The kids are back today. God, it's great to see them again. The oldest is as tall as I am now... that'll take some getting used to... The older niece is closer to me than ever... however, the youngest seems to be drifting away from me. This saddens me a little bit... but I have to let go some time. Still, I wish I had just a bit longer....
In the process of moving. Senor douchebag who I was trying to be nice to in regards to his truck will soon find himself without any method of contacting me whatsoever. His fault for not treating my house with respect. Now, if he wants payment, he's going to play it MY way. I will contact him when I am ready, and he will not have a way to contact me at all. Everything will be going per my discretion. If he doesn't like that, well, screw him. He can shoulder it all on his own.
...I got the news today. Jim lost his battle against cancer. Another friend I've outlived... and I don't understand why. You'd think, after 30 years, I'd be a little more numb to this sort of thing. We're born... we live a little while... we die... and when a person dies, everything they were, are, and ever wanted to be disappears....
And we're just left with a void... the someone we used to talk with and joke around with, work hard with, and dedicate so much of our time to helping out... no longer exists...
And the only way they live on in this world is to leave an inspiration within someone else... which also fades over time as generations pass, and memories are forgotten. We're left with two things: History books, which ignore you if you didn't do something to shake the entire planet, and which can be corrupted, and Legends... memories, stories of people and places long ago forgotten, contorted from person to person, until ultimately, in either case, neither path leaves any trace of the genuine soul who existed among others here...
There has to be a better method for enduring beyond mortality than this....
Well, the new job has come, finally. And just when I think things are getting better, I'm getting threatening phone calls. This guy I used to work with is claiming I owe him over a grand in towing bills because the truck he failed to be honest with me about died on the road, had to be abandoned and towed. Now, he never gave me any receipts, nor an up-to-date title or registration, nor did he ever go to the DMV with me to change the ownership officially. The last one they could trace the ownership to legally was, in fact, him. But being the nice guy I am, I offered to make good on it and help him recover his costs. Trouble was, at the time, I was having a significant lack of income when I bumped into him. I gave him my home phone number in a gesture of good faith, and told him I'd be in touch.
Well, the new job began on Monday, finally, but apparently, as I was working the last two days, he calls and leaves messages with the room-mates, saying that it "would be in (my) best interest to send payment," and that "(I) had better call him back in the morning, or else."
Now, I've done my research. Legally, no receipts, no title, no registration, this all equals not a single legal leg to stand on. And in the law's eyes, a "verbal contract," as it were, has no legal basis in amounts over $500. Whether or not he recovers his costs depends on how charitable he keeps me feeling, and frankly, threatening me isn't likely to turn my mood in his favor. If he takes it to court, this is fine with me, as it won't hold up, and he'll end up paying several thousand more in legal fees. If he attempts to pursue something a little less legitimate, and does the wrong thing at the wrong time, well... let's say the least he can expect is a severe crippling/maim
I'm willing to help him out and be the good guy, but if he's going to be a dick about it, he's going to learn a painful lesson real quick. You don't fuck with a guy on his home turf.
...I think I'm losing it....
This waiting game is getting to me. I'm hitting rock bottom. Scratch that... I've hit rock bottom long ago... I've been chiseling my way further down ever since. The money keeps going down, the debt keeps climbing faster and faster. And of course, time continues in it's relentless quest to pass me by. I reflected on how only a decade ago, which seems so little, yet forever at the same time, the world was my oyster. I had a job I loved, a woman I adored, my whole family, while dysfunctional, was still intact...
The woman long ago betrayed me and left. The job changed and I left. My father died, my mentor killed himself, the subsequent jobs have been a very temporary respite, and the only family I have left will soon outgrow me... And it seems the harder I fight to reclaim some shred of my humanity, any fragment of my sanity, the faster it all slips through my fingers...
I'm so very tired... tired of the waiting, tired of defying the inevitable.... Often, lately, I find myself staring at my sword, remembering what it once meant to me.... I find myself staring at all the pills in the cupboards, remembering how hard I studied about them in some misguided attempt to improve my lot in life, and to attempt to make people believe I might be more than I was... they're all beginning to look so very friendly now....
But am I ready for that last step? I've always shied away from it before... but I'm getting desperate. Nothing, something, anything... it has to feel better than this.... It's over 80 degrees and I feel like ice inside. Before, when my mind and will were stronger, I could deal with this... I could bear the solitude and the pressure... but I don't think I have the strength anymore... maybe I am as weak as my mentor was... or maybe he was stronger than I? Do I really have what it takes to make that last step into oblivion? Well... we'll see what happens this week... my time is quickly coming to a close, but while my sister is still here, I won't darken the time she's expecting to have. She's excited for her trip, and I think her kids are, too.... God, I love them... how I miss them.... I wonder if I'd feel that in the afterlife.... but I'll wait until they're already away. It'll give me one last chance to pull myself out of this rut... and if I cannot, at least they'll have a chance to enjoy themselves on their vacation. If that's the case... I'd best be sure I make my last arrangements..
....It hurts... it just hurts.
Going on the hunt again today. I wish someone would just call me up one day and say "Oh, my GOD! Where the hell have you BEEN all of our lives? Can you start today? We've NEEDED you!" so I can tell my current employers where they can shove their policies, their stupid little rules, their methods of screwing over their workers, and the whole damn company.
Of course, why can't someone also call me and tell me I've won the lottery or something? That would make it much easier, too.
My sister has begun asking me to sing and help lead church worship again... but am I really meant to glorify God in front of others, when I have done so much in my life to the contrary? Who am I to proclaim the greatness of God in front of others, when my own faith has been such a horrendous struggle? It is something I should pray about, I guess.
Well... we'll see how things go. God, I wish the kids would come home already. I miss them so much....
Well, the kids have been away to their grandmother's house again, this time, anywhere from 2 weeks to 7 months. Okay... so not really 7 months, but it feels that way. God, I miss them so much....
Much has changed since I last wrote. I'm looking desperately for a change in career, as my current occupation is driving me insane. I haven't heard from my former co-worker, which is a shame. We did another fundraiser for him recently, and it went reasonably well. Other than that, there's no further news of him.
I'm currently also feeling very old... more so than just physically. I'm mentally and emotionally tired as well... it's one of those times where I would love to just give up. I continually hear from my sister, who has been nervous about my health and well-being, but frankly, in regards to myself, I cannot bring myself to care anymore. I've felt dead inside for a very long time now. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't feel good. I guess the way I could best describe it is... apathy.
I hide this, of course, for my sister and for the sake of her children, who I love more than anything. Truly, they're all I have left to live for... and soon, I won't even have that. They're all growing up so very fast. The eldest has a part-time job, the middle, a babysitting job. The youngest has no job yet, but I still feel her falling away from me. She is no longer the little girl I knew, the one whose world became infinitely brighter every time Uncle Mike came to visit. She's in her mid-teens now... and very much becoming her own person, bringing my usefulness that much closer to an end....
Eventually, all things will pass, including me. With nobody else to pass my life on to, my possessions will go to those children. Will they use them to remember me? Will they hold me in any regard? Will my story go unremembered in the closet, eventually given away or sold in a yard sale? I wished to be so much more to them... but even I cannot fight time. *sigh*
I'm feeling way too emo about this... I think I need some fresh air.....
God, I'm tired... spent the last week doing fundraising for a coworker of mine... he has cancer and is going under the knife in November. The sickness has him beaten down, and the bills keep piling up. Hopefully, the funds raised will help him out.
Other than that, I'm just exhausted. Roomie's daughter is being retarded again, which means the state wants to take her son away (not a bad idea), and of course, roomie's gotta play "super dad" and go to the rescue... meaning the grandson I refer to as "Banshee" will be staying here again and caterwauling all hours of the night. Joy.
Remind me again why 40th trimester abortion isn't legal?
So it's been a little bit since my last posting, and I'm bored out of my mind. Haven't slept all night, and it's now 8:30 AM... I'm beginning to wonder if I might have some insomnia disorder....
Found a new game to play... depending on how the PK is, it might keep me busy for a few weeks. Hopefully it's more loyal to my free time than some certain people who were supposed to have contacted me yesterday... bleh.
Anyway, I'm wide awake, but I've got to try to sleep... I still need to contact a possible new place of employment and see if I can't cut down my commute a bit... gas prices are such a drag.
So, with this first entry, this diary is no longer empty. Sad, perhaps, but not empty.
Where to begin? Hmm. I'd have to say I'm not looking forward to my day at work tomorrow. Our district manager will be arriving with his chief brown-noser, and since they have nothing better to do, they're going to proceed to make our lives hell. Yay. I'm half-tempted to wake up early, just to pay work a before-schedul
...Must be nice to have a job where all you do all day is show up to shit on people.
I've been thinking, and I believe I just need a job where I can travel, see the world, and get paid loads of money for it. There HAS to be something more important out there than Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears, Brangelina, or whatever else the tabloids/dimer
Or maybe I'm just becoming a bit jaded. Who knows? I do know that I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy... and that I miss my nephew and nieces like crazy. They're due home in a week, but who knows how much they've grown in the months that my back has been turned? Meh.