depression is just anger without enthusiasm


I leave for South Africa today. I'm nervous, excited, scared, and lonesome feeling. I will miss my family, my pets, JEFF, his kitty stupid. I hate feeling like this, but soon I will be on a plane to New York then off to SA. It would be much easier if this was a family vacation. My senior year I dont get to be with my family.

Jeff was really thoughtful last night. He took me allllll the way to Hilsboro to go eat at my favorite Italian restraunt Frenkies. Man o man do I love Frenkies. We ate a Pasta Combo, split. Frenkies has the best rolls. I also had a salad doused in Ranch dressing. I wish I was able to scroung a small gift for him before I leave, but i wasnt. He scrounged up one for me! He gave me a Symphony Chocolate Bar and a small TY Beanie Baby Penguin thats name is Waddles. He put his cologne on it so Waddles would smell like him. I really will miss him. I guess I suppressed those feelings untill before bed.

Anyhow, I'm excited

"the new harry potter book was so dark and depressing, Tom Cruise had to take an antidepressant after reading it."~ David Letterman

"What would you like?" my wife asked as she prepared the evening meal. "Tuna, salmon, chicken, beef or liver?"

Surprised and pleased by this unusual opportunity to make a selection from such an extensive dinner menu, I replied, "Beef would be nice for a change, thank you."

"Oh," she said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was asking the cat. We're having soup."

well, apparently jeffs gunna wanna break it off.
I'm not all that surpised. it was enevatible. I hope we can still be friends, but i dont think its going to work that way. It didnt last time. He thinks i lied to him. I didn't, but whatever. I dont feel like telling him i cram dates together when i havent wrote in something for awhile or feel like ihave to. He searched and looked for it. Its my writting, i'm not going to justify the confusing. Its sad. But, he's enjoying himself, he's got a job and he's hanging out more with his friends again. I don't need to be around. So I guess it this is going to happen its better now while he's collected everything.

I dont want to go to china spring anymore. I want to be somewhere else, AJ moore, Waco High, really .... i want to be far away. but after this year i will be.
I shouldnt be upset. after highschool we'll all go our seperate ways.
who really stays in contact with highschool friends. Isnt that why i shouldnt break up with him, so I'll atleast have one friend when its all said and done?..... I cant always have my way, especially when i dont want to be hurt when its all said and done. that was enevitable also. I cant have my way, I accept that.

Armadildo- a plated vibrater
voyear- one who gets sexual gratification from eves dropping
Whoresale- prostitutes way of purchasing condoms
sexclamation- exclamation or scream during sex
sexaggeration- souding like your having an orgasm when you arent to make your partner feel better
sexcuse- a headach or other ailment to avoid sex
ejoculation- making a joke when your ejaculating *i hope my little buddies dont turn into little babies*
Whorizontal- a whore on her side

I feel like im a pawn.
just like my xbf..... someone is using this thing to send me subliminal messages to make me feel a certain way. This really does hurt. I dont think i can last much longer. who cares really. people can tampor with what i feel, but not with what i do. That is the only thing in my life I have control over. What i do. but people want to control that to.... but what happens when you dont feel anything anymore. for anyone. you just want to be alone but not have everyone just go away. i know its confusing. something some people can not understand.

two controversial messages are being sent thru my mind and body. and one is winning.  but like i said. Who really cares anymore. Who gives a shit about legitimatly not wanting to use someone for their own good. Lets all just go and piss the other side off.

sometimes i feel like i dont want to live anymore in this kind of world.
this is one of those times.

the song below really describes how i feel

Had a bad day, don't talk to me,
gonna ride this out,
My little black heart, breaks apart,
with your big mouth.

And I'm sick of my sickness
Dont touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,
And everything, everything's my fault.

Went to the doctor, and I asked her,
to make this stop.(whoa)
Got medication, a new addiction,
Fucken thanks a lot.

Had to relapse, I'm outta rehab,
It ruined everything.(whoa)
So point your finger, at the singer,
He's in the pharmacy.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call ,
and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything, and everthing's my fault.

And I'm a death threat haven't slept yet,
Baby wide awake at dawn.
Helmet bad boy, tell the tabloids,
everything's my fault.

Whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,
Whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,
Whoa Whoa everthing's my fault,
everthing's my fault.

I went to heaven, couldn't get it,
For what I had done.
I said forsake me, you said you're crazy
you were too much fun.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call ,
and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything,everthing's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,(everthing's my fault)
You can't save me,
You can't change me,

Everything's my fault

Katie went home today. I'm sad. There goes the rest of my fun summer back up to Virginia.
WE didnt go to sleep until 3 last night and woke up at 7:15

Took Katie to the airport... said our goodbyes and took our last pictures.

So far thats it for today.

MY mom and iwent to hillsboro outlet mall, nothing there we went in to some store and i got a photo frame.
Went to Frankies italian restraunt . Great food but some of th estuff wasnt fresh


I need to take my car by jeffs

and i want to finnish my picture frames.

A poem for girls...





I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the check book,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewellery's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it?, you DICK!?!

Went and picked up Katie in at DFW yesterday.
It was cool ....... of course she had pink on lol.....and her luggage was easy to spot because it was also pink.

We went to the Galleria in Dallas and shopped around. 3 stories of pure heaven. Shop, shop, shop. We went in Sephora< make up store. I looked for orange eyeliner but again, i'm ahead of the times. I bought some orange lipliner, It will have to work. they had some really awesome lip gloss that was orange..... 20 bucks tho.

We looked in some art galleries....... paintings and statues all around 3-4 thousand dollars.

We got some decent pizza.......perfect crust. Crispy.
With my drink came a SIMPLE PLAN CD on the lid hehe it was cool

We got chocolate at Godiva.. I got some champaigne chocolate truffle. it was really really good. I love chocolate.

I got 2 guitar picks at the first store we went into ..... charcoal gray, and purple sparkly. I wanna go back to that mall soon.

We got home kinda late.... 10-11 ish.... so we didnt doo much but chill. I showed her aorund hte house and that was that.

We looked at pictures from our trip to antarctica. my prom pics, symphoney bell pics.

and i got online to show her picks of my people.

that was it. The full day.

TX ranger baseball game
Tx rangers won....... 4 homeruns
two cute little boys sat infront of us which i gave stuffed Chick-fil-a cows to. Keeton(5) and his little brother
i got mint chocolate chip icecream w/ whipped cream and 2 cherries..... mmmm mmmm good.  balls kept flying over our head. We got free posters with my "bro" Laynce Nix on them . I got another Nix tshirt that matches my dad's
hmmm....... fun day.

<a href="http://www.nerdtests.com/ft_nq.php?im"></a>



Jack Rakam, or Calico Jack, as you like to be called, there's more to being a pirate than Wenching! Sure you love the ladies (and occasionally the cabin boy), but you can't plunder, pillage, navigate or brutally mame if you're constantly 'dipping your wick'. Forget Anne Bonny, she was a lesbian anyway! And you're undying affection for her got you and your entire crew hanged!

You scored higher than 0% on Treasurer
 
You scored higher than 0% on Seafairability
 
You scored higher than 14% on Bloodlusting
 
You scored higher than 91% on Wenchwanting


The What Kind of PIRATE Are You Test
http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=10801780043961376472

Well, I haven't done anything today.  DIDNT go anywhere.
Lil Tillie came by and wanted to stay and play with Buddy.

Last night we tried to get her to go thru Buddy's doggy door. She is deffently not a gulible child lol.
Yesterday I worked up at the hospital with Sylvia again.

I am sure i want to get my PhD in BUM. I think i could make some decent money off being a bum. My aunt hasnt called back about the job, so i guess i'm out.

My cousin is now 18. I worry about him because i know he isnt right in the head. I wish i could go back in time to when we were little so i could be as close to him as i used to be. He's the closest thing i've ever had to a brother, up until now atleast.

I have a few books i need to read (want to) and a couple scripts to write.   I need several Hott guys to be my guinea pigs! hehe unfortuently i'm not a hott guy magnent. but that's okay, as long as i know tho's who are.

Jeff's been spending time with his stepbrother who has a 2 week leave from Iraq. (the same SBro who hooked us up with our Rolexes lol). I think its good that htey are spending time together.

He told me about this woman he calls his mom..... he talks about her a lot......she got a boob job. It creeps meout.... He always wants me to meet her, but no i'm not too sure if i want to. maybe she went thru a midlife crisis...... that can make people do stupid/crazy things. I wish he knew how uncomfortable it made me to hear him talk about it. His choices of "mother figure role models" isnt all that great. I'm glad to have some normalness in my life.

My dad and I had some kinda connection a few nights ago... after eating steak at the Manly's. we usually dont get along and he always bitches at me. He was bitchin at me again and i mumbled something under my breath like. And he said all this shit happening isnt my fault.. It made me feel good. and then rubbing his head makes him happy.

WEEELL My brain is out of commition for the rest of the day.

I had to wake up early as fuck to take the stupid SAT test.

It was hard... I think.

I saw a lot of people I knew...

Kathy(Kathrine from lake Air), Jackline, Liz Pacheco,Tim G(my math helper), brooke moore, Jessica Nitcholas,abigail, some girl i remember from WHS, and lots of others from CSHS. I'm glad Tim was there in the beginning. My medication hadn't fully taken affect and I needed someone to keep my attention and tell me when were all leaving to go somewhere else.

During the test my eyes were bothering me. burning and watering inside and around hte edges of the skin. It felt like I had crust all around them. then my eyes felt like i had something in them and that made them water worse.

When I got home I took them out.

At one of the stopping places during the test where the TGiver tells you to stop, I jumped because I was startled. Everyone kinda turned and laughed at me... Not reallly laughed outloud but kinda grinned. It was embarrassing but, not too bad. No one came up to me afterword and said i was stupid.

I got home and took a lil nap and my mom made Pizza for lunch

We watched the soaps, I got online talked to a few people such as Katie and some online guy from west going to MCC. Jeff called me and asked how the test went. I forgot to call him after it was over :-( *sighs* I forgot i said i'd call him too Anyhow its really nice that he's supportive and understanding about my tiredness and that kinda crap. He puts up with a lot of my ailements, habits,psycho problems, weirdness, and grossness.

Anyhow, I should probably call him later. That would be nice

My mom and I tried to hook up this PABLO to one of the coomps... it kinda worked on one but the other one doesnt have a spot to hook it up too. It doesnt work that well and its hard to use... harder than I remember.. (Pablo- board w/ pen. Use it to draw with on the computer instead of a mouse) Guess we may need to get another one.

I also want to buy a GIF maker.... A good one. something were i can create my own drawn images move or turn my video clips from video files to short GIF clips---- anyone reading this know what program that would be????

Yesterday, Jeff and I started and finnished a 500 peice puzzle. BOY DID/DOES my back hurt! But it was fun. WE stayed up till bout 9:30 doing it. Jeff took me Go Cart racing. LOL I woulda beat him but i had the faster car the first time. and hte 2nd time i had the slow car and forgot i only had one lap left..... and did an extra. It was a bit imbarrassing..but i said that was my victory lap for my first "win"
While starting the puzzle we watched the first original Starwars.... I liked it... kinda got distracted by the puzzle.

The puzzle is put together and glued so it wont come apart.

About 4 days ago i found a pair of Mourning Doves that fell from the nest. Both had no feathers

I took them in and fed them

about a day later both were pecking at each other doing quite well..... then hte smaller one who had just begun to get feathers in, stopped eating so much

the next day, he died.

His brother who had most all wing feathers stopped eating so much.

today he wont make it

*cries*

LIFE SUCKS!

my bebies didnt make it

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
01 - Roaches
02 – someone I love dying
03 - the future

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
01 - science
02 - Math
03 – people

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
01 – To cook
02 - express my feelings
03 - ASL

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
01 - orange tank
02 - celtic beltbuckle on spiked belt
03 – no bra

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
01 - Lamp
02 - massive amounts of index cards
03 - phones

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
01 – Finnish up going to the last two continents i need to go to (Asia and Africa)
02 – Have kids
03 – see the future

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
01 - spunky
02 - ADD (random)
03 – creative

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
01 – lash out
02 – uncontrolable
03 – nervesness

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
01 - German
02 - Irish
03 - Native American

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 – my nose
02 - my teeth
03 - my nails

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 – my eyes
02 – the things that are supposed to be growing or have grown in on my chest
03 - birthmark

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
01 – How bad my temper really is.
02 – I have a habit i can not control
03 – I can write some perverted/graphic stuff

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
01 – "uh"
02 – "where did(it,that,they) go?"
03 – "shit"

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
01 - Ireland
02 – NewYork
03 – Asia

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
01 - Stevie
02 - Amando Comando
03 - Mindy(or Mandi) Lue(Lue Who)

Today, my mom and I found a turtle.
I kept it in a green plastic kitchenmaid tub/box.
My bf came and picked me up to go jetskiing with him, my cousins, and one of his older friends, Bryan.
It was fun. The lake was a bit chilly, but the sun was out most of the day and inside the houseboat or "The Yacht" as my dad refers to it as. We didnt need to turn the air on. So my cousins Stacy and Jean were out there, Stacy's bf Raman and her friend from Austin Sara. Then my other younger cousins, Morgan and Lauren, and my uncle Pat came. We blew up the tube to ride. Jeff and I didnt ride but it was still fun. My cousin went to Bush's chicken and brought back food. I'd asked for a box of rolls and a couple of Dr. Peppers for Jeff and me.

After we were Jetskiing, we loaded up everything and Jeff drove up to the dock on the other side of the lake to get his truck. I drove the jetski on to the trailer. GOt IT on The FIRST time TOO!

Went home, changed, and went to the movie "A lot Like Love" with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. It was really cute. I loved the end where the girl went to what she thought was her true loves wedding, only to have him run out after her. She was like , no no, I'm too late. and he's like "no, I'm not getting married. My sister is" and the sister's always saying "You're such a dick!"... actually really cute movie.

Went home again, Jeff's dad was kinda getting pissed cuz it was almost 10 oclock and he wasn't home. I had to prepare the turtle to go to jeffs place. I painted the turtles shell so that maybe if we saw him again we could Identify him. Jeff had told me earlier that he thought it maybe a Snapping Turtle. He dangled his keys in front of the turltles nose and sure enough, the turtle open his mouth slowly and you can see teeth comming up from his gums. One in the front and one right behind it. and two on the sides. Sharp lil friggers im sayin!

Well mrs siemon wasnt here today. HURRAY!! I worked on my powerpoint and i wasnt late to school today!


on of the girls in my 8th period BCIS class that i hardly ever talk to said she had a dream about me and Jeff
She said I was really sad. But couldnt rememebr what happened. she said maybe jeff died.
Kinda creepy.

Corey Morgan also told me this week he had a dream with me in it. I dont know the details on that one. He has probably forgotten about it by now.

Jeff brought his two kittens to my house for me to meet. We took them to Petsmart. And they wanted to run around and everything. It was so funny. They would crawl on the back of Jeff's seat while he was driving and stick their lil sharp claws int he back of him.

We went to fazoli's for food. Through the drive thru of course. Went by BlueCat Video to rent a movie. We took the kittens inside and Jeff's friend brandon played a lil bit w/ one of the kittens. We rented Flight of the Phoenix and I bought a Symphony candy bar then went back to Jeffs house to watch the movie. 

After the movie i played a lil on Jeffs really nice OVATION Guitar. I love the neck on it. It's smaller than on my guitar! Makes it easy to hold and place my fingers! It's strings havent been tuned in 6 months and were in tune when iplayed it. The sound was great, very whole sounding.



Lovely guitar eh?

something i learned about friends in highschool
they wont be around forever
they care for a moment...but can drop you at a moments notice.
They take you for granted.
they ignore you. and can never be hurt.


match box 20- push

I wanna push you way 'round
well i will, well i will
I wanna push you down
well I will, Well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah yeah yeah
I wanna take you, take you
yeah well I will, I will, I will, I will, i will
push you around
yeah well I will

Last night was prom!!
or TONIGHT WAS...

Got picked up in a sea foam green 1957 Chevy Belaire.... restored to next to perfect condition by Jeffy boi wearing his tuxido which he looked really good in... fixed up all nice :-)
went to take pictures at camorn park, Miss Nelies pretty place
went to eat italian food at Vitos
Stole the flower from the table
went to prom w/ Jeff
danced.... like a wyld thang... w/ jeff nearly all the time
wore us out.... i cant really dance.. he tired to teach me to two step... didnt work
i kinda got between everyone booty bounced off everyone.... like amanda... Richard... time and samantha... took pictures of lynn... Robbie wore this old gangster getup... w/ the chain from the pocket and suspenders! Carlton bolder hat. Sean had a complete white tux.... w/ tails... looked good on him... Derrick can do the michael jackson walk... hes a really good dancer too
Danae and i traded ... so i danced w/ her date Cory..... he's actually a really good dancer and i was getting his pattern... didnt step on his feet much at all!
Jeff n i havent got much of a syncopated rythem... we both dance to the beats of different drums... btu thats okay cuz we can bout laugh and sing in each others faces ... like backstreat boys songs.... thriller.... gangsters paradice....save a horse ride a cowboy.... and i will will remember you.. kelly clarkson-since you've been gone... and all the other oldie songs we listned to in the car.... oldies 95.... doo wad diddy diddy dum diddy doo....
sang n Jeffs face.... Took lots of pictures
lots of random pictures
stayed till the end 12 AM. only thought id stay till 10 or so...
went home. changed
went to DANAE's, watched blue comedy tour
Theres yer sign
jeff drove me home
saw UFO's
they were really street lights reflection on my window
the dog was still in the same spot(on the chair in living area) as we left him when we got home to change

I wore the poofy orange dress.. he wore the tuxido w/ yellow vest and long tie...
i need to get richards pic and put britney boobies on him
me and Danae are gunna learn to poll dance this summer

Everytime i had to get back in the car... jeff had to tuck me in because my dress was so massive! it got annoying... but it was really sweet of him to do all that... and be a perfect gentleman allll night long :-D
great night
3 AM i got home
whats on TV... MOOSE.... yet the huge antlered animal woot
its time for bed!!
night