Loving the frou frou!!

Yes, I'm listening to Let Go by Frou Frou... she did the awesome version of hero (in shrek... the one that's played at the titles..?)

Oh ffs, just search 'Frou Frou' on youtube.

lol



I kinda feel shitty, so I'm glad I didn't go out on the town. I'd be a nightmare.
Sasha's coming back here in a few hours... which surpirses me. She must actualy like it here.
Wish I did.
I just want to spend time with steph and arron. They're so much fun...
BLAH.

I don't understand my brain at this time in the morning.
I was going to get a nice early sleep tonight... but oh well.
At least I'm in my comfy PJ's.
For some reason I'm typing as if I'm playing the piano.
It's all flowy... pretty like.

Maybe that has something to do with being sleepy. Everything either goes shitty, or really pretty.
It's because I don't think about what I'm doing, so everything just does whatever it wants to.
I just let go of it all. And this lovely light surrounds me as I drift off into the beauty. My headphones on with some fabulous music playing away, and I'm just drifting away on a cloud of ignorance.

Or is it ignorance?? because I don't feel ignorant. I just feel contented with myself for no reason.
It's as if that moment before dreaming has aleiviated all my worries. None of it matters anymore. All there is is bright happyness, that shimmers from some devine source, perhaps inside me, that I normaly don't touch.

I wish I could share this feeling, or keep it for those waking hours when I just need to feel sublime.
Maybe it's the music.
Frou Frou has this amazing way with music. It's like my dreams. There, substantial, clasic in it's own way, and yet... warped to this wonderful pattern that not everyone can see.

And there is a pattern. It slides around as if it's random, but it's so deliberate. I may have to get all her music and listen to it more often. I'm litteraly floating. It's almost as good as being with arron this feeling.
He makes me float a bit like this, only it's not as dreamy, it's far more intense.

Some people have asked me, "Do I love him?" and I reply ofcourse. But I have to wonder, is it love? And if it isn't... does it really matter??
What we have it's special to me, so it can't matter.

Can I see myself with him for a long time? I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm fantasising about it or anything. Would it crush me to loose him? I don't know. I wouldn't want to find out. lol.

I'm just starting to realise how uncomfortable this position for typing is. My arms going "SUPPORT ME!!" hehe.

I wonder... sleep?


I've got an email from Mr Cooke with details of the 'physics' barbeque... and I'm wondering if I should go or not. Technically I'm not doing physics anymore, but then, it's mr cooke's last year as teacher; and he was one of my favourites.
I can't believe he's leaving.
He doesn't seem old enough!
I guess, half of me really wants to go, but part of me knows I kinda don't like barbecue's anyway... so would there be any point?
You see, the problem is, I either don't like the food, and manage to offend who ever is cooking by not eating; or I really like the food and end up looking like a pig.

Think I'll ask Jenny and Alice if they're going, and maybe pree too... if they are, I'll consider it.
I guess I just don't want to go and everyone be like "But you don't do physics anymore, so why are YOU here??"
I hate feeling like an intruder.
I feel that way often enough you know?
I'll ask Jenny, she always gives me a straight answer.

Trying to think of a nice leaving gift to get for Mr Cooke... maybe something for his narrow boat?
A memory card?

Female teachers are easy to buy for, you get them jewlery... simple! hehe.

I'd like to do some research, and find something narrow boaty that's also physicsy... if that makes sense?
Like for Mrs White (my other fave physics teacher who left) I bought a necklace that looked a bit like the infinity loop... just a leeetle bit of physics thrown in you know?
Even if it's only something little and strange.

Maybe I could make him something from wood??
That would be so cool!
combine all three...

maybe a holder for his palmpad thingy...

I dunno.
I'm all hyperactive ideas, but I wont do anything. I'm like that. I have loads of ideas that just never materialise into anything.

I've just realised, I type nearly as fast as I talk to myself.
I kinda think it, then verbalise it in my head, then say it to myself in my head... and my fingers keep up with the last bit hehe.

I've realised that I can think without words. I just find it hard.
I automatically try to explain my thoughts to myself, to asign them words.
Strange :P

You'd think I'd be really easily understood! but nooo... maybe that's why I do it.

I don't really have progressive thoughts if I dont speak-think actualy.
I guess it doesn't give me time to annalyse the thought before it's forgotten/ dismissed.
I must therefore think very slowly in comparison to most people.
Yet I still manage to lose words when conveying my thoughts.
I hate doing that! hehe. Getting half way through a sentance and being on the next idea, before having explained the first. People get so confused! bless them!

Anyway, yeah, this is getting uncomfortable, so I'm going to go.
Or at least, submit this entry and sit back to listen to music hehe.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxx

So, nothing new to report. Still obsessively in love, still bored as hell, still got Sasha over.

Dunno why I'm even bothering to post to be honest.
Guess I'm just bored.

MWAH!

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm slinking into a depression.

Everything just sucks.

I want to cry all the fucking time.


Why can't everything just be ok?
Why can't you just hold me and make the nightmares back off for a little while??
I keep going hyper, trying to knock myself into some kind of happyness, but I just cant.

I don't know if I can cope with Sasha staying here. I really don't.
But she's my friend, and I know I'll help her through whatever I can.

I just need to be with Arron. And no matter what I do, we're always parted somehow.
It's not fair. But that's life.
The only way I'll make it fair is to change.
But can I change?

I just want it all to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.

♫"Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems..."♫

Wont someone save me? Please?

I just don't know what from.
From everything and everyone I guess.

I can ask for help all I want, but if I can't even know what help I want/need, how am I supposed to be helped??

Quote for the day:

Hooray Hooray, the first of May!
Outdoor screwing starts today!

is staying with me atm. Dunno how I feel about that...

Wish it was steph really.

We're as close as sisters at times....

I miss you so much.

It's not even been a week, yet even in my dreams I only glimpse you inside a car that's driving away from me. Is that significant do you think?

I'm aching to see you again, to just be with you. Even if I don't get to lie with you like I want to.
I'd do anything to just lie in your arms right now.
To rest my head against your chest and hear your sweet heart beat.
To feel your arm wrapped around me, protecting me from everything in the world.
You don't have to say "I love you", I can feel it in your touch. The way you hold my hand, or hug me. The way we kiss.
You're so perfect.


I've been holding back tears for days. I know that if I were just with you, everything would be better. You make life so much better just by being here.
But for now, I'll just keep holding in the tears, and bare the ills that I have. Maybe one day you'll take me away from all this. Maybe.
I wont hold my breath though.


Oh well, for now I'll love you from a distance.


All of my heart is yours

Lauren

God, right now I feel so


ever have those days?

So spiderman 3 is in the cinema soon. It looks so bad though, I'm not sure I'm even going to bother going. I can't really remember watching Spiderman 1 or 2... I think I fell asleep in them.
All the more reason to go with Arron :P

Urgh, sent him such a ghey txt thingy this morning, but I was so bored, and it was so funny at the time...

Lol, last night I bought Ben and Jerry's "Chocolate fudge brownie" (It's my fave all time icecream in the world!), so this morning I drank that... was the best chocy milkshake I've had in a looong time!
(Yeah, we were playing pool in the Black Dog, and I was stupid enough to actualy buy the icecream first... so it melted. Still tasted great though!)

Taught Sasha how to play pool yesterday. I blame how bad she is on how crap her teacher was. LOL
I swear I cannot play that game. It's a fluke if I ever pot anything (other than the 8 ball lol). She's not all that bad now actualy.
May have another game today after I've been in for general studies and she's come back from the midwife.
I need so much practice.
OOOH!! Bowling!
God I'd love to go bowling again soon. It's sooo funny when me beth and Kiran go together!
Jesus that was hilarious. Loved it.

Got ID'd for the first time yesterday (WOO).
Could have been because I asked for a spoon for my icecream...
She's like "Can I see both your ID's...?"
I'm like "Wooo!! I wanted to get ID'd on my birthday..."
She looked at me so funny!!
Bless her.
"You're not supposed to eat in here"...
nearly turned round and said "Well, technicaly, you're not supposed to be watching Corry while you're at work.."
May have gotten us kicked out for sheer cheek though.

Was half hoping we'd bump into Sarah to be honest. Black Dog used to be her little haunt...
Bumped into Marie tho! I thought she was drunk already - but she was just hyper I think. They were going to a pub quiz thingy. Was nice to see her again :D

Marie is the one who helped me with my film script (when I was actualy doing it like...)
I purposely write 'your' and 'you're' the wrong way round for her at times. hehehe

AAAaaanyway. I'm bored now, so I'm signing off.
Love you all!


Merry meet, and Merry part, and Merry Meet again!

hehe

Blessed be
Lolly xxxx

I'm a wreck this morning. Slept sooo badly.
so glad I'm not in until the afternoon, I might be a bit better by then.

I know I've pushed myself too far this past week.
Plus my period's started again :(

It's too hot aswell. Gonna get some icecream, try and cool down a bit.


I'm sick of trying to keep everybody happy. Especialy Will. I like the guy - loved him once, but that was... when I gave a fuck - you know??
I've not called Arron, because I don't want to bug him; but I kinda want to talk to him. I just have nothing to talk about.

I can't stand school. I can barely concentrate on this diary - let alone 2 hours of maths.
Maths that I can't do, because I missed the lessons due to illness.
Today I'm planing on just sitting and going through the whole text book. If something isn't familiar, I'm writting it down and then asking the teachers on wednesday.

Was going to walk there today, but I dunno if I can right now.
Maybe if I'm feeling better?



Need to do my room

Still

But I just can't be bothered.
It seems so... unnecesary.


Hmm. I'm going to stop complaining and go get icecream.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxxxxxx

I am the evanescent love you never knew;
Falling, ever fading, never knowing.
I am the everlasting heart you never loved
And never will
I am the escence of life;
Slowly dieing.
I am only me, only yours;
Only you don't know.


Lauren Bland  22/04/07 22:04  UK

Christ I was out of it last night.
WAY too much sugar.

I thought the caffine would level it out - but instead it just made me hyper and sleepy... weirdest combo ever.


Aww, I'm listenin to 'Just the two of us' by Will Smith.
Always makes me smile. I can just picture him with this little baby in his arms in wonder. ♫"You're living proof that dreams come true"♫.
It's strange, but guys always seem to connect so much more instantly to a son. 'I know not SEEMS madam'... sorry, I seem to be spouting quotes today.


Not much to report really. Mum's crap again today.
My neice is in a parade today (flag carrying).
Having broody issues. ((BABIES)) .
Strange - I really want a baby, but I don't... if that makes sense.
I guess I'm not ready for one yet.
20. 2years. Uni? hmm, dunno aymore.

Anyway, I'm off. Catchya later xxx

hehehehehe..
I scared the shit out of him!

Score!


Now he knows how I felt the other week!
But that's not why I'm all happy. We spent loadsa time together this morning, just hugging, talking... tickling.
Hmm, probably ought to appologise for biting his thumb... though it didn't seem to bother him.
Probably bad that I spent most of the rest of the day thinking about him huh?

Eugh. Those little pillocks at the bowling alley. I cant believe they drew blood.
I called the cops... I'm not sure I'm up to harming kids yet. Let alone those little twerps. I'd just end up hurting myself.
Felt stupid calling the police though. Spose it was the grown up thing to do...
Wish I'd just kicked their asses.

Kid: Oi! Fatty!! Yeah you!
Sasha: I'm pregnant dumbass...

I was so pissed off. Probably one of the reasons I managed to keep going today actualy.

Bah, my phone needs charging.
Can't be arrrrsed.

  I'm so bored though. Arron didn't come and rescue me from Crib.
Guess he's busy.

I'm sick of people telling me what our relationship SHOULD be. I LIKE what we have. It's weird to use the 'boyfriend' word though. Dunno why. It's cool at the same time.

Apparently though, if we're bf and gf we have to talk everyday, see each other as much as possible, and shit. We have lives! I'd freak out if he dropped everything for me just because of that tittle.
I'd also freak if he started calling me gorgeous. I hate guys who say that because they think it's what you want to hear.
I don't say he's the most handsom guy in the whole universe - it's not offensive - I love him ffs, why should he have to be the most gorgeous guy in existance for me to love him???
Drives me nutts.

I like down playing his looks anyway - my mates dont start chasing him that way :P
hehe.


I can't believe how not hungry I am today.
I've had some crisps, some fruit bars, a yoghurt... oh, and I just had a ham sandwhich.
I've been up since 8:30 too. Something is seriously wrong with me! lol
I didn't want chocolate. **scared**

Bought some new books today though, and a new bracelet. PRETTY!

*Yawn* kinda glad Arron didn't rescue me tonight - I'm so sleepy.


I feel like a small child though. I want to explore everything with my lips for some reason.
I can't explain it - it's as if part of me's thinking * I wonder what that feels like * and instead of using my hands, I want to use my lips.
It's like, ... trying to think of an example.... Okay, I see my scoobies, and I want to see if it feels different with my mouth...

God I'm weird.

Love it though!
At least I'm not boring.
I'm like a two tone paint job - ever changing :)

wow! This drink has more sugar than caffine in it, and there's 300mg of caffine in it. No wonder I'm woooooo...
hmm, maybe I should stop drinking it.
hehehehehe
I'm somewhere between asleep, hyper, and high as a foooking kite.

Listening to Maddonaaaa     think I should try and crash sooner than later.

And may I just say
Boobies!

Okay, now that's out of my system, I'm going to go doooodle, and maybe sleep, and maybe read, or possibly soak in the battth.
OOOhhh, bath
bathe...
bather....
bother

PACK IT IN!


Okay, I've slapped myself, I'm ok.

Jesus, I'm going before I get any worse.
Luvya!!

Blessed be
Lolllly!! xxxxxxxxxxx

Okay, so it's 9am and I'm already up... after going to bed at 2ish... so I'm not really all that 'with it'.
Multiple activities hurt my brain.

Not all of my vocabulary is working either. I keep going to say something then think - what's that word?? I now know what it's like to be thick.

Anyway. I had to get up early today so that me and mum could take my neice to a practice doodah - only now, her dad's taking her. So I could have slept through to 12pm... but noooo.
oh well.

Tim Buckley Rocks!
(just so you know)


I'm quite into this new song by Beyonce and Shakira - Beautiful Liar? Was so hyper last night I actualy copied out the lyrics and colour coded who sang what.
SAD
but hey!
I'm still listening to the song right now - it's kinda groovy. It'd be nice to have a friend who would sing it with me. I can kinda take of Shakira's voice, so it'd be cool doing karaoke. Not that anyone will have that song on karaoke yet... but hey!
I used to think the song said "It's a beautiful life!"... but it doesnt, so I feel a bit like a pillock.
*thinks*
I'm going to have to find the keyboard short cut to switch between tabs within this new version of Internet Explorer... I don't like using my mouse much. Keyboardness is easier. That way you don't have to move your hands much.

I'm in the mood to draw, but I have nothing to draw, nothing to draw with, and nothing to draw on... well, I have me, but mother might kill me.
Strange, everyone's always on about ink poisening, but seriously - who gives a fuck?


hmm, speaking of caring, I'm thinking that maybe I don't care about 'him' all that much. I mean, is it more than infactuation?? is it even that much?
I know I love him... but do I love him as in Eros love? or maybe Storge?
I don't know. It's driving me nutts.
I like him so much, but maybe it'd be better to end things?
I don't know.

I just don't get the feeling that he wants a relationship - and in all honesty I'm not sure if I'm ready for one.
Maybe this is just a reaction from not getting to talk to him, let alone see him, much of the time.
And I don't want to push him and try to be this huge part of his life if he likes the one he has without me. Maybe the age difference is actualy important?
I never thought so, but I bet that's what keeps us apart. One measily year.

Then again, we're just so different. I'm an accademic, and he's not. I the sort of person who needs reasurance every now and then - like him actualy calling or something - but he seems quite happy not to see me or speak to me for weeks... months probably.

I love just spending time with him. Not that we do that much. I mean, it'd be enough for me to stay just at holding hands and hugging sorta thing.
I know that wouldn't happen with any boyfriend though.
And I guess I wouldn't want it to never go further - I like kisses.
I guess I just feel insecure... either that or I want way more than him.
Probably the latter.

I think its one of the reasons I want to get in shape.
I don't like the way I look anymore.
I used to, but now...
Not that that's important. No. Getting in shape would be a good thing. Healthy and shit.

I mean, I just wish I was as beautifull as Sasha and Niki realy. I'm not the same sort of person though. I don't do the whole 'make up' thing.
Yeah, I like my hair to be nice - but that doesn't mean spending hours on it! Tch - you wash, maybe re-condition, then dry... I don't get the whole 'gel - hairspray - straighten' stuff. My hair goes straight if I want it to...
I love my hair though.
Especialy now my fringe has grown back out.
Might get it dead-ended soon actualy.

Don't mind me, I'm just thinking outloud.

I kinda need a shower. Didn't bother last night - as you can tell from my previous post - I wasn't in any fit state to really.
I should imagine that I'll not be able to do much today. I'm going to insist on going down the market, and hanging out with Sasha (or someone... probably sasha). Weird how I'd half kill myself for her just because she'd ask. Guess we're closer friends than I ever realised.
Mostly I don't even hesitate.
Weird.
I'd love a guy who was that dedicated to me. Heck, I'd like anyone who was that dedicated to me.
I love my friends though, so I'm not complaining.

I think that's one of the things that bugs me about my friends though, I seem to be a LOT more serious about being people's friends than they are. I mean, if one of my friends needed me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Heck, if they want me I'm never that long getting to them.

I miss Sarah though.
She's one of the best mates I ever had - and one of the worst too, but that's not the point.

(Jesus, it's 10am now - I've been at this for an hour. Tch, and then I wonder why I have long posts.)


I think the thing is, I want to be with my friends all the time, but not many of them even KNOW each other, let alone hang around together. I've nearly completely lost touch with my friends from school, and I've practicaly lost complete touch with Sarah.
I'd love to have a big party and invite ALL my friends. Ofcourse, I wouldn't know who to spend my time with - I tend to attach myself to one or two people... I guess I do have a bit of a clingy streak.
Then again, after what happened and everything, I'm a bit of a loner. A shut in if you will.
I suppose it's my own fault, but I never forsaw any of this. I find myself wondering if I'd be a lot different if I'd gone to St Hughs with Tony and Arron and Kayleigh and Steph... you know, stayed with them sorta thing. Would we have spent all our time together and now be the closest friends in the world?
Would we have drifted apart anyway?

I mean, I wouldn't give up Beth, and Kiran, and Sarah, and Sasha, and Lucy for anything. They've been the best.
I just wonder. If I hadn't been so focused on my studies...

I mean, they'd come call for me, and I'd be doing homework. Then slowly, they stopped calling for me.
*cringe* maybe they thought I'd changed. God, I hope I didn't give them the impression I thought I was better than them. That wasn't it at all. I wanted to be with them... it was just... they never had homework, and I had trouble enough trying to fit in. I wasn't going to give the teachers a reason to get on my case too.
I've always hated school. Since primary school. I was picked on so badly all the way through school- it's no wonder I'm paranoid and think everyone's making fun of me behind my back.

I don't know why, but I used to really look forwards to University, but after the let down of KGGS, I guess I couldn't go through it again.
It's not like Uni is this paradise for intelectuals. I'm not that niave anymore. I know it's basicaly a place for pissheads and lazy buggers who don't want to get a job, dotted with some decent people actualy focused on their studies. It's just... I'm not good at making new friends. I'm kinda different, and not only that, I've pretty much lost my social skills. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks I'm rude for some reason. I'm just not that good at interacting with people.
I try, and then somehow fail.
Mind you, I'm always with people who have hardly anything in common with me.

Nobody seems to be on my level really.
That's not meant as rude or anything! No no no. I'm just too weird to fit in with anyone else.
I'm the sort of person who doesn't fit with the goof-offs, because goofing off bores me after a while. I need inteligent conversation... but I don't fit in with the intelects because I don't want to be serious all the fucking time!
But the people in the middle that I know are all... into stuff I can't stand.
Either computers (to an excessive degree that even I can see is unhealthy) or clubbing, or some form of hobby.

I've made a list of the perfect guys qualities last night (sort of)
My perfect guy would be:


actualy, arrons just arrived.

I'll finsih that thought soon


Blessed be
Lauren xxxxx

I'm still feeling kinda weird.
SOOO happy that the pregy test was negative. I hadn't realised how stressed I was getting about that. Of course, I was kinda evil and sent a message to my boyfriends saying that I'd taken the test, but not telling him the result.
See how he likes being nervous eh?

I do feel kinda sick atm, but that's probably because it's 1am and I'm knackered. Found a cool tattoo design that I'm going to try out on Sasha sometime in the near future. I see it as an angel - not that anyone else would. It's one of those abstract line drawings.
I think it'll look awesome as a lower back sort of design - may tweek it a bit, I'm not all that happy with how wide it is.
May play with it tomorow... I really like doing them. Like today, we went into town ((I GOT MY EMA)) and we ended up sat on a bench eating chips, and I end up doodling on myself where the split in my top is.
I think it looks quite cool personaly - bit messy cause my pen was crap - but in the light most people thought it was a tattoo - weirdo's like!

I guess I just like working on skin - it's more fun. 3D objects are way more fun.
Plus I just like skin.
Massaging, drawing, painting, applying make up... it's just - interesting I guess.

I think I've just realised why I'm still awake!
I'm drinking "Iron Brew 'Boost'", an energy drink with loadsa caffine in it.
I'm gonna be sick if I keep drinking it - I bet ya.
Best stop drinking it if I want to get up at 8 in the morning!
Bah, only 6 hours sleep that way.
I could actualy happily stay up for another few hours.
Sheesh, shouldn't have drunk the whole litre.
Oh well.

Did you know there are 31557700 seconds in a year? yeah... I worked that out for some reason.
It's (60 x 60 x 24 x 365) + (60 x 60 x 6). You have to add on the quarter year (leap years and stuff)... ofcourse, if you use a calculator and come up with a different answer, please let me know.
I scribbled it down on paper and may have done it wrong. Knowing me lol.
I've been thinking too. Base sixty is time... but how does it help to work in it? After hours it's no longer relevant.
I'm not sure. I'll work round it :) don't worry.

I'm still getting my head round binary - I'm pretty sure I can get it down pat without having to slowly calculate it all eventualy if I just keep at it.


Found out I have a sensitivity to light now. It's driving me mad, but I'm determind to build up a resistance to it!
Squinting is annoying.

I'm also determind to loose this spare tyre by next year - or atleast a little bit.
Fingers crossed I'll get one of the bikes fixed up soon. Plus I know I'm pushing myself alot with my exhastion levels. Walking mostly, but also keeping awake. Just trying to keep going when it feels like I cant.
Like right now, I can feel it in my whole body. The only thing I'm moving is my fingers across this keyboard, and yet it feels like this enormous strain.
Actualy, the weird thing is, parts of my body are asleep and feel like they're floating.
I'm that tired, but the caffine is making me buzz.
Everything seems to have tilted, but I know it hasn't.
It's strange - like when I'm in a dream, only not.

My body doesn't feel like it's connected together. Different peices are doing different stuff, but not doing anything.
I'm so dizzy from it!
Yet, at the same time it's kinda fun!

The world has tilted, and as I struggle to keep upright, I find myself grasping for the thought of you.
Like a life raft, it keeps me afloat in the confusion.
I can't tell which way is up, but knowing you're there makes it ok. Knowing which way is up doesn't matter when I know you're here. I know you wouldn't let me drown in this chaos.

Hmm, I dunno. Dad's practically sending me to bed.
Crap, climbing the ladder into bed is gonna be hilarious tonight!
Then starring at the ceiling while my body looses it's equilibrium and my wanders.
It's a lot more fun that it sounds. You should try it sometime if you don't believe me!

Met Graham for the first time today. He seems nice.
He's funny atleast, and kinda smart- okay, not VERY... but still!
He's pretty into Sasha if you ask me.

Enough of that though, I'm having trouble staying up right, and the keyboard feels like it's going to slide off the desk soon - so I'm going to stagger to bed and giggle at my lack of balance - or be amazed at my ability to stay upright.
Either way, lots of fun.

Love you
(W'HAY!! NOT PREGNANT!!!!)

Blessed be
Lauren xxxxx

Listening to classical music at the moment. It's calming me down somewhat.

I don't know why I'm so frustrated and heated. My face is flushed - I can feel the heat radiating from my cheeks and neck. It reminds me of sitting a little too close to an open fire.

Ofcourse, thinking of fires reminds me instantly of the two fires Geoff had lately, stoking them, poking them into life, wafting the embers into flames, then sitting back with everyone.
I remember just how I was sat the last time. Legs half folded under me, my bum on the grass and mud next to Arron's chair. My head inclined to the left, resting on his leg. My left arm wrapped around his right leg, and his right arm draped across my shoulders.
That mesmeric fire has somehow burnt the image into my mind. The smell of burning wood mingling with the gentler scent of cigaretts being smoked; the day being eaten by the flames. The already warm day feeling cool on my back, while my face is warmed by the fire.
I could have sat like that forever with him. So relaxed, so comfortable. Somehow it was just enough to be with each other.

Like when we lay next to each other in the door way, both facing completely opposite ways. Me on my stomach and him on his side; just to be touching hands seemed to make it all the more intimate. The fact that we can be so easily contented means alot to me.

Today I spent most of my time with Sasha. We walked into town so she could sign on, and I used my last Boots voucher so we could have something to drink.
I feel like I've eaten so much today!
We ended up layed on the grass outside the bowling alley, singing random clips of songs, and me making daisy chains. The sun was glorious, making me feel all sunshine girl like. I'm starting to feel better **Thank the Goddess** and I personaly think it's to do with getting out and about. I mean, seeing Arron again did me a world of good - and seeing Steph... spending time with TJ and Kayleigh too. For some reason, even after all this time, they manage to make me feel so much better.

Mum has an MRI scan tomorrow. I think I'll be going with her, just to make sure she's ok. Unless she wants dad to go with her instead.
Might actualy get to see Arron too. He's doing a course thing at the moment, which, to be honest, he sounds stressed about. It takes up a couple of days a week - but it's not as taxing as work I guess.
Speaking of work, I'm going to have to do my Maths work soon, or I'll be shishkebabed at my next lesson. Mrs Armstrong ... *sigh* ... too much work there.
I only actualy go in for one hour this friday - which is cool - but then it's back to the new schedule.
I miss English already. I don't know what I'll do next year when everyone is a year younger than me and I've done half the course already.
I'm trying not to think about that to be honest.

I'm probably over reacting and everything, but it feels so wrong to be repeating the year. I know I'm ill and everything, but it still feels like I just didn't try hard enough.

I don't know what to do about Will either.
I laid it on too thick the last week or two - mostly because I was lonely. Arron and Sasha both seemed to have left me, and Will was there constantly wanting to talk to me. I guess whatever I've done will need undoing soon. I got my head together so much more when the internet was down.

I think I'm going to start trying not to use the internet more than four times a week from now on. It's not neccesary and it just takes away from my time with the people I actualy have in life.
Plus I need to finish my god damn room.

Not to mention my Math!
Why is that always the last thing on my mind??
Oh well, it wont be for long.


As I said earlier, I'm burning up. It's creeping down my arms now, and my torso. I think I'll go for a bath or something - maybe just straight to bed.
I've been drawing on myself again today. Re-did the cool one on my knee, and now need to scrub this terrible one off my arm - and another off my chest.
I don't know why I do this when I get bored. It's like I need to draw something, and since I have no paper, I just scribble on myself. Some of it's actualy quite good. Some of it's shite.
Same story with my creative writing.

I found a bunch of my old poems, stories, and descriptive writtings when I was clearing out my room. Some of it is from when I was like 8... such terrible storylines, and worded in such a way that I'm not sure anyone can understand them - even me.
I think my style has grown over the years (thankfully), and my vocabulary now ranges far past 'good' and 'she said, he said, she said'...
*giggles* awww, some of it was so naive.
Some of it had good(ish) ideas. Kept them all! I love to watch how my writting changes over the years.

Mind you, looking over this diary, my writting style changes through out the day!
bur am i boverd?
haha - jesus! I can't believe myself sometimes.
The idoicy.

Now I'm going to leave you and return sometime soon. I can't seem to leave this diary for all that long.
Peace and Love to you, who ever you are.

Blessed be
Lauren xxxx

I swear this pain is heart break. I miss him that much.
Maybe I'm crazy.

I'm listening to 'Crazy for you' by Madonna at the moment, which probably isn't helping.
I want to call, but I wouldn't know what to say.
Is it enough to just want to hear your voice?

*sigh* my not so secret obsession.

I didn't even say "I love you"...
My god, I'm that wordless around you.
Fucking hell woman - get a grip!!



Apparently I have to just let this 'crush' run its course...
Hmm... when I fall inlove, I fall head over feet. I hope I don't land on my ass again.
That always sucks.




Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now and say blessed be

Lolly xxxx

I just want to cry. I can't though for some reason. I just sit here lathargic and upset.

Everything's just fucked.

I think it's probably just my fate. Everythings to be fucked up and crap.

There I go again though - being self centered and thinking everything is about me.

None of this is to do with me except the stuff I've personaly fucked up. The rest just feels like I should be responsible. Maybe life would be easier if it were my fault.


I just need to get away. I need someone to cry with - not hide the tears within my fears and cram them further inside me. I wish I could let it out - but I know I wont. I'm too used to dealing with it. Everything may be too much, but atleast I cope. Sort of.



I'm off anyway.
Maybe today I'll feel better.
Maybe.


blessed be
Lauren xxxxxx

Been spending more time out of the house. Doing over exerting things, but it makes me feel so much better.
I know that when I feel this crap it's stupid to even ATTEMPT to pick up an axe, but hey! Chopping stuff up is fun!! And I love spending so much time with Tony and Arron again. A huge double dose of spending time with them does me so much good!

Yesterday Steph and Kayliegh were there too (sorry, Steph and 'Bob'.... long story, I'll explain some other time) and I said - wow!!!  It'd been 7 years since we were all together in that yard, hanging out. We've all changed so much... yet haven't at all at the same time. I think the age differences are a bit more obvious now... you know - the older of us are much ruder and dirty minded.
Still, it was great!

I'm still on a bit of a high.

Last night I had so many different dreams (Couldn't sleep all that well) and one of them was awesome!!
We'd gone to this club... and it was as if Steph and me could swim through the air. It was sooo much fun. So free. Plus Aza and TJ were there and we were hanging out now and then, and I think Bob was too... but the thing I can remember most is flying about above everybody's heads. Pushing off from walls, swinging round decorations... flying with one of my best friends (still!) in the whole world.

Speaking of best friends... (juicy gossip coming up) I saw Sarah in town yesterday - holding hands with some cute guy - I KNOW!!! She didn't even see me.
Love struck!
hehe, that's my gossip for the month :P

I feel so good today. I can hardly believe it! After these months of feeling just so weak, being able to weild an axe with more umph than the guys... god that felt good.
I think I just got the method a lot better - but I also had so much frustration to get out.
I feel a bit stupid really though. I'd spent nearly 2 weeks online getting upset at Arron for not coming round, when all the time I could have just gone and found him - like I did when the internet went down.
Helped that he picked up his phone to be honest...

After the whole 'Will' thing, it was so nice to JUST hug, and hold hands. Just be with each other I guess, actualy doing something, then flake out toghether too.
Wish I could cheer TJ up though. The girl he's nearly gf with is upset about something... think she's depressed - but that's just a guess - and he's taking it hard. In a bad mood, constantly trying to cheer her up.
*sigh* not my bussiness I suppose.

It's strange you know.
I'm just thinking now... I tried to do some shoveling and nearly passed out from the exertion, yet axe weilding didn't really bother me... Maybe I'm an axe weilding murderer at heart? lol!!

Been for my scan thingy - going to make an appointment soon to get the results. The woman doing the scan didn't look worried though... mind you, she did seem to have a good poker face...
She scanned so much - I'm sure she got my whole insides!
From right down bellow my knicker line, to right under my bra, then round my back too! Sheesh, he really wanted to be thorough!

I don't think I have PSO anymore. I don't know why - I just don't.

Hoping that it's just that viral stuff and I'm getting over it. Fingers crossed.

I've been trying to exercise a bit aswell - see if I can get in shape and stuff. Only problem is, I can't do sit ups or push ups (as I found recently) because they give me terrible headaches.
So I've been doing stuff that doesn't require my head to move too much hehe. (Like using and axe... I actualy scared some people with how well I broke stuff up)


I'm wondering now how fit I actualy am. I know my BMI is crappy - and my stamina is virtualy nill atm... but still.
I think I have potential to be fit and healthy if I just put in a bit more effort.

Still need to finish my room. I think it's on the brink of defeating me though.
That's right - I started tidying it... and haven't quite finished it.
Need to take my clean washing back up to my room too.
Bah, not to mention the homework I'm now behind on.

Jeeze, and the scroll I'm writing.
Christ my list is longer than I thought!


My finger itches like crazy - stupid stinging nettles.
It's made my finger the wrong shape and colour... oh well, serves me right I guess.

Anyway, it's now 10am, so I'm going to leave you lovelies and get started on my todo list.

Love ya!
Blessed Be
Lauren xxxxxxx

I lay here,
Shiney and broken,
Sullen, unwoken
By the voices
Telling me I'll survive
I'm still alive.
You left me
My door still open
A silent token
Of my love;
The flame still burning
With my yearning.
And here I'll stay,
Forever learning,
Never turning
Away from you,
My heart unbending
Never mending,
My pain unending -
All for you.