Tonight when i was out with pete.. And then that one song came from my disc player and the cold wind kept blowing right to my eyes... And then tears just came rolling from my eyes. that song always makes me cry... and just everything, i just... couldn't bare it any longer.. keeping them inside me... I just started crying...

I don't know what to say.
I'm just... *sigh*



so...

argh. forget what i said.


*leaves, not knowing what to say*

I had a weird dream. I guess it was a nightmare.
I don't remember much from it.

it was... sad.
well i only slept for 2 hours so i didn't have that much time to dream.
Hmphhh.

*stops writing*

so it's now 3:21 pm. I just woke up.
I went to bed around 5 or 6 am... I think. You see, I'm not that sure.
I remember talking with Amanda and then going to bed...
I think we talked for like 6 hours.


and my dream was at the beginning something worderful. But at the end it was something weird.

so it's morning now. i woke up at 8 am... i slept pretty badly.
i just kept repeating our conversation in my head. especially the way it ended.



so i just took a cold shower.
and tried to drown myself while i was there...


there's no point in glooming.
i'll just get on with this day...
and just... go hide under the covers.
*sigh* i prefer my dream world if she's not here.



but all i can think about is stars, insects, how fascinating snakes and spiders can be
if the person who tells it is right... and eskimo kisses.   :  )

so i'm going to open up a bit... i just feel like it.
i'm sick of myself being so closed all the time not being able to say what i want, WHEN i want to and not few days after... after i've tried to found the correct words.





ok i have to put some things into priorities...
i sort of know what they are but i don't know how to do them




i need to get my sleeping times somewhat organized... as great as it is talking with Amanda till 6 am in the morning in my time. and then go to bed.. i can't keep it up. i have to start being more... i don't know what's the word... umm..  er.. independent? or resposible, or... just a little more wiser? i guess that's the word i was missing. and at least trying to eat some little breakfeast before going to school or my stomach will be hurting like it has been today since i haven't eaten much in 2 days., well coffee, but that is very unhealthy.



and i guess i should thinking about at least cutting down a little drinking coffee since coffee gives me those "panic attacks" .. those weird feelings in my chest like it did today. and when i was 15 i once woke up in weird pain and that i couldn't breath very well and i thought i was having some weird allergic attack, or that i had epilepsia or something along those lines... i just remember waking up in this huge pain in my heart and it wouldn't stop. i remember going to my brother's room and saying something to him like "i can't breath well" or "there's something wrong with me". and then i kept repeating his name and over and over again, i remember my voice was almost gone i think, or really quiet at least, and it hurt to walk. so i had to move my legs really slowly. so he only turned around in his sleep. well i then left my brother'd room and i think took a warm bath and i think that helped then. well i think i fell asleep in the bathtub and then waking in the morning around 9 am and then i was perfectly fine. well and it scared the hell out of me. i thought i was going to die that night.
and i'm stupid because i started again drinking coffee again. even after that. and i know, i know... it's an addiction. i can't focus on school...

well before writing this, only person to know about this has been Mari. ever. and she told me that she felt the pain also a half a year ago. since we have started drinking coffee together at the age of 14-15 on confirmation camp... and we have drank quite frequently ever since that. and that drinking coffee has involved staying up late and watching movies and everything zombie life revolves, and being awake when no one else was. so... i should talk to her about this too. i have to ask her has she felt that pain ever since it happened to her. since a lighter version of it happened to me today as i was walking from my school to the tram stop and i felt this weird feeling right where my heart is. it wasn't pain actually what i felt that first night, it didn't hurt that much. but it was a tickling bit of fire. i can't explain in better. Or perhaps these two have nothing in common. they're just once in a life things that just happen and i have no control for them.
or it could be because i don't really do much excecises or stretch myself properly. i have a shooting pain in my back everyday but i never tell anyone since i'm used to it already and there is nothing new so no need to tell. so somekind of a "hobby" involving some form of moving would be, i guess, healthy...

i just combed my hair! that deserves a diary entry.... >.<

it's all straight and falling down... *makes a weird look towards her hair* eek.


well i sometimes have the need to comb my hair when i come out of the shower... and i stress the word sometimes...

She wants to know what I want.
But...
I don't know how to put in words.


I feel stupid because it takes me so long to say certain things... it pisses me off.


i hate myself the way I acted today. i wasn't there to say bye to her when she left for work.
All because of some stupid tickets... i can't believe i did that.

i know she comes first. but sometimes i act like a complete idiot and let other things get in the way... why is that?!


I know what i want to say to her, but sometimes i just freeze and lose all words. *wants to rip her hair off*

So I finally found the words I wanted to say to her...



I love her. I finally gathered my courage to tell her...
And I'm happy. I wish I could say certain things to her, instead of going back and forth, "should I, or should I not? what she going to say if i do this, or what is she thinking if i'm whatever??"


i worry too much. i know. i know... *hits head* it's in my nature.