[superego]'s diary
Written about Friday 2006-06-23
Written: (6729 days ago)
so i'm at Viimsi, Estonia now...
i first tried to log onto to et but there were some problems.. 0.o
well anyway. i can't stay here for long.
Just came to let you know that i'm alive.
yep. i'll write more to my et diary when i get back...
Chuck Norris is god oh my... XD
Written about Tuesday 2006-04-04
Written: (6809 days ago)
I cleaned my room yesterday. so I thought about taking pictures to have some evidence of it... since i'm bound to mess my room again.. :P so...Enjoy!
My room :D
My dear guitar :D
Written about Saturday 2006-03-25
Written: (6819 days ago)
I'm having some sleeping problems.
I try to get rid of them but it's no good.
I just go to bed at 10 pm, and try to sleep, but then i have lots of thoughts just going through my mind and i can't sleep.
and i try to listen to Nick Cave's Into my arms since it's such a calm song... it used to work, but it doesn't now.
and then i just turn around in my bed for 9 hours....
and then sleep late, and miss school.
that goes on every night. :P
i don't know what to do. *confused*
When I said those words...
*looks down, closes eyes, sighs* I thought I saw a smile.
But I guess not then. Just my imagination. *sighs sadly*
I wish I was a cheerful little seahorse on the bottom of the ocean...
Drowning, I mean...
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl
'Cause it hurts like hell...
- Jareth the Goblin King, Labyrinth
So I just kept rolling around in my bed... and just try to fall asleep. But it was useless.
Eventually I managed to fall asleep around 8 am. After trying to fall asleep for the last 9 hours...
And then when I did fall asleep, well... I had another nightmare.
It wasn't a spider dream. But yes, it was a nightmare...
And my hair's all messy again. I need to go take a shower. And then I need to go walk Pete, and then study some history and perhaps play my guitar a bit. since mari's coming here wednesday so i need to practice...
I keep having this dream where Shelob is eating my left foot and then these really really tiny black spiders are eating my left foot.
So I can't sleep.
Hmphh.
*sigh*
I just ate a piece of bread.
I don't know what to do.
I've been repeating Nine Inch Nails' Somewhat damaged song in my head for the past 2 hours... Maybe that's why I can't sleep.
I'll try to go back to sleep then.
Update edit:
few minutes later...
Hmphh.
No difference.
So i talked with her. I'm happy about that.
We cleared some things that have been weighing on my mind for the past 2 or more days...
But do I feel better? Not really.
Apperently it's just not the same anymore. And it makes me mad.
But I'll accept it.
But I need to stop being such a brat and just get over this feeling....
And I need to balance my life, somewhat... With school and everything.
Random kicks in my butt are more than welcome!
Oh and I would like to make a special moment of saying
a big big thank you to [Aes Sedai] for yesterday.
I don't know what i'd have done if I hadn't had someone like you to talk to last night. It really meant a lot to me. So thank you.
Even though you were depressed too, still I told you my own baggage. I'm sorry about that. Even though you said I have no reason to be sorry about. But I think the whole "I'll go drown myself in the shower" was a little too much for me to say to you. I'm sorry if I scared you. I just wrote what I felt like wanting to do... that was all.
In return, I'll help you get rid of YOUR depression and try to be the best friend that's possible.
And I look forward reading your story.
And I would like to apologize to these persons.
[stephie k] I'm sorry if I've taken a lot of time to read your story. When i said I loved it, I meant it. Still, I have delayed reading it to the end for some reason. I will read it. And thank you for even letting me read it, and thank you for even the chance you gave to me, yet I have acted wrongly. I'm sorry.[00000000000] I'm sorry I've been such an idiot. You've been an excellent friend and I just let my mouth go wild... and babble about everything. Yet you stay and listen. You have no idea how much that means to me.
[Panda-monium] I'm sorry for everything.
[Xxlove_alonexX] Oh how I wish that you were here right now. You always know what to say to cheer me up.
*sigh* well i'll wait...
[Shatureel] I'm sorry I haven't told you everything that I have wanted to tell you. But I will update you on everything the next time we talk.
[DRACE] I'm sorry I was such an idiot. I just ended our relation, and then blocked you. I was on a bad mood and then you were being not the most nicest person. I really meant it when I said that I do wait for you to come online... and then you sent me that certain message, and I just reacted. I know I shouldn't have, but you should've known by now how I feel about those things...
[RIFT KEEPER] yep, those "I want to fuck you hard" messages of yours really made me mad. And I just got sick of them. If you think it was wrong of me to react like that, I'm sorry. But you should know that I feel negative about those sort of things... and I had already warned you about not doing it again. So... I reacted. Maybe rudely, but I'm sorry anyway.
And finally, I would like to apologize for everyone I have acted badly towards... I know I can't possibly name you all. I have been acting unlike me and I promise to make it up to you all. You've all supported me... yet what have I done to repay that kindness? Nothing. I've kept on being an idiot. And I know you dislike me calling myself idiotic, but it is the best and the only word that can truely even descibe how I feel. I don't know any other word to define all my thoughts and apologies that I want to say...
And I know that I can't just like that stop myself from not acting this way -because I will- But there's a slight chance that I won't be as bad as I was before...
May you all have a good rest of the night.
- (still hopefully) your friend Heidi
Tonight when i was out with pete.. And then that one song came from my disc player and the cold wind kept blowing right to my eyes... And then tears just came rolling from my eyes. that song always makes me cry... and just everything, i just... couldn't bare it any longer.. keeping them inside me... I just started crying...
Though my views may be wrong,
they may even be perverted,
she will hear me out
and won't easily be converted
to my way of thinking.
In fact she'll often disagree.
But at the end of it all
she will understand me.
I don't know what to say.
I'm just... *sigh*
so...
argh. forget what i said.
*leaves, not knowing what to say*
I had a weird dream. I guess it was a nightmare.
I don't remember much from it.
it was... sad.
well i only slept for 2 hours so i didn't have that much time to dream.
Hmphhh.
*stops writing*
so it's now 3:21 pm. I just woke up.
I went to bed around 5 or 6 am... I think. You see, I'm not that sure.
I remember talking with Amanda and then going to bed...
I think we talked for like 6 hours.
and my dream was at the beginning something worderful. But at the end it was something weird.
Written about Friday 2006-03-10
Written: (6834 days ago)
so it's morning now. i woke up at 8 am... i slept pretty badly.
i just kept repeating our conversation in my head. especially the way it ended.
so i just took a cold shower.
and tried to drown myself while i was there...
there's no point in glooming.
i'll just get on with this day...
and just... go hide under the covers.
*sigh* i prefer my dream world if she's not here.
but all i can think about is stars, insects, how fascinating snakes and spiders can be
if the person who tells it is right... and eskimo kisses. : )
so i'm going to open up a bit... i just feel like it.
i'm sick of myself being so closed all the time not being able to say what i want, WHEN i want to and not few days after... after i've tried to found the correct words.
ok i have to put some things into priorities...
i sort of know what they are but i don't know how to do them
i need to get my sleeping times somewhat organized... as great as it is talking with Amanda till 6 am in the morning in my time. and then go to bed.. i can't keep it up. i have to start being more... i don't know what's the word... umm.. er.. independent? or resposible, or... just a little more wiser? i guess that's the word i was missing. and at least trying to eat some little breakfeast before going to school or my stomach will be hurting like it has been today since i haven't eaten much in 2 days., well coffee, but that is very unhealthy.
and i guess i should thinking about at least cutting down a little drinking coffee since coffee gives me those "panic attacks" .. those weird feelings in my chest like it did today. and when i was 15 i once woke up in weird pain and that i couldn't breath very well and i thought i was having some weird allergic attack, or that i had epilepsia or something along those lines... i just remember waking up in this huge pain in my heart and it wouldn't stop. i remember going to my brother's room and saying something to him like "i can't breath well" or "there's something wrong with me". and then i kept repeating his name and over and over again, i remember my voice was almost gone i think, or really quiet at least, and it hurt to walk. so i had to move my legs really slowly. so he only turned around in his sleep. well i then left my brother'd room and i think took a warm bath and i think that helped then. well i think i fell asleep in the bathtub and then waking in the morning around 9 am and then i was perfectly fine. well and it scared the hell out of me. i thought i was going to die that night.
and i'm stupid because i started again drinking coffee again. even after that. and i know, i know... it's an addiction. i can't focus on school...
well before writing this, only person to know about this has been Mari. ever. and she told me that she felt the pain also a half a year ago. since we have started drinking coffee together at the age of 14-15 on confirmation camp... and we have drank quite frequently ever since that. and that drinking coffee has involved staying up late and watching movies and everything zombie life revolves, and being awake when no one else was. so... i should talk to her about this too. i have to ask her has she felt that pain ever since it happened to her. since a lighter version of it happened to me today as i was walking from my school to the tram stop and i felt this weird feeling right where my heart is. it wasn't pain actually what i felt that first night, it didn't hurt that much. but it was a tickling bit of fire. i can't explain in better. Or perhaps these two have nothing in common. they're just once in a life things that just happen and i have no control for them.
or it could be because i don't really do much excecises or stretch myself properly. i have a shooting pain in my back everyday but i never tell anyone since i'm used to it already and there is nothing new so no need to tell. so somekind of a "hobby" involving some form of moving would be, i guess, healthy...
Written about Sunday 2006-03-05
Written: (6839 days ago)
i just combed my hair! that deserves a diary entry.... >.<
it's all straight and falling down... *makes a weird look towards her hair* eek.
well i sometimes have the need to comb my hair when i come out of the shower... and i stress the word sometimes...
She wants to know what I want.
But...
I don't know how to put in words.
I feel stupid because it takes me so long to say certain things... it pisses me off.
i hate myself the way I acted today. i wasn't there to say bye to her when she left for work.
All because of some stupid tickets... i can't believe i did that.
i know she comes first. but sometimes i act like a complete idiot and let other things get in the way... why is that?!
I know what i want to say to her, but sometimes i just freeze and lose all words. *wants to rip her hair off*