As I've Matured... (Me Mature? That's a laugh)

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... < You can stalk people are you want it is really fun. Some try to play game's with you like having the cop's tell you to leave them alone, But that just show's how much they really want you.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. < Are you a blanket thieth? I know I am.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. < I have been a jackass to a very close friend. And I'm sorry Sarah.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. < I know I'm more screwed up then any of you are.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. < I don't do depression. All I have is anger.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. < Can I take off what you'r wearing?

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. < Is that true? I would'nt know...

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. < Everyone know's that.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. < Yes I do. Do you suffer from it or enjoy it?

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. < Why is that true?

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. < That's me down to the letter.

this is soooooooo freaky!!!
Follow the steps at the end...it's weird

1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin
Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911.
9 + 1 + 1 = 11.

7) Three winning lotto numbers in a row on 9/11 was 9-1-1

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. >2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year.
Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers
incident.

Sheer coincidence..?! Read on and make up your own mind:

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic

holy book:
"For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. he wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace."

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

Still uncovinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:
1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first
plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.
2. Highlight the Q33 NY. ( all caps)
3. Change the font size to 48.
4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

<haha

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree they fell from, but don't forget to change the subject line to your tree. Find your tree below and see what you are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11  - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24  - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only)  - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10  - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20  - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30  - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13  - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23  - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only)  - &n bsp; Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04  - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14  - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25  - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04  - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only)  - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnu t Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only)  - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree

TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be conten t, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to
gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (Myst erious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoy s getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to
use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, nob le, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh

This is a test of the emergency alert system. In the envent of an emergency, Run around screaming like a man who just had his dick and balls cut off.

It's a quiet, peaceful night
The moon is shining bright
Giving not a hint of what's in store
A few hours before morning
Without a single warning
Something strange begins to move the floor

*Song Starts*

A quake, a quake
The house begins to shake
You're bouncing 'cross the floor
And watching all your dishes break

You're sleeping; there's a quake
You're instantly awake
You're leaping out of bed
And shouting "Oh for heaven's sake!"

I ran outside with neighbors
Their faces full of shocks
That's because I'm standing there
In nothing but my socks

(Oops!)

A quake, a quake
This must be a mistake
Just feel the ground
Go up and down
Won't someone hit the brake?

A quake, a quake
Oh, what a mess they make
The bricks, the walls
The chimney falls
Destruction in its wake

I did not have insurance
I called them from the scene
And suddenly I'm listening
To an answering machine

Say "Too late, too late
You shouldn't ought to wait
'Cause now you're stuck
We wish you luck
Here comes a six-point-eight!"

Whose fault, whose fault?
Blame it on the fault
'Cause Mister Richter
Can't predict her
Kicking our asphalt

Seismologists all say
Tectonic plates are in between
An encroaching crustal mantle
Yeah, so what the heck's that mean?

It means a quake, a quake
Oh really, yeah, no fake?
We kind of had that feeling
When the ground began to shake

And so we wait
Resign ourselves to fate
Because our lawn
Is sitting on
A continental plate

We shivered through a blizzard
Went swimming in a flood
Then we blew off a hurricane
And now we hear a thud

Of a quake, a quake
How much more can we take?
We thought that we had seen it all
But this one takes the cake

The dirt, the rocks
Those crazy aftershocks
It's just the planet
Moving granite
Several city blocks

Now the town is falling down
While the ground
Moves around
We won't let it get us down
Get beneath the door frame

A quake, a quake
It's time to pull up stake
The worst is over
We don't buy it
We're fed up
We can't deny it
We just want some peace and quiet
So we're moving to Beirut!

Answer For Women's Q's

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ... Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millenium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye.

random thoughts by for the week:

01. someone should cross a chicken with a banana.
02. no one can really take a shit. most people leave them.
03. if i were a grapefruit, i'd have as many seeds as possible.
04. i believe in equality. i'd like to see a women's urinal.
05. who the hell invented women's razors? they're exactly like men's, only more expensive.
06. salami makes circular grease rings on the kitchen ceiling.
07. can you milk a horse? i wanna try clydesdale cheese.
08. if i was a cat, i'd avoid licking my butt.
09. soup is fucking genius...
10. i wonder if orangutangs are actually attracted to each other?
11. whales have rather large penises.
12. i like carpet.
13. flying monkeys must be smart.
14. why the hell are mango seeds hairy? I don't get it...
15. why is sex always better by yourself?
16. penis + penis = oximoron
17. vagina + vagina = no sleep for me tonight!
18. there is no such thing as "up".
19. sushi is yummy. who wouldn't love raw fish and seaweed???
20. stupid people shouldn't breed.

[TRUE RAPE STORY]

Walking in my nighty; rubbing my eyes
My fathers sitting on the sofa with his friend
He pats the seat in the middle; i sit
Shivering so cold; a quilt he lends
"Jessy you love me dont you" a smile; his
Their breathe spirts weep
"Daddy you know i do; what is it?"
He smiles at his friend; his hand creeps
His friend takes my hand; looks me in the eyes
Daddys creeping up my nightie; cold hands
I try to pull his hand away; grip is strong!
They look at one another; nod; something planned
I feel my palms sweat; Daddys under my knickers
"Daddy im going to bed! Night" Pulling again
But there grip is to strong for weak me
I look at both; and ask, who are these men?
His fingers going up me; pulling away
His friend leans forward; a kiss? Why?
His toungue moving mine; my eyes squint
Lean back and away; "Why are you doing this?"
No answer, i feel the pain inside me; him
Chucks the quilt on the floor; me to
I try and scamper away, but im not fast
"O Daddy please, i love you"
His friend; pulling at my nightie
And my Dad pulling my pants down
His friend pinning my hands to the floor
As my Dad lies himself on the ground
I squirm; as Daddy friend pulls me up
And places me ontop of Daddy; thrusts within
I cry; i bite; i scratch; i slap; i fail
"O Daddy please you win you win!"
I can feel my skin rip; my virginity breaking free
I can feel the blood seep down my leg
"Daddy your hurting me please"
I plead to him and his friend; not even a beg
Daddys laughing; why does he laugh?
His friend shoves himself in my mouth and moans
Tieing my hands togather; moving in and out
"Ride me Jessy" He laughs and groans
They smile at one another; laugh to
They roll me over and spread me wide wel
My daddy sits on my face; himself in again
While his friend talks and pushes himself inside
I can hardly breathe; i gag for air
I cough and splutter; cry and weep
I beg and plead; but its no use
Theyve already made me hurt and bleed
I stare into his eyes; that look upon me
This is not my Dad; where is he?
If he was still here; would he care
Would he actually even; see?
Finally they get of and lie me on the sofa
My cheeks blouchy from tears and pain
They play with them selfs; all over me
Rub it in; making me feel the shame
"Why Daddy? Please tell me why?"
Dad looks at his friend; and waves him away
"Jessy i love you" he smiles and kisses my cheek
"Is that all you have in your heart to say?"
He puts my nightie on me
I walks me to my bedroom door
Ever since that night; His friend
And himself every Friday come back for more
"Night sweet Girl; You are my life"
Closing the door, tears still down my face
Still the smell of him and his friend
Fade into me like disgrace
I watch the Moon go down; the sun come up
"Jessy its school" Knocking at my door
I cant help but cry; weep in pain
Because im so scared he wanted more
But one night daddy took it too far
Daddy and his friend came back for one last shot
They were worried they would get caught
So he and his friend took me to a cemetary lot
I was blindfolded and my hands were tied back
"Daddy please!! Not tonight!"
Daddy and his friend both had their last fun
After that i tried to put up a fight
I begged daddy "Please no more!"
All he could say "Shut up you stupid whore!"
Daddy unblindfolded me at last
He said I love you so much
He went back into the car and pulled out a bat
"Daddy I swear I wont say a thing!!!!"
I was dead
After only one swing.....
[*RAPE IS WRONG*]

Well, out in the country, we didn't have mortuaries, and so it was always customary for the undertaker to do his job and lay your kin out right there at home. Yeah, the church would loan you foldin' chairs and you'd have visitation and everything right there. But when the night time come you'd have to sit up with the dead 'cause it wasn't right to leave 'em alone.

Well, the last time I sat up was '65 when my old arthritic Uncle Fred died. He was 97, so stooped over the mortician couldn't straighten him out. They used a loggin' chain to hold him down. Covered that all up with a cape and a gown and didn't tell nobody in the family 'cause that's the kinda stuff folks just don't wanta know about.

Well, we were all sittin' there, it was three in the mornin'
And then there come up a cloud of thunder, lightnin' and stormin'
Well, that lightnin' flashed and that thunder clapped,
And that chain' round old Uncle Fred went snap
It rattled and fell to the floor with a thump, and Uncle Fred just sat right up.....(Yow!)

And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
I don't know 'bout you
No, I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
No matter what you say or do
They say the dead can't hurt ya
'Cause they already left
But what they left can sure make you hurt yourself
And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
Since the dead started sittin' up too

Lawd, have mercy

Well, when Uncle Fred sat up, so did everyone there. And there came a great partin' of the foldin' chairs and that preacher nearly knocked me down. He said, "Oh, I'm headin' out that kitchen door". I hollered, "Rev, that kitchen ain't got no door in it". He said, "Don't worry, son, it will have in a minute".

And I ain't never seen so much jumpin' and shovin' before

And then somebody stepped on the old cat's tail. He let out a scream, a screech, a wail and to say the least, that howl didn't help to calm the situation down. And then that lightnin' flashed and that house went black and I spoke to my feets, I said, "Boys, make tracks". And I went through that screen door Lickity split for town.

[Well, I cut through the cemetery, fell in a hole
It was Uncle Fred's grave, and it was dark and cold
Yeah, the town drunk dug it and he dug it too deep
And unbeknownst to me, he's still in there asleep
And I'm scratchin' and jumpin', tryin' to get out of that hole,
And he woke up and said,
"You might as well come over here and sit down beside me boy,
'Cause you ain't getting' out of here tonight"...
But I did!]

And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
I don't know 'bout you
No, I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
No matter what you say or do
They say the dead can't hurt ya
'Cause they already left
But what they left can sure make you hurt yourself
And I ain't sittin' up with the dead no more
Since the dead started sittin' up too

Wadn't no sense in nobody sittin' up with Uncle Fred anyhow. Uncle Fred's done be gonna set up with his own self. Next time, I'm just gonna send flowers. Yeah.....

The Nice Guy Curse


This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last,
that
never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and
bitching
about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is
dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but
restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors
and
give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing
room
at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly
reiterate
how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the
appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of
support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back
attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who
respect a
girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing
style.


This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends
back
from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the
guys
who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy
male
population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but
give
them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game
where
the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend
material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice
guys
who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice
guys
who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.


This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone,
and
when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly
dissecting two
sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you
thought
her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all
ok and
she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the
best
killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in Halo2 to rant about a rumor
that
romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive
person
in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had
nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped
her
concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for
that
time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was
nothing
“serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you
knew
nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you,
justifying
each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re
just
friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm
body
for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.


The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps
more
disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they
should.
And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what
I
have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends
at
other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is
that
many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim
they
just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen,
they
say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or
“he
would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up
with
so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most
frustrating
of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to
lament the
lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their
too-nice-to-date
male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.
Sorry,
guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure
out
why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice
guy!)
and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But
one
thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon
doesn’t
last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that
train of
thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking
them for
granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier,
finding
the ones that are single.


So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice
guys. You
know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described
as
ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your
patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your
party
escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile.
For
all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the
situations
where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my
acknowledgement,
and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this
society, and
your well deserved vindication is coming.


Repost this if you're a nice guy
Girls Repost if you're lookin for this/or appreciate these guys

DAMN THEM ALL! Damn that was not funny. But at the same time it was funny as hell. That is the ONLY April fools joke that Elfpack has ever pulled on me that worked. The last 5 you guys and girls tried I saw right through. I never would have thought it was a late April fools joke. Keep up the good work.