im in colorado


I think catheryne (my grampas wife) is truely lucky. shes lucky because she belives so much in god. i dont know. i was talking to her today well tonight about god... well i kinda braught up the subject in the way of if somethings ment to happen it will kinda way... well we were talking about how her and my grampa got together... anyway and i told her how i didnt really believe... and she started talking. i was thinking and talking about how i didnt believe and things... kinda why... and it got me thinking alot about it. what i do believe in and things like that. well i remember when i was younger and when i really truely did belive... i would pray crying for god to help me... for him just to tell me to hold on or to do something that would help me to not be so sad and deppressed and i dont know something... id pray for him to take me, for him to take my mother, for him to help me deal with my mother, for him to help me in any way posible... and i remember thinking well ive believed and now im not totaly sure. i remember even before what catherine called "the age of knowlage" i stopped beliveing because id been praying for so long and truely believing and one day i realized that i didnt believe anymore. that if i had to go through this and it hurt me so much that i wanted to kill myself when i was 7 or 8 or even earlyer then how could he let someone so innocent and a true believer be hurt so bad, to not want to live to take hell over living any longer... how could he let her hurt and damage me so bad... i mean soemthing inside me still tells me that i believe even just a little bit but not completely... and now that ice anolized the bible and the stories and things... what people belive and all that, ive found in consistancys.... and one of the biggest things is where did god come from??? i know that there isnt an answer because ive read the bible and ive asked people and ive studied it and things and all people can tell me is theres some things that just cant be answered... some things that god hasnt told us... and alot of other things that ive asked people have told me that.
also id rather not go to church and wear crosses than act like i believe. i think its that i have more respect for the religion then to be like so many that dont truely believe.... i think that non-believers and people that act like they believe but really dont will go to hell anyway... so i think i kinda figured that im damned if i do and damned if i dont... and i think that if there is really a god he understands... and i know that hes waiting if thats my true path... but im not completely sure... humph i dont know..it just all makes me come back to my mother and how i think sometimes that id i had just waited and believed one more day that something would have came out of all my praying... god would have helped me in some way. he would have shown me that yes he is here watchign over me and yes some good will come out of this horrid life.... i just hope that i will find my truth.... maybe when im older... maybe tomarrow i will figure out just what i believe... but i just hope that i have the time to know what i feel is real.

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isnt it funny how when someone dies in highschool or really anywhere else everyone knows that person... someone will tell a long drawn out detailed story about the one time they said hey in the hallways or class... or they just found out that their related to them by their step-dad's cousin's daughter's husband's third cousin twice removed. god damned what has this world came to??? really...
and what about when someone dies.... every year they have a momorial service... when my friends die, i want them to just have fun wherever they are and sometimes ill talk to them.... i would never bring up the death to interupt their sleep... or fun for that matter, just once in a while go and talk to them if that... their watching you they know whats happening.

anyway RIP Dan Shumway
i knew you but i didnt know i knew you until i saw your picture
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my friend and i were talking about why she loves and wants the guy shes with soooo much. she said the she thinks that is because every guys shes ever really hung out with was so into her and the one shes with now isnt. he likes her but he could care less about if they stay together or not. im kinda in the same boat but not even some of the guys i hang out with are in love with me so yeah... anyway i know what shes talking about. and im the one that wont fall in love and wont even like a guy that much...(shes the type that falls in love alot... well as far as i know its been 3 guys but well me about one or two maybe... i dotn think that one of them really counts) anyway i know what shes talking about because of ray but then again ray is a dickwad and i despise him someitmes... and yet i love him soooo.... strainge no clue
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i am drunk right now. i was sitting on my couch eating a peanut butter and fluff sandwitch almost falling asleep and the room was spinning. i wanted to watch daria so i just got up. i was sitting at the same place i am now whit felisha and her boytoy. and we went to jhon's friends place (thats felishas boytoy) and we got so drunk and i wanted to fuck jhons friend and after felisha and jhon had a fight whitch i have an opinion on that whole situation... they wanted to go home and i still wanted to fuck the guy... so felisha wanted to leave me there to get fucked but he didnt want me to stay without felisha... whitch im kinda glad because i dont really wanna fuck anyone that wants felisha and i know that he does... so well yeah i left with felisha and her boytoy and when we got back to my house felisha and i went swimming in my nasty pool and i wasnt as fucked up as her and she was falling all over and letting water out of the pool. and i had to help her get dressed... gerr... anyway im gunna watch daria and go to bed and hope to god that i dont get a hang over!!! night... damn im kinda drunk that ciggarette kinda really helped fuck me up.
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ok... day started out by going to felishas family reunion. i dont know i felt kinda weird.... i dont know but i went swimming and got yet another sun burn on my other sun burn on my back, so that kinda hurts. then when i got felisha we got a ride down to the italian festival whitch i went to last night and was kinda boaring but it was ok... (last night i handed out kisses to hot guys and the socks guys hit on me because i was wearing my TOOL shirt. hehe my bad) but anyway it was closed by the time we got there whitch was dumb because its sunday and dont most things shut down at night it was like late afternoon... anyway so felisha and i went to this bar with this guy she knows whitch hes cool.... we eat good chicken fingers and played pool... i beat felisha HAHA!! hehe begginers luck because i got my ass kicked by danny... that was the guy. he wants felisha i saw him give her that look.... but its not the i wanna fuck your brains out look but yeah i know what im talking about so dont worry. so we did that for a while laughed and listened to music and stuff.. anyway then we went to montour and got bored and walked arround and things and hung out with chet and other people... like brittany and things... people i dont know real well. and hung out with coon whitch i think i wrote about him before... im not sure... and we got a ride from felishas x and they argued and i was dead tired so i didnt really wanna get into it but it was kinda friendly at some times so i wasnt worries. hehe and i got home when mel got home it was funny... anyway time to go skinny dipping soon so bubye
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i cant believe my luck. one i didnt wanna go to corning in the first place. i hate going to give carolyn ciggarettes... i was speeding the whole way from before the sign hit 55... passing cars and things... i peged my dads car.. and as i was coming down from peging it i was going down a hill to get to my road... i saw a car turn arround... i was like oh shit so i hit it.... i missed my turn and kept on going peging it yet again... i almost got hit by a car because it was passing another car... so i go by and there is a straight a away so i decided that cince i was being folowed by him and he was getting ready to pull me over i would slow down and when he truned on his lights i would stop like a good girl.... well he asked me where i was coming from and i told him that i was coming from corning to give a family friend ciggarettes he also asked can i see your license and regestration... i dont know where my license is he asked for my name and birthday. and i looked all over to find the regestration but low and behold i couldnt find it i told him that this is my dads car whitch is true... he asked me if i knew why he pulled me over and i said because i was speeding... he asked why i was going so fast and i told him a bullshit story about how i was really tired and i had to get home before i fell asleep... what was i gunna tell him that i speed all the time and i like the rush??? I DONT THINK SO!!! anyway he was like how long has your exhaust been loud and i was like i have no clue... he went back to his car for what seemed forever... i watched atleast 20 cars go by... hopeing it wasnt anyone who knew our car... finaly he came back and wrote me a ticket for not having the lap belt on whitch i never figured out the reason that cars like that had lap belts and sholder belt thingies... anyway and i went on my marry way... well cince i had missed my turn and didnt want to turn arround because well i figure that would mean that i was running from him or something well atleast in my mind i turned on a back road and folloed other back roads until i hit rt 19... its the road before i got to my road... but it was like 3 miles to my road..... the car stalled out because it was over heated and stopped.... thank god i only had afew mins before someone stopped for me... the guy was nice and drove me home.. and then i told my dad a bullshit story because i couldnt tell him that i was speeding and i was thankful that the cop didnt give me a speeding ticket. and we got the car.... all i said to myself is whats ment to be will happen. i said it over and over and over.... but i was thinking ok whats next.... bad things all happen in 3s so im waiting for it...
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and whats with rebound relationships??? my freind is in one right now. i think that it just complicates things. alot. and if you hang out or see the one you are rebounding from.. yeah it complicates things. alot... thats all i have to say.
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is there something ummmm like having sex without touching... like undressing someone with with your eyes??? i could picture it in my mind so well. i think i watched some form of having sex with someone without touching... not like in 40 days and 40 nights.... but your thinking it and the other persons thinking it but no one else is in tune with it. i think that i witnessed it today. im not sure. but now that im really trying to know what is happening ya know how someone had sex and things are weird after that usualy... well its kinda like that. like they hang out the next day or something... or someones talking about that other person. i dont know i dont get those intense feelings like that. i think that my feeling are somewhat ummm lessened. i dont know. something.
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when felisha and i got put in 2 ditches she cryed every time... and every other accident ive been in i stayed strong for them... when i got in my accident i cryed like i was a baby. felisha cryed sooo bad.... all those times i wanted to cry.. but i knew i had to stay strong.. make sure that everyone else was ok... within those secconds before i cryed my eyes out i looked to make sure that the person in the passenger seat was ok... i think i even remember looking in the back seat but im not sure. anyway i had to stay strong for the people in the car when there was but when there wasnt anyone i had to be strong for, to tell that itll be ok to be the one to have to think what to do next i broke down. it wasnt something that i could handle by myself i think. im not completely sure. then again i havent been completely sure about any of my feelings cince i was old enough to relize that i could control them... then again ive never really been able to control them just hide them and get rid of them in other ways.
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something else that i was thinking about having to do with my car was all my accidents.... i mean ive been in other accidents with other cars and other people but it wasnt the same as in my own car. i remember "my accident." every time i think about it i replay it all from when i was on 414(the highwayish thing) to the stop light just before the hill started to relizing that i was going off to the side to trying to save it to hitting the clutch insted of the break saving it from missing the gardrails and hitting a tree to going back on the road to no matter what i did in the split seccond i was in control to not to go back off the road to when i completely hit the gardrails.... to sitting there thinking what now OH MY GOD!!! to crying... to watching a car that was trying to stop for me almost get in their own accident, screeming out in my car to the other car what to do and getting out and not being able to breath because i was crying so hard to the cop to not being able to find my license whitch i didnt have but i did have my old license.. to having to drive the rest of the way down the hill almost getting in yet another accident.... all the events are like snapshots in my mind. all of them seperate yet so together.... like a flip book when you flip it too slow... and when i think about a certin part of my accident well two parts, when i started to loose control to the few secconds i took to realize what really happened i could hear the song... it felt like it was going so slow.... it felt like i comprehended the song yet for the life of me i couldnt remember what song it was. it was just playing and it seemed like i blacked out or something closed my eyes and just let it all happen.... but i didnt i know that i saved the car and myself from serious damage... i saved it unconcously... yet i know what i did. i felt safe.. not really safe but i dont know i couldnt explain it if i had to. i dont know... when i think about it i can feel that same thing but only for a miliseccond. it feels awesome. and yet i feel guilty to even feel joy from something that coulda hurt more people then just myself. i dont know. strange.
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today i listened to afew songs with my friend felisha. she and i use to play one tape in my car. (before it decided to die 200 miles from home) it reminded me of alot of things. one was how much fun that thing was. everyone called it the ghetto geo. it looked like shit. but gerrrarrr!!!! she was a 5 speed (standard for those of you who didnt know) 4 door and all the stuff... couldnt go over hospital hill (those of you who know about where i live.... its the most traveled hill from watkins to pretty much anywhere else) anyway i had to hit 3rd gear all the way up it just to hit 40.... but when i went down hill that bitch moved lol.... ahhh to have my ghetto geo back would be a dream and i tell you what ive never seen a car that could go over 400 miles with 1/2 a tank... damn that was a good car!!! 10 bucks filled it and you only needed 5 to get anywhere... but then again what you saved on gas you used to fixing it. but i tell you what that was a good car.
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ok and i know i already wrote one today but ive got another thing to the subject.....kinda. what if you want to die and you are getting ready to kill yourself then someone kills you. would it be the same thing? you didnt struggle or maybe you did. but you were gunna kill yourself anyway. and what would "god" think of it. in the bible it tells you that if you kill yourself then you go to hell... but you were gunna but someone did it before you did it to yourself. but then in my mind i think whats ment to be will happen.... was it ment to be that you didnt kill yourself and someone else did it for you. would it make your friends and family feel not as bad or different because you didnt kill yourself and someone else did. because well no one knew that you were gunna kill yourself because well then someone would more then likely try to stop you. its a strange thing.
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if you killed yourself when you knew you were gunna die soon anyway.... is it the same as killing yourself outright? for example, i was watching a movie about the twin towers. the people jumped and therefor killed themselves. they knew they were gunna die anyway so is their killing themselves the same as if they jumped because they were unhappy or something to that. i mean i dont think that its the same thing. your just trying not to suffer when you know that your gunna die.... pick suffering and knowing that there is no way you could ever get out of it.... i would rather kill myself and no suffer then burn up or bleed out or something to that effect. but thats just me
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im gunna be on a 19 and under softball league... i havent played cince i was 11... i dont know but i have to quit smoking and things because i can barely walk fast anymore... humph i dont know.
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brian, chet and cory are over. its 1 in the morning. we were gunna go to a party but they couldnt find a ride and my dad was being a jerk. humph. i dont know their all kinda ass holes. i kinda want them to leave but if they didnt come over then i woulda been alone all night again with my sister until 3 when she went to bed and i tryed. i dont know but they better leave before 4 or im in trouble. and i dont know what brian is doing in the camper with my sisters but im about ready to go and see... plus i kinda want the beer in there... i dont know but their annoying me because their on the computer and ummm i dont know but i feel like a grump and i wanna go out and get shit faced but no one has a ride...
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i was playing this game on yahoo games. you had to match these little fur balls with eyes... all different colors and it was just very colorful and weird. when you matched 3 or more they exploded and their eyes went into this jar. when you got the jar filled up it was caped and shaken. and then it exploded like when you shake up a soda bottle. what my point is is that you take the little furry guys eyes. and you keep them in a bottle and shake them up and on a rainbow they fly up into the air. where do all the eyes go??? and why do you have to take their eyes? why not their money or something? i know that sounds funny or whatever. but isnt the eyes the path way to the soul??? i mean if somebody took your eyes and blew you up... would it have some magical power. something that would make one person all powerful. i dont know but i think that its not right. i dont know.
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today for some reason i was thinking about something that happened when i was a child. i was coloring with one of the 3 boys i grew up with. we had like 8 or 10 or something huge crayons.... we were coloring then we decided to split them up. we split them up into "boy colors" and "girl colors." we got all the colors seporated except for the red crayon. we couldnt agree if it was a girl or boy color. i remember thinking that we grew up different so we thaught differently on that subject. but i knew that red was a girl color. and he knew that it was a boy color. i told him that it was a girl color because it was bright. he said no it was a boy color. i dont remember anything else about that day but i do remember the room like im sitting in it right now.

about the 3 boys that i grew up with. there was brent... he was i think a year older then me... maybe two. there was nick... he was about the same age as me but afew months younger then me. i always picked on him because he was shorter than me. i had a crush on him. then there was dane. the baby. he was younger then my sister but he was the heart breaker. i loved those boys like brothers but i really liked nick. hehe all i know is that it was just a little crush. i more felt that he was my brother. i remember when they straped pillows to my butt, head, arms (including elbows), legs (including knees), back, front... i felt like a big pillow. they were trying to teach me how to roller blade. we started at the back of the hallway. went past the boys rooms, the bathroom, the kitchen , the diningroom table and smashed right into the wall... the whole wall from the waist up was mirrors. we broke one. we all blamed it on my sister and the dog.
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i was invited to go to go to grassroots again last night but i didnt really wanna go. not with brian atleast. i dont know i think that riding in the car with him last time made me not wanna go again with him. and the way he drives even sober and straight is messed up. i dont know but hummmm. and the thing with felisha well she was suppose to call me but i she didnt. so i dont know whats happening. i dont know im gunna go
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i went to grassroots last night... it was sooo fun. we werent gunna go there in the first place but we went down town to get some gas to go to this party. and we saw this kid coondog... and hes cool. and i like him. anyway... we went to grassroots in a 4 person car with 5 people in it. i was squished... and well we got there and i drank alot of ice 101 and then got really really high... dont worry it was only weed... but then again at grassroots you never know what your really getting. but everyone but me and coon were looking for mushrooms. him and i were looking for weed and only did weed. but it was awesome. i was sooo high. but before that we saw oopy... i could understand him because of the way he was talking. and all night he was saying that he cant see straight. i was like yeah oopy do another line why dontcha... anyway we had to take him home too. so when we left we had 6 people in a 4 seater. wow but oopy sat in the way back with the base speaker.... anyway i puked in the back seat because they were passing arround the ice 101 and it has a real strong smell to it... mint. and we were swerving and all that. i was going crazy and i got motion sick and puked. blah. and then when we dropped off oopy and coondog we went to the lawndry mat whitch was dumb and they flirted with some hoes... the guys i was with and when the dumbasses got done and didnt get any hoes brian droped off cory and chet and dropped me off and then did whatever after... i dont know but i got something to eat and went to sleep AND IM GOING BACK TONIGHT!!!
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ok what to say what to say... well i went to bed at about 5 in the morning... and i got up about 3. we were suppose to go to this park thingy... but that got cancled i guess no one talks to me so whatever. i dont know. sometimes i feel like i cant tell people what i really thing because they expect me to think something else. and i dont want to let their thinking go to hell. and with this diary i dont feel like i can say all i want to. i cant just write whats in my head. id ont know if its just the fact that this is so public but then again i could just make it not public anymore. but also i dont feel like being smart and acctualy explaining things like i usualy do when im having a convorastion with someone. its weird
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