Going on the hunt again today. I wish someone would just call me up one day and say "Oh, my GOD! Where the hell have you BEEN all of our lives? Can you start today? We've NEEDED you!" so I can tell my current employers where they can shove their policies, their stupid little rules, their methods of screwing over their workers, and the whole damn company.

Of course, why can't someone also call me and tell me I've won the lottery or something? That would make it much easier, too.

My sister has begun asking me to sing and help lead church worship again... but am I really meant to glorify God in front of others, when I have done so much in my life to the contrary? Who am I to proclaim the greatness of God in front of others, when my own faith has been such a horrendous struggle? It is something I should pray about, I guess.

Well... we'll see how things go. God, I wish the kids would come home already. I miss them so much....

Well, the kids have been away to their grandmother's house again, this time, anywhere from 2 weeks to 7 months. Okay... so not really 7 months, but it feels that way. God, I miss them so much....

Much has changed since I last wrote. I'm looking desperately for a change in career, as my current occupation is driving me insane. I haven't heard from my former co-worker, which is a shame. We did another fundraiser for him recently, and it went reasonably well. Other than that, there's no further news of him.

I'm currently also feeling very old... more so than just physically. I'm mentally and emotionally tired as well... it's one of those times where I would love to just give up. I continually hear from my sister, who has been nervous about my health and well-being, but frankly, in regards to myself, I cannot bring myself to care anymore. I've felt dead inside for a very long time now. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't feel good. I guess the way I could best describe it is... apathy.

I hide this, of course, for my sister and for the sake of her children, who I love more than anything. Truly, they're all I have left to live for... and soon, I won't even have that. They're all growing up so very fast. The eldest has a part-time job, the middle, a babysitting job. The youngest has no job yet, but I still feel her falling away from me. She is no longer the little girl I knew, the one whose world became infinitely brighter every time Uncle Mike came to visit. She's in her mid-teens now... and very much becoming her own person, bringing my usefulness that much closer to an end....

Eventually, all things will pass, including me. With nobody else to pass my life on to, my possessions will go to those children. Will they use them to remember me? Will they hold me in any regard? Will my story go unremembered in the closet, eventually given away or sold in a yard sale? I wished to be so much more to them... but even I cannot fight time. *sigh*

I'm feeling way too emo about this... I think I need some fresh air.....

God, I'm tired... spent the last week doing fundraising for a coworker of mine... he has cancer and is going under the knife in November. The sickness has him beaten down, and the bills keep piling up. Hopefully, the funds raised will help him out.

Other than that, I'm just exhausted. Roomie's daughter is being retarded again, which means the state wants to take her son away (not a bad idea), and of course, roomie's gotta play "super dad" and go to the rescue... meaning the grandson I refer to as "Banshee" will be staying here again and caterwauling all hours of the night. Joy.

Remind me again why 40th trimester abortion isn't legal?

So it's been a little bit since my last posting, and I'm bored out of my mind. Haven't slept all night, and it's now 8:30 AM... I'm beginning to wonder if I might have some insomnia disorder....

Found a new game to play... depending on how the PK is, it might keep me busy for a few weeks. Hopefully it's more loyal to my free time than some certain people who were supposed to have contacted me yesterday... bleh.

Anyway, I'm wide awake, but I've got to try to sleep... I still need to contact a possible new place of employment and see if I can't cut down my commute a bit... gas prices are such a drag.

So, with this first entry, this diary is no longer empty. Sad, perhaps, but not empty.

Where to begin? Hmm. I'd have to say I'm not looking forward to my day at work tomorrow. Our district manager will be arriving with his chief brown-noser, and since they have nothing better to do, they're going to proceed to make our lives hell. Yay. I'm half-tempted to wake up early, just to pay work a before-schedule visit and say what's really on my mind, and let them stew in their own juices because I'd be off the clock and there wouldn't be a damn thing they could do about it.

...Must be nice to have a job where all you do all day is show up to shit on people.

I've been thinking, and I believe I just need a job where I can travel, see the world, and get paid loads of money for it. There HAS to be something more important out there than Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears, Brangelina, or whatever else the tabloids/dimerags seem to want to stuff down our throats... again.

Or maybe I'm just becoming a bit jaded. Who knows? I do know that I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy... and that I miss my nephew and nieces like crazy. They're due home in a week, but who knows how much they've grown in the months that my back has been turned? Meh.