I wish I could honestly say I know what love is.. but I really don't.
I use the word, and feel... so much... but - I just don't know what love is.
Is it lust and trust and all that? Or is it wanting to spend your life with someone?
Is it wanting someone despite their imperfections... or because of them?

I'm ending with Arron... just have to speak to him... and have the guts to let him hurt.
Thats one of my problems, I hate hurting people.
But it really does not work between us.
Plus... there's kinda someone else...

I don't know how to handle relationships. Thats always been one of my problems.
I know how to give someone love, and (now) how to detect when I'm not getting it back... but... what do I really know about love? Or relationships?

*bah, i give up*

Wrote you a song today Will.
I didn't mean for it to come out so corny and sad sounding. My music is always like that though, so ...
Thinking of getting it recorded... but it still feels strange that you're gone.
I feel like there's something I should have done... presumptious of me to think I could have made a difference where your closest friends couldn't. I guess I just wish I'd tried... something.
Alice and... well, everyone... said that you didn't want help. You wanted to do it yourself... but part of me feels like you'd convinced yourself you were going to die anyway. I find myself wondering if it's what you wanted.
I don't even know how I feel about that... but I really hope you're ok, happy, free... I hope our pain hasn't caught you... or hurt you... we just miss you is all.
I'm sure we'll all get to meet you when we finaly pass ourselves... I hope I do get to meet you... not really sure why... just feel like I should have... or that I was meant to know you...I'm not really sure.
Anyway, I'm gonna go talk to some other people hun.
Hope you're ok xxx

GOD DAMNIT!! I just wanna slam these people into a fucking wall!!

They keep complaining about girl troubles - and i mean... come on... they're barely problems they're complaining about...
I just wanna fucking scream at them!

Don't they realise one of the worlds nicest people has just died??

Damnit - why is it the world becomes so petty when a person you know dies?

Empty again.

It seems like I can cry so hard, laugh till my jaw hurts, but not feel anything properly. All I want to do is cry, and I'm sick of only ever talking about myself.
Not just in this diary... that's what you're supposed to do in a diary... but, in general conversation, it's always "I", "me" blah blah blah, all the time. I don't even realise I'm doing it half the time.
I don't wanna be like that.

I don't understand how I can be missing Will so much either?
It's not like I knew him very well... that guy can really touch people... could really touch people...

Half of me thinks he wanted to stop fighting. I don't know. Guess I never will. Guess no one really will.
It's so different from when Georgina died. That was such a shock, it took forever for the hurt to sink in. With Will having been... the tears were so sudden, and wouldn't stop...
I can tell with his close friends that they're still at that numb point, where you can't mourn, can't accept, can't understand any of it. That point where you keep expecting them to walk in and be ok; like the doctors were wrong, or they meant someone else... it's all just some mix up...
It's so hard to see them going through that, and not be able to help... because nothing does help.

Can't concentrate on this essay to save my life lol.

I think of you and smile
As the tears touch my cheeks.
Their warmth is somehow
comforting, like your touch.
The emptiness isn't really empty,
because your still there,
Still making me smile,
Still making me cry.
You promised to always be there,
And you never brake a promise.
Now you're not just Angel,
You're our gaurdian angel...

I'm considering painting a target on my heart, that way, when people try and break it, they can get it in one clean shot, rather than chipping it away slowly.

If theres a tip I could give to guys it's this:

When a girl walks away, she wants you to follow her. Even if it's just for a hug.

the other thing I'd let guys know is never to take anything I say 100% seriously. I can't physically be that serious. Well I can... but I hardly ever am.
Strike that, I'd like to let EVERYONE know that they should take everything with a pinch of salt.

I need to learn that it's okay to hurt peoples feelings. It's ok to say 'NO - fuck no - hell no - never' to guys; i just can't do it.
Like Matt the other day.
I don't feel anything for him, but I let him hold me, kiss me... let him brush the hair off my cheek, say he loved me, let him run his hands over me. The whole time trying to hold back my repulsion.
But I do - I didn't push him away much, i let him look and touch... the whole time wishing he'd stop, but not having the guts to tell him to go fuck himself. I didn't want to be alone, so I put up with him.
I just lay there and let him climb on top of me (we both were fully clothed before you get the wrong idea - I'm passive, but I'm not THAT passive), let him hold my hands above my head and thrust his tongue in my mouth.
He didn't even care that I wasn't kissing back, or even responding physically.
He just kept telling me he loved me, thought we'd be perfect together, that I was beautiful, that he'd never had a better time with a woman... that he'd make me feel like a real woman again.
To quote my fave film ever (Dogma)...
"The average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes.."
I can honestly say that I have never met (face to face) a real man; though both my brothers come quite close if I'm honest.
Then again, what makes a guy 'a man'. Maybe I expect too much from them. All I know is, Matt is anything but a man.
He's 16 ffs!! what on EARTH makes him think he could make me feel that way?? He's a virgin too - and if you ask me, there's a reason for that.
Now, I am no virgin - sometimes wish I was, but that's not the point. I'm very capable of getting pleasure from a guy, if I want, and more than able to give it.
The ordacity of his narrow minded self importance!!
Purlease! If I wanted to get with someone other than my boyfriend... well, lets just say there's a couple of people I could bunk with... one of whom has been trying to convince me to anyway!
Still, I can't deny I lay there and let him kiss me. Atleast I stopped his hands from roving over my breasts - that I didn't stand for. Kinda ashamed I pulled the punch so much though (yeah, I punched him in the face... but it was only gentle...) I'm not even sure why it mattered so much that he was touching there. It just.... enraged me. To me it was like having your pants pulled down and being touched there...
I'm considering getting either Arron, or Adam... or one of my brothers... to sort him out for me. I don't want him stalking me, thinking he can do that to me.
I was depressed at the time, if I was as mad as I can get at times... I might actualy kill him...

Oh well, enough ranting!!

Blessed be
Lauren xxx

A poem to reinforce my hope of life after love, and heart break. Just finished writing it this minute....


As you look at me, seeing into my soul,
I feel you trace the scars of my heart.
Feel you rage at those who broke me,
Who cut me so deep I thought I'd never heal.

As you touch my cheek, giving me your strength,
I understand how deep your love runs.
I feel my heart beat in time with yours,
Feel you free me from my chains,

Break down my walls, watch my barriers fall.
You help me rise through the drowning flood
Of my tears; the strength your love lends me
Makes me new, makes me part of you.

As your lips brush mine, sparking something deep
Inside, and making me know it's alright
To hurt, to heal, to feel. I wonder if you're real.
Just to know your love is as strong as mine...

oooh shiney!!

*giggles like crazy*

feel like all I do is go round in circles lately.

so I've been messing around, and found this pic of me and chris again. He's my nephew, love him to bits.

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare,
each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him I'm not standing here alone.
Because my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far
you see he was a policeman and died just this past year,
when airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
IF UR NOT CRYING U HAVE NO HEART

Just remembered one of my dreams last night.
I kept having weird dreams and waking up all night, but this ones the only one I can remember now.

I can't remember why, but there was me and about... 5 other people fighting this evil dude, who had been possesed by The Hallow (whatever the hell thats meant to be). We ended up in these huge tunnels, that were probably, thinking about it, under a bridge... since when I got blown out of them i was near water...
So these tunnels are pretty short, and open at either end. About five of them are next to each other, and one of the end ones is more like a big empty parking lot.

Anyway, theres the six of us facing this guy and a white snakehead like ghost thing comes out of his body. Its huge, and uses him to speak. Can't remember what the dude/ hallow says... but its basicaly 'you can't beat me, you're gonna die'... sorta thing.
It turns into a bit of a classical RPG thingy where he gets a turn to do a special move on us, then we get to attack him blah blah... we work out (or i remember, cause its kinda like I had that dream before... sort of) that everytime he uses his windy special ability thing and tosses us out of the tunnels, he loses some energy, but the more we 'kill' the guy, the more powerful he gets. Almost as if, the closer he is to death, the more power he can comand.

For some reason, I'm now the only one fighting him, and it's like a personal vendeta type thingy. He splits in two (i'm not sure how, why or when) and I realise I've lost my sword, so he gives me his... or i capture it... it's kinda fuzzy that bit. But his sword is really long, thin, and bendy. I've worked out by this time that I can't kill him, because he'll wipe out existance. So I half heartedly fight him, and end up in this 'car park' like tunnel.

I'm then fighting three girls. On my own. I'm throwing kicks to the head, and things like that, but I'm not really applying much force to the blows for some reason.
Some how, we end up half slowing the fight, and hurting each other (no, i don't know how or why) by touching each others breasts.
So we kinda all end up making out ... then I remember that the Hallow thingys about, and run off to fight it...

Yeah... I have very weird dreams...

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Listening to Erotica by Madonna

I love the line

"Let my mouth go where it wants to"

I have a spidere in the conere of my room. It's about a foot from my face right now. Bunk beds rock. Got to use the laptop tonight, so I can lie in bed and type and stuff
Love it!

Anyway, don't know why I like that line so much, it's just... thinking about where a mouth could go. Necks are the most desirable obviously, but then theres chests and arms, and backs... i'm obsessed with the torso... can you tell?

Did a weird conditioning treatment thing on my hair today, should be nice and soft soon.
Actualy, it should already be nice and soft, I just haven't bothered checking hehe.

I've given up on the beloved essay, because its just depressing and I have no idea what I'm typing what so ever. So yeah, I gave up on that.

Keep hearing things again. Probably a good idea to take that fluoxitine... though I haven't as of yet.
I feel like it dulls my senses so much... but hey.

I don't feel like myself lately, though I can't explain what's different.
The whole 'overtly sexual' thing is just... not me! Yet I've been doing it a lot.
The fear isn't new, but it isn't ME either.
I don't get scared, or nervous, or embarrased. I don't get butterflies like this just thinking about going somewhere new.
I know I'll either wing it and be fine, or chicken out and not go.
I hope I wing it. I don't want to chicken out. I love philosophical study and thought, so studying it makes sense... right??

I mean, come on, this is the girl who convinced her friend that said friend didn't exist!!
I just get the ideas. I follow them with logic... and I just... thrill in it.
We touched on some extremely advanced physics today too, and I was in my element. I love the new ideas, the new thoughts, the things I've never thought of before. I love it that it makes me think on a totaly different level.
It wakes something up inside me.

I'd not felt like that in so long.
I want that feeling again, and I think Philosophy is the subject that can feed this hunger.
I yearn for knowledge more than I yearn for the arms of my lover. I long to be pushed mentaly. Stretched.
It's like I can feel it physically opening my mind to new things, new concepts, creative thinking.

Like today, when we were talking, just me and Dr Meredith, about how protons stay together within the neucleus, even though the electrostatic force repelling them out weighs the gravitational attraction by like... ten to the thirty something... which, if you don't do maths or physics, will make no sense what so ever.
Basically, the forces we're aware of (at A-level) are gravity and electrostatic force... now, the electrostatic force acts like a magnet. When the charge is the same they repel like mad.
Protons should exert over 200N against each other, but they somehow stay within the tiny space of the neucleous. It's as if... you're pushing to magnets together, they're pushing away from each other like crazy, yet you get them almost touching, and they suddenly don't push against each other.
It's crazy, yet thats how it works. The neutrons and protons have a special neucli force of their own, that starts acting on them when they're close enough...
I found it (as you can possibly surmise) incrediable.
I started wondering if there could be a different explination for how/why the nuclious stays together. Theories in general seem to break down when they get to the really tiny, or really huge, things in the universe.

I love philosophy for this one, simple reason, and that is - it allows you to think.
It lets you go - well, what if that's wrong? What if it's actualy totaly different. Is that possible? Would that work?
It lets you try and solve the puzzles of the universe, without ever letting you actualy work it out.

The freedom of thought is .... the one thing I crave so badly. People who I can propose these things to, and actualy get an answer other than 'just... no' or 'i have no idea what you're going on about'... you know?
My ethics teacher never understood pure philosophy, and I've found lots of people don't; yet its what my mind thrives on, the philosophical thinking is the only way i know how to think really.

You have no idea how nervous I am of totaly cocking up and not being able to do the course though.
I'm scared of making the wrong impression in the group too, I don't want to be the outcast again this year.
I've played that role for... over a decade... and it's never been one I liked.
I get on with it though. I don't mind being on my own... it's just, I don't want to HAVE to be on my own.

I want to be understood.
Like when Sam understood what I was thinking, and knew the theories I'd only touched on in personal research.

I regret not having taken Philosophy last year, or the year before. It's what I wanted to do, but I let myself be talked out of it, because it meant going to Kings.
I'm such a whimp when it comes to change.

Oh well, sounds like my computer may be fixed.
Thanks for letting me ramble

xx Lauren xx

Blessed be

Hmm, i feel... like something is wrong. I can't tell what it is, there's just something... not right.
I don't feel low... but I'm going to try taking a fluoxitine anyway... see if I'm sinking.
I don't think I am... but better safe than sorry. I don't want to get low again without realising it.

This might just be nerves about tomorow, and my writers block... but it doesn't feel like it's part of me. More like I'm sensing something wrong in general.

I can't really explain it, which is really frustrating. I feel like... like I'm missing some peice of the puzzle, and it's just there, and I'm not seeing it...
if that makes any sense. I don't think it does...

Might go get something to drink, see if I can do some general cleansing and shielding.
Might meditate for a while... i need practice at it.

I'm going to try again with the essay after meditating. See if the ideas congeal a little better.

I should study up on my D1 too...

oh well, blessed be
xx Lauren xx

I've found lately that I think less and less aobut everything.
Today I decided to join the AS philosophy course. I didn't do it at year 12 because I was too chicken to take lessons at Kings... I'm still bloody nervous about it. I just know I'm going to make a fool of myself by getting lost or something... but hey!
Philosphy is worth the humiliation... even if I'm not officialy supposed to be doing it.

Will kinda convinced me to do it.
Then hearing someone talking about the classes just made me want to be there, discussing those issues... so I'm gonna maybe talk to the girl in my form I think is doing AS and see if she happens to want to share her time table with me hehe

If not, I'll just stumble through as usual.

I'm so used to being in my comfort zone you see, that I'm too chicken to move out of it. I will though, and after the first time it wont be any hastle.
Will might give me a mini tour at lunch if I ask him nicely... that way I'll learn where everything is.
It can't be that hard though.

I'm gonna google the school, see if I can get a map so I don't get too lost.

Cross your fingers for me guys! :D

blessed be
xx Lauren xx

I've just realised. I've got nothing to say.

how odd