I was wrong....love never treats me right. I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF GIVING MY HEART AND IT BEING SHATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!! With Matthew Micheal Moon and Ian Thomas Coates, Jackie Lavonne Nichols...so tired. so tired...*closes eyes to sleep and prays to never awaken*

These solutions, these problems refuse to give me a break. My life is a living hell. A life of a rollercoaster, never knowing what will happen next, what will occur.

I am shaken with fear and confusion. Shaken from the inside out. A shiver that comes from deep within my bones. A fear that will not subside.

I feel the fury rise to my head. I hear my heartbeat in my ears. I have a 'tick' within my mind, waiting to explode. fI feel myself going insane...it's only a matter of time,a matter of how long I can survive this living hell of mine...

I was wrong. Love has crossed my path once more. That unbelievable feeling in your gutt when you hear their voice. The skip of a heart beat that now is the pattern of your heart. The love that makes you smile when you think of them, would go across the world to be with them. The love that I thought I would never experience again. I hear that I am beautiful instead of hot. I am finally understood and accepted for who I am and who I will become. I am finally treated with respect,compassion and understanding. This love I will hang on to. I am the LUCKIEST woman in the world...

I don't understand. This pain, this hurt, will not go away. I have cried my eyes out until they have become swollen...my tears will no longer pour. My heart is shattered. My soul is afraid to let go. My pain runs through out my entire body...not just my soul and heart. To whom am I to confide in now? To whom am I to love once more? To whom am I going to ever make feel beautiful and happy? To whom can I give this love to? This love that was thrown away so suddenly?

The guy I loved and gave my heart and soul to, told me that he didn't really ever love me that he only went with me because he thought it would make me happy. How am I suppose to remain friends when betrayed to such an extent as that? Am I just suppose to act like everything is fine and that my heart doesn't bleed through the busted stitches? Why does love go so wrong for me? What have I done to deserve this pain and anguish time and time and time again? Why is it that when I love someone I always loose it, whether or not they leave my life, die, break my heart, never loved me from the get go? I just don't understand. I put my heart and soul into every realtionship and tell myself over and over again this is someone new, maybe they won't hurt you too....only for me to be telling myself something false. It is to the point where I am unable to love. I am so afraid of being heartbroken...I have now gone completely numb...perhaps I will never feel again.

You decieved me,
You lied to me,
yet you still want to remain friends.
How am I capable of such tolerance?
How am I to swallow the hurt?
You were my missing piece to my puzzle.
You completed me.
But that puzzle crumbled once more.
So much for a completion of me...

God life has been living HELL lately. Everyone and everything that I love, I loose somehow, someway. What have I done wrong? It's like I'm totally disant from everybody else like I'm not like them...well of course I'm not but still. I make promises that I tend to keep, but so much shit happens I can't do the thing s I promised right then and there or when I said I would. I am expected to do so much and love so much...but after your heart is broken over and over again...you finally loose that capability to love like you once did. I have tried so hard to please everyone else around me that I don't bother to take care of myself. What am I suppose to do?????? Where do I go from here?????? What is my path????