1. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

2. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

3. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

4. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

5. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

6. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

7. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

8. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

9. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

10. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

11. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

12. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

13. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

14. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

15. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

16. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

17. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

18. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

19. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

20. If I was a doctor, operating on a patient,
and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering
above his own body, looking down on it,
I would take out a $100 bill, flash it at the spirit
and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body.
This would coax the spirit to return to his body.
If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand
on the breast of a nurse.
That ought to do it.
In any case, I'd take the $100 bill back
before he woke up.

21. Isn't it funny how whenever we go
to a county fair or a state fair,
the first thing we do is see if they
have some kind of pornography booth.


22. If you ever drop your keys
into a river of molten lava
let 'em go, because, man,
they're gone.

23. If aliens from outer space ever come
and we show them our civilization
and they make fun of it,
we should say we were just kidding,
that this isn't really our civilization,
but a gag we hoped they would like.
Then we tell them to come back in twenty years
to see our REAL civilization.
After that, we start a crash program of
coming up with an impressive new civilization.
Either that, or just shoot down the aliens
as they're waving good-bye.

24. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.
But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.

25. It makes me mad when people say
I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,
who was running to go fight in another fight,
away from the first fight.

26. I believe in making the world safe
for our children,
but not for our children's children,
because I don't think children
should be having sex.


27. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

28. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

29. Too bad you cant buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

30. Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

31. If you go parachuting,
and your parachute doesn't open,
and you friends are all watching you fall,
I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

32. You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,
don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
It's their way of letting off stress.

33. When the age of the Viking's came to a close,
they must have sensed it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening,
slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

34. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

35. I remember one day I was at grandpa's farm, and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

36. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police, but then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.


*All quotes are the original masterpieces by Jack Handey himself*

You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now.
Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't chewed your shoe? I didn't know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys.

Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn't get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days.

Would I still be at home if I hadn't barked? I was only saying, "I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm here, I'm here! I want to be your best friend."

Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn't make me learn how.

Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and teach manners to me? You didn't pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me.

I died today.

Love, Your Puppy.

*To every guy whos never cheated....

*To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

*To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."

*To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to
see her.

*To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

*To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

*To every guy that said he would die for her.

*To every guy that really would.

*To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

*To every guy that regrets hurting her.

*To every guy that cried in front of her.

*To every guy that she cried in front of.

*To every guy that holds hands with her.

*To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

*To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

*To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

*To every guy who would give up their jacket for her.

*To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

*To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be
able to see her for ten minutes.

*To every guy that would give up his seat.

*To every guy that just wants to cuddle with his special movie
partner... and not fall asleep

*To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no
matter what...

*To every guy that believes in her.

*To every guy who told his secrets and fears to her.

*To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through
every word and every breath.

*To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

*To every guy that believed in her dreams.

*To every guy that would have done anything so she could
achieve them.

*To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her
dreams.

*To every guy that walked her to her car.

*To every guy that wasn't just trying to get LAID!!!!

*To every guy that actually listened.

*To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in
his face.

**TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU
ARE NOT WITH HER.

Not all girls appreciate nice guys. There's not many left out there...

Month One
Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.


Month Three
You know what mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.


Month Four
Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.


Month Five
You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's an abortion?


Month Six
I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!


Month Seven
Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. he is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me mommy?


Every Abortion Is Just...
One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.


.::If you're against abortion, repost this::.

Ra - Don't Turn Away lyrics

Under the sun I stand
Over the wings of Fallen Angels
I can't believe the things you show me
In my dreams I have you next to me
Forever gone is love
Out of control I fall in trenches
And if you leave me empty
How will I design the world I need
In your eyes you see it done
Colors drained away like water
Distance all but disappears
And nothing can be done
Don't, Don't turn away
Don't let it take you over
You cannot give in
Don't let it take you over now
And in your eyes I catch
A tiny glimpse of heaven calling
You try to stay in touch but can you
End what has no real beginning
In your eyes you see it done
Colors drained away like water
Distance all but disappears
And nothing can be done
Don't, Don't turn away
Don't let it take you over
You cannot give in
Don't let it take you over now
And I walk away
I leave you right where you stand
I'll never regret all that I said to you
But you never turned away
You never turned away
You never turned away
You never turned away
Don't, Don't turn away
Don't let it take you over
You cannot give in
Don't let it take you over now
Don't, Don't turn away
Don't let it take you over
You cannot give in
Don't let it take you over now
And I walk away
I leave you right where you stand
I'll never regret all that I said to you
But you never turned away
You never turned away
You never turned away
You never turned away
Don't, Don't turn away
Don't let it take you over
You cannot give in
Don't let it take you over now

Well, I looked and it said that this diary was "sad and empty", giving me a rather pathetic guilt trip. So, I am writing in it! DON'T BE SAD AND EMPTY, LITTLE DIARY!! TIS OKAY!!! *strokes lovingly*