had a crush on a teacher?
(_) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans?
(_) been to Europe?
(_) slept with a co-worker?
(_) been to Africa?
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day?
(x) Been to Canada?
(_) Been to Mexico?
(_) Been on a plane?
(_) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
(_) Thrown up in a bar?
(x) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?
(x) Eaten Sushi?
(_) Been skiing/snowboarding?
(_) Met someone in person from the internet?
(x) Cheated on a test?
(_) lost a child?
(_) done hard drugs?
(_) tried killing yourself?
(x) fired a gun?
(x) purposely hurt yourself?
(x) taken painkillers?
(x) seen someone? whatever that means.
(_) had a friend die?
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(_) had sex
(x) likes someone much older than you. Ten years at least.

Got this joke through an e-mail...had me cracking up ^^

'Lizard Birth'
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.
'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'
'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'
'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'
I was equally outraged.
'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.
'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)
'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).
'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.
'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.
'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth.'
'Oh, gross!' they shrieked
'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.
'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.
'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.
'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.
'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.
'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.
'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.
'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.
'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.
'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
'So, Ernie's just just . . . excited,' my wife offered.
'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.
'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.
'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs!

[X] You have yelled at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you. [All the time.]
[X] You have run into a glass/screen door. [Yeh...sad enough.]
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle. [Wanted to, yes, but haven't.]
[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, getting weird looks. [ALL the time! ^^]
[X] You have run into a tree/bush. [Yeh...frequently. There is just this one tree that I never seem to remember to duck for...]
[X] You have been called a blonde. [Not a lot, but yes, once or twice.]
[X] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow. [YES IT IS...even if I maybe cant...or can I?!]
[X] You just tried to lick your elbow. [I had to make sure...]
[] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm. [I knew that.]
[X] You just sang them to make sure. [I did just make sure though.]
[X] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen. [HAHA! Yeah...I've done that...]
[X] You have choked on your own spit. [I've choked on my own intake of air, too.]
[X] You have seen the Matrix/Star Wars and still don't get it. [Starwars sometimes still gets me.]
[] You type with three fingers or less. [Nope, I use all my fingers...Mr. Bui would be proud.]
[X] You have accidentally caught something on fire. [...Riiiiight..."accidentally"...]
[X] You have caught yourself drooling. [Usually when I'm about to fall asleep.]
[X] You have fallen asleep in class. [Only recently and I've never been caught for it.]
[X] Sometimes you just stop thinking. [...]
[X] Sometimes, when you are telling a story, you forget what you were talking about. [This one time I was...Huh? What are you looking at?]
[] People often shake their heads and walk away from you. [I would have checked this, but it doesn't happen 'often'...just sometimes.]
[X] You are often told to use your "inside voice." [Yeh.]
[X] You use your fingers to do simple math. [I do it to count to five sometimes O.o]
[X] you have eaten a bug accidentally. [On my bike, yes...sucks.]
[X] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. [Ahem...biology homework...]
[X] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it. [I went all day with my pants inside out and didn't realize until I was on the bus home.]
[X] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time. [Usually for a pencil or something.]
[] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't. [HAHAHA.]
[X] You break a lot of things. [But I also fix them.]
[] You tilt your head when you're confused. [No I just stare blankly, actually.]
[X] You have fallen out of your chair before. [Only once or twice but yes I have...I fell out of chair without any actual force upon me, either. Figure that one out.]
[X] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. [And SUCEEDED.]
[X] The word um is used many times a day. [Um...yeah.]
[X] You don't know what "um" means. [What? I thought it was just an expression of confusion or thought...O.o uh oh.]
[X] You say what and huh a lot. [Huh? What? Huh?]
[X] You used a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin. [Yesh. If I need my fingers to count to five, I'll need a calculator for this as well.]

I'm 87% AWESOME.

Originally, it was intended for you to say "I'm _% retarded." BULLSHIT. I'll tell you what's retarded. Taking the rating of some random fuckass pseudo-survey that wasn't even that well thought-up as fact. I marked those statements proudly, and I encourage you to do the same. Repost this with the phrase "I'm _% AWESOME" (The % is 3x the number of X's you put down) if you're proud to be a scatterbrained geek (or level-headed nerd, depending on your score).

As for Roland, well…the easy thing would be to say his pain had just begun.

But t'ain't true.

See his face? No expression, no tears, no great racking sobs, no cries of loss or howls for vengeance. Not yet, at least.

At this moment, the only thing different 'twixt her and him…

…is that she's dead on the outside.

His death is deeper and will last a lifetime.

Here are just some examples of some funny articles from cracked...but as I said in the pervious diary entry, go to the home page and see the catergories there, so you can go to which ones you'd find funniest.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15670_25-most-baffling-toys-from-around-world.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15629_30-most-unsettling-german-halloween-costumes.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15764_5-least-surprising-toy-recalls-all-time.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15693_10-most-ridiculous-inventions-ever-patented.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15112_10-least-romantic-love-song-lyrics.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15118_25-most-ridiculous-band-names-in-rock-history.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15119_25-worst-rapper-names-all-time.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15164_5-stages-online-dating.html

As found by my new favorite website, www.cracked.com

The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World

Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars.

In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head.

We've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook.

#6. Escamoles


From:
Mexico.

What the hell is it?
Escamoles are the eggs of the giant black Liometopum ant, which makes its home in the root systems of maguey and agave plants. Collecting the eggs is a uniquely unpleasant job, since the ants are highly venomous and have some kind of blood grudge against human orifices.

The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. The most popular way to eat them is in a taco with guacamole, while being fucking insane.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Escamoles have a surprisingly pleasant taste: buttery and slightly nutty. This hugely increases the chances that, while in Mexico, you could eat them without realizing you are eating a taco full of fucking ant eggs.

Danger of this turning up in America:
We're not sure Taco Bell hasn't snuck this shit into their food already. Just make sure you know what' in that burrito. Ask at the counter if you have to. Also, watch those ads close because they'll try to dress it up in some kind of friendly-sounding, pseudo-Mexican name.



#5. Casu Marzu


From:
Sardinia, Italy.

What the hell is it?
This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet Fucking Christ. Casu Marzu is a sheep' milk cheese that has been deliberately infested by a Piophila casei, the "cheese fly." The result is a maggot-ridden, weeping stink bomb in an advanced state of decomposition.

Its translucent larvae are able to jump about 6 inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires eye protection while eating. The taste is strong enough to burn the tongue, and the larvae themselves pass through the stomach undigested, sometimes surviving long enough to breed in the intestine, where they attempt to bore through the walls, causing vomiting and bloody diarrhea.

Wait, it gets worse ...
This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That' right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae will, as they leap desperately toward your face in an effort to escape the putrescent horror of the only home they have ever known. Even the cheese itself is ashamed; when prodded, it weeps an odorous liquid called lagrima, Sardinian for "tears."

Danger of this turning up in America:
There is significant danger here, as we're thinking the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouse they'd like to get rid of. And, there may actually be a market for it. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there' times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.



#4. Lutefisk


From:
Norway.

What the hell is it?
Ahhh, Lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it's a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.

A little too clean.

Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.

Wait, it gets worse ...
For those of you who don't know, lye (potassium hydroxide/sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, de-budding cow horns, powering batteries and manufacturing biodiesel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness or total deliciousness, depending on whether you pour it onto a herring or your own face. Or, so the lutefisk industry would have us believe.

Danger of this turning up in America:
IT'S ALREADY HERE! Shit!

It' true, lutefisk is more popular in the United States than in Norway. What the hell are they doing with it? They're not eating it are they? Is it because it' a cheap alternative to colonic irrigation? Seriously, how do you advertise this stuff?



#3. Baby Mice Wine


From:
Korea.

What the hell is it?
What better to wash down your gelatinous lumps of lye fish than a nice chilled cup of dead mice? What better indeed.

Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw gasoline. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!

Danger of this turning up in America:
Who are you going to find in America that' OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.



#2. Pacha


From:
Iraq.

What the hell is it?
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It' a sheep' head. Boiled.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Pacha only reveals its terror gradually. Sure, maybe you can get around the fact that you're eating face. But, the more you eat it, the more bone is revealed, until you give a final burp and set your cutlery down beside a grinning ivory skull. Its hollow eye sockets stare back at you with a look of grim damnation. "Burp while ye may," the sockets say, "for the same fate will happen to you--and all too soon."

We wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up? Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?

Danger of this turning up in America:
Not looking like that, it won't. But, you tell people that sheep head contains some kind of enzyme that boosts your metabolism and ...



#1. Balut


From:
The Philippines

What the hell is it?
Behold, for our journey of horror reaches its destination. Balut are duck eggs that have been incubated until the fetus is all feathery and beaky, and then boiled alive. The bones give the eggs a uniquely crunchy texture.


They are enjoyed in Cambodia, Philippines and the fifth and seventh levels of hell. They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.

Wait, it gets worse ...
... Because you're never going to look at an egg the same way. Tell yourself that every time you crack open an egg from now on you won't be half expecting a leathery wad of bird to come flopping out into the skillet.

Yes, balut is upsetting on about a half-dozen levels. Sure, all meat eaters know on some level that the delicious chop on your plate used to belong to something cute and fluffy, which gambolled in the sun during the brief spring of its life. Most of the time, it' perfectly possible not to give a shit. But, when you're biting into something that hasn't even had a chance to see its mother' face ... well, it' different.

Danger of this turning up in America:
Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?

BRAND NEW LYRICS

"Seventy Times 7" - Only my favorite part in the song, not complete lyrics

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.