I'm in one of those moods where everything is just really really funny!

I know it's because I'm tired, and it's cold, and I'm in pain... but that really doesn't matter - cause that's really funny too!!

I've got this giggle trapped between my ribs that just doesn't want to budge.


And I've just realised - some very strange people have given me cool points... wow - aren't they nice?

I've never given a cool point - I hardly ever notice that people have them unless the number is about 3 digits long... numbers get my attention if they're bigger than 99

WOOO!!!

I have a nose!!
:O and you do too!!

BRING ON THE GIGGLE FIT!!!

I miss you...

Decided to put this in... dunno why - it's a graphic novel type that I wrote a while ago. It was - at the time - my perfect idea of sex. Well here goes...




Lovin’
(Carla and Regan)

They couldn’t take their eyes off each other.
”Well, this is me.” Carla was stood outside a small house with Regan.
They were stood mere inches apart, staring into each others eyes. Carla bit her lip unconsciously. Tonight had been wonderful. Just a night at the cinema with their friends, but when he’d offered to walk her home he’d made her night. Regan hadn’t just come out of his way for no reason. He couldn’t help himself liking Carla.
Leaning just that little closer, their lips touched; their arms snaking around one another’s back.
It was as if a firework had gone off. Regan closed his eyes first, soon followed by Carla. There was a heat, a need, to their kiss.
Breaking apart slowly, they looked at each other again, smiling.
She took his hand, leading him up her path. There was something in the air, she was sure of it. Why else would she be feeling this way?
His heart was racing, his mind spinning. So was hers.
Opening the door, Carla pulled an unresisting Regan inside. He caught the door, closing it behind them instinctively.
It wasn’t long before they were kissing again. More passionately this time; tongues flicking between them; touching, intensifying the caress.
A deep desire was raging within them both, urging hands to rove, to linger on curves, slipping under tops.
That touch, his hand on her bare waist, was enough to ignite a fire between her legs. She was drowning in the need for him.
Her hand slipped up his top, sending burning shivers through his body. His breathing was becoming shallow as he pushed her gently against the wall, pushing up her top.
She didn’t resist him. In fact, she was too busy pulling up his top too. They needed to feel skin against skin. Breaking contact for a moment, as their tops were tossed carelessly to the ground, only intensified their growing yearn for intimacy.
Both of them knew this was wrong. She was going out with his best friend, he was dating her sister, but none of that mattered. All that mattered was that they were together now.
His mouth caught hers again, almost desperately. Her hands gripping his waist, pulling him close he wrapped his own around her protectively, his hands slipping up and down her back, undoing her bra without noticing.
Carla was pushing down his jeans, still lost in their tongue tied kiss. As her bra dropped to the floor, so too did her trousers begin to fall.
His mind was screaming at him to stop. That he couldn’t feel this way about his girlfriend’s sister. It was no use. As she touched his back, his jeans falling to his feet, it was as if a flame in his chest were trying to break free and leap into her. Nothing existed except him, her, and this moment.
Her mind was going blank as her naked body pressed against him, her back resting against the wall. His mouth was on her neck now, making her melt with his fire. Running kisses down her neck and chest left a blazing trail.
Her head tipped back as a moan of pleasure left her lips, driving Regan wild.
He lifted her up, his hands on her waist, holding her close. Her legs wrapped around him instinctively as they moved away from the wall. Lying her down on the couch, her arms and legs pulled him down on top of her.
Her legs slipped down his sensually, his lips coming up to touch hers again. He pushed them open with his own, their tongues touching, slipping into each others mouth, massaging one another.
She gasped as he entered her.
“Regan” she called softly, unable to stop herself “Oh, Regan”
“Carla…” he whispered against her lips as he slipped gently in and out of her.
Carla my love… he thought, passion taking over, his love pouring into her.
Her pleasure was unbearable; yet still they weren’t close enough. Her hands pulled at his shoulders, bringing him closer until there was no telling where one of them ended and the other began.
They moved as one, faster and faster, until a stillness came over them both; content to lie there, holding onto each other as if they could never let go.
Wow. She sighed to herself.



Yeah, so... thats a little taster of my mind about a year or two ago. Love was something I found to be irresistable, forbiden... and in a way, it still is.
No wonder sex was such a disapointment.

I'm worth exactly $2,032,854

wow... thats demeaning...

Converted to pounds thats like...

£985,258 ...

I'm not even worth £1m ... geee... great...

It's just some pics I threw together on adobe... *shrugs* I like it... sorta...
It's just some of the images that come to mind when I think of Will, so yeah..

I need to write

My mind is spinning and I can't control it. Thoughts are so messed up, so cold, so warm. I've got cold feet, cold heart, warm love.
Where am I though? I don't even know.

I'm sinking, I can feel it, free falling into that dark place I promised myself I'd never go again. The stupid thing is, I feel safe there. Nothing hurts there you see - numbness can be good sometimes.
I can almost see the pit before me, coming closer. It's depths rising to me as I slip and slide down the sides. I'm not clinging to the edge anymore - I know I should, but some how I don't want to.
I'm still close enough to grab the lip of this sink hole, I've still got time to pull myself out - but I always manage to anyway. I don't want to swallow that crap, refuse to be drugged up, refuse to be happy just because other people want it.
I don't want to be happy at the minute. I feel overwhelmed, underloved, unworthy; ugly.
I'm lonely, which is why I turn to Will, and all the others. Pretending love is easier for me than real love. I don't let myself feel anymore, because I always feel the wrong thing.

I feel bad that I've led people on, just because I'm not smart enough to put things how I mean.
I never even know what I mean though.
I mean it! I don't even know what I feel if I'm honest.

Life is this big struggle with me - and I'm the one who makes it that way. I'm surrounded by these wonderfull people, who all care about me, and I can't feel anything for them.

I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to do anything, but I keep reaching out to people. I want to help them. I can't stand myself anymore.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate it all. It just takes so long.
If I could get intouch with my heart again things would be so much simpler.
I know it's stupid to not count on myself, but I'd really like a lover to be able to share this with. I want someone elses burden to carry. I want life to be simple again.

I'm just so confused by myself and the world I live in. I don't know how to seperate what I want, from what other people expect of me. Maybe no one can, but it really matters to me. I want to get it right. I want to know my own mind.
But I have no faith in my own decisions. How can I base my life on things I have no faith in? Thats like an Athiest being a Nun... it makes no sense.

I think my problem is that I was always told I could be anything I wanted, but I wanted so many different things that I got in my head I could be all of them. But I know that I can't be. So I managed to confuse myself.

I'll be honest, I know what I want. I want to sing. Music is the one thing that takes me away. But I know that I wouldn't make it in the music biz. I'm not the right sort of person to make it - but the thing is, I wont change just to 'make it'. I certainly wont change my music just to fit in; okay, I'd love to have a play with a master DJ, re master some of my songs, add some cool backing (rather than just my piano or guitar). The music is part of me, its in my mind, in my heart - I just feel my way through it.

I'm not beautiful enough for that life anyway.

Ugh, I just wanna lie down and let the world pass by. I need to do so much, and cant. That's a lie, I can, I just don't seem to have the drive.

Okay, these stitches are really bugging me now.

Ugh, and I have to go rinse my mouth out with warm salt water again cause I managed to open my mouth far enough to eat some lunch...

JOY!!

Okay, so I was freaking out for no reason - no surprise there!
The tooth came out pretty easy to be honest - I have three stitches where they had to cut my gums... they also cut my tooth in half as far as I'm aware.
They showed me the tooth - it wasn't as big as some... but it was bigger than I thought it would be - after all, I only ever felt the tip of its side...
Now that it's gone, I've got the line of stitches... and then this awesome hole where my tooth used to be.
I think it looks funky, but mum's really mad that I keep showing people - My brother thought it was funny though, so :D

I'm not in as much pain as the othodontist thought I would be, but thats no surprise. I don't really get bothered all that much by physical pain. I've had some pain killers earlier... I think I'm due some more in about an hour actualy... so I'll keep up the meds just to make sure it doesn't get unbarable.
I'm not supposed to eat much today - but I've had some chips, chrisps, chocolate... hehe, I was hungry - what can I say? My Jaw kinda aches... but hey, it's not that serious, so :D

I'm considering going back to school tomorow, just so I can parade the gorey scar before it heals - cause you know by monday it will be barely noticeable. Hell, it's at the back of my mouth, so you can barely see it as is... Maybe I can gross a couple of the guys out in my philosophy class with it though? Pfft, doubt it.
Anyway - I'm not supposed to go in tomorow. Apparently I need rest. I feel great though - my cold is nearly gone, so I'm like "Woooh!"
Besides, I've already missed so much. I ought to do some god damn homework if I'm honest, but I really dont wanna. I like just watching films and stuff.
I've gotta stop tongueing my hole - and not just because it sounds so wrong!
I think I'm making it bleed... but then again, it might just be bleeding on its own.

I'm in a well crazy mood. I've got Armagedon on in the back ground, just because its so effing funny!
And I keep starting my sentances with 'and', which is silly, but that's how I'm thinking at the minute.

Wow, what would you do if you found out exactly when you were gonna die?
Would you be all freaked out, would you carry on as normal, or would you go do some fun, crazy shit??
I think I'd have fun - I mean, there's so much I'd love to do. I'd leave school, deffinately, I'd also write as much of what's in my head as possible. Unless, ofcourse, I found out I had like... 60 odd years left - then I'd just carry on as usual, try and forget. I'd not have to worry about dieing though, would I? I mean, you would know when you were going to die, so you wouldn't have to look both ways, or be like... mega cautious! It would be well cool!

I can see it now though, some little shit head would so change their destiny if you showed it to them - or atleast try to.
Me, I'd be happy about it. I'd be able to do what the hell I wanted. It would just wipe away all those stupid uncertainties...
Plus - you wouldn't be all worried about stupid shit would you? You'd not give two shits about your make up, or if someone had said the wrong thing about you behind your back... because you'd be able to see the big picture.

Woah, I think I'd probably like to know when I'm going to die. But then again, I have a pretty good idea anyway. I know I'm not gonna die too young... but I'm not gonna get past 60 as far as I'm aware. If I live to be 65, I'm gonna just go all out and have the best time ever!
I don't really wanna live past 60 if I'm honest. Then again, I don't wanna work till I'm 65... so it's understandable isn't it?

I'm likely to get osteoporosis (I dont think thats spelt right) since its in the family - I'm probably going to have serious 'female organ' problems (since everyone from my mums side always has), and I'm the sort of person who is likely to get shot, exploded, or crash at some time.

MMMmmmm chocolate.

Okay - so I'm not all that coherent at the moment!

The birds don't seem to be about lately - or atleast they don't seem to not like my 'fat ball' thingy that I've put out for them.

Anyway - I'm going to go get something... I'm not sure what yet - but YArrr matey!

Speak soon darlings - I hope all is well with you

Blessed be!

Lauren xx

I haven't told anyone, but I'm absolutely terrified of tomorow. I remember the pain of having my other tooth pulled, now having to have my wisdom tooth extracted... the thought makes me feel so sick.
It's at about 11am... and I never want that time to come.
I keep telling myself that the sooner its done, the sooner I can stop being afraid of it; but I'm still so scared.
I haven't told anyone, mainly because I've been trying to psyche myself up for this, partly because I don't want to admit that I'm scared.
I don't want to make a fuss - cause that just makes things worse for everyone. Still, I can't stop the tears from coming when think about it.

I'm trying to look on the good side. When this is over, I can say - yeah, I went through with it. I faced my fear - but the whole "facing my fear" thing is still pretty damn daunting.
I keep meaning to tell someone, but I know the reaction I'll get. Either - don't be silly; or 'oh dear, there there, it'll be okay'... I don't want, or need, either of those. I just need someone to listen to my fears, pat me on the back and say, 'good luck'.
So, I've told myself my fears, patted myself on the shoulder (I can't really reach my back properly) and wished me luck. I'm sure everything will be fine. I just have to get through these next 24 hours... then the week of salt water mouth washes and lack of hot or cold food.... then the proding and poking to make sure its all gone....

Oh joy.


Well, there are worse things in this world.
This is just a little bump on the road... I just hope my stomach can stand the jolt.

Wishing you hope, luck, love and prosperity;

Blessed be
Lauren xx

|………..|
|………..| Put this on your
|………..| page if you have
|…….O.| ever pushed a
|………..| door that said pull!
|………..|


Yes, that's right, I'm a sad ass who can't use doors...

I've also tried pulling doors that said push - though I have yet to attempt to slam a revolving door!



Oh, and my new favourite picture for the day:

I feel so icky still - can have some more lemsipness in a mo though, thank the goddess!
I feel like shit.

I haven't done any homework either - which is bad.

Sasha's not spoken to me yet today - hope she's not coming down with this.
Carl seems distant lately - hope he's ok too.

Ugh, burning up again! :'(

I hate this - please, I don't want to be ill any more :(

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-Screeee--eeeee--ee-eeeeech-

Home ill.

So sick of being ill!!

Oh well, I'm sure it means I'll belike.... impervious to colds when I'm older. Hopefully.

*sigh*

Doing knitting at times... I'm that bored yeah.
Oh well...

If I die soon, it will be of boredom.



Love you all
xxLilandrixx

Random story introness... Dunno if it'll end up as the intro, or ending now... but hey...

"

Foamy RULES!!

Gotsta love the Pillzewillzy...

I've had a pretty good day.
So why am I so low again?

It's really strange. It's as if I get home and I get nice and sleepy, and bam - the depression hits.
I can't tell why though. Maybe its my family, or this house. I know I thought it was this place at one point... more likely the negativity that poors out of my parents, and me...

I don't want to see anyone, but I feel the need to be with someone. Maybe Sasha... meh - I don't know.

I'd like to go see Arron... but I know how badly that would go aswell. I can't explain whats wrong. I think its my fault really. I get low, Arron's not around, I look for other people to comfort me. I can't seem to help it, which is bad - I want to have more self control. I don't want to look at other guys and think 'what if'... I don't want to wonder what a relationship with other people could be. I don't want to look at Carl like that, or think of Will in that way... but I do - and it shows. I'm sure it does.
I can't keep makeing the first move though.
If I felt like I was getting something back, something... maybe... maybe's don't matter though.
Everyone says I need to end it with him; and I mean everyone. My dad told me to send him a text saying "Welcome to dumpsvill, population you." It's not me though. I can't do that sort of thing, mostly because I still have feelings for him. I'm not ready to end it I guess.

I'd love to go surprise him today, but it would be just my luck that I'd make plans to go, and he'd be unavaliable. He's always busy. Too busy. Too busy for me atleast.
I just want to be held. Properly I mean... not in that mildly awkward friend way, or that loving family member way... properly, from a lover... that way that makes you feel wanted by someone who has no need to want you... I don't know how it's different, it just is.
I want Arron to hold me and tell me everything will be okay between us. I want to be able to believe him.

I might call him, see if he has plans tonight... then see if I can beg mum to take me there, or pick him up or... or... something.

I know it's silly to be so consumed by this, but it feels like I'm grasping at straws here. It's the fact that in a relationship we're supposed to be there for each other. I need him here for me, and I want to be there for him. I want to know what problems he's got... I want to sit together and just chat.
None of the stupid jokes, none of the Uncles, parents, or friends... just us. Talk about the stuff we've been meaning to say.

I guess I'm lonely.
There's just... something that can't be replaced by friends. No matter how nice, how loving, how sweet... they just don't fill that gap left by a lover.
Hmm, love...
I'm still undecided as to whether I love Arron... or if I can love him. He's not what I want... but what I want I've never found.
Well... maybe I have...

I have to go though. Stop rambling about rubbish. None of it really matters in the scheme of things; though I can see it means a lot to me.

So, I'll go do some homework, call my 'bf', and try to cheer up (little emo fish) xxx

Love you all
Lauren xxx

Korn...

Now, imagine you've never heard or seen this band. What is your first thought?

"God these people can't spell...."

"Who wants to listen to corn anyway?"

"What kind of hillbilly sings about corn, and can't spell ... ?"


Not really the effect they were going for I assume.


Though, as one of the dirtier minded of my friends has pointed out, "P and K are kind of close on the keyboard."

Still not what the band meant - I'm sure.