Listening to Erotica by Madonna

I love the line

"Let my mouth go where it wants to"

I have a spidere in the conere of my room. It's about a foot from my face right now. Bunk beds rock. Got to use the laptop tonight, so I can lie in bed and type and stuff
Love it!

Anyway, don't know why I like that line so much, it's just... thinking about where a mouth could go. Necks are the most desirable obviously, but then theres chests and arms, and backs... i'm obsessed with the torso... can you tell?

Did a weird conditioning treatment thing on my hair today, should be nice and soft soon.
Actualy, it should already be nice and soft, I just haven't bothered checking hehe.

I've given up on the beloved essay, because its just depressing and I have no idea what I'm typing what so ever. So yeah, I gave up on that.

Keep hearing things again. Probably a good idea to take that fluoxitine... though I haven't as of yet.
I feel like it dulls my senses so much... but hey.

I don't feel like myself lately, though I can't explain what's different.
The whole 'overtly sexual' thing is just... not me! Yet I've been doing it a lot.
The fear isn't new, but it isn't ME either.
I don't get scared, or nervous, or embarrased. I don't get butterflies like this just thinking about going somewhere new.
I know I'll either wing it and be fine, or chicken out and not go.
I hope I wing it. I don't want to chicken out. I love philosophical study and thought, so studying it makes sense... right??

I mean, come on, this is the girl who convinced her friend that said friend didn't exist!!
I just get the ideas. I follow them with logic... and I just... thrill in it.
We touched on some extremely advanced physics today too, and I was in my element. I love the new ideas, the new thoughts, the things I've never thought of before. I love it that it makes me think on a totaly different level.
It wakes something up inside me.

I'd not felt like that in so long.
I want that feeling again, and I think Philosophy is the subject that can feed this hunger.
I yearn for knowledge more than I yearn for the arms of my lover. I long to be pushed mentaly. Stretched.
It's like I can feel it physically opening my mind to new things, new concepts, creative thinking.

Like today, when we were talking, just me and Dr Meredith, about how protons stay together within the neucleus, even though the electrostatic force repelling them out weighs the gravitational attraction by like... ten to the thirty something... which, if you don't do maths or physics, will make no sense what so ever.
Basically, the forces we're aware of (at A-level) are gravity and electrostatic force... now, the electrostatic force acts like a magnet. When the charge is the same they repel like mad.
Protons should exert over 200N against each other, but they somehow stay within the tiny space of the neucleous. It's as if... you're pushing to magnets together, they're pushing away from each other like crazy, yet you get them almost touching, and they suddenly don't push against each other.
It's crazy, yet thats how it works. The neutrons and protons have a special neucli force of their own, that starts acting on them when they're close enough...
I found it (as you can possibly surmise) incrediable.
I started wondering if there could be a different explination for how/why the nuclious stays together. Theories in general seem to break down when they get to the really tiny, or really huge, things in the universe.

I love philosophy for this one, simple reason, and that is - it allows you to think.
It lets you go - well, what if that's wrong? What if it's actualy totaly different. Is that possible? Would that work?
It lets you try and solve the puzzles of the universe, without ever letting you actualy work it out.

The freedom of thought is .... the one thing I crave so badly. People who I can propose these things to, and actualy get an answer other than 'just... no' or 'i have no idea what you're going on about'... you know?
My ethics teacher never understood pure philosophy, and I've found lots of people don't; yet its what my mind thrives on, the philosophical thinking is the only way i know how to think really.

You have no idea how nervous I am of totaly cocking up and not being able to do the course though.
I'm scared of making the wrong impression in the group too, I don't want to be the outcast again this year.
I've played that role for... over a decade... and it's never been one I liked.
I get on with it though. I don't mind being on my own... it's just, I don't want to HAVE to be on my own.

I want to be understood.
Like when Sam understood what I was thinking, and knew the theories I'd only touched on in personal research.

I regret not having taken Philosophy last year, or the year before. It's what I wanted to do, but I let myself be talked out of it, because it meant going to Kings.
I'm such a whimp when it comes to change.

Oh well, sounds like my computer may be fixed.
Thanks for letting me ramble

xx Lauren xx

Blessed be

Hmm, i feel... like something is wrong. I can't tell what it is, there's just something... not right.
I don't feel low... but I'm going to try taking a fluoxitine anyway... see if I'm sinking.
I don't think I am... but better safe than sorry. I don't want to get low again without realising it.

This might just be nerves about tomorow, and my writers block... but it doesn't feel like it's part of me. More like I'm sensing something wrong in general.

I can't really explain it, which is really frustrating. I feel like... like I'm missing some peice of the puzzle, and it's just there, and I'm not seeing it...
if that makes any sense. I don't think it does...

Might go get something to drink, see if I can do some general cleansing and shielding.
Might meditate for a while... i need practice at it.

I'm going to try again with the essay after meditating. See if the ideas congeal a little better.

I should study up on my D1 too...

oh well, blessed be
xx Lauren xx

I've found lately that I think less and less aobut everything.
Today I decided to join the AS philosophy course. I didn't do it at year 12 because I was too chicken to take lessons at Kings... I'm still bloody nervous about it. I just know I'm going to make a fool of myself by getting lost or something... but hey!
Philosphy is worth the humiliation... even if I'm not officialy supposed to be doing it.

Will kinda convinced me to do it.
Then hearing someone talking about the classes just made me want to be there, discussing those issues... so I'm gonna maybe talk to the girl in my form I think is doing AS and see if she happens to want to share her time table with me hehe

If not, I'll just stumble through as usual.

I'm so used to being in my comfort zone you see, that I'm too chicken to move out of it. I will though, and after the first time it wont be any hastle.
Will might give me a mini tour at lunch if I ask him nicely... that way I'll learn where everything is.
It can't be that hard though.

I'm gonna google the school, see if I can get a map so I don't get too lost.

Cross your fingers for me guys! :D

blessed be
xx Lauren xx

I've just realised. I've got nothing to say.

how odd

Back at school. There's naff all to do.

I'm thinking of going and getting some lunch soon.

I should be doing my essay but I really cant be arsed.

Keep haveing random dreams about Arron, and getting a house together... or at one point it was just getting a bed in a random room... that was funny though...

Anyway, nothing interesting to report.

The word for today is rubicon, its a point of no return.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Blessed be
xx Lauren xx

The lyrics to my new song

I wonder why I try at all
I wonder why I cry alone

You whisper softly to me
And tell me that you love me
I wonder if you even know who I am
Yet I still hold on to you
And say those sweet words to you
Pretending that we understand
Forever and a day…

I wonder why I try at all
I wonder why I cry alone

You lean in closer to me
I close my eyes, you touch me
We make believe that we’ve not been apart
I know I shouldn’t kiss you
I know I shouldn’t miss you
But I’ll keep you safe inside my heart
Forever and a day…

I wonder why I try at all
I wonder why I cry alone

But I know in my heart
When we’re not apart
I love you more than words can say…

I wonder why I try at all
I wonder why I cry at all….




The tune I've put to this is really quite slow and sad, but comes out so sweet when added to the guitar I've written it for.
I'm really quite impressed with this one, it's my first attempt at finger picking a tune for one of my own songs.
I'm going to try to record it sometime soon, though the quality will be bad anyway...
If I do, I'll get it on the internet and put a link up !!

I'm scared I might do something stupid.

I think the best idea would just be to go to sleep. I can't hurt myself if I'm asleep.

I was gonna call Arron... but I don't know what I'd say. I've already cried so hard about it... now I'm kinda numb.

I think the thing thats bugging me is - why am I not good enough for him? Why is he not as inlove with me as I am with him?

I could hit myself for not have stopping this when I first knew it wasn't working. Why couldn't I just have listened to TJ??
Why can I still not take peoples advice and dump him?

Do I really love him that much?

Ugh, I don't know.
All I know is, I managed to finish my song today - and so far I've christened it 'Arron'... though I'll probably call it 'why?' or 'I wonder'.... something like that.

The verses basicaly describe how when we're together everything seems fine, but when we're apart everything just... isn't.

Anyway, I'm gonna go. Adam doesn't want to talk, and if I'm honest, neither do I.

If I think of something to say, I might call Arron... maybe he'll make me feel better. Not that I can ever tell him anything important... but hey - never mind.

So I'm off - ttfn, ttyl... and all that junk.

Blessed be
xx Lauren.

The world is crashing down around me.
I can't find a reason to live, and the need to hurt physically instead of emotionaly is growing stronger.
I tried cutting my legs this morning, but my knife was too blunt. All I have is some redness on my thigh.

I know I shouldn't. I know its stupid. I just can't help it.
Atleast I'm not trying to cut somewhere leathal like my wrists, or my neck... I'm not trying to die, I'm just... I don't know actualy.
I can barely feel physical pain right now. It doesn't seem fair that I can't feel physical pain, but I have to put up with so much emotional pain.

I don't even know why every little thing hurts me so much either.
I mean, the whole Arron thing is hurting, I'm stressing about the homework I've not done over the holls, I'm becoming obsessed with my weight, I'm being sexual with almost anyone just to feel something other than pain.
Adam makes me smile - thank god he's there. Everyone else just seems to hurt me. I know they don't mean to, but they aren't honest with me.
I can't trust anyone right now. Not my family, not my friends, not my boyfriend.... yet somehow I trust Adam. My secrets feel safe with him.

I'm so low today - I just don't know what to do.
I'm not supposed to be like this on anti-depressants.
It's not right, it's not fair.
Maybe I was better off with the physical pain, atleast I could cope with that.

I'm tired of tears, and not being able to smile. I want to feel better. I want to be me again.
Maybe I should kill my computer and go be with people.... it's just, I don't think I have anyone to be with....

I've issolated myself so badly.
I just don't know what to do.
I think I need to go back to the doctors...

How am I going to cope with school next week when I'm like this??

I need someone to point me in the right direction.
I need someone to hold me and stroke my hair while I cry.

*sigh* one day, Lauren, one day you'll be ok.


Blessed be
xx

shit shit shit

I'm falling for him.

Must stop!!

I can't fall for him - i wont - I shant!

shit, I'm so falling for him...

I don't know what to do.

I've cried, and cried, and the tears have just stopped.

Part of me is scared, the last time I went this low, I cried... then went numb... then.... well, then I nearly killed myself.

All I can think about right now is how I want to die.
I don't even know why I want to die, i just do - and I can't help it.

I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to anyone about it.

I tried calling arron, but he didn't pick up.
He's probs at his cousins for his tea...

I'd call Kiran, but... I can't. I can't explain why, I just can't...

There's Adam, but I don't wanna bring him down again, he's only just lightening up as it is.

I can still smile now and then - thats a good sign.

I really hope I get through this one.

I'll draw you a picture
And I'll draw it with a twist
I'll draw it with a razor
And I'll draw it on my wrist.


I've never self harmed before, but right now I'm considering it. That knife looks so inviting.

I was going to cry - but the tears never came.

I don't get why I'm all upset now - i just want to die though.
I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to die - i don't think.
I can't believe I'm sinking this low again though.

If you loved me, you wouldn't let me go.

When all those you love shun you
Turn their backs on you
Leave you in tears
Alone with your fears

When all those that you know
Turn away and go
Make you want to cry
And you wonder "why?"

When you look at me now
And you wonder how
I can turn my heart to stone
Know that I've been spurned

Well, now I'm so tired. It's 8am, and Nalini has had me up since 7. Wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't been on the computer talking to Adam until 3am...

I'm so sleepy - mum's falling asleep in the chair, and I keep yawning.

I've not seen 8am for weeks... this is *yawn* ... yeah....

I think I'm gonna cram some chocolate down my neck and pray for energy!
I called Arron last night... and he's promised to come see me sometime this week... but I doubt he will.
If/when he does, I think we need to talk. This whole 'being ignored' stuff is driving me fucking NUTTS!
If he's too busy for me, then this relationship is over.

It's not even that I like someone else (which I kinda do), it's the fact that he's never effin THERE. He isn't interested in my problems, because he's got his own. I'm not important.

You know what - fuck him!
I'm sick of his bullshit.

There's some actualy nice guys out there, and I've been lucky enough to meet some of them. Why am I hung up on this asshole who has no time for me?

Ok, I know the answer to that. Arron makes feel whole when we're together. He holds my hand, and kisses me so often - and his hugs are awesome... but I need more than that. I need someone I can talk to, someone who wants to talk to me. I could deal with the distance issue if I just got to talk to him more... but he's always 'busy'...

I can't deal with it, and maybe I shouldn't have to deal with it either.

I mean, yeah, when I start back in sixth form, I'm gonna have very little time anyway - but I'd make time for him... and theres some people I will be making time for.

I can't stop complaining, because I can't stop feeling like I'm about to die from this pain he's causing.
There's one person who helps lately, who helps me to forget. Who I can actualy be honest with, be myself with. I don't know if he feels the same though, and I just want to be friends with him at the moment.
Okay, friends with privelages ... but deffinately not a full blown relationship.
I don't think I'm ready for a proper relationship anyway.

I want a hug so bad right now.
Oh well.

Speak to you soon xx

I'm sat about listening to my fave classical tracks atm.
I'm missing everyone - since I've issolated myself yet again.

It hurts to even think about Arron.

I'm tired of life atm.
Not in the "I want to die" way
Just the - I wish I could sleep for a week or so - way
Or have somehting meaning full happen...

I'm tired of me.
I'm tired of who I'm trying to be.
I'm tired of who I am.

*Sings* I'm tired... tired of being admired...

gotta love blazing sadles...


I'm gonna lay down now and think happy thoughts... or maybe go get the phone and call my bf.
The ass hole.

Trying not to cry, and at the same time, I know I couldn't cry if I tried. It's very strange.

I'm just tired.

Gotta love the snoopy

Feel kinda sick today.

Went so low last night that I went and took my fluoxitine. It must be helping - if only a little.

My period started a day or so ago too - which is weird, because I'm on the pill - and shouldn't start my period till next week.

See? even my body is fucked up!

I started feeling sick last night actualy - though I don't know why.

Spoke to Stuart - got upset with Arron - hugged my pillow to fall asleep - couldn't cry.

It's as if all my tears have dried up, and I can't cry anymore.

I don't want to be this sad all the time.
Atleast I can cope better on these 'happy pills'...

Oh well *hugs*

blessed be
xx lauren

*yawn*

soooo bored!!

I can't be bothered to do this room right now.

I need something to do....

"Oh Arrrooooonnn!!"

haha

nah