4-29-05
i finallydecided fuck this shit.no longer will i shed tears over lost love, because i refuse to put myself in another self loathing hole. ill put 'her' in there instead, with the other ones, and if yet another happens my way,.....well then i might need a bigger hole. well its pretty easy to tell that the 'her' i spoke previosly was yet another false hope. another fucking wolf in sheeps wool, slowing easing her self, closly towards my heart, telling me of the 'sweet nothings', hiding her devious intentions of ripping my heart into yet an even smaller fragment of what it already is. the true intentions of feeding on my blood to better ones self temperarely. dont be confused by the date of these feelings, as they my be but two weeks old, they are most definately not simply forgotten,........... and neither is our 'love' nor our memories. no matter how well i may conceal it they are not gone. hey ''conceal nothing and watch the fools search forever'' righth? well '' conceal every thing, like a fool and never be found............

4-14-05
     "This Is Risk?"

I, once lost but recently found,
I lacked direction, permanently downed,
barely made it struggled intake,
my new found love, still blood at stake,
all is glum, internal fear,
my screaming thoughts silence, when _____ is near........

3-20-05
well first things,as the oh so cliched saying goes, first. spring was awesome! i ve had sooooo much fun! we took a 4 day trip to the beach. we went to the beach in galvestin(spelling?) but it was cold and rainy. so in the morning we drove farther south to corpis cristy, awesome place, great sights, but no good public beaches so we kept heading south. soon enough we found our selves in san padre island. awesomer place! we went swimming there and was finally warm! but the best was that my beccabear went with us on the trip. it was so much more fun with her there. but now the rain, all this fun and your not in bed snoring your ass of dreaming of dreams come true? well beccas parents found out that me and her shared a sleeping bag together. her parents came over without notice while i was doing my chores and told me,in some many words, as of now your relationship with becca is over. they told me i couldnt even talk to her at school. when these fell on my now sensitive ears my heart stopped beating. it felt no reason to. but some how i convinced it that i should hold to what i have. with becca. for us. love? yes. the end? not while my heart beats. my mother tried to talk to me but i refused in an emotional rage, she tried force but my lips stayed sealed. untill i let out a string of profanities. all in all and in the end i bruised my nuckles, again, and i stayed at dans house to cool off. i was so down, till my called saying of how spoke to beccas parents, guess what? my hearts still beating.........

3-12-05
what to say, what to say? i love her. kinda scarey. it ha ppened so fast but i dont care cause i love her. she loves me too, i hope. i care about her so much but again fallin upon my greatest weakness, paranoia. the grasp of this weakness of mine is troubling. i tend develop an altered outlook on.... well life and my imagination can get the best of me. i just hope i dont irritate her in any way. see, prime example of paranoia. somehow i must find my once controlled state of mind. too many thoughts processed in one head. the product? well the matter is simple. ????????? that is what is left, even more questions then anyone wants..........................

3-2-05
well here again but not for long? i finally resolved conflict in my life, i found 'her' she brings light to the darkest corners of my soul. its amazing the way she makes me feel. alots happened since ive been here last. almost too much to write, in fact it is, so when im ready for my fingers to fall off from to much fuckin' typing youll know, trust me. au revoir....................

1-1-05
you know ever since our last arguement she seems happier. maybe she read my new dieary and liked what she read. the fact that im done. i dont know. she keeps writeing about how much she loves certain days. she probably doesnt want to write what happens because she knows i can read them. hmmmm.............. you know after our last little fight i thought i could get over her because of what she told me, but then i got back and saw her new pics and they just made me snap. god she is sooooo...... beatiful. she has know idea what she does to me, just her pic can give me chills. god godgodgodgodgogdoddgodgog shes just uhhhhh, man `im so screwed. when she dates luke or who ever im going to be devastated. iiiiiiiiiiii guess ill have to just let her live her new life. -sigh- god how i miss her smileing face. i would give my life just to make her smile one more time, for us, not me. no matter its over now, i lose. i regret all my mistakes. i said alot i shouldnt have. still i cant shake the feeling that nobody can do as much for her as i did. everyone wants sex, but i wanted her, i still do. please god help me change, for you and me. i cant live this way. i want to die but i want to live to the day i can become the better person i need to be to right all the wrongs ive made in her life. shes different and its my fault, jesus save my soul..............

12-31-04
im done no more. i dont understand alot. and thats too much............................

12-17-04
today would have been our anniversary, had i not fucked up , twice. i love her so much, i really do. im gonna be gone for two weeks. i wonder if she remembers what today is. no matter...im gone.....

12-16-04
ive been thinkin. things may seem bad. but not all of life can be that bad if you dont look at everything. look at it as this, something has the power to give and take life from us. huh, i wake up, my eyes are open,im happy,right, should be good enough?why isnt it? why arent we happy to just be awake? i know im not when i wake up. is it because sleep eternal has no consequence? or maybe its where we think we are in control? not my dreams. no, never. just lots of pain replayed. maybe thats why i havent been sleeping much, and when i do i wake constantly to prevent dreams or any chance of good sleep at all. i finally got the balls to call her today. i knew there was a chance i could ve fucked it up bad. but i really missed her sweet and caring voice. i was glad to talk with her. i kinda feel a little better, like i have more control over myself. i think i wanna be a man now................its hard......trust me i did it for a while...................... 

12-15-04 (later that night)
not to worry. my sins have not gone unpunished. ive been marked. he made me do. well, maybe not made me. i came willingly this time. i ve only marked the surface of my palm,to signify where i ve placed my feelings, on the surface. but i cant tell if this is really me. god how i ve fucked my life up. the angels too. sometimes i wonder if would ve been better off without my dark influences. i hate me so bad. sometimes i wonder what i deserve. life maybe? not likely. sometimes i kill myself in my head everyones there, watching me but they dont know. huh, it makes laugh on the inside, yet for some reason it hurts..........

12-15-04
I am ____. i feel too too much. ifeel hate. but towards myself not others. i took an angel and changed her life. i brought her to hell, with me. but it wasnt always this way. i lived in heaven for a time. ive sinned tho. ive been condemned. and no im not a retard, i know how to type, but my feelings and thoughts run to fast for my fingers. no time for formality, right? anyways. i know how to be myself , and maybe be welcomed back,to that once blissful place where i lived. content yet i still fucked it up. i can be this person deserving of my angel but i have a demon in my head. he makes me hurt people. i dont want to but he makes me think i do. i think i need meds. ill know soon enough.  he hurts me. my arms. my hands. i wear one glove. black. it covers my pain. and the marks left by him. oh how i still love that one angel..................

i fell so far down, ill never be up,
while drinking of the devils cup,
and drink i did for it was fine,
tho' i shall pay in due time,