[Sophia]'s diary
Wih, I had my filling today - was shaking with fear, but I did really well. Didn't complain when it hurt, didn't try running away or anything
I can't feel a difference, but it's kinda silvery if I look in the mirror with my mouth wide open (not something I'm accustomed to).
Anyway, so I've got a bit further with my room; we're going to skeggy tomorow with the kiddies; I've got loads of energy; my doc's given me more of the same drugs, and life is just cruisin along nicely.
I'm still thinking about Aza alot, but not so much since he's stopped texting me back.
I'm feeling so good.
Things can only get better :D
Blessed Be
xx Lauren xx
pinched this off [deamon90002004]
*a girls first time*
(Assume you are a girl if you are a boy)
It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him
off for a while searching for an excuse, but he
;refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first
time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks
deeply within your eyes
and tells you to trust him - he's done this many
times before. His cool
smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him
;more room for an easy
entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his
time, wanting to cause you as little pain as
possible. As he presses
;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give
way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the slight trickle of
blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
painful.Your eyes are
filled with tears but you shake your head and nod
for him to go on. He
begins going in and out with skill but you are
now too numb to feel him
within you. After a few moments, you feel
something bursting within you and
he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to
have it over. He looks
at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with
chuckle; that you have been
his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your
dentist. After all,it was your first time to have
a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
What were you thinkin' ?
PERVERT
I know what you were thinking!!
Hahahaha!! Just read that wrong!
The 'Blocks' link... I so just saw it as Bolocks!
I'm sooo tired!
I've been doing my room for two days now, and it's only half done
*Yawn*
Okay, the half that's done is practicaly perfect; but it's just sooo much hard work.
I decided to do a total revamp, and sort everything out. Wardrobe, boxes, chests... everything.
My wardrobe and chest of drawers are done... the rest is a biiiig old heap in the middle of the floor lol
I've got to go sort my washin out in a mo.
Can't be bothered like... but hey!
Gotta move my lil telly off mum+dad's bed too.
And clean the kitchen.
Gosh, I'm sooo tired.
I totaly can't be bothered!
Oh well. Nevermind. Atleast I didn't have any major distractions today (Arron) lol!
I'm off anywho... chattin to some people in my break :P
It's nearly 10pm like... but hey!
My god! Last night was incrediable.
I'd never orgasmed before, let alone only from talking to someone.
It was crazy!
Me and Arron were just textin eachother, and we were being kinda... insinuating and stuff... and then that. Wow.
Okay, so you don't really want to be reading about how I totaly came while in bed. I'm just still on a bit of a high/hyperness from it.
Thats also the first time all of my myrad dreams have revolved around him. I'm dieing to see him.
He's in Grantham later today - and let me tell you, the thought is driving me mad! That I may not see him is just... torture. But I'm half expecting not to see him at all.
I've been trying so hard for the last hour to think about something other than him, but nooo, can't do that.
Not when the last 40 txts on my phone are from him.
Goddess I love him.
He's so perfect; he makes me feel perfect.
I'm waiting for the light levels to increase a little more before I get stuck in with my room.
I reckon if I try hard enough, I could have it nearly done by tomorow.
Ofcourse, I've got all under my desk, 2 chest of drawers, and a corner to empty out... but hey!
My wardrobe is done - and that's the biggest step or all!!
Since I have so much room in there, I may put a few of my boxes in the top of my wardrobe... Not sure yet though.
I'm considering re-arranging some of the stuff in my wardrobe before I get started today aswell.
I keep thinking about what to do if Arron pops round while I'm still doing my room.
I'm in scruffs (since I'm doing my washing atm), my rooms a disaster area...
Oh well, lets just see what happens
Right, I'm going to take a nice deep breath, check my emails, and head off.
Blessed Be
xx Lauren xx
Okay, I've slept on it, and now I'm really pissed.
Not just at Aza, at me.
I'm not the sort of person who can stand sitting around and waiting. Yet that's what I've been doing. Waiting for him to be free, waiting for him to call me.
I mean it! This is not who I am. I'm the sort of person who gets out there and does something.
Or I was. Until I became this fucking HERMIT!
I'm so sick of myself. Of what I've become.
Maybe these pills have finaly kicked in or something, but I feel like such a moron!
How could I have let myself become this?
That's what's really pissing me off. I'm just a shell of the person I once was; and it drives me nutts!
I mean, yeah, I always had a messy bedroom. I always liked being in small groups and stuff. But I was always out DOING something! This sitting on the computer all day drives me crazy.
But I no longer have the confidence to go out. I don't know who I am anymore.
That sounds stupid, but it's true. I mean, am I the biker girl? Or the girly girl? Or... or what??
I just have totaly lost my own identity.
I isolated myself for so long that I didn't have to have an identity. I was me... sometimes... and it never mattered.
I don't have any real friends. I haven't let myself have any.
The people I call friends don't know me, and aren't there for me; because I don't let them be.
I've pushed everyone away from me so much that I have no one left.
I've managed to fool myself that I'm doing the right thing.
But I can't kid myself anymore.
I wish that I was just numb still so I didn't have to feel this. So I didn't have to face the fact that I've pretty much done everything I could to ruin this life.
It's going to take so long to rebuild.
Sure, I never 'self harmed'. I never sliced my wrists... but I did something just as bad. I broke everything in my world, and now I've left myself peices to pick up, and not enough super glue to fix it all.
It's like when you get into a temper tantrum and smash stuff in your room, then you calm down and go "NO!! That was my favourite CD!! Why did I do that??"
I had 5 years of smashing my life to bits. How many will it take to even get it fixed?
10? 20?
The first step has to be to stop lieing to myself.
I've decided, even if I lie to other people, I've GOT to stop lieing to myself.
No more pretending this is ok.
No more waiting for it to fix it's self.
I'm so scared that I wont be able to though.
I'm scared it's too big a job, and I don't know where to start. Or who can help.
The only people I can turn to don't really understand.
Mum? She tries to take control, and while I want that right now, I know I can't do that. I've got to fix this, not get mummy to tell me what to do.
Arron? We barely talk, let alone talk about important things.
Kiran?
I just don't see how anyone is supposed to help.
All my friends, they know the me that I am now. They don't know who I am. They don't know the real me; and most of them don't care.
That sounds callus, but it's not me being pesimistic. The fact is, people have their own problems, they don't need a friend going "I don't know who I am, and you don't know me"
It's just ... stupid.
I'm still trying to sort my head out - and all I seem to do is get into this spiral of pain, doubt and anger.
I'm going to have to break it. I've just got to work out how.
I feel calmer now; a lot calmer.
I think I'm going to try cleaning my room.
Fresh start, clean start... maybe it'll help.
I want to see Arron. I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok.
I want to be able to tell him what's wrong. I just don't seem to be able to.
It's as if he's my escape. I don't have to think about my problems when I'm with him.
It's just that they hit me hard afterwards.
He makes me feel happy - but I know in my heart that it's not real happiness. It's content; and my escapism coming out.
It's just that Arron has his own problems, and I don't want to add to them. I don't want to be a burden.
Your boyfriend is supposed to be someone you can tell anything. Someone who helps you through life. I don't think Arron is that.
Maybe I just don't let him be that.
I really don't know.
I don't know if he could handle it.
I think he could, but I don't know for sure.
I think the thing is, I don't want him to have to handle it.
I should ask him. I should ask him if he wants to know the truth... the real me. Ask him if he wants to know what's really wrong with me.
If he says 'yes', then I'll gloss over it maybe.
If he says 'Of course I do!', then I'll probably tell him the truth.
I just don't know if I'll manage either asking him, or telling him.
I'm not dealing well with this, and I'm having a weird flashback/deja vu... and it's confusing the hell out of me.
I want to run away.
I want to just go - away - alone. That's not true, I want someone to take me away. I want someone to want to take me with them, just us. I want to feel loved. Right now I feel neglected, abandoned, betrayed.
I don't even know why!
I couldn't explain it even if I tried.
I just want to sleep; and never wake up.
This deep pain will fade soon though. I'll make it fade back into the receses of my mind. Push it away.
My heart can bleed all it wants - I wont feel it tomorow.
I hope you're feeling better than this. I wish no-one else ever has to feel this way.
Blessed be
Lauren x
I feel so stupid.
How could I not see how much more I loved him than he loved me.
TJ told me, he warned me Arron had his prioroties screwed up.
But god damn it, I love him. I can't love him any less than this! I can't go - ok - you don't love me that much, I'll stop loving you a bit.
It doesn't work.
Why do I wanna see him so much, and he can go "Oh, well I'm kinda busy."
I was honestly considering dropping out of Lucy's birthday party to go be with him; and he turns round and says "I want to meet my sister. I've not seen her in 11 years".
Well you're sister is living less than half a mile away from me! Why can't you spend a little tiny bit of time with me that day too??
Maybe I'm being selfish, but you would not believe how much this hurts.
He's the only thing I think of day and night. I miss him with every fiber of my being; and he can just turn round and say he doesn't think he'll see me. Like it's nothing.
Like if he did see me, it would be like giving a dog a bone.
He means everything to me, and it feels like I mean nothing to him.
I know he's kinda scared of major commitment like kids and marriage, but so am I. I'm not asking to marry him ffs! I just wanna see him for an hour, maybe two.
I guess thats just too much to ask though.
The main reason I want to get a 125, and pass my CBT is so I could go see him. Maybe I really don't know him though.
Maybe he really has changed too much. I feel like... like he doesn't care.
Like he's stringing me along.
I want to say "I know he's not though. I'm just over reacting. He's tired, he's the sort of bloke who gets tunnel vision. He didn't mean to sound like he didn't care, he was falling asleep ffs! He noticed I was well quiet, kept asking if I was ok and how my day was."
But I also want to say "You stupid idiot. The signs have been there all along. TJ noticed, Sasha noticed, but you refused to acknowledge it. You wouldn't let yourself see what an ass he can be. You made excuses, and you still do. You try to make him seem perfect, when you know damn well there's bits of him you don't like!"
Then again, part of me just says "Go to sleep. Stop worrying. Just sleep ffs, you're knakered."
So that last bit is the bit I'm going to listen to.
I can't stand more tears. I can't try and work this all out in my head, because I know I don't have the full story; and if I keep it up, I know I'll end up crying and thinking that he's inlove with some other girl who's pretty, has amazing eyes, is funny and irresistable, and who he can't stop thinking about.
Part of me is sure I'm making her up completely, and part of me is positive he's working with her!
How ghey is that??
Anyway, I was in floods of tears and had to let this out some way - and my jaw has locked shut for the time being.
So this little rant has helped.
I'm going to go to sleep now, or atleast to bed. Let my unconcious decide how I feel, because I sure as hell can't.
All I know is - love can really fucking hurt!
Blessed be
Lauren x
I have this guy! I'm so lucky!
OK, the word "oops" comes to mind.
How was I supposed to know I'd still have feelings for her??
I mean, come on! I hated her, she's a bitch - yet she drives me wild!
I came so close to making an ass of myself.
I'm lucky I have the kind of self control I do; otherwise that could have been a total mess.
It wouldn't have been an issue if she'd have been in more that a t-shirt and high socks.
But then she goes "I have such great legs" and shows them all the way to the top. I mean - come on!
The way she does that whole 'hurt and broken' thing - it just makes me want to wrap her in my arms and show her what real love can be.
You know you've got it bad when you want to kiss everything better for a girl, and I mean kiss everywhere better.
Resisting running a hand up those great legs was mild torture.
But then I'd think of Arron, and that just made things worse. Because every time I think of him I get so horny and lonely.
It's not the same feeling with Arron and her though. With her I just want to make her feel better. Want her to feel loved. Want to love her.
With Arron - it's bliss. It's like the slightest touch shoots fire into the place he touches me, and sets this lustfull fire going between my legs.
When I see him, I can't resist running into his arms. I nearly jumped out a moving car to get to him the other day - but mum pulled me back in until we'd stopped.
With Arron, its more than wanting him to feel loved, more than wanting to love him. It's absolute love for him, it's wanting to stay with him always, it's knowing he feels the same. I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me, the little things he says.
What I feel for Arron makes the feelings for her look like... mild friendship; if that!
He's perfect.
He's great.
He's not got 'great legs' - he's simply great in every way.
I just wish he wasn't so far away all the time.
Well, rant over
Blessed be
xx lolly xx
Damn it
Damn it all to hell!
I'm feeling so shit!
I just wanna cry, and there's nothing I can do.
Stupid thing is, I can't cry.
How ghey is that?
I just can't cry.
I miss Arron way too much.
Way, way, waaaayy too much.
And all I can think is - we'll never bee together. Never.
And that hurts so god damn much!
I just want to be with him, is that too much to ask??
Apparently so!
It's funny really, Sasha's telling me about her life, and it seems so... trivial.
I don't know why, it just does.
I can't stand this pain.
I may die without him.
I've considered getting on my push bike and going to south witham. To him.
Maybe there's a bus?
I'm supposed to go to Rosie's party tonight and 'have a good time'.
But how can I have a good time if he's not there?
My brother and nephew are downstairs.
I should go see them.
I just don't want to atm. I wanna stay here.
I wanna cry. I want Arron.
Why do we have to be apart all the time?
It hurts so much.
And I hate that it hurts this much.
I'm not supposed to feel for him this much.
He isn't the one.... or is he?
I don't know.
I can't live without him.
That much I know.
Maybe if I set out now, I'd get to the OK diner by 10...
6 hours... should be enough time to walk there!
Ugh, but I have to pick beth up and take her to Rosies party.
It probably wouldn't take 6 hours to walk actualy.
It's like... 10... 15 miles right?
I can walk that!
The thing is, I shouldn't walk that.
I should wait.
I'm always god damn waiting.
I don't want to wait any more.
I want to hold him in my arms.
Say that I walk 3 miles an hour... that's about 4 hours walk... so, if I walked a little faster... maybe only 3 hours?
I want a motorbike so I can just... go.
Just go to him.
If I went by push bike... thats... um... *thinks* 1... maybe 2 hours?
If I could ride for that long, I would be there now.
Maybe if I start riding more... then I'd be able to get on a bike and go there.
It's only down the A1 after all!!
Ok. I seriously need some other focus in my life.
I can't concentrate at all.
I'm shocked I managed to get through my assesment.
Totally shocked.
I have to decide what to wear tonight too.
Ugh.
Girly stuff - what a pile of crap!
I don't want to dress up, I want to be in my scruffs, with Arron.
I need to stop obsessing about him.
I really do.
I have a very obsessive/adic
It's bad. Very bad.
Still.
I love him.
I love him more than I knew I could.
I think he loves me too.
Like... seriously loves me.
All I know is, I have got to chill.
I've got to stop missing him this much.
I'll never function if I keep this up.
Just push the pain way down and stamp on it.
Like everything else. Just push it away.
Live, Lauren, live... then love.
It doesn't work the other way round.
I'm going to start doing exercises to try and get my mind off him. I know I am.
Maybe it'll do me some good.
I hope so.
Blessed be
Lauren xx
A- Damn good in bed.
B- fun when it comes to meeting new people.
C- you believe in love
D- You have trouble trusting people.
E- you have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you
G- Love is something you deeply believe in.
H- You have very good personality and looks.
I- You have a big warm heart.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You have a nice ass.
M- You never let ppl tell you what to do
N- One of the best in bed.
O- You love foreplay
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- People think you are so sexy.
S-You have a big heart
T -You are one of the best in bed.
U- You are really layed back.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded
X- Success comes easily to you
Y- One of the hardest gangsters alive
Z- you are really a closet gay
hehe, this is good fun.
Don't know why I like it so much - but hey!!
L- You have a nice ass.
A- Damn good in bed.
U- You are really layed back
R- People think you are so sexy.
E- you have a nice ass.
N- One of the best in bed.
S-You have a big heart
O- You love foreplay
P- You are popular with all types of people.
H- You have very good personality and looks.
I- You have a big warm heart.
A- Damn good in bed.
have fun
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going to see arron :D:D:D:D
WOOO!!
so happy :)
spendin the day with him at his grandparents house.
cant wait to see him
Miss him soo much!
woo!!
Damnit.
I spoil everything before it's even started!
I'm not made for this whole "realtionship" crap.
If at first you don't succeed
Try, try again.
If after that, you still don't succeed
Consider giving up.
This is my advice to the world at large.
You have to know when to keep going, and when to give up.
Goddess knows I never know where that line is, but maybe you do.
Anywho
Blessed be
xx
I'm having what Jason referes to as "Womanly Urges".
In other words, I'm horny; I'm in the mood to jump my boyfriend, drag him to bed, chain him up and take advantage of him.
Yeah, I have a bit of a kinky streak, but hey!
I read this post that said "If you had me locked in your bedroom for 24hours, what would you do with me?"
God my imagination's gone mad!
This is one of the problems with having an amazing imagination. Positions, bodyparts, tongues, actions... goddess I could go on forever.
Plus, I have the type of imagination where I can imagine how things will feel... and seriously, I wish I could stop!
Mouths, hands, skin... it's all just whirling around in my head; and I'm seriously in need of Arron right now.
This is so not the sort of thing I usualy post, and Kiran - I'm very very sorry. This is highly imapropriate.
But if I could think about anything other than sex right now, I would talk about something else.
Honestly, Dad was talking about switching my desk back into the sofa bed. If I had the sofa bed, when Arron came over... well...
Then, ofcourse, we're going for our bike assesments on Saturday - and just thinking about having that much power between my legs... well... like I say.
All I want right now....
Okay, I promise I'll stop now.
I'll try.
I'm trying.
I'm honestly trying not to picture my boyfriend naked; it's just a bit hard right now - like part of him is in my imagination...
Okay, sorry; I'll really stop now.
*sigh* I have nothing else to talk about really.
All I can think of is Arron.
It's terrible.
I'm totaly obsessed now.
Absolutely obsessed.
I keep looking at the clock thinking "Is he home yet?"
He's back in Grantham for a little while on Monday.
I hope he gets the day off work so I can see him.
Hopefully I'll be able to stay off jumping him.
Bless; Tweak asked if I have a boyfriend.
The words "hell yes" came to mind. Like I could um and ah about that when he's all I can think about!
I'm so desperate to see him.
When some one is all you can think about, and haunts your dreams, it's kinda hard to not be desperate to see them.
I may actualy die if I don't see him soon.
How sad is that?
It's true though. I can feel it.
I'm so in love; it's sick.
I best go before I start being rude again.
Blessed be!
xx Lauren xx
I'm low again today.
Dunno why.
I'm hopin that it's nothin. Just pickin up on Mum really.
I think I'd like to see Arron right this minute. I'd REALLY like to see him. Hold him.
He always makes me feel better.
I'm lucky to have him really.
Really lucky.
I really need to learn some shit soon.
This is a bit too much.
Blessed Be
xx Lolly xx
It's as if I can see the circle turning around me.
Sasha giving birth, Mum and dad's friends dieing.
The maiden, the Mother and the Crone all seem to gather round me, and no one else notices.
How odd.
It's strange for me that I don't really fear death anymore. It's become something - I don't know - to look forwards to? But not until it's time.
I've accepted that life ends, and that's ok. I know its sad to loose people that you love, but thats ok too.
I feel suddenly very connected to the world; and its both calming and terrifying at the same time.
I enjoy my 'big picture' moments. When I can just step back from everything and see whats real. I never remember afterwards what IS real though.
Strange, isn't it?
I can't quite explain this sensation of peace.
I hope it lasts for a hwile this time.
Blessed be
xx Lauren xx
I spoke to him for hours on the phone last night.
It's no good though. Unless I have him in my arms I still miss him.
Sometimes it feels as if my whole world is crashing down around me, and I lost my life saver.
It's as if I've lost part of myself - because he is part of me.
He's my heart.
I try not to miss him so much, but I can't help it.
Everything reminds me of him.
And if it doesn't, I think of him anyway.
It's like the poem on the english block wall.
"Everything has your touch, your memory.
And if I go some place where you never trod
I cry "There is no memory of him here"
And so think of you again."
Or words to that effect.
I forget.
I forget so much that I ought not, and remember what serves me little use.
I understand so well the feeling of loss now. Though I have not lost him, I still ache for his presence abundantly.
If he could only be with me for a moment, maybe I would believe again; believe that we will be together someday.
Now we must wait, while he works and I study.
We've waited so long though. Years we went without one another, and see how that never severed the ties?
Our bond is deep, but our love has to suffer these long partings.
Partaking in our love has always been easy, but time together dwindles too often.
Too quickly.
Even apart, we grow alike. Absence only feeds this fire more, until the burning is unbearable. Until the thought of you devours my entire being, engulfing it, never to be quenched.
I could drown in you and never quench this fire.
Erotic thoughts of you half break my heart.
The picture of your smile makes it bleed with yearning.
At night, I sleep in the memory of your arms.
The thought of your lips keeps me going through the day; waiting for our next embrace.
Home is with you, wherever you go; because you carry my heart with you.
I gave it to you with my body and soul; and though I have your heart with me, I need you to be whole again.
I miss you more than words can say.
You're the air that I breath, the food I eat, the sweetness I drink. You are my everything.
I don't know how I live without you.
Ugh, I'm in such a bad mood today. Everything is stressing me out way too much!!
My head hurts too which doesn't help things.
I want to just have a hug off Arron and fall asleep - but that's too much to ask from life.
Life which constantly pulls my boyfriend away from me.
Sometimes I really hate him for that.
I just need him here now. I was glad he was away while I got over the first bit of my depression, but now I realy need his love and his support.
I'm pissed off at my parents all the time.
I'm sick of Sasha now.
I can't stand this anymore. I need him ffs!
It's too hot today, that's probably why I feel so shit.
Still, I just want to get out of here, see him, be happy for once in my god forsaken life!!
Goddess, why do I feel this crap?
I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest. If it weren't on the right hand side, I'd think it was my heart.
I think I'm going to fill my water bottle up, get on my bike, and ride for a little while.
It's not like I can go that far, or that fast, but I just want to go.
I think I'll walk sasha home, then ride around for a few mins and head home.
Home.
This isn't home.
Home is where I make my home.
I need somewhere to call my home...
I need someone to make my home with...
Is that too much to ask?
Maybe.
I can feel myself just sinking into all the crap again. Everything that makes me feel shit just seems to have piled up on me again. Why can't I just let go of all this shit?
I just need... I don't know what I need.
Sleep maybe.
I'm deffinately going for a bath sometime today.
Salt bath.
Luke warm bath, and a book, and a notepad and pen, and just comfyness.
No more thinking about mum, or dad, or Arron, or Sasha, or any of that shit.
Just the water, the ink, and the paper.
Just me, just chilled.
(yeah, like that'll ever happen. I can't turn off my brain
)
Mum's cooking atm.
I'm so argumentative.
I can't help it, I just... feel shit I guess.
MEH!!!
I wanna feel better 
Meh.
I'm going to go... see if I can cheer up.
Blessed Be
I'm so confused.
Last night, Will said he loved me, and I said it back.... does that mean I'm cheatin on my boyfriend??
I don't even know if I love either of them or not anymore.
My head is so messed up.
I'm finding it really hard to understand my own feelings at the minute. I can't tell if I love someone or not, I can't tell if I'm happy or sad, I can't even tell when I'm hungry or not!!
I wish it would all just... I don't know... be clear for once.
You know? Just - you like this person. Or something.
I don't know.
There's this huge history between me and Will, and I barely understand most of it...
I loved him... I hated him... he was my bestfriends lover for a time... he was mine for a time... he helped me through the darkest moment in my life... but I don't know how I feel about him.
I don't know how I feel about Arron either.
Yes, when I'm with him we have fun, and he makes me feel on top of the world... but the rest of the time... I dunno. Right now I don't actualy think I love him.
I just want him to be my friend... maybe friend with privaledges. I love that we have the tittle 'boyfriend and girlfriend'... but I don't think we really fullfill that role for each other. We're barely aware of what's happening in each others lives, we're not there for each other. To me, thats what lovers are for. Not just physical love, but emotional support.
We don't give each other that.
I guess the biggest thing holding me back from Will is trust. He tells me stuff, and they seem so far fetched... I'm never sure whether to believe him or not. I try to take everything with a pinch of salt... but still. It can be hard.
Plus I'm of the oppinion that long distance relationships just don't work.
*sigh* I don't know what to do, so I'm doing nothing, and that feels like the wrong thing to do too.
For the past two or three years, I've been living my life for others. Doing and being what and who people wanted me to be. Now I'm not sure who I am.
Lately, I've just been the friend Sasha needed. The rest has just kinda... fallen into the background.
Hopefully I'll get my head sorted soon.
It'd be so nice to just... not feel this way.
To be better.
I'm trying to start some kind of exercise regime to build my strength back up. I feel so weak and useless.
I've had nearly a year of next to no exercise, so you can imagine how out of shape I am.
I'd like to loose a bit of my 6 stone exess weight too.
Not all 6 stone - that's stupid - but a little of it. I think it'd make me feel a bit better.
I'm now 15 1/2 stone, and it gets to me at times.
People always tell me I don't look like I'm that big, which is nice to know, but I'm still carrying about 150N force extra around with me at all times.
It's like carrying really heavy bags all the time, it must put my body under a lot more strain than it needs.
I'm hoping to cycle some more. I'll probably start with the exercise bike in the hallway. It's not as hard work as going up hills and stuff. Plus I can stop anytime I need to without having to pedal all the way home.
I'm also thinking of going rock climbing at the leisure center too. That would be awesome.
See, I love to climb, but I still have a bit of a fear of heights. It's nothing like what it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to start climbing, conqour my fears.
I'm trying to expand my mind too.
I've got my usual crappy books from the library, but I've also got "War and Peace" out. I don't know how I'll do with it, but I really want to give it a try.
I'm also going to start reading some more Jane Austin, and maybe the brontes... My Stephen King phase is more or less over... but I'm planning on reading more of the classics. We've got enough of them round the house.
I've been trying to write this song too, but it's totaly gone now. The one line and rift are gorgeous... I'm dieing to find the rest of the song... but I'll just have to wait I guess.
Maybe if I sort myself out first, all my relationship problems will just fall into place. I hope so.
I'm going to try tidying my room tomorow too.
Clean, fresh, new start.
Thats what I need now.
Anyway,
Blessed be
xx Lauren xx