[X] You have yelled at an inanimate object for 'hurting' you. [All the time.]
[X] You have run into a glass/screen door. [Yeh...sad enough.]
[] You have jumped out of a moving vehicle. [Wanted to, yes, but haven't.]
[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, getting weird looks. [ALL the time! ^^]
[X] You have run into a tree/bush. [Yeh...frequently. There is just this one tree that I never seem to remember to duck for...]
[X] You have been called a blonde. [Not a lot, but yes, once or twice.]
[X] You know that it IS possible to lick your elbow. [YES IT IS...even if I maybe cant...or can I?!]
[X] You just tried to lick your elbow. [I had to make sure...]
[] You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm. [I knew that.]
[X] You just sang them to make sure. [I did just make sure though.]
[X] You have tripped on your own feet and fallen. [HAHA! Yeah...I've done that...]
[X] You have choked on your own spit. [I've choked on my own intake of air, too.]
[X] You have seen the Matrix/Star Wars and still don't get it. [Starwars sometimes still gets me.]
[] You type with three fingers or less. [Nope, I use all my fingers...Mr. Bui would be proud.]
[X] You have accidentally caught something on fire. [...Riiiiight..."accidentally"...]
[X] You have caught yourself drooling. [Usually when I'm about to fall asleep.]
[X] You have fallen asleep in class. [Only recently and I've never been caught for it.]
[X] Sometimes you just stop thinking. [...]
[X] Sometimes, when you are telling a story, you forget what you were talking about. [This one time I was...Huh? What are you looking at?]
[] People often shake their heads and walk away from you. [I would have checked this, but it doesn't happen 'often'...just sometimes.]
[X] You are often told to use your "inside voice." [Yeh.]
[X] You use your fingers to do simple math. [I do it to count to five sometimes O.o]
[X] you have eaten a bug accidentally. [On my bike, yes...sucks.]
[X] You are taking this test when you should be doing something more important. [Ahem...biology homework...]
[X] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn't realize it. [I went all day with my pants inside out and didn't realize until I was on the bus home.]
[X] You've looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand/pocket the whole time. [Usually for a pencil or something.]
[] You repost bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don't. [HAHAHA.]
[X] You break a lot of things. [But I also fix them.]
[] You tilt your head when you're confused. [No I just stare blankly, actually.]
[X] You have fallen out of your chair before. [Only once or twice but yes I have...I fell out of chair without any actual force upon me, either. Figure that one out.]
[X] When you're lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture on the ceiling. [And SUCEEDED.]
[X] The word um is used many times a day. [Um...yeah.]
[X] You don't know what "um" means. [What? I thought it was just an expression of confusion or thought...O.o uh oh.]
[X] You say what and huh a lot. [Huh? What? Huh?]
[X] You used a calculator to multiply your score for this bulletin. [Yesh. If I need my fingers to count to five, I'll need a calculator for this as well.]

I'm 87% AWESOME.

Originally, it was intended for you to say "I'm _% retarded." BULLSHIT. I'll tell you what's retarded. Taking the rating of some random fuckass pseudo-survey that wasn't even that well thought-up as fact. I marked those statements proudly, and I encourage you to do the same. Repost this with the phrase "I'm _% AWESOME" (The % is 3x the number of X's you put down) if you're proud to be a scatterbrained geek (or level-headed nerd, depending on your score).

As for Roland, well…the easy thing would be to say his pain had just begun.

But t'ain't true.

See his face? No expression, no tears, no great racking sobs, no cries of loss or howls for vengeance. Not yet, at least.

At this moment, the only thing different 'twixt her and him…

…is that she's dead on the outside.

His death is deeper and will last a lifetime.

Here are just some examples of some funny articles from cracked...but as I said in the pervious diary entry, go to the home page and see the catergories there, so you can go to which ones you'd find funniest.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15670_25-most-baffling-toys-from-around-world.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15629_30-most-unsettling-german-halloween-costumes.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15764_5-least-surprising-toy-recalls-all-time.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15693_10-most-ridiculous-inventions-ever-patented.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15112_10-least-romantic-love-song-lyrics.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15118_25-most-ridiculous-band-names-in-rock-history.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15119_25-worst-rapper-names-all-time.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15164_5-stages-online-dating.html

As found by my new favorite website, www.cracked.com

The 6 Most Terrifying Foods in the World

Humans are like goats. We'll eat any damned thing. Just ask the people who make PowerBars.

In fact, you'll find foods in this world that don't even seem possible. Not just that they could exist, but that people would actually stick this stuff in their mouths without a gun to their head.

We've found six dishes that seemed to have sprung from Satan's own cookbook.

#6. Escamoles


From:
Mexico.

What the hell is it?
Escamoles are the eggs of the giant black Liometopum ant, which makes its home in the root systems of maguey and agave plants. Collecting the eggs is a uniquely unpleasant job, since the ants are highly venomous and have some kind of blood grudge against human orifices.

The eggs have the consistency of cottage cheese. The most popular way to eat them is in a taco with guacamole, while being fucking insane.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Escamoles have a surprisingly pleasant taste: buttery and slightly nutty. This hugely increases the chances that, while in Mexico, you could eat them without realizing you are eating a taco full of fucking ant eggs.

Danger of this turning up in America:
We're not sure Taco Bell hasn't snuck this shit into their food already. Just make sure you know what' in that burrito. Ask at the counter if you have to. Also, watch those ads close because they'll try to dress it up in some kind of friendly-sounding, pseudo-Mexican name.



#5. Casu Marzu


From:
Sardinia, Italy.

What the hell is it?
This, dear reader, is a medium-sized lump of Sweet Fucking Christ. Casu Marzu is a sheep' milk cheese that has been deliberately infested by a Piophila casei, the "cheese fly." The result is a maggot-ridden, weeping stink bomb in an advanced state of decomposition.

Its translucent larvae are able to jump about 6 inches into the air, making this the only cheese that requires eye protection while eating. The taste is strong enough to burn the tongue, and the larvae themselves pass through the stomach undigested, sometimes surviving long enough to breed in the intestine, where they attempt to bore through the walls, causing vomiting and bloody diarrhea.

Wait, it gets worse ...
This cheese is a delicacy in Sardinia, where it is illegal. That' right. It is illegal in the only place where people actually want to eat it. If this does not communicate a very clear message, perhaps the larvae will, as they leap desperately toward your face in an effort to escape the putrescent horror of the only home they have ever known. Even the cheese itself is ashamed; when prodded, it weeps an odorous liquid called lagrima, Sardinian for "tears."

Danger of this turning up in America:
There is significant danger here, as we're thinking the cheese companies have a lot of maggot stock in the back of their warehouse they'd like to get rid of. And, there may actually be a market for it. Self-loathing is a powerful force in this economy (see the diet section of your local supermarket) and there' times you get low enough that, damn it, you feel like you deserve nothing better than infested cheese.



#4. Lutefisk


From:
Norway.

What the hell is it?
Ahhh, Lutefisk. After the larvae-ridden cheese, it's a blessed relief to sample a clean, down-to-earth Scandinavian recipe.

A little too clean.

Lutefisk is a traditional Norwegian dish featuring cod that has been steeped for many days in a solution of lye, until its flesh is caustic enough to dissolve silver cutlery.

Wait, it gets worse ...
For those of you who don't know, lye (potassium hydroxide/sodium hydroxide) is a powerful industrial chemical used for cleaning drains, killing plants, de-budding cow horns, powering batteries and manufacturing biodiesel. Contact with lye can cause chemical burns, permanent scarring, blindness or total deliciousness, depending on whether you pour it onto a herring or your own face. Or, so the lutefisk industry would have us believe.

Danger of this turning up in America:
IT'S ALREADY HERE! Shit!

It' true, lutefisk is more popular in the United States than in Norway. What the hell are they doing with it? They're not eating it are they? Is it because it' a cheap alternative to colonic irrigation? Seriously, how do you advertise this stuff?



#3. Baby Mice Wine


From:
Korea.

What the hell is it?
What better to wash down your gelatinous lumps of lye fish than a nice chilled cup of dead mice? What better indeed.

Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw gasoline. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Do you wince at the thought of swallowing a tequila worm? Imagine how you'd feel during a session on this bastard. Whoops, I swallowed a dead mouse! Whoops, there goes another one! Whoops, I just puked my entire body out of my nose!

Danger of this turning up in America:
Who are you going to find in America that' OK with drinking dead fetus juice as a way to improve their own health? OK, other than lawyers.



#2. Pacha


From:
Iraq.

What the hell is it?
Of all the dishes, this is the one most likely to be mistaken for a threatening message from the mob. It' a sheep' head. Boiled.

Wait, it gets worse ...
Pacha only reveals its terror gradually. Sure, maybe you can get around the fact that you're eating face. But, the more you eat it, the more bone is revealed, until you give a final burp and set your cutlery down beside a grinning ivory skull. Its hollow eye sockets stare back at you with a look of grim damnation. "Burp while ye may," the sockets say, "for the same fate will happen to you--and all too soon."

We wonder why the Iraqis keep blowing themselves up? Wouldn't you, if every evening meal was a festival of death?

Danger of this turning up in America:
Not looking like that, it won't. But, you tell people that sheep head contains some kind of enzyme that boosts your metabolism and ...



#1. Balut


From:
The Philippines

What the hell is it?
Behold, for our journey of horror reaches its destination. Balut are duck eggs that have been incubated until the fetus is all feathery and beaky, and then boiled alive. The bones give the eggs a uniquely crunchy texture.


They are enjoyed in Cambodia, Philippines and the fifth and seventh levels of hell. They are typically sold by street vendors at night, out of buckets of warm sand. You can spot the vendors because of their glowing red eyes, and the faint, otherworldly sound of children screaming.

Wait, it gets worse ...
... Because you're never going to look at an egg the same way. Tell yourself that every time you crack open an egg from now on you won't be half expecting a leathery wad of bird to come flopping out into the skillet.

Yes, balut is upsetting on about a half-dozen levels. Sure, all meat eaters know on some level that the delicious chop on your plate used to belong to something cute and fluffy, which gambolled in the sun during the brief spring of its life. Most of the time, it' perfectly possible not to give a shit. But, when you're biting into something that hasn't even had a chance to see its mother' face ... well, it' different.

Danger of this turning up in America:
Actually, marketed properly, these eggs could be a damn good motivator. When you've looked death in the face at breakfast time, what the hell else can the day throw at you?

BRAND NEW LYRICS

"Seventy Times 7" - Only my favorite part in the song, not complete lyrics

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call, and end this conversation.
and is that what you call a getaway?
well tell me what you got away with.
cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Well tell me what you got away with.
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when your head goes through the windshield.

Some things are worth saving
[Some things just aren't]
When the world is at your fingertips
[Everything seems so damn hard]
Wish it wasn't like this
[I don't have much of a choice]
Through all your screaming
[I finally found my true voice]
With the weight of the world
[Throwing itself at my door]
Sometimes the bodies
[Just have to hit the floor]
One by one they fall down dead
[Painting the walls, staining them red]
Tread carefully, dear
[Turn around slowly]
Hold your every breath
[Keep the screams in your head]
Take even count of your steps
[And go back the way you came]
This will be your last day
[Your last chance to keep sane]

Watch and see how to days go by
Nothing is real when the scars on your arms
Are the only record of time
This is the last stand, your last chance

And then it’s not just days but years that pass
Wake up one day and see that you’ve wasted it all
Well, until then, I’m gonna live like
I don’t see anything wrong
Nothing’s wrong with me,
Why wont you just leave me…alone

Never take a chance and you wont be hurt,
And you’ll never feel nothing at all, so be it
I’ve made my mark,
Even if it’s on my own goddamned skin
If it’s time to leave this world tonight
I’ll pray for you and this whole fucking world
And I’ll scream my own name as the gun goes off
Knowing that it’ll be the last damn thing
You’ll never have to hear

And then it’s not just years that pass but your faith
Wake up one day and see
That you’ve got nothing at all
Well, until then, I’m gonna live like
I don’t see anything wrong
Nothing’s wrong with me,
Why don’t you just let me die…alone


© Shauna Hanrahan, 2008

1. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

2. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

3. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

4. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

5. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

6. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

7. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

8. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

9. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

10. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

11. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

12. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

13. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

14. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

15. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

16. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

17. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

18. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

19. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

20. If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,
and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body, looking down on it,
I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit
and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.
This would coax the spirit to return to his body.
If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand
on the breast of a nurse.
That ought to do it.
In any case, I'd take the $100 bill back
before he woke up.

21. Isn't it funny how whenever we go
to a county fair or a state fair,
the first thing we do is see if they
have some kind of pornography booth.


22. If you ever drop your keys
into a river of molten lava
let 'em go, because, man,
they're gone.

23. If aliens from outer space ever come
and we show them our civilization
and they make fun of it,
we should say we were just kidding,
that this isn't really our civilization,
but a gag we hoped they would like.
Then we tell them to come back in twenty years
to see our REAL civilization.
After that, we start a crash program of
coming up with an impressive new civilization.
Either that, or just shoot down the aliens
as they're waving good-bye.

24. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.
But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

25. It makes me mad when people say
I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,
who was running to go fight in another fight,
away from the first fight.

26. I believe in making the world safe
for our children,
but not for our children's children,
because I don't think children
should be having sex.


27. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

28. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

29. Too bad you cant buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

30. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

31. If you go parachuting,
and your parachute doesn't open,
and you friends are all watching you fall,
I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

32. You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,
don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
It's their way of letting off stress.

33. When the age of the Viking's came to a close,
they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening,
slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

34. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

35. I remember one day I was at grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

36. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


*All quotes are the original masterpieces by Jack Handey himself*

You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now.
Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't chewed your shoe? I didn't know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys.

Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn't get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't barked? I was only saying, "I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm here, I'm here! I want to be your best friend."

Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn't make me learn how.

Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and teach manners to me? You didn't pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me.

I died today.

Love, Your Puppy.