I am cranky right now, but that is because I am tired. I am playing on Runescape, about to get off and take my shower. I decided to write tonight for some reason that involved a feeling of anger or rage or frustration. I can't remember what the cause was, and it was just two minutes ago. I was thinking of something I know that much.
I don't understand what is going on with her. I messed something up. now I lost a freind. Losing. it is slowly spiralling downward. It seems like it is just her going through that hormome stage in being a teenager. it is weird. I never thought it would influence me that much. Mine came around after the age of 17. hers started near the time she would be 16. I am tired. I don't want to figure it out. I do that too much. I hate being as smaart as I am. People turn to me for asnwers. People criticized me for acting like a smart ass. I sppout out answers to questions people don't ask me. I understand too well. Why? Why must I? Why do I? Why Am I this curious? The only person who made me feel comfortable was new and obsessed. Then I didn't realise that she was a person I could have used. I thought her too immature; I was correct but I too was not at the right maturity to understand (hormones where happening. Explains why.) Now After my hormone episode. i see what i missed out on and feel worse when i remember that is what i could of had. Now anytime I see what I want, I receed into that other spot in my mind and feel bad.
This is all for now.
Why must I reach out? Why? I am he one who has to start "first contact". Hell! I can't even get people to take my poll. It is only a yes/no question. Why Is this something I must do? Did god put me here to do it purposefully? Well I am tired of reaching out. I want someone to find me, or talk to me. I want to feel wanted. How can I be so strong for so long? Why mus I be? Someone would figure that it would have happened by now. That someone would want me. I want to curl up in a ball and stay within myself, but I won't. There are to many takers who need me and do or don't realise it. Why is it i stay for them? Why do I? I have this hope that one day someone will notice. Hope. That is it. I don't want to hope anymore.
I think I might be "emo" or emotional and i don't know it. Well I just pissed off Jessica. I got Lost in our conversation but it doesn't matter. She doesn't want her friends, tough luck. If she wants to be purposely lonely then it is only her she can blame. If she was lonely by cause then she wouldn't want to be. It Is a fucking cold place where evil things arise from. It degrades your mind and the more you dwell there the worse you get. But she doesn't know that. She is trying to go in reverse by using that to get there. It isn't happening so she can be pissed.
Ok. I was wrong the dance was good. I wished I stayed longer to dance another slow song but I did have fun at the factory. I need to get in better shape, because at the factory I couldn't dance that well my legs were tired.
I don't get it why won't people take my poll? Well today I must go to a dance. I have to work at it and I wasn't planning on going in the first place. You never know I might get lucky. Yeah lucky people get lucky every once in a while.
YYAAAWWWWNNNNN
I am soo cold right now. It sucks not having sealed windows, but that's life. I have been thinking of someone lately. The best part is that I actually have been able to keep my mind preoccupied so I do not think of her. So life has been good insidd my head. Well i guess.