Silly Stupid Jokes for you!

You're Probably a Redneck if...

(by Jeff Foxworthy)

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

3. Your home has more miles on it than your car.

4. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

5. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

6. Fewer than half of your cars run.

7. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

8. You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

9. Your family tree doesn't fork.

10. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

11. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

12. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

13. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

14. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

15. You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.

16. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

17. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"

18. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

19. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)

20. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

21. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

22. You've been too drunk to fish.

23. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

24. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

25. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run.)

26. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

27. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

28. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

29. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

30. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

31. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

32. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
[May I just say - EWWWW]

33. You have a very special baseball cap just for formal occassions.

34. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message "for a good time call..." because you feel guilty about putting it there.

35. You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.

36. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

37. You mow your lawn and find a car.

38. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, a jacket, and grabbing a flashlight.

39. You consider a three piece suit to be a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

40. You've ever made change in the offering plate at church.

41. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

42. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

43. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

44. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

45. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.

46. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

47. You celebrate groundhog day (cause you believe in it!)

48. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

49. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

50. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

51. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.

52. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible."

53. You've remaried twice and still have the same inlaws.

WARNING:
IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU.... YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...


((There were nearly 200 of these, so I just picked out some good(ish)ones))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here are some signs that you may just be a redneck Pagan...
(If you're not a pagen, these probably wont make any sense at all)

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top.....
If you think a "family tradition" is a dating club.....
If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade....
If your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.

If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...
If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do"....
If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame".....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest..
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night...
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.....
....you might just be a redneck Pagan.

If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars,
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's,
If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam, and the St. Pauli Girl,
....you just might be a redneck pagan.

If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing "Ring of Fire"...
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture...
If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people...
If your altar cloth says "Holiday Inn" or "Howard Johnson's"...
....you just might be a redneck pagan.

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom..
Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...
If you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.....
....you may be a redneck Pagan.

And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.....
Or if you have cast a love spell on livestock......
.....you are definitely a Redneck Pagan.



If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
If your Bard plays the banjo....
If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
If you use an engine block for an altar....
If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar...
You might be a Redneck Pagan

Some REALLY bad jokes

What do you call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
~~A Self-Cleaning Coven

What is the best thing about Pagan friends? ~~They worship the ground you walk on

What do you call a coven who vacation together at the seashore?
~~Sandwitches

Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey?
A: The Blessed Bee!

Q: What do you say to an angry witch?
A: Ribbit

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote
control?
A: She wanted to channel.

Ritual Rules

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite.
Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.


Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.


Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.


If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name.
Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.


While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.


Q:How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.
(alternatively: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.)

Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!"

Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "You do know what 'SOLITARY' means...?"

Q: How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One for each quarter.

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only two, but they have to be very small!