I'm so tired all the time now. I guess I did too much yesterday - it put me back a fair ways - was nearly throwing up again 2day. Slept on the sofa for a while, but I still feel like shit. I made a doctors appointment, and I'm really hoping they'll just say - you've got a cold, deal with it. I don't know what I'll do if i'm proper ill. I hate not being myself - I just feel so god damned drained, and the pain levels are getting to me.
OOOH - I just remembered something from tuesday night though. Halloween kinda rocked. We had this huge massive party, where everything was spooky/ gorey, and it rocked so hard. I was in my kick ass boots, a tattered skirt and my wings (yes I had a top on too - u dirty people). Anyway, the thing I just remembered is these kids like to be chased on halloween around our area, so usualy some of the guys in scary costumes chase them - but they were like, dead on their feet, so I chased them. Obviously, I come back, sit with my friends, and the come askin for me to chase them again. Well, I couldn't be arsed, so I walked out the door, the kid ran, and I threw this little plastic sword I'd been messing with.
Now, I can't throw daggers properly, they normally just fall where ever they want, and don't go very far - let alone come anywhere near the person I'm aiming at.
Well! I step out the door and hurl this sword at them - my god, I missed him by an inch! It hit the tree behind him as he ran, and I swear it would have left a bruise if it had made contact. It was the best throw ever!! ((for me)) I stomped my foot and complained loudly that I'd missed the bugger - but I was so amazed how well I'd thrown that thing! Must have just been pissed off at him or something - have to try that again sometime :D
aaanyway - I'm knakered, and I think I'm going to go sleep, or watch a film, or something. Haven't done my homework yet - and that coursework is in soon - shit! oh well - don't really care anymore.
Let joy be yours
My blessings to all
Love fill your life
Through till next years fall
Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxxx
((WOO!! 20th entry!!))
I'm so sick of this life and it's god damned restraints!
I never want to go to school again! I don't want to work, I don't want any of this! I don't want to be part of society - I don't want to be friends with people just because I'm supposed to be, I will not make appologies to people I don't feel I need to appologise to - And I sure as hell wont listen to any more of ALA's fucking drivle. (no I'm not refering to Allah - the islamic God - just so you know, I'm talking about one of my crappy teachers)
I'm just sick of all the fucking pretenses - How the hell are we supposed to live in an ordered society of equals if we never let eachother know how we feel? Why am I not allowed to say that I think you're an imbicile for believing what you do? Why can't I refere to myself as a white girl? Why the hell can't I just be me - fuck the consequences. This is my fucking problem with the world - no one knows me anymore, because I'm not allowed to be me! The only person who knows me likes me so god damned much that he hasn't seen me in weeks. And no - I'm not going to be understanding and say "I know he's busy" because bollocks to it! He's my boyfriend and I want to spend some god damned time with him!! I don't give a fuck if he's got other friends, I want to just see him - okay, I want to do more than that, but hey!
But you see - you can't say that, can you? You're supposed to be understanding, you're supposed to let other people live their lives how they want to - but who the hell says that he doesn't want to be spending that time with me? And I really couldn't care less if you're going through a bad time - I just say that cause I want you to feel better - I don't want you feeling sad - but I don't really care if you do. Fucking hell. I don't care if you got you're self pregnant and can't decide whether to abort or not because it's twins - I can't make that decision for you! Make up you're fucking mind and then get on with it!
I just want to tare this world apart! I'm so bleeding angry! Why cant I just be ME??? Is it too much to ask?
A little excert from my wandering diaries:
"Oh dear - this case is about train stations - now all I can think about is Arron - how bad is that? Omigosh. Sad ass! I'm in lurve...
Awww, that was sweet - first comment on the diaries of Nutty Butty Sophia goes to Kiran!!
Thanks babe, really sweet.
So, today is monday - and I was woken up today by a lovely txt telling me that I was late for school. I'm not back till wednseday... but it's the thought that counts I guess.
Feeling shitty again today - mum's so ill with it bless her, yet she manages to clean the house and half cook the dinner (I finished it off for her). How does she do that? When I get ill, I'm stuck in bed for a day - can barely move.
Went walking in the cold yesterday - not the smartest thing I've ever done... but!! Was nice to get out again - I'm a bit of an outdoorsy type, so being stuck indoors doesn't do wonders for my health anyway - not with two chimney's for parents. They smoke so much I'm surprised there's not a white fog everywhere in the house! Then they wonder why Im always opening windows! pah.
My head is hurting (nenah nenuh)
I'm feelin' blue (nenah nenuh)
Coz I'm so sick here when I'm here without you! (wiawiawww)
I got the lonely blues.... (harmonica solo)
hehe!
Yesh, the insanity prevails.
Reminds me - I'm now in love with the saying "I'm insane, what's you're excuse?"
Thought for the day!
You might feel like nothing is going your way, but give it long enough and tides will change.
Everything happens for a reason (if you let it)
You see, I'm not going to be all 'God has a plan', thats bullshit (mostly because I agree with Nietzchse that God is dead) but everything that happens gives a consequence, that, if you have the right attitude, gives you something that (okay, maybe you never wanted) makes you happy. You could lose the person you love, but in doing so you meet someone who introduces you to a life that you had never dreamed of...
If you don't believe me, just think about it. It's true.
Like when Georgina died - we were all so devastated. It still hurts, and the guilt that I wasn't there for her probably wont go away, but it made so many of us open our eyes to what would be left behind if we were to do the same thing. That feeling of not being loved or wanted - hell, we couldn't fit in the church! atleast a hundred people stood outside that church, straining to hear the ceremony, just to say goodbye. How could you have thought we didn't care? *sigh*
I guess I still keep asking myself whether I could have made her see if I'd been closer to her. I know it's stupid to look at whatif's... they don't help anyone, but you can't help it, can you? Makes you wonder too, have I been there for someone and stopped them doing something like that? I guess I'm just gratefull that the people close to me keep me going and haven't given up on me, or themselves.
I don't know what I'd do without my friends.
Thanks - all of you.
Shit - now I'm depressed. Oh well. Positive thinking... chocolate... and a good shopping spree will help. I think. I hope.
The only way you can get over feeling shitty is through you're own thinking. I'm getting better at controlling my emotions, though I have to admit, anger and sadness/pain are the hardest. I still have the urge to break down and cry everytime I think about the people in my life that are no more than memories. Paul, George, Debbie...
I've tried so hard not to close off my heart though. I know that stopping loving isn't possible. I'll never stop loving any of my friends, so I'll never avoid that pain. Closing your heart to the world doesn't save you.
"The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become.
The further you take my rights away
The faster I will run..."
And I've tried to stop getting too angry - but thats so hard too! I still have the urge to throw things, to punch the wall so hard it leaves a dint, to scream so loud even those creatures asleep in the depth of hell are wakened. But I dont. I clench my teeth. I stop for a second and breathe. It's so hard though. So hard.
Stupid realy - I can stop myself from hiccuping by just focusing, I can ctop myself from screaming, I can stop myself from crying - but I can't stop myself from loving, from feeling... wonder why.
*sigh* I'm gonna go drink one of my yummy 'hot chocolate with peppermint and echinacea' drinks. They are so delicious. (and apparently 33calories in a drink - random info)
Message for the day
The more you want something, the further away it seems.
The more you believe something, the closer it gets.
Believe you'll get the things you want, and you will.
*POSITIVE THINKING* induces
*POSITIVE RESULTS*
Love you all
blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxx
I was walking home tonight, past the malt factory and the pub and a cute little house called Whitstichters (or something to that effect); leting the leaves of the weeping willow brush across my face when that old saying 'Life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.'
It's a lovely saying, but I got to thinking; what are the moments in life without the people to remember them?
Life isn't made up of moments, it's made up of the people you meet, the people you know, the people you don't. Those people who you love, and those you hate - they are what make up your life.
Whenever I see someone, I find myself thinking "What's you're story? Am I going to be part of it? Will I be you're leading lady, just an extra, or not even noticed? Will you make a difference in my life? Will you make a difference in mine?"
I want my story to have a happy ending - but who will be the person who takes my breath away? and will I get it back again?
Life is hard to explain - yet it can be so much fun to live... if you let it.
I'm illlll.
I hate this! Atleast I've stopped being sick - that was horrid.
omigod
Will just PROPOSED to me!! *shocked*
yeh - will - they guy I broke up with.
I NEARLY SAID YES!!
AHHHHHHHhhhhhh
Jebus! I can't believe I nearly agreed to marry the cunt!
*deep breaths*
See - this is how lonely I am! I need to stop this. HELP!
HAHAHA!! I just went on a weird 'get you're gothic name' site - and I got bored so I put in 'Smelly' - guess what it came up with?
Dead Psyco
hehehehe I guess they would smell a bit!
Why is it that I can talk to anyone about how I feel - anyone at all - I can write it down here, for all to see - but I can't go knock on a guys door and tell him I missed him??
I like him so much. But I'm terrified that he doesn't feel the same - And I mean terrified. I never knew I was this scared of rejection. Maybe I'm not - maybe I just...
Godess!! I can't do that again - I can't be away from him for that long. I wont kid myself that I don't have these feelings. I can't pretend I don't love him with all my heart. But why can't I just tell him! I guess part of me hopes he'll read my diary entries and find out - but the other half realy doesn't. I think part of me would die of embarrasment.
I can't believe I'm this obsessed. It's frightening.
I need to get a fucking grip!
I can't stand it when people are this obsessed with someone else - it's... ridiculous! I've got to STOP.
Please please please let me just... be NORMAL. This is the first time I've ever wanted that - and the first time I've ever asked - so PLEASE!!!
Might just delete my diary - delete everything - so that he never finds out I'm this obsessed.
I'm so gonna cry.
Thanks to everyone who's commented on this diary - Lets give a round of applause to this big list:
...
Right... so no one! haha. Suppose I write more drivle than I had realised.
Joy.
I should just change my name to Obsessive Compulsive - I swear.
BUT!!! you don't want to know about that - infact - if you know me or have read the rest of my diary - you already know all about that lol.
when's it time to quit?
When do you throw in the towel
and say "I can't do it -
This just feels too foul."
When is it time to try again?
When do you give it a go?
And know you're not insane
How do you know??
If anyone has any answers to that ^ please message me!
Is it love when you can't stop thinking about someone? Is it love - or just obsession - when you keep looking for them, hoping they'll just be there by accident, wishing they would just be trying this hard to find you?
I've so many questions right now. It's... killing me.
I need to know you love me
I need to know you care
I need to hear you call my name
I need you to be there.
God - whats with the random poetry?? I must be frustrated if it's coming out in verse - It's what I do to stop myself from just going beserk.
AHH I'm still doing it - save me!
Make it so these blind eyes see...
gosh - I'm starting to scare myself now.
Make the rhyming go away!
I hope I wasn't like this all day.
I can't really remember now,
and I don't even know how
I do it. All the time.
I didn't know that I could rhyme!
But now it doesn't want to stop
and I'm left here to lose the plot.
I'm getting better - just a half
Rhyme there (they make me barf)
I've got to stop talking in verse
Help! Quick! I need a nurse
to help me pack this rhyming in.
(It could be worse - I might just sing)
Maybe if I just stop writting
These sad rhymes may just stop bitting
At my sad little rhyming rod
That bobs and nods and gives a prod
What the hell am I talking about?
I'm being such a stupid clout.
I'm stopping now - adiue, good bye
Love
Sophia
(and thats no lie)
Welcome to another facinating episode of
SOPHIA'S DIARY
((Note the sarcasm))
I have too much work to do - and I can't be arsed to do any of it! I hate half term!
No - that's a lie - I hate SCHOOL. I hate teachers. I hate work.
I think that's one of the reasons I want to be a singer. Not just because I'm good at it, but because there's no one telling you how you have to do everything!
Or set you assignments.
I hate assignments.
Shit - that reminds me - I've got to ring Mrs Davis soon and tell her I'm interested in that choir thing.
I'm still Ill!! It's driving me nuts!!
Quote for the day:
VO - "Look!! Some idiot's going to jump off the evicorator!"
Manny -"Please tell me that's not our idiot"
Yesh, I've been watching Ice Age 2 again, and - just for the record - It still rocks, so fuck you!
Leads to my next point (Randomly) of not seeing my boyfriend in over a week, and starting to get paranoid that he doesn't want to see me. I'm a sad ass I know... but I havent even spoken to the guy! I need to meditate and chill out.
I'm so not going to be able to cross examine tomorow if all I can think about is how I haven't seen him even though I've wanted to.
Did I mention I'm slightly obsessive compulsive?
That is what my teacher refers to as a one liner. It has no evidence and I don't develop the thought - but really - who gives a shit? It's bloody self explanitory!!
Thought for the day:
When the world feels like it's resting on you're shoulders, don't worry - It's not going to break even if it falls off you're shoulders.
Meaningless drivle falls
out of my mouth, just
A fountain of knowledge
No one wants to trust...
If I cough one more time I'm going to punch something.
If you happen to be infront of me at this time - duck.
This week has been so shit!
It started off great - Got back with Arron, broke up with Will (in that order - oops), had a great night with arron...
Then! Will attempts to kill himself - which upsets and pisses me off - My best friend tells me that she cant decide whether to abort or not - my school work dips to an E grade - I don't see arron - Steph cancels on me - Bar Mock is HARD - and I had a parent's evening (AT 17 ffs!!) - Ontop of all that I get ANOTHER cold!
*sigh* what else can go wrong??
Infact - I don't want to know.
I'm going to be ignorant, play my guitar, write a song and pretend everything's okay.
I've wasted enough of you're time now - catchya later - have a good day (or night - or whatever)
Blessed be
Sophia xx
Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be halfway to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name
I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be halfway to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason
Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back
You're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left
To stop you
Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back
You're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left
To stop you now
We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be halfway to anywhere
Where Love is more than just you're name
Just heard this song and can't stop singing it!!
It's called 'Anywhere' by Evanescence, and the harmony is so beautiful. Wish I had someone to sing it with...
OOOH!!! *runs after Steph*
AH!!! I'm in love with this song!!
Words fall outta my mouth
And Ican't seem to trace
WhatI'm saying,
Everybody wants you're time
I'm just dreaming of light
I can't have you for mine
And I know it,
I just wanna watch you shine
Tripping up on my tongue
It's all over my face
And I'm racing
Got to get away from you
Burning all the way home
Try to put it to bed
But it chases
Every little thing I do
When the light falls on you're face don't let it change you
When the stars get in you're eyes don't let them blind you
You're Beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me
Spell it out in a song
Bet you'll never catch on
To my weakness
I'm singing every word for you
Here I'm thinking I'm sly
Then you're catching my eye
And just maybe
You're thinking what I'm thinking too
When you see it on my face don't let it shake you
I know better than to try and take you with me
You're Beautiful
Just the way you are
And I love it all
Every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me
Come down to me
Pwitty!!
Love it!!
meep. I'm off again byebye!
Okay, so because my last post today was so short I decided to write here again. I'm just... needing an outlet, so don't pay attention to any of this (unless you feel the need)
I just bought a nice new pink dress for £3, and it looks really nice. It's kinda cool too because if fits right and its a size 14 (UK)- which aint special to many people, but I thought I was a 16/18 so, its well nice. I want to wear it lots, but I don't normaly wear dresses, because my legs are scarry lol, oh well.
I've got a bit of a cold at the moment, which sucks, though it does make my voice kinda low and husky - which I guess is kinda cool. Might call the boyfriend in a bit - I miss him.
I feel totaly pissed off and parnoid about something. I literaly keep looking around all the time. Oh well, I bet some car's driving past and the shadows are changing - I swear I saw SOMETHING move in here... probably a shadow from outside.
Stephy didn't come round today - kinda sucks, but I understand. Last time I spoke to her she was painting which is cool. She's a really awesome artist. If you get chance, check it out - I think she's demonika on here - I forget too easily.
Didn't finish my wings today - I can't decide on the style in which to cover them if I'm honest. Oh well. I'll work sumats out before saturday.
I need to ask Arron if he'll walk me into town at 11pm tomorow... apparently its "Not safe" for me to go on my own. *rolls eyes* Yeh, because I really look like the sort of person to mess with - Jeans, trainers, a T-shirt that says 'step up or step off' and a knife in my pocket, (You didn't just read that bit *wink wink*)
But oh well, its a good excuse to be with him anyway - yeh, Steph, if you're reading this, I'm kinda back with Arron... I think... I dunno - thats why I'm gonna ring him in a bit. So yeh - thats why I was asking about him - not because I don't want to talk to you, but because I'm kinda confused at the mo. Sorry.
I need to get this sorted.
Meh.
_
|
0
When I saw you there
I swear my hear stopped
But you don't see me
You're worlds topped
Full of what I'm not
Away from me
Away from what we
Could still be
_
|
0
Hmm, that has potential I guess.
I can't get my head back. It's off in the clouds, looking down on me and dreaming up lovely scenarios where life becomes perfect, and everything I really want is mine.
I'd really like to know why life feels like this hard thing that we have to slug through.
Surely not everyone feels this way?
I know I don't all the time. Not all the time.
You know that bit in 'Hitch' where Will Smith is like "I know that I want to be miserable, if thats what it takes to be with you" ?? I feel like I'm going through that. Please Goddess let there be a light at the end of this tunnel. I feel like... I had this great thing, and I took advantage of it, then ignored it, and managed to almost to forget it completely - and now I get a little taste again and I just fall apart again, and need it always...
I hate the word 'Always'.
There's a bit in a play called 'Translations'(Which is based in Ireland so half the characters speak Irish and the other half speak English) where an Irish girl ask's what the english word 'Always' means - and the person who knows replies that it's a silly word to start with. It's so true. 'Always' isn't real.
The future is so unsure.
Thats why I am.
I think.
You know?
Oh well - too deep maybe.
I'm gonna go down stairs (In my new dress) and ask if I can use the phone.
Sorry for the uber long posty ness.
Sweet dreams to all this night.
Blessed be
love
Sophia xx
WEEE!!
I'm nearly finished with my wings!! They look awesome. Cant wait for halloween - wish Aza was coming... but oh well!!
Have fun!
((Look!! Little post for once!!))
RAWR !!
Time for smelly dairy - ness entry #3!
It's the thursday before half term, and - OMIGOSH I can't stop thinking about this boy! I feel like such a blonde bimbo!
Seriously, anything I think of instantly reminds me of him. I see a water bottle, I think 'My guy prefere's alchohol', I see a book, I think 'Has he read that?'
I'm hopeless.
Might go see him later - if he's in! haha.
I want to ask his sister, since I'm talking to her, if he's about... but that might be a bit rude. Like saying - nice to see you , but I'd really rather see you're brother - Not gonna happen. I may be a weirdo, but I'm not a saddass too.
CHOCOLATE SPREAD
sorry - random.
So, my thought for the day (though, I suppose I'm owing a few now) goes something like this:
You may think you're taking one step forwards and two steps back, but you're actualy just going somewhere different. Enjoy it when you get there :)
OOH and general advice:
When you're feeling like the world is a pile of shit and you can't be arsed with it, just take a little time off to remember all the cool stuff, and then you'll be able to see things with new eyes.
Can't wait for halloween!
Hoping to get some freinds together for Samhain too (:D:D:D) If u know what that is - MESSAGE ME!!
Did I tell you?? I quit work - it was bugging me too much - plus I don't like working with guys who think that no means yes and that it's their right to feel you up. *rolls eyes* But all will work out in the end.
EEP!! I'm doing it again. The word 'will' is like the name 'Will' - which is the name of the guy I just broke up with because I want to be with the other guy I cant stop thinking about - and now I'm thinking about that guy again - bother.
hmm, hope he doesn't read this actualy.
Might put up a sign that says 'Psycho Do Not Read This'.
Interestingly enough that's an impossible command - because if you're to follow it, you have to read it, and by doing so have dissobayed the command...
Little bit of a brain twister in there for you.
OU(I'm)T
^^^
I'm inside Out
hehe, cause the (I'm) is INSIDE the OUT hehe... yeh - i'll be good.
Sorry.
I love the song 'Come down to me' by Saving Jane at the mo, the chorus goes:
You're beautifull just the way you are
And I love it all, every line and every scar
And I wish that I could make you see
This is where you ought to be
Come down to me.
SO PWITTY!!
Annnyway - I'm being dragged off for a walk in the dark... and the cold... and you know what? I dont think I have a coat! hahaha.
Oh well!
TTFN
loveya
Sophia xx
Here is my smelly diary - ness.
Worked today - oh the joy (NOT). It was sooo slow! OMG.
Still have £20 left tho!! yay!! (okay, so I only got £22 for 6 hours work... but hey, money is money right?)
I bought mum a pink furry steeringwheel cover too. ROXXORS!
So I'm sat here eating raisins and talking to myself, and you - obviously.
Goddess, there's 500g of this stuff... I'll be shittin for hours hahaha.
I write really long entries dont I? loadsa people write like.. one line... me... Several paragraphs. Oh well :D
Its been raining all god damned day.
"Rain is good
Rain is great
Rain is just
Precipitate"
hehe
Its raining as I type... not the good rain with the thunder and the lightning and the whooshy rain that drowns out all other noise, oh no. The drizzle that just keeps going ang going in its own dreary (not to mention BORING) way.
*sigh*
How does that song go? "Take me dancing naked in the rain..." hmm... NO. I think not.
I've lost my phone. My mobile that is. I think its somewhere in my room.
I just remembered now because I went for credit last night with my friend who's scared of the rain. Odd how my brain works.
Anyway. yeh.
RANDOMNESS IS CONTAGIOUS... OUTRAGEOUS!!
- Adam
So, I'm starting this thing - Lauren's thought for the day.
(Yeh, I only ever have the one haha)
Thought for the day:
Life is like a kaliedoscope - full of different shaped and different coloured people. Working together makes life beautifull, but you always get some that are stuck and wont change.
Odd, I know, but hey. My shining people are pretty, like in a kaliedoscope, so there.
I think I need to poo now... too many raisins.
I'll loveya and leave ya
Sophia x
So tonight is my first night as a part of this site. Odd, but cool.
I feel really wierd tonight for some reason. Like the worlds looking in on its self. That sounds strange, and thats how i feel. Strange.
Wonder why.
Well, today was cool. Saw Steph again, and Sasha... tho thats all really.
Missin my boo, but then, I always have to. Sucks.
I'm listening to Evanescence full blast on my headphones... still kinda quiet really, could do with an amplifier or sumats.
Music is only really loud if its all you can hear and the base or beat is shaking through you :D
I'm starting to like Limp Bizkit lately. Some of it is a lot deeper than 'Rollin'. Wasn't expecting it to be honest.
OH NO!! This song is so how I feel at the mo... learnt how to play it once...
"The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep,
I need to tell you
Good night
When we're together I feel perfect
When I'm pulled away from you
I fall apart
All you say is sacred to me
Your eyes are so blue
I cant look away
As we lay in the stillness
you whisper to me
Baby, Marry me
Promise you'll stay with me
Oh you dont have to ask me
you know you're all that I live for
You know I'd die just to hold you
Stay with you
Some how I'll show you
That you are my
Night sky
I've always been right behind you
Now I'll always be right beside you
So many nights, I've cried myself to sleep.
Now that you love me
I love myself
I never thought I would say that
I never thought there'd be
You..."
*finishes singing along*
I never seem to see you.
Thats how I feel
Like we're heading off in different directions
Like you can live without me
We never have the time.
Thats how I feel
Like we're too busy for each other
Like you don't really need me.
But I need you.
And I love you.
I'll always make the time
trust me that its true
One day we'll be together
Even if its just a day
Then will be just perfect
Now I've nothing to say...
well, thats enough jibberish for one night.
Luv ya's
Sophia