Did a minor spell last night. Got some of the wording a little wrong, but it wasn't that big a deal. Meant the same thing in the end.

It was just a banishing type - where you write down everything that's upseting you and burn the paper. Sasha joined in so I only did a very very basic circle, but it was cool of her to join in. You can loose your nerve a bit when a couple of people walk past and your invoking the godess. I don't normaly get embarassed or anything, and I'm certainly not embarassed of my religion, it's just people look at you as if you've grown another head, which makes you feel a bit awkward, and the sincerity goes out of your voice, and you feel exposed.

I would have liked my first outdoor circle to have been more secluded, but in all reality, it was a really good spot next to the canal down the path that hardly anyone uses. Being next to the canal I was able to use the water there rather than carry any with me (or substitute with salt) so that was quite cool. Wasn't sure about extending the circle into the canal, didn't seem right some how.

I'd love to find a regular circle in town, I know there's a few other wiccan's round and about. It'd be really nice to go to a circle with experienced witches, rather than just basicaly guessing and probably getting bits wrong.

Hopefully when I get my room sorted I'll have a small alter and enough space for a circle anyway. Could do with a beosom really to clear the circle and stuff... and an athame... and my wand's pretty... basic. But hey!

Enough witchyness.

I'm feeling better, though last night Sasha got drunk (well, not REALLY drunk... just tipsy really) and couldn't walk straight, and lost her inhibitions completely, and nearly killed Steve and Fiona...
long story.

Miss Arron still, but I don't really wanna call him - I wanna see him. I talk to Will too much that's the problem. Phone calls are slightly tainted now.
Gonna get a banana and wheetabix in a mo.

Still pissed off at Mum (and dad), but hey.
feel like running away some times


Speak to you later

Blessed be
Lauren xx

If you loved me, you'd have killed me by now. You should know that any life this painfull is worth running from, even if it has you in it.
I'm empty, and while it's not your fault, you don't exactly help I'm afraid.

When was the last time you actualy knew how I felt?

Do you even know who I am? Hell no! Nobody has ever dug deep enough to find that out. Why would they want to?
I'm the one who's just happy no matter what, right?

Well, in my suicide note, it'll say "I was just so fucking happy, I had to do it!"
If I can get the balls to stand even more pain that is. I think it's the fear of having to live through a failed attempt that scares me. Death I can handle, it's all this fucking pain that I can't stand.

Yeah, there's no to worry about me dieing any time soon, I'm too chicken to actualy go through with it. I guess the optimist in me is still hoping everything will get better *yeah right*.

I just get the feeling no one gives a shit. It's like I could be dead, and mums first reaction would be "What a fucking mess"
Then she'd be pissed at me, because (obviously) I'd only kill myself to get out of cleaning my room. HA.
If she read through my notes and stuff before chucking it away, she might find a thing or two out about me. She might realise just how seriously messed up I am.
But enough with the ranting.

I think a large part of my death wish comes from a want to get back at my family without having to deal with the consequences. I'm so tempted to get on a train and just go. Anywhere. Just away, see if it helps.

I'm so going out soon though, clear my head.

I'm sick of doing all I can for everyone I can and no one even noticing me.
I don't want a thank you or anything, just someone to recognise how I feel.
Apparently that's too much to ask for though.

Well, I'm off.

Blessed be
Schitzatopaly yours
Lauren xx

hell yes

Sick of this!

♫ I must be dreaming ♫

Loving the frou frou ness


♪♫ I must be dreaming oh,
pinch me to wake me ♫♪



Euphoria... what a cool world.

Dunno what to do with myself.
All nervous about tests... miss arron... bored soooo bad.

Thinking of going and messin down the stream.
It's more fun with friends, and Sasha's too... far gone to do that sorta climbing lol.

I've probably not got the energy if I'm honest.


Oh well, lets stop complaining now

Loving the frou frou!!

Yes, I'm listening to Let Go by Frou Frou... she did the awesome version of hero (in shrek... the one that's played at the titles..?)

Oh ffs, just search 'Frou Frou' on youtube.

lol



I kinda feel shitty, so I'm glad I didn't go out on the town. I'd be a nightmare.
Sasha's coming back here in a few hours... which surpirses me. She must actualy like it here.
Wish I did.
I just want to spend time with steph and arron. They're so much fun...
BLAH.

I don't understand my brain at this time in the morning.
I was going to get a nice early sleep tonight... but oh well.
At least I'm in my comfy PJ's.
For some reason I'm typing as if I'm playing the piano.
It's all flowy... pretty like.

Maybe that has something to do with being sleepy. Everything either goes shitty, or really pretty.
It's because I don't think about what I'm doing, so everything just does whatever it wants to.
I just let go of it all. And this lovely light surrounds me as I drift off into the beauty. My headphones on with some fabulous music playing away, and I'm just drifting away on a cloud of ignorance.

Or is it ignorance?? because I don't feel ignorant. I just feel contented with myself for no reason.
It's as if that moment before dreaming has aleiviated all my worries. None of it matters anymore. All there is is bright happyness, that shimmers from some devine source, perhaps inside me, that I normaly don't touch.

I wish I could share this feeling, or keep it for those waking hours when I just need to feel sublime.
Maybe it's the music.
Frou Frou has this amazing way with music. It's like my dreams. There, substantial, clasic in it's own way, and yet... warped to this wonderful pattern that not everyone can see.

And there is a pattern. It slides around as if it's random, but it's so deliberate. I may have to get all her music and listen to it more often. I'm litteraly floating. It's almost as good as being with arron this feeling.
He makes me float a bit like this, only it's not as dreamy, it's far more intense.

Some people have asked me, "Do I love him?" and I reply ofcourse. But I have to wonder, is it love? And if it isn't... does it really matter??
What we have it's special to me, so it can't matter.

Can I see myself with him for a long time? I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm fantasising about it or anything. Would it crush me to loose him? I don't know. I wouldn't want to find out. lol.

I'm just starting to realise how uncomfortable this position for typing is. My arms going "SUPPORT ME!!" hehe.

I wonder... sleep?


I've got an email from Mr Cooke with details of the 'physics' barbeque... and I'm wondering if I should go or not. Technically I'm not doing physics anymore, but then, it's mr cooke's last year as teacher; and he was one of my favourites.
I can't believe he's leaving.
He doesn't seem old enough!
I guess, half of me really wants to go, but part of me knows I kinda don't like barbecue's anyway... so would there be any point?
You see, the problem is, I either don't like the food, and manage to offend who ever is cooking by not eating; or I really like the food and end up looking like a pig.

Think I'll ask Jenny and Alice if they're going, and maybe pree too... if they are, I'll consider it.
I guess I just don't want to go and everyone be like "But you don't do physics anymore, so why are YOU here??"
I hate feeling like an intruder.
I feel that way often enough you know?
I'll ask Jenny, she always gives me a straight answer.

Trying to think of a nice leaving gift to get for Mr Cooke... maybe something for his narrow boat?
A memory card?

Female teachers are easy to buy for, you get them jewlery... simple! hehe.

I'd like to do some research, and find something narrow boaty that's also physicsy... if that makes sense?
Like for Mrs White (my other fave physics teacher who left) I bought a necklace that looked a bit like the infinity loop... just a leeetle bit of physics thrown in you know?
Even if it's only something little and strange.

Maybe I could make him something from wood??
That would be so cool!
combine all three...

maybe a holder for his palmpad thingy...

I dunno.
I'm all hyperactive ideas, but I wont do anything. I'm like that. I have loads of ideas that just never materialise into anything.

I've just realised, I type nearly as fast as I talk to myself.
I kinda think it, then verbalise it in my head, then say it to myself in my head... and my fingers keep up with the last bit hehe.

I've realised that I can think without words. I just find it hard.
I automatically try to explain my thoughts to myself, to asign them words.
Strange :P

You'd think I'd be really easily understood! but nooo... maybe that's why I do it.

I don't really have progressive thoughts if I dont speak-think actualy.
I guess it doesn't give me time to annalyse the thought before it's forgotten/ dismissed.
I must therefore think very slowly in comparison to most people.
Yet I still manage to lose words when conveying my thoughts.
I hate doing that! hehe. Getting half way through a sentance and being on the next idea, before having explained the first. People get so confused! bless them!

Anyway, yeah, this is getting uncomfortable, so I'm going to go.
Or at least, submit this entry and sit back to listen to music hehe.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxx

So, nothing new to report. Still obsessively in love, still bored as hell, still got Sasha over.

Dunno why I'm even bothering to post to be honest.
Guess I'm just bored.

MWAH!

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm slinking into a depression.

Everything just sucks.

I want to cry all the fucking time.


Why can't everything just be ok?
Why can't you just hold me and make the nightmares back off for a little while??
I keep going hyper, trying to knock myself into some kind of happyness, but I just cant.

I don't know if I can cope with Sasha staying here. I really don't.
But she's my friend, and I know I'll help her through whatever I can.

I just need to be with Arron. And no matter what I do, we're always parted somehow.
It's not fair. But that's life.
The only way I'll make it fair is to change.
But can I change?

I just want it all to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.

♫"Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems..."♫

Wont someone save me? Please?

I just don't know what from.
From everything and everyone I guess.

I can ask for help all I want, but if I can't even know what help I want/need, how am I supposed to be helped??

Quote for the day:

Hooray Hooray, the first of May!
Outdoor screwing starts today!

is staying with me atm. Dunno how I feel about that...

Wish it was steph really.

We're as close as sisters at times....

I miss you so much.

It's not even been a week, yet even in my dreams I only glimpse you inside a car that's driving away from me. Is that significant do you think?

I'm aching to see you again, to just be with you. Even if I don't get to lie with you like I want to.
I'd do anything to just lie in your arms right now.
To rest my head against your chest and hear your sweet heart beat.
To feel your arm wrapped around me, protecting me from everything in the world.
You don't have to say "I love you", I can feel it in your touch. The way you hold my hand, or hug me. The way we kiss.
You're so perfect.


I've been holding back tears for days. I know that if I were just with you, everything would be better. You make life so much better just by being here.
But for now, I'll just keep holding in the tears, and bare the ills that I have. Maybe one day you'll take me away from all this. Maybe.
I wont hold my breath though.


Oh well, for now I'll love you from a distance.


All of my heart is yours

Lauren

God, right now I feel so


ever have those days?

So spiderman 3 is in the cinema soon. It looks so bad though, I'm not sure I'm even going to bother going. I can't really remember watching Spiderman 1 or 2... I think I fell asleep in them.
All the more reason to go with Arron :P

Urgh, sent him such a ghey txt thingy this morning, but I was so bored, and it was so funny at the time...

Lol, last night I bought Ben and Jerry's "Chocolate fudge brownie" (It's my fave all time icecream in the world!), so this morning I drank that... was the best chocy milkshake I've had in a looong time!
(Yeah, we were playing pool in the Black Dog, and I was stupid enough to actualy buy the icecream first... so it melted. Still tasted great though!)

Taught Sasha how to play pool yesterday. I blame how bad she is on how crap her teacher was. LOL
I swear I cannot play that game. It's a fluke if I ever pot anything (other than the 8 ball lol). She's not all that bad now actualy.
May have another game today after I've been in for general studies and she's come back from the midwife.
I need so much practice.
OOOH!! Bowling!
God I'd love to go bowling again soon. It's sooo funny when me beth and Kiran go together!
Jesus that was hilarious. Loved it.

Got ID'd for the first time yesterday (WOO).
Could have been because I asked for a spoon for my icecream...
She's like "Can I see both your ID's...?"
I'm like "Wooo!! I wanted to get ID'd on my birthday..."
She looked at me so funny!!
Bless her.
"You're not supposed to eat in here"...
nearly turned round and said "Well, technicaly, you're not supposed to be watching Corry while you're at work.."
May have gotten us kicked out for sheer cheek though.

Was half hoping we'd bump into Sarah to be honest. Black Dog used to be her little haunt...
Bumped into Marie tho! I thought she was drunk already - but she was just hyper I think. They were going to a pub quiz thingy. Was nice to see her again :D

Marie is the one who helped me with my film script (when I was actualy doing it like...)
I purposely write 'your' and 'you're' the wrong way round for her at times. hehehe

AAAaaanyway. I'm bored now, so I'm signing off.
Love you all!


Merry meet, and Merry part, and Merry Meet again!

hehe

Blessed be
Lolly xxxx

I'm a wreck this morning. Slept sooo badly.
so glad I'm not in until the afternoon, I might be a bit better by then.

I know I've pushed myself too far this past week.
Plus my period's started again :(

It's too hot aswell. Gonna get some icecream, try and cool down a bit.


I'm sick of trying to keep everybody happy. Especialy Will. I like the guy - loved him once, but that was... when I gave a fuck - you know??
I've not called Arron, because I don't want to bug him; but I kinda want to talk to him. I just have nothing to talk about.

I can't stand school. I can barely concentrate on this diary - let alone 2 hours of maths.
Maths that I can't do, because I missed the lessons due to illness.
Today I'm planing on just sitting and going through the whole text book. If something isn't familiar, I'm writting it down and then asking the teachers on wednesday.

Was going to walk there today, but I dunno if I can right now.
Maybe if I'm feeling better?



Need to do my room

Still

But I just can't be bothered.
It seems so... unnecesary.


Hmm. I'm going to stop complaining and go get icecream.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxxxxxx

I am the evanescent love you never knew;
Falling, ever fading, never knowing.
I am the everlasting heart you never loved
And never will
I am the escence of life;
Slowly dieing.
I am only me, only yours;
Only you don't know.


Lauren Bland  22/04/07 22:04  UK

Christ I was out of it last night.
WAY too much sugar.

I thought the caffine would level it out - but instead it just made me hyper and sleepy... weirdest combo ever.


Aww, I'm listenin to 'Just the two of us' by Will Smith.
Always makes me smile. I can just picture him with this little baby in his arms in wonder. ♫"You're living proof that dreams come true"♫.
It's strange, but guys always seem to connect so much more instantly to a son. 'I know not SEEMS madam'... sorry, I seem to be spouting quotes today.


Not much to report really. Mum's crap again today.
My neice is in a parade today (flag carrying).
Having broody issues. ((BABIES)) .
Strange - I really want a baby, but I don't... if that makes sense.
I guess I'm not ready for one yet.
20. 2years. Uni? hmm, dunno aymore.

Anyway, I'm off. Catchya later xxx

hehehehehe..
I scared the shit out of him!

Score!


Now he knows how I felt the other week!
But that's not why I'm all happy. We spent loadsa time together this morning, just hugging, talking... tickling.
Hmm, probably ought to appologise for biting his thumb... though it didn't seem to bother him.
Probably bad that I spent most of the rest of the day thinking about him huh?

Eugh. Those little pillocks at the bowling alley. I cant believe they drew blood.
I called the cops... I'm not sure I'm up to harming kids yet. Let alone those little twerps. I'd just end up hurting myself.
Felt stupid calling the police though. Spose it was the grown up thing to do...
Wish I'd just kicked their asses.

Kid: Oi! Fatty!! Yeah you!
Sasha: I'm pregnant dumbass...

I was so pissed off. Probably one of the reasons I managed to keep going today actualy.

Bah, my phone needs charging.
Can't be arrrrsed.

  I'm so bored though. Arron didn't come and rescue me from Crib.
Guess he's busy.

I'm sick of people telling me what our relationship SHOULD be. I LIKE what we have. It's weird to use the 'boyfriend' word though. Dunno why. It's cool at the same time.

Apparently though, if we're bf and gf we have to talk everyday, see each other as much as possible, and shit. We have lives! I'd freak out if he dropped everything for me just because of that tittle.
I'd also freak if he started calling me gorgeous. I hate guys who say that because they think it's what you want to hear.
I don't say he's the most handsom guy in the whole universe - it's not offensive - I love him ffs, why should he have to be the most gorgeous guy in existance for me to love him???
Drives me nutts.

I like down playing his looks anyway - my mates dont start chasing him that way :P
hehe.


I can't believe how not hungry I am today.
I've had some crisps, some fruit bars, a yoghurt... oh, and I just had a ham sandwhich.
I've been up since 8:30 too. Something is seriously wrong with me! lol
I didn't want chocolate. **scared**

Bought some new books today though, and a new bracelet. PRETTY!

*Yawn* kinda glad Arron didn't rescue me tonight - I'm so sleepy.


I feel like a small child though. I want to explore everything with my lips for some reason.
I can't explain it - it's as if part of me's thinking * I wonder what that feels like * and instead of using my hands, I want to use my lips.
It's like, ... trying to think of an example.... Okay, I see my scoobies, and I want to see if it feels different with my mouth...

God I'm weird.

Love it though!
At least I'm not boring.
I'm like a two tone paint job - ever changing :)

wow! This drink has more sugar than caffine in it, and there's 300mg of caffine in it. No wonder I'm woooooo...
hmm, maybe I should stop drinking it.
hehehehehe
I'm somewhere between asleep, hyper, and high as a foooking kite.

Listening to Maddonaaaa     think I should try and crash sooner than later.

And may I just say
Boobies!

Okay, now that's out of my system, I'm going to go doooodle, and maybe sleep, and maybe read, or possibly soak in the battth.
OOOhhh, bath
bathe...
bather....
bother

PACK IT IN!


Okay, I've slapped myself, I'm ok.

Jesus, I'm going before I get any worse.
Luvya!!

Blessed be
Lolllly!! xxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, so it's 9am and I'm already up... after going to bed at 2ish... so I'm not really all that 'with it'.
Multiple activities hurt my brain.

Not all of my vocabulary is working either. I keep going to say something then think - what's that word?? I now know what it's like to be thick.

Anyway. I had to get up early today so that me and mum could take my neice to a practice doodah - only now, her dad's taking her. So I could have slept through to 12pm... but noooo.
oh well.

Tim Buckley Rocks!
(just so you know)


I'm quite into this new song by Beyonce and Shakira - Beautiful Liar? Was so hyper last night I actualy copied out the lyrics and colour coded who sang what.
SAD
but hey!
I'm still listening to the song right now - it's kinda groovy. It'd be nice to have a friend who would sing it with me. I can kinda take of Shakira's voice, so it'd be cool doing karaoke. Not that anyone will have that song on karaoke yet... but hey!
I used to think the song said "It's a beautiful life!"... but it doesnt, so I feel a bit like a pillock.
*thinks*
I'm going to have to find the keyboard short cut to switch between tabs within this new version of Internet Explorer... I don't like using my mouse much. Keyboardness is easier. That way you don't have to move your hands much.

I'm in the mood to draw, but I have nothing to draw, nothing to draw with, and nothing to draw on... well, I have me, but mother might kill me.
Strange, everyone's always on about ink poisening, but seriously - who gives a fuck?


hmm, speaking of caring, I'm thinking that maybe I don't care about 'him' all that much. I mean, is it more than infactuation?? is it even that much?
I know I love him... but do I love him as in Eros love? or maybe Storge?
I don't know. It's driving me nutts.
I like him so much, but maybe it'd be better to end things?
I don't know.

I just don't get the feeling that he wants a relationship - and in all honesty I'm not sure if I'm ready for one.
Maybe this is just a reaction from not getting to talk to him, let alone see him, much of the time.
And I don't want to push him and try to be this huge part of his life if he likes the one he has without me. Maybe the age difference is actualy important?
I never thought so, but I bet that's what keeps us apart. One measily year.

Then again, we're just so different. I'm an accademic, and he's not. I the sort of person who needs reasurance every now and then - like him actualy calling or something - but he seems quite happy not to see me or speak to me for weeks... months probably.

I love just spending time with him. Not that we do that much. I mean, it'd be enough for me to stay just at holding hands and hugging sorta thing.
I know that wouldn't happen with any boyfriend though.
And I guess I wouldn't want it to never go further - I like kisses.
I guess I just feel insecure... either that or I want way more than him.
Probably the latter.

I think its one of the reasons I want to get in shape.
I don't like the way I look anymore.
I used to, but now...
Not that that's important. No. Getting in shape would be a good thing. Healthy and shit.

I mean, I just wish I was as beautifull as Sasha and Niki realy. I'm not the same sort of person though. I don't do the whole 'make up' thing.
Yeah, I like my hair to be nice - but that doesn't mean spending hours on it! Tch - you wash, maybe re-condition, then dry... I don't get the whole 'gel - hairspray - straighten' stuff. My hair goes straight if I want it to...
I love my hair though.
Especialy now my fringe has grown back out.
Might get it dead-ended soon actualy.

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking outloud.

I kinda need a shower. Didn't bother last night - as you can tell from my previous post - I wasn't in any fit state to really.
I should imagine that I'll not be able to do much today. I'm going to insist on going down the market, and hanging out with Sasha (or someone... probably sasha). Weird how I'd half kill myself for her just because she'd ask. Guess we're closer friends than I ever realised.
Mostly I don't even hesitate.
Weird.
I'd love a guy who was that dedicated to me. Heck, I'd like anyone who was that dedicated to me.
I love my friends though, so I'm not complaining.

I think that's one of the things that bugs me about my friends though, I seem to be a LOT more serious about being people's friends than they are. I mean, if one of my friends needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Heck, if they want me I'm never that long getting to them.

I miss Sarah though.
She's one of the best mates I ever had - and one of the worst too, but that's not the point.

(Jesus, it's 10am now - I've been at this for an hour. Tch, and then I wonder why I have long posts.)


I think the thing is, I want to be with my friends all the time, but not many of them even KNOW each other, let alone hang around together. I've nearly completely lost touch with my friends from school, and I've practicaly lost complete touch with Sarah.
I'd love to have a big party and invite ALL my friends. Ofcourse, I wouldn't know who to spend my time with - I tend to attach myself to one or two people... I guess I do have a bit of a clingy streak.
Then again, after what happened and everything, I'm a bit of a loner. A shut in if you will.
I suppose it's my own fault, but I never forsaw any of this. I find myself wondering if I'd be a lot different if I'd gone to St Hughs with Tony and Arron and Kayleigh and Steph... you know, stayed with them sorta thing. Would we have spent all our time together and now be the closest friends in the world?
Would we have drifted apart anyway?

I mean, I wouldn't give up Beth, and Kiran, and Sarah, and Sasha, and Lucy for anything. They've been the best.
I just wonder. If I hadn't been so focused on my studies...

I mean, they'd come call for me, and I'd be doing homework. Then slowly, they stopped calling for me.
*cringe* maybe they thought I'd changed. God, I hope I didn't give them the impression I thought I was better than them. That wasn't it at all. I wanted to be with them... it was just... they never had homework, and I had trouble enough trying to fit in. I wasn't going to give the teachers a reason to get on my case too.
I've always hated school. Since primary school. I was picked on so badly all the way through school- it's no wonder I'm paranoid and think everyone's making fun of me behind my back.

I don't know why, but I used to really look forwards to University, but after the let down of KGGS, I guess I couldn't go through it again.
It's not like Uni is this paradise for intelectuals. I'm not that niave anymore. I know it's basicaly a place for pissheads and lazy buggers who don't want to get a job, dotted with some decent people actualy focused on their studies. It's just... I'm not good at making new friends. I'm kinda different, and not only that, I've pretty much lost my social skills. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm rude for some reason. I'm just not that good at interacting with people.
I try, and then somehow fail.
Mind you, I'm always with people who have hardly anything in common with me.

Nobody seems to be on my level really.
That's not meant as rude or anything! No no no. I'm just too weird to fit in with anyone else.
I'm the sort of person who doesn't fit with the goof-offs, because goofing off bores me after a while. I need inteligent conversation... but I don't fit in with the intelects because I don't want to be serious all the fucking time!
But the people in the middle that I know are all... into stuff I can't stand.
Either computers (to an excessive degree that even I can see is unhealthy) or clubbing, or some form of hobby.

I've made a list of the perfect guys qualities last night (sort of)
My perfect guy would be:


actualy, arrons just arrived.

I'll finsih that thought soon


Blessed be
Lauren xxxxx