Warning: Read at your own risk...
Current mood: distressed
Damn everything sucks...
I seriously feel like the lowest piece of shit right now, and I KNOW things are just going to get worse.
To start with, I'm losing my best friend, Clare, all because I am a selfish bitch. I've been leaving her lately for Jen and a group of other fucked up ppl when Clare really needs me. I feel like shit, but its not ALL my fault. Sorry to say this Clare, but you tie me down sometimes. I know you may think that you're not when you say its alright, but it really just makes me feel guilty, and so I feel trapped in you and myself. I can never win. And it seems like its so akward now since we NEVER talk, and all you do is mostly complain about stuff or wish how your life could be better. Well mine sucks too, and I want to help with yours, but it seems close to impossible right now. And all that its really doing is putting more weight on my heart. You know me Clare, and you know that I care ALOT about you. Prolly more than you know, and prolly more than I should. And dont believe for a second that I dont. Cause I do. But its just hard since I have problems of my own right now.
And as for Brianna, I sorry, but I really CANNOT stand her right now. I've put up with her shit for far too long. This has to stop sometime. I tried to deal with her constant constant nagging, complaining, hitting, yelling, stubborness, meaness, ruedness, but I cant do it. I just cant. She has driven me so far lately, that I dont think we could ever go back. I dont WANT to go back. I know that she's been there for me since 6th grade, but its too much now. I REFUSE to be around her any longer. And Brianna, if you're reading, Im sorry I couldnt tell this to you personally. But this has to stop.
Moving on, there's my family in general. They are driving me fucking nuts!! My father and my sister are perfectly fine, but my brother, mother, and other sister are clinically IN-FUCKING-SAN
I find myself not being able to take anymore of anyone's shit. I've had enough. Everyone has taken away my happiness and crushed it, smashed it, torn it, ect. and replaced it with hate, anger and sadness. Is everyone happy now?! Now that Im a total wreak just for your own selfish greed?? I hope so because Im tired of it!! T-I-R-E-D of it!!
And to top all this misery off, my dumbass brother got into a car accident in my MOTHER'S car. It may have been the other driver's fault, but he could have taken his friend's car to go get some pills or booze or whatever instead of my mothers!! He never even ASKED for the vehicle!!!!!! That fuckass!!! >_< I am pissed beond pissed right now. And now my mother is upset because I accidently said that my brother's gotten into an accident before. Now my mother says that we may not win the case in court. Fuck this is gay. We're gonna end up broke and angry again. Yes, I said AGAIN. This is not the first time we have been in a tight situation. I have been through more shit than anyone could ever imagine, and my life will only see more of it in the VERY near future. I hate the future! I hate it!!
I live every day thinking about the future and what it has in store for me. I cannot help but to feel the pang of saddness whenever I think about it. I don't want to see whats to become of me. I dont want any of it. But what can I do? The future is inevitable, and Im just a pawn in the fucked up game of life. And then I question about my wants FOR life. I think about letting it all go somedays. But then I realize that there could be worse, and that we'll pull through this. But I've spent my entire life fighting for life and for the possibility of having a future. But I dont wanna fight anymore. Im so broken now, and its not fair. Im far too young to have these horrid experiences. But what can I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And I hate that feeling. The feeling of being worthless. Being hopeless. It makes me sick inside, and it makes me feel guilty for existing. And when it all comes down to it, [as much as I HATE to admit it], Im deadly scared of whats going to happen. Im scared for my life about how slim my chances are and how they will effect me. Also, Im scared for what will happen to my family. As much as I resent them, I still care about them no matter what. Im scared of what will happen to my friends and their issues and how they might fade away with time. I dont like to feel so weak, but right now, I dont give a damn. Im lost and confused, and theres nothing you can do to help me. So dont try. I need to do this on my own right now.
To anyone who actually read any of this, im sorry for putting you through hell.
--->Ismel<----
Happy 4th of July.