Well I've been thinking a lot lately.. Not all good but not all bad things either.. Like ive been treated good by most of the people in my life but some are just like a little bug buzzing in your ear if you know what I mean. Like I love the people to death (not naming names) but its just some times they just piss me off to the point where I find myself not able to get out.. They also make me so depressed that i just break down and cry. its hard cuz the person you love to death or at least think you do sits there and you fight most of the time. it hurts me a lot just to sit there and see him fall in love with another girl that isnt you. yeah no doubt there are other fish in the sea how the saying goes but still you find that one you want or think you want to be with for the rest of your life then something goes wrong and you break up then they find some one new and so do you but it doesnt work out for one of them and its like you sit there wondering what they are doing and who they are with wanting to call then but dont wanting to message them but dont because of fear that they will yell at you or even worse just not say anything at all to you.

Yeah i have a lot of wonderful things in my life but the whole deal about not having that special guy in my life to help me see all that. yeah no doubt i have my family and friends who will help me to my feet when i cant walk on my own and the who education thing so i can get the job i want and get working agian. but its like with out having that special person its like im not even sure who i am any more. im not sure who i am supposed to be and what im supposed to be. i thought i found him once but he fell in love again and its killing me inside..



well im out for now cuz if i keep typing im going to start crying.. so peace

This ones for Kayla a great friend. We miss you.

I loved you from the beginning
You were a true friend
I needed your hand to hold on to
And to me it you would always lend

Our ages were different
But I loved you from the start
You now are far away
And I wish we did not have to part

I was not there with you
When you went into very deep sleep
And I did not say goodbye
But your memory I will always keep

When I read this I will weep
For your memory I will cry,
Because I never saw your last breath,
Because I never said goodbye

Kayla Rider was a wonderful person. she ment a lot to so many people and touched so many peoples hearts. she is going to be greatly missed by all of us. we know she had health problems and had to have a heart transplant and also get some blood and all then she got really sick. She loved to sing and knew how to cheer just about any one up on their wost of days. I know i wasnt a perfect friend to her and i let her down at times but i know she forgave me for it and she looked pass my mistakes as i did hers. Tears have been shed and memories have been shared and yet she still remains in all of our hearts for the rest of our lives until we see her again on the streets of gold. she is greatly missed and loved. she lived a wonderful life with many many friends and family who cared about her.

well things here at home havent gotten much better. nothing really has if you ask me. my depression isnt helping much either. like ive been either really happy or really upset. right now im sick so im in the kinda blah mood and really could care less aobut things. moms boyfriend is blaming me for getting him sick when i didnt i cam down with this shit yesterday and i wasnt even around him i was up in my room sleeping all day so yeah he needs to think again. err i hate him so much

I remember grandmas face
she always had a smile
i remember her soft hands
for anyone shed walk a mile

how i miss, how she use to hold me
tell me story's late at night
and when there was a thunder storm
shed hold me close and tell me every things gonna be alright

I miss the way she use to smell
like peppermint and fa-breeze
the way we use to pray to god
every night upon our knees

I miss her voice when she use to sing
the way she kissed my head
and the simple way she hugged me
when she tucked me into bed

I cant believe shes gone
never again will i hear her voice
i guess it was going to happen
It wasn't really her choice

i never got to say goodbye...
it hurts me to this day
they never let me see her again
they said i had to stay

she is now a memory tucked inside my head
time wont mend my pain
life with out my grandma
will never be the same

I love it when you smile,
I love it when you shine,
I also loved it when you told me everything will be just fine.

You were there when I cried,
You were there when I was down,
You made me smile so I wouldn't have a frown!

I miss you so much,
Thinking about the good times we had,
All those memories made me kind of sad.

I know you will always be here,
I know I wont be able to see you,
But I will always remember your love for me was true!

I love you grandma,
Now you're not in pain to be,
You are now in heaven safe and free.

I love you And I miss you Grandma!!!

well todays the viewing.. im not going because its going to be to hard one me and stuff. so instead im going to alicias and shes gonna try and help me get my mind off things for a bit. im not sure what all is going to happen today or not but i am so fridgen tired from lack of sleep. i miss my great grandma so much now. she is greatly missed.

You all are important to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other
students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between
each name.
Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about
each of their classmates and write it down.
It took the remainder of the class period to finish their
assignment,
and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a
separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said
about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the
entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never
knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me
so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if
they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't
matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were
happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved
on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and
his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had
never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so
handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved
him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to
bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came
up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded:
"yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to
a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting
to speak with his teacher.
"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet
out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We
thought you might recognize it."
Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of
notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded
many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the
ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's
classmates had said about him.
"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can
see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie
smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in
the top drawer of my desk at home."
Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."
"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."
Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out
her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group "I
carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an
eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for
Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that
life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.
So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are
special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Send this message on. If you do
not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful
opportunity to do something nice and beautiful

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it
means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.
If you're "too busy" to take those few minutes right now to forward
this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do
that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

>> >> > The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at
reaching out to those you care about.
Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of
others comes back into your own.

May Your Day Be As Blessed As
You Are Special

well i just got the news that my great grandmother isnt going to make it though the night.. it hurts so much. like i dont know what to say, think, or do. she means a lot to me and i dont want her to pass. but i know she will be looking down on me from heaven. its hard to even talk about it right now so when im able to ill write more.

ah i just wish it all would stop right now.. im sick of all the fighting and all that stuff here at home. i know none of you really know what im talkin about so i should prolly expalin.

okay i moved out of my moms for a few months so i could calm down and collect myself and give her time away from me also. well i moved back in thinking things would be at least a little different and stuff and i was totally wrong. now some days i wish i wouldnt have moved back in because of everything. I dont get along with her boyfriend one bit and he doesnt like me either. my mom doesnt seem to notice that hes just pushing her out of my life and she doesnt care to what i see.

well for the past week or so hes been yelling at my mom and making her cry and i cant stand that. i hate to hear my mom cry. well he got what was coming to him last night by brother. well he got all in his face telling him that he needs to get off his ass and all this and all that kinda stuff and i was glad he did dont get me wrong cuz someone finally got the balls to do it and all but its like i just want the fighting to stop for a while and everything to cool off. i wish robbie would leave and never come back. but like that will ever happen in my life time. i dont know i just guess that im sick of me having to keep shut up about everything that goes on and stuff and not be able to say a word i guess thats why i am the way i am right now cuz i cant say anything or i get kicked out and have to live with my dad. so yeah. i just want things to calm down for a while and things to just go my way for at least one day. but i should go for now ill keep yall updated on what happens for who ever reads this.


About the one i posted a while back. i am still not sleeping all that well and im still dealing with the problem. i havent heard any more information on it yet but when i do ill let yall know about it. just another thing thats always on my mind if he will do it again and to who. that guy is a perv and needs to get his ass where he belongs and thats not in this town. i was his grand daughter and he had the nerve to do that. what a sick sick man and i trusted him. i feel really stupid now for doing something like that for him. well talk to you later..
love always ~smurfy~

My whole life just took another spin and its not that good of a one either. Saturday night and early Sunday mornging was the worst i have ever felt in my whole life well not the worst but the same worst as the last time it happened to be but yea im just really hurting right now nad its like im not sure what to say, do, think or anything any more i cant eat or anything i cant sleep i need help i know

ALLEGAN -- An Allegan County boy died after a semi truck hit him while he was riding his bike.

The accident occurred around 1 p.m. Wednesday along Western Avenue, also known as M-40, in Allegan.

Police refused to release details about the crash. Allegan Police Chief Rick Hoyer says they are not releasing information out of respect for the family.

Friends of the victim's father told 24 Hour News 8 the boy's name is Leigh Crisman of Pullman. He was apparently visiting friends in the area.

The kids were riding their bikes on a sidewalk along what local residents call Water Tower Hill - a heavily traveled portion of Western Avenue.

Apparently the boys came down the hill when Crisman lost control of his bicycle and fell into the road, in front of the semi truck.

Police say there is no criminal investigation, and we assume the driver of the truck has been cleared of any wrongdoing. A large skid marks in the road shows where the driver tried to avoid hitting the boy.

Friends of the boy' dad - members of the Wolfpack Motorcycle Group - say they will work with the city to figure out a way to construct some kind of barrier between the street and the sidewalk.

The group says it is planning a ride for later this summer to raise funds for whatever project they can come up with to build the barrier.



~may he rest in peace and may god be with his family and friends as they go though this hard time that has come apon them~

i dont know what to think any more...

its been a while from the last time i wrote in here..man i think im going crazy..i dont know what to do any more i ran away twice...now my bf is so pissed off at me he wont even talk to me i think he wants to break up and i dont want that cuz i love him with all my heart i would die for him...i dont know what to do...

i dont know what to do any more it seems like one of my really good friends think that i dont trust him but who knows i like this one guy but i dont know if i should ask him out or not im sick of getting my heart broken and im sick of breaking the guys hearts...if you know what i mean....i went to the lake today got sun burn that sucks ass...i just dont know any more what to do i dont want to know what to do either so yeah

im sick of all the bitching just leave me alone

the pain


no one understands me,
they dont know how it makes me feel,
they always criticise me,
they make me feel like im not real,



some times i wonder why im here,
most days i wish i would just drop down dead,
and put everyone out of their miseery,
so i lie here on my bed,
wiht a knife in my hand,
do i dare?
to kill my self,
if i did its not like theyd care,
i push the blade through my brain,
i feel the blood rund down my face,
im going to go to hell now,
its a far better place,



im leaving all my troubles be hind,
and all the people who made me sad,
im leaving the world were i once lived,
and all the things that made me mad,
all the times i felt that i,
just could not go on,



all the times i felt that i,
was being stranded upon,
but now those times are over,
because i have ended my life,
and all of this was possible,
with the sharp edge of a knife.