...I think I'm losing it....
This waiting game is getting to me. I'm hitting rock bottom. Scratch that... I've hit rock bottom long ago... I've been chiseling my way further down ever since. The money keeps going down, the debt keeps climbing faster and faster. And of course, time continues in it's relentless quest to pass me by. I reflected on how only a decade ago, which seems so little, yet forever at the same time, the world was my oyster. I had a job I loved, a woman I adored, my whole family, while dysfunctional, was still intact...
The woman long ago betrayed me and left. The job changed and I left. My father died, my mentor killed himself, the subsequent jobs have been a very temporary respite, and the only family I have left will soon outgrow me... And it seems the harder I fight to reclaim some shred of my humanity, any fragment of my sanity, the faster it all slips through my fingers...
I'm so very tired... tired of the waiting, tired of defying the inevitable.... Often, lately, I find myself staring at my sword, remembering what it once meant to me.... I find myself staring at all the pills in the cupboards, remembering how hard I studied about them in some misguided attempt to improve my lot in life, and to attempt to make people believe I might be more than I was... they're all beginning to look so very friendly now....
But am I ready for that last step? I've always shied away from it before... but I'm getting desperate. Nothing, something, anything... it has to feel better than this.... It's over 80 degrees and I feel like ice inside. Before, when my mind and will were stronger, I could deal with this... I could bear the solitude and the pressure... but I don't think I have the strength anymore... maybe I am as weak as my mentor was... or maybe he was stronger than I? Do I really have what it takes to make that last step into oblivion? Well... we'll see what happens this week... my time is quickly coming to a close, but while my sister is still here, I won't darken the time she's expecting to have. She's excited for her trip, and I think her kids are, too.... God, I love them... how I miss them.... I wonder if I'd feel that in the afterlife.... but I'll wait until they're already away. It'll give me one last chance to pull myself out of this rut... and if I cannot, at least they'll have a chance to enjoy themselves on their vacation. If that's the case... I'd best be sure I make my last arrangements..
....It hurts... it just hurts.
Going on the hunt again today. I wish someone would just call me up one day and say "Oh, my GOD! Where the hell have you BEEN all of our lives? Can you start today? We've NEEDED you!" so I can tell my current employers where they can shove their policies, their stupid little rules, their methods of screwing over their workers, and the whole damn company.
Of course, why can't someone also call me and tell me I've won the lottery or something? That would make it much easier, too.
My sister has begun asking me to sing and help lead church worship again... but am I really meant to glorify God in front of others, when I have done so much in my life to the contrary? Who am I to proclaim the greatness of God in front of others, when my own faith has been such a horrendous struggle? It is something I should pray about, I guess.
Well... we'll see how things go. God, I wish the kids would come home already. I miss them so much....
Well, the kids have been away to their grandmother's house again, this time, anywhere from 2 weeks to 7 months. Okay... so not really 7 months, but it feels that way. God, I miss them so much....
Much has changed since I last wrote. I'm looking desperately for a change in career, as my current occupation is driving me insane. I haven't heard from my former co-worker, which is a shame. We did another fundraiser for him recently, and it went reasonably well. Other than that, there's no further news of him.
I'm currently also feeling very old... more so than just physically. I'm mentally and emotionally tired as well... it's one of those times where I would love to just give up. I continually hear from my sister, who has been nervous about my health and well-being, but frankly, in regards to myself, I cannot bring myself to care anymore. I've felt dead inside for a very long time now. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't feel good. I guess the way I could best describe it is... apathy.
I hide this, of course, for my sister and for the sake of her children, who I love more than anything. Truly, they're all I have left to live for... and soon, I won't even have that. They're all growing up so very fast. The eldest has a part-time job, the middle, a babysitting job. The youngest has no job yet, but I still feel her falling away from me. She is no longer the little girl I knew, the one whose world became infinitely brighter every time Uncle Mike came to visit. She's in her mid-teens now... and very much becoming her own person, bringing my usefulness that much closer to an end....
Eventually, all things will pass, including me. With nobody else to pass my life on to, my possessions will go to those children. Will they use them to remember me? Will they hold me in any regard? Will my story go unremembered in the closet, eventually given away or sold in a yard sale? I wished to be so much more to them... but even I cannot fight time. *sigh*
I'm feeling way too emo about this... I think I need some fresh air.....
God, I'm tired... spent the last week doing fundraising for a coworker of mine... he has cancer and is going under the knife in November. The sickness has him beaten down, and the bills keep piling up. Hopefully, the funds raised will help him out.
Other than that, I'm just exhausted. Roomie's daughter is being retarded again, which means the state wants to take her son away (not a bad idea), and of course, roomie's gotta play "super dad" and go to the rescue... meaning the grandson I refer to as "Banshee" will be staying here again and caterwauling all hours of the night. Joy.
Remind me again why 40th trimester abortion isn't legal?
So it's been a little bit since my last posting, and I'm bored out of my mind. Haven't slept all night, and it's now 8:30 AM... I'm beginning to wonder if I might have some insomnia disorder....
Found a new game to play... depending on how the PK is, it might keep me busy for a few weeks. Hopefully it's more loyal to my free time than some certain people who were supposed to have contacted me yesterday... bleh.
Anyway, I'm wide awake, but I've got to try to sleep... I still need to contact a possible new place of employment and see if I can't cut down my commute a bit... gas prices are such a drag.
So, with this first entry, this diary is no longer empty. Sad, perhaps, but not empty.
Where to begin? Hmm. I'd have to say I'm not looking forward to my day at work tomorrow. Our district manager will be arriving with his chief brown-noser, and since they have nothing better to do, they're going to proceed to make our lives hell. Yay. I'm half-tempted to wake up early, just to pay work a before-schedul
...Must be nice to have a job where all you do all day is show up to shit on people.
I've been thinking, and I believe I just need a job where I can travel, see the world, and get paid loads of money for it. There HAS to be something more important out there than Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears, Brangelina, or whatever else the tabloids/dimer
Or maybe I'm just becoming a bit jaded. Who knows? I do know that I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy... and that I miss my nephew and nieces like crazy. They're due home in a week, but who knows how much they've grown in the months that my back has been turned? Meh.