My [Ayame Whitepaws] is being eeebbbbiilll...! >.>;'
She *knows* I got to get ready for worky soooooon.. and she's sexually teeeaasssiinngggg meeeeee... <.<;'...

..Ish so mean!
Buut.. <.<;' I.. don't really mynd! ~Cough.~
Hey, you cant call me a slut for that, cuz I'm only a slut for one person! Mwahahaha!

..Otay, I gotta get ready for work in lyke an hour almost.. sooo.. >.>;'..
Byez! Gonna go spend somet ime wif my ebil love. >.<

I have some very good news, and some very bad news..
We'll start with the good news, since all I usually post is bad news...

Me and [Ayame Whitepaws] got back together on August first.. And proposed to eachother on August fifth.. So now she's my fiance! :p
That's right, getting married to the love of my lyfe.. not sure how it'll work with the whole anti-gay marriage thing.. we'll work something out! ^-^
We're haaaappppppppppppppppeh together, and our bond is stronger than ever.. o.O;'
[Miya] found herself someone else, which is also good. I love it when there's a happy ending! ^.^

Otay.. now for the bad news...
TWO WEEKS without [The Darkest Star.]. >.<!
How does she expect me to survive when she goes on vacation?! Lol. >.<;'..
I'm gunna miss her SO much. >.<;'..

That about coverz it! Thankz fo' readin' peepz!

~*Sighs deeply..*~
Looks like it's going to be another day of me not seeing [Ayame Whitepaws].. God I miss her, I hope she's okay.. v.v;'

I got to go to work soon.. and.. bleh.. I really don't want to.. but I really need the money because I spent all my money.. e.e;'..

Bleh..
I just want to hold meh wub clsoe and doze off.. why does life have to be so annoying? >.<;'

You can tell which is your dominant arm when you go to work and by the end of the day one is in severe pain and shock and the other is ready to work another 9-hour shift.
My job is kind of lame, all I do is stock shelves and talk to stupid people at a conveniance store. Meh, I guess everyone has to start somewhere.

Right now I am relaxing after a long day of work, a day which took seemingly forever. Oh well, at least one of my friends worked some of the same hours as me, that was nice, a friendly face.

I.. missed my loves anniversary.. but apparently I missed much, much more than that..
Something happened today, and now I am very curious what, but all who can tell me appeared to have made themselves scarce.

I was on time coming home from work, maybe a little early, actually, but no sign of [Ayame Whitepaws].. Bleh, I thought that's how it would turn out.
Gawd I miss her.. Wherever yew are Kyootsy, yew better be alright.. ~Holds her tightwy.~
I'm listening to.. our theme song.. ^-^

I got not much more to say right now, except.. goodnight!

Mrew..
Today I was.. dragged to the store which I did clothes shopping for a few hours. :\
Worse yet: it was clothes for *work*. ~Shivers.~
I look horrible in white.. >.<;'

Meh, my first day on the job is tomorrow 9am-6pm.. and [Ayame Whitepaws] usually leaves at around 7pm.. so at most I'll only see her for like fourty minutes tomorrow.. (if at all..)
~Cwies..~
I didn't get to see her much today, either.. v.v;'..
I missle her! e.e;'

Mrew.. in other news.. Cazzikins has made me a shekshi new banner.. Which cheered meh up a lot. Thankies Cazzi! ^-^

Hmm..
[On Any Given Night] and I seem to be keeping in touch, which is good, because although I seemed cruel to her, a part of me still seeks her adoration, regardless of how I feel about her part in the whole [Kusu], [Miya], and [Ayame Whitepaws] thing..
I hope we can be friends again. >.<;'..

Olivia and Jess' one month anniversary is coming up tomorrow.. looks like I won't be here for that..
Meh..
That's probably a good thing for me, I'd probably.. y'know.. get all depressed and stuff.
Anniversarys are very.. common, seemingly..
In one day, it will be the one month anniversary of how long I've been alone. o.o;'..
Mrew..
And many more months to come, maybe.. but hopefully not..

Sorry to [Big Brother], [Dwemer], whoever else who I am neglecting EP duties from.. :\..
I'm really, y'know..
Busy..
Today was exam.. and yeah.. >.<;'..
Whoa..
Excluding the fact that I have a job now, I should be here a lot more often. Thanks everybody, and good night!

P.s:
I'm still in love with [Ayame Whitepaws], however..
I am growing close to [The Darkest Star.], and we're naturally good friends now.
They are the two I love most at this time, though I love them on different levels. ([Ayame Whitepaws] as my heart and world, [The Darkest Star.] as my closest friend and.. dare I say, most adored contact. o.o;'

Alright. I'm going to be late getting on today. I have a test, and I don't exactly want to miss it. (Will be home 12:40 or sooner.. probably.)
Tomorrow is my first day of work, too. (9am-6pm) so I wont be here much tomorrow, either.
I'll see yew all lata.. [The Darkest Star.] I wub yur new shtuff yew made, haha. ^-^
Otay! >.>;'..
<.<;'..
BB ASAP! ~Huggles all.~
Flowaz fo' teh [Ayame Whitepaws].. o.o

(Dun' ask why I talky laaaaammmmee.. o.o)

Hmm..
Well, I got the job.
three days a week, 9 hour shifts. I start saturday, 9am-6pm. It's gonna be rough for me in the beginning, but I'll survive, I'm sure.
I need the extra money, anyways. This computer has definitely had better days. Besides, I need a car, too. >.<;'
Eep.

Today was relatively good, as far as this whole emotional disorder goes.
Everything seems to be going well, and by well, I mean.. a lot less drama ever since everything started all going to hell. o.O;'
Meh..
I guess I wont miss the drama, but I will miss some of the people involved with it. >.<;'
The Wub of my lyfe ish otay, and derefore I are happy!

Hmm..
Mrew, that about covers it!
My Ebil Kitty Appwentice has a black person following her around.. o.O;'.. (Lmao, inside jokey.)
I must killy him! Bwahehehehehehe!! ~*Sqeak.~
Otay! Time to goes! <3

I'll be here later than usual today.. I would say 12:40pm mt like usual.. but I got a job interview, too. It's nothing too spectacular, just something I can make a little cash off of..

I'll be home as soon as I can..
The poem of truth:
My love, I love.

XD..I'm just playing. Anyways, I'll be here to see everyone shortly. Thanks Cazzikins for being here for me yesterday. ~Huggle.~
My ebil kitty appwentice is awesome. >.o

~*Softly sings her and her loves old theme song aloud..*~

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me

Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper

How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
did you ever know
That I had mine on you

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if your're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer


(I actually did sing that.. irl.. meh.. my voice sucks.. Faye Wong makes it sound so much better..)

You'll know if this part of my entry is addressed to you by the way I'm talking. :p

I'm bored.
Your head games now bore me.
Did it ever occor to you that no matter what you attempted I will still love her?
Hmm.. Hopefully it does now!

And guess what? I may seem to have given in to heathenism and given up.. but truth be told, I will never give up, because she told me never to give up. Satisfied yet?

Now that you've done everything to push me away, to seporate us, to throw me out the door.. I'm only happy to say, "farewell".
Knowing that tomorrow brings happier days, and a few tomorrows from now, I may be able to be happy again.

Also..
I've concidered other people, just as [Miya] did, so no, I'm not this ruthless self serving bitch you've all described me as.
Hmm.. welcome to my world, I don't think you'll like it here, it's very unfriendly to people who try to take my heart apart piece by piece.

Now I'm going to bed, and hopefully having a nice dream about something that is honestly none of your business.



This part is for the person I love.

Hmm.. I hope you had a good rest. o.o;' You never did answer my question, but my intuition says I'm right. ^-^"
It's.. somewhat of a relief.. I guess..

Sorry if I'm causing you any trouble.. >.<;' I honestly don't mean to..
Anyways..! Keep in mind what I said today..
I'm through with the brave face in the heart of pain.. >.o;'..

I wub wu foweber..
I'm glad you liked my gift for you..



This is addressed to my REAL best friends.

Thank you [The Darkest Star.].. especially for today.. keep in touch, okay? You're the best.. ~Hugs.~
Helping you was not a problem, so don't worry about it!

Umm.. John.. I forget your EP name.. but.. thanks for being with me.. at my side.. for two years..

And.. [Big Brother]..
Thanks for trying to help me recently, it means a lot.



Anyways, it seems early, but I really have to stop typing here. Ttyl. :p

It seems that myself and [The Darkest Star.] have more in common, even love troubles. >.<
Whoa, I guess my Ebil Kitty Appwentice knows more about me than I thought. :p

Only a short time until one month of being ditched, as [Miya] so bluntly put it..
But then, what is a month really?
A month of tears, a month of laughter, a month of pain, a month of sadness, a month of happiness..
A month is a month, regardless of status.. It's gone by so fast..
~Sigh.~ I need a new hobby.. people probably think I don't even love [Ayame Whitepaws].. that I'm just infatuated with her or something..
~Sigh.~ As a wise person once told me (today),
"I know it's really easy to say but...don't shed tears for hear. Don't give her the pleasure of knowing that you cry about her, cry for her. You shouldn't be crying about someone who can so easily shrug you off. If I had you, I wouldn't be able to do that, so i don't see how she can... But I wouldn't cry, not for her, not for love..."
And she is absolutely right..

Love is terrible. Love is evil. Love is bad..
I don't want to be in love, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot just give up and take that advice.. ~Sigh.~
I guess if I keep this up [Ayame Whitepaws] will hate me forever.
Meh..

Somebody shoot me now.

Hmm.. me and Kara have dramaticly removed eachother, too bad.. Oh well, she's too blind to see me through it all..
She just gave up when it seemed like the opportunity arised. -Sigh.-

Hurtful truth is, I really did love her.
however.. I would never let that get in the way of my true love.. maybe that's why she stopped caring.
Meh.

Now I have truly given up everything for [Ayame Whitepaws].
Only waiting for the main event.

Hmm..
I wonder what my ex would do in my situation.. not [Ayame Whitepaws], I mean [On Any Given Night].
She'd probably just throw in the white flag and pretend it didn't bother her any.. afterall, giving up is one of her main qualities, just as she gave up on me, Sean, Hayden, and now Zac, I think.
Hmm.. I'm seeing a pattern here!
I wonder if she's ever fallen in love, do you think so?
I'm not so sure. If she fell in love with anyone I'd say it was probably Tyler. But who knows, I don't really know her anymore.

Perhaps I'm not being myself in saying this, or perhaps I'm being more myself than I ever have been..
Goodbye to my old friends from Battle.net. Since you don't need me, I don't need you interfearing with who I care about anymore.

Good luck in your adventure as you continue to push people away.

~Smiles briefly.~
Nevermind, I guess I was wrong, [On Any Given Night] doesn't even know the slightest thing about how I feel.

Yeah, maybe she's right, I am acting pitiful, and I may be picking at her cousin.. but is that really my intent?
Oh, by the way, me and Jess lasted three months, so the time would need to be tripled, Kara. By the way, thanks for trying to rub in that fact.
Besides, as I said, it's almost time to stop crying..

I'm almost finished..
Everything is drawing to a close..

Love, by definition: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Hmm.. I feel all of that.. except the "oneness" part..
Love is described as either the best, or the worse feeling in a world.

The saying, "All good things must come to an end" seems suiting of this situation.. although I do not believe in the phrase..
However, to every bad there is a good, and that is what I do believe.
Perhaps soon I'll be happy again.. you never know..

My tears have recieved little recognition from anyone, and no matter how I try, I cannot seem to do what it is I wish. And here I thought that if you tried hard enough, anything was accessable.

Hopefully soon I will be able to love and be loved, as I once was long ago..
As [Ayame Whitepaws] once said to her new love, "My heart is forever entwined with hers," as is mine, but to a different person than the one [Ayame Whitepaws]chose.
I'm sure you all know who I speak of, [Ayame Whitepaws] herself.

I'm eagerly awaiting the day when life can return to the way life is meant to be lived, however.. the future still seems to be a mystery.. The most apparent resolution seems to be loneliness and despair for me.
Wow, me and [On Any Given Night] both seem to have somewhat similar problems. >.<;'..

I grieve the loss of this love, but I will refuse to move on, no matter what it costs me.

You all probably think I'm a slut by now, trying to be with a girl who's already dating someone...
Let me ask you this: Does a slut sell everything off to one person, just for one single chance to have that one person they love more than anything back?
I didn't think so.

[Miya], congratulations on being with the most wonderful girl in the world, however..
If you ever hurt her as I have, then you'd better hope that I'm not still here..

Speaking of me not being here, I've attempted to leave, repeatedly, actually.
[Ayame Whitepaws], however, stopped me every single time. Thanks Wub, there's your proof that you're my everything.

Furthermore..
A special thank you to [The Darkest Star.] and [Big Brother] for being on my side the entire time.. you two are awesome..

[On Any Given Night], I'm sorry to hear that you and [Kusu] are going through a rough time, I guess now you can understand how I feel a little better now..

~Sigh.~ Love, at the moment, is the most painful thing this world can offer..
I've already offered everything to love that I have to offer, if love doesn't take the bait, then this will continue being my harsh reality.
I've followed my heart, and it lead me here, regardless of everything that's happened.
I will continue to allow my heart to guide me, just as my true love dictates.

Countdown: 5 days until I've been waiting a month to be wif my love again.. o.o;'

I'm... going to be honest..
I spent the time from my last entry until now crying in my room.. and I feel like crap..

Love hurts so much.. I don't want to be in love ever again..

My dad walked in on me crying..
He asked me what was wrong..
I told him..
Jess, everything.. I told him..
He just hugged me and told me that everything would be okay..
He didn't even seem suprised in who I chose to love..
...I like my dad... He's my main link to this family..

My eyes hurt from crying into the fan.. and my dog is sick of me holding her and pouting..
I need..
I don't know..

Jessica (Lilly) Keener: your my friend.. ~smiles weakly~

...Those words.. were the last thing I'm ever going to think of when I tell myself that I love her.. And I do..
I'm crying.. so hard..
Worthless sack of garbage.. that's all..

I am only her friend... why did she lead me on..? Why did she make me cry for all this time..
I'll always love her.. I just dont want her near me..
She hurt her [Miya] because of me..
..I'm not worth that..

Olivia.. good luck with Jess.. she's yours for good now..
Take good care of her.. she's a great girl..
Never hurt her, and she'll remain by your side forever..

I never meant to make anyone cry.. but why am I sorry.. I know that everyone made me cry more than I made them cry.. and I know that my love made me cry the most..

Jess.. if you're reading this..
I still want you all for myself, and I always will..
Ever since last december, when my dream first entered this world.. when I first knew what love was.. up until now..
Now that I am alone and abandoned..
My heart has slipped unto the darkness.. and nothing will bring it back now.. I want no other..
My wish was repeatedly denied.. my eyes sting still with the tears of my eternal sadness..
Now, I shall never love or be loved again.. and that's the way it's meant to be.. from the beginning...

Goodbye to the Jess I knew, loved, respected, wanted to be with.. goodbye to Melly.. where my heart will always reside..

-One Last Note From Your Kitty Kat..

Okay, well.. I got my sister a PSP today, but it's technically mine until she can afford to pay me back for it. So now I have a sweet little hand-held system. -Feels special.- I'm not really much for video games though.. e.e;
I like Halo 2 though, for some reason. o.O;' I wouldn't go out and buy the new XBox or Ps3 on the spot when they came out though. >.<;'

Today was okay after a certain point.
Although everything went wrong, in the end it made everything go right. Mwahaha, I love it when everything works out.

I went a little psycho earlier, I felt like that crazy vampire chick Drusuilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. o.O;' Lol.
It scared more than just me, too. >.<;'..
Sorry for anyone who saw me like that, especially one person who saw me like that a LOT. o.o;'

On the way to Walmart we got cut off by some slimey biatch. Where do these people get their licences from? Why is it legal for hypocrites to drive? Ever heard of a gas peddal, and jesus christ, the girl took corners going 5km/h. I do mine at a min of 30km/h. I hate stupid people.

Yeah, for give me for jumping topics, but today was a little more than harsh on me.
Though what starts horribly had a happy ending. I love it. Kwe.

As for the mood about Cherry Coke, that's a story for another day. Lets just say the name implies more than meets the eye. :p

Thanks for those of my friends who are still.. well.. my friends. Especially [Big Brother], who has been helping me along the way from the very beginning. ~Hugs him.~

Well.. that about covers it.. goodnight everybody. o.o;

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I need a psychiatrist.
I just went through ten minutes of complete and total pain, and I didn't feel any of it. It was like.. my heart was broken, I was crying, but I was still smiling..
I couldn't help myself from laughing, giggling.. and I was crying.. >.<;'.. I'm seriously either lacking sleep or need to stop whatever I'm doing..

Time now seems frozen in the eyes of the heathen.. andmy body appears as an empty shell, waiting for its long deserved retribution..
The soul has climitated and disapeared, the heart has fallen to the screams and cries of my loved ones..
The only thing left for this girl is the passing darkness which now consumes her.. and the faintest hope that the light she has gathered will save her..