12-17-04
today would have been our anniversary, had i not fucked up , twice. i love her so much, i really do. im gonna be gone for two weeks. i wonder if she remembers what today is. no matter...im gone.....
12-16-04
ive been thinkin. things may seem bad. but not all of life can be that bad if you dont look at everything. look at it as this, something has the power to give and take life from us. huh, i wake up, my eyes are open,im happy,right, should be good enough?why isnt it? why arent we happy to just be awake? i know im not when i wake up. is it because sleep eternal has no consequence? or maybe its where we think we are in control? not my dreams. no, never. just lots of pain replayed. maybe thats why i havent been sleeping much, and when i do i wake constantly to prevent dreams or any chance of good sleep at all. i finally got the balls to call her today. i knew there was a chance i could ve fucked it up bad. but i really missed her sweet and caring voice. i was glad to talk with her. i kinda feel a little better, like i have more control over myself. i think i wanna be a man now...........
12-15-04 (later that night)
not to worry. my sins have not gone unpunished. ive been marked. he made me do. well, maybe not made me. i came willingly this time. i ve only marked the surface of my palm,to signify where i ve placed my feelings, on the surface. but i cant tell if this is really me. god how i ve fucked my life up. the angels too. sometimes i wonder if would ve been better off without my dark influences. i hate me so bad. sometimes i wonder what i deserve. life maybe? not likely. sometimes i kill myself in my head everyones there, watching me but they dont know. huh, it makes laugh on the inside, yet for some reason it hurts.........
12-15-04
I am ____. i feel too too much. ifeel hate. but towards myself not others. i took an angel and changed her life. i brought her to hell, with me. but it wasnt always this way. i lived in heaven for a time. ive sinned tho. ive been condemned. and no im not a retard, i know how to type, but my feelings and thoughts run to fast for my fingers. no time for formality, right? anyways. i know how to be myself , and maybe be welcomed back,to that once blissful place where i lived. content yet i still fucked it up. i can be this person deserving of my angel but i have a demon in my head. he makes me hurt people. i dont want to but he makes me think i do. i think i need meds. ill know soon enough. he hurts me. my arms. my hands. i wear one glove. black. it covers my pain. and the marks left by him. oh how i still love that one angel.........
i fell so far down, ill never be up,
while drinking of the devils cup,
and drink i did for it was fine,
tho' i shall pay in due time,