Welcome!

If you possibly couldn't tell by the wiki-title, this is an Anti-Twilight page; if you're going to cry or something for me bashing your favorite book, just leave. But, if you have the same dislikes for poor literature as I do, please, come in! Make yourself comfortable!

There are so many good reasons to not like Twilight, dear readers. Please follow the link below because the linked wiki makes good points that I will NOT be posting here for the fact that we don't need two wikis that are exactly the same.
Anti-Twilight Group


Now, then! First off, I think I'll get you familiar with the books through a simple (simple because the books were simple, mind you) walk-through of the series, brought to you by www.cracked.com.

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Cracked on Twilight

The Twilight series tells the story of Edward Cullen, a perfect vampire who is described as an "Adonis" no more than every time the author is able to, and Bella Swan, a "plain" girl who reads "serious" literature like Wuthering Heights because she's so intelligent. Also, she is much more advanced than the students in the school that she has just moved to, but that's okay, because she makes up for it by being clumsy, since every well-developed character needs exactly one (1) flaw.

The series is characterized by its exemplary writing style:


"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, distracted.


"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full - full of butterflies.

Book One: Twilight

Despite being so plain, Bella is admired by everyone in her new hometown of Forks, Washington, especially Edward Cullen. Originally, Edward just wanted to eat her, but, disappointingly, realizes eventually that in fact what he is feeling is true love, and after a couple of days they start dating. After two or three weeks, Bella is begging him to turn her into a vampire because of true love.

This isn't made explicitly clear in the book, but later the reader finds out that Edward has been outside the window to her room, watching her, for every night since he met her.

A mere number of days after they begin dating, Edward takes her to the woods and reveals the real reason that vampires don't go out in the sun: they sparkle. This is the turning point in what until now been just a bad book. Bella gasps and swoons, and Edward takes his shirt off to show her all of his glitter infection, and then they lie there chastely on the grass. The rest of the book is spent talking about true love and Edward's rock-hard abs. Kissing cold, marble, statuesque lips is apparently sexy.

Later, Bella kisses Edward so hard he almost "loses control", but luckily, as the man in the relationship, it's his duty to keep poor little overexcited Bella in line, so he tells her to stop kissing him.

Three hundred pages after "Oh, you like me too? No way, I thought you hated me!", the plot arrives late to the party, drunk, in a beat-up '53 Chevy pick-up truck. It drives away about fifty pages later and crashes into a tree, gets sent to the hospital, and is rarely heard from again throughout the course of the series.

For an abridged version of the script, see http://www.cracked.com/article_16878_if-twilight-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html.

Book Two: New Moon

Book Two begins with Bella angsting about reaching the old age of eighteen, which she worries will make her some sort of cradle-snatching freak because her boyfriend Edward is eternally seventeen. The fact that a 109-year-old vampire is sexually interested in an emotionally immature girl 90 years his junior apparently doesn't bother her. Edward cheers up Bella by giving her a mix tape. Unfortunately, later Edward changes his mind, takes back the mix tape, and dumps Bella. He leaves her in the forest by herself, and being a woman and thus without a sense of direction, she gets lost and almost dies.


Bella spends the rest of the book going crazy, imagining Edward's voice and partaking in ever more self-destructive activities. During this time she befriends Jacob Black, who turns out to be a werewolf but is still way better for her than Edward. She finally regains Edward's attention after she deliberately jumps off a cliff and almost dies. Edward, being a thirteen-year-old girl, thinks Bella has died and goes to Italy to commit suicide. He attempts to do this by exposing himself to the sun at noon in an Italian town. Since sunlight doesn't actually harm Twilight vampires, one must assume that Edward is hoping some macho Italians will see him in at full sparkle and beat him to death for being gay.

Bella teams up with Edward's sister Alice, who turns out to be straight and taken but is still way better for her than Edward, to rescue her ex from his emoness. After a crazy mix up that finds Bella and Edward temporarily in an Anne Rice novel, Edward reaccepts her.

This novel thus teaches two important lessons to young girls everywhere:

1) If a guy dumps you and says he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't mean it. All you have to do is beg and destroy your life to prove that you really love him, and he'll come right back and love you even more!

2) It is perfectly cool to string along innocent but decent guys who are crushing on you and then dump them immediately as soon as your ex-boyfriend reappears, and totally normal if said ex-boyfriend forbids you from seeing your old friend. After all, your love for your ex must be far stronger, because he makes you feel 'alive' and 'dangerous' since he's always on the verge of killing you. And stalking you. We can't really mention that enough.

Book Three: Eclipse

The plot revolves around a villain from the first book, who is stalking Bella. But this is just a background to the real plot, which is about Edward stalking Bella. The book focuses on the choice Bella must make between Jacob Black and Edward Cullen, two tall, good-looking, devoted men with cool supernatural abilities. This is exactly the kind of problem that normal women face every day.

Halfway through, Stephenie Meyer realizes that Jacob Black is far cooler than Edward and performs a quick character assassination by having him mouth-rape her. Bella punches him and runs away, but later discovers she loves him, which teaches us more lessons:

1) If a girl says she doesn't love you, just keep sexually assaulting her. Eventually she'll realize she likes it.

2) Leading two guys on for years because you 'love them both' is perfectly acceptable, as long as you feel really bad about it at some point.


All through this we learn more about more secondary characters, who like Alice and Jacob are far more interesting than either Edward or Bella. These include:

1) Edward's sister Rosalie, who performed a massacre that sounds like Kill Bill with vampires. Kill Bill! With vampires!!!

2) Edward's brother Jasper, who is old enough to have fought for the South, and used to take part in vampire turf wars. Vampire turf wars!!!!!!!!!

<sub>Normal Vampire Turf Wars:


Twilight Vampire Turf Wars:</sub>


Unfortunately, we only get about five pages each on these guys. This gives us more space for Bella and Edward to stare into each others' eyes and quote from Wuthering Heights, in a good example of the old 'mask the inadequacies of your own work by quoting from someone who could actually write' method.

Also, Bella thinks about vampires some more.

"It was childish, but I liked the idea that his lips would be the last good thing I would feel. Even more embarrassingly, something I would never say aloud, I wanted his venom to poison my system."

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Bella Swan: eighteen and already looking forward to death, she is the perfect role model for your young teenage girl. After an unintentionally hilarious end battle Bella and Edward decide to get married, bringing us to the end of yet another 700 pages without any fucking.

Breaking Dawn: The One With The Vampire Fucking

The newly-married Bella and Edward embark on their honeymoon, where Bella spends a lot of time getting Edward to make love to her. We like to think that he is afraid of this partly because he is afraid of hurting her with his super-strength, and partly because he is still freaked out about discovering that he is supposed to be heterosexual. "If I sleep with a woman, I'll have to go home and smash my piano," we imagine him thinking. "Will I still be able to drive a Volvo? What about me and Emmett's 'hiking trips'?"

There's also some blatant foreshadowing right around the time that the "Denali clan" is mentioned. Apparently it's illegal for vampires to have babies (and it's supposed to be impossible anyway) and if that rule is ever broken, the Italian Mafia Vampires from the second book will swoop down and kill the baby vampire and its family. Then Bella has a dream about a baby vampire sitting on a pile of deadified everyone-she-cares-about. We imagine that Meyer's editor had to cross out the "DUN DUN DUN" in the original manuscript.

Around this point, the reader is shocked and disturbed to find out that Stephenie Meyer is actually using vampirism to weave quite a skillful metaphor for adolescent fears about love and physical intimacy. Bella loves Edward so much that she is willing to give up her life for him. This desire, which seems unhealthy at first glance, is only possible because of her absolute trust in the fact that he would never willingly hurt her.

Before all that, though, Edward and Bella have another one of their annoying arguments. Vampires, especially Edward because he's so special, are supposed to be super-strong and primal, and Bella wants to have sex with Edward before he turns her into a vampire. Edward thinks it will hurt Bella. Bella says she doesn't care. We skip a couple pages.

Right before they have sex, Meyer remembers that she's writing out her fantasies for an audience now, and so she abruptly pulls a PG-13 "fade-to-black", disappointing any male Twilight fans who were hoping for a closer look at Edward.

When Bella wakes up, she is covered in feathers because the sex was so rough and passionate that Edward bit a pillow. Then Edward points out that Bella is covered in bruises. She brushes off his concern and then the two of them whine about how unhappy they are now because they've made each other unhappy by being unhappy, and then we kind of stopped reading for a couple of minutes. But we learned a few more things:

1) It doesn't matter if he hurts you

2) He only did it because he loves you.

Excluding all the questionable sex, you might start to think that maybe this book isn't an entirely bad influence on teenage girls, with its 'don't go to bed with anyone unless he has proven that he loves you' message. And then Stephenie Meyer takes that trust, uses it to get your address and credit card numbers, and then breaks into your house and poisons your dog.

Long story short: Bella gets pregnant. It goes downhill from there.

After a bunch of vampire/werewolf crap that nobody cares about, Jacob, Edward and Edward's sister all gather around Bella waiting for Edward's doctor father to return so that he can help her birth the fast-growing demon spawn. Bella has one fucking job, which is to not mess up until the doctor arrives. Being an adorably klutzy flawed heroine, she can't manage it. She trips on her way to the bathroom, and the reader is treated to the sound of the placenta displacing (a 'muffled ripping sound'--thanks for the image, Meyer, you bitch) and a description of Bella's bladder releasing, racehorse-like urine flowing down her legs and onto the floor and - oh wait, this is a Stephenie Meyer novel, so the heroine only does more delicate things. Like 'vomiting a fountain of blood'. No, we didn't make that part up.


_{Bella (artist's impression)}

With the baby suffocating, Edward and co decide to perform a vampire cesarean. Jacob takes some time off to write down 'Vampire Cesarean' as a possible future name for his punk band, and then races to Bella's side in time to hear her spine break.

Once again, we are not making this up.




Another shattering crack inside her body, the loudest yet... Her legs, which had been curled up in agony, now went limp, sprawling out in an unnatural way.

"Her spine," he choked in horror.

It's only implied, but we like to think Edward tries to cheer Bella up about the whole paralysis thing by saying 'Hey girl, at least we don't need an epidural!' Bella gurgles some more, and Jacob takes some time out of the birthing to randomly beat up Edward's sister. That's just how Jacob rolls. At some point, Edward rips open Bella's uterus and delivers the baby.

He rips open her uterus.

With his teeth.

Then stabs her with a vampire venom-filled syringe.

At this point the reader is filled with something not unlike calm relief. At least nothing, nothing in the world, could be more disturbing than this. Except, like, quasi-child porn or something. Luckily, of course, that would be entirely--

Then Jacob falls madly in love with the newborn baby girl.

No, we don't mean in the sense of 'Oh, I fell in love with that kitten the moment I saw it'. We mean in love love. Really, what we're trying to say--and let us know if you don't understand--is that Jacob the borderline rapist and the tiny baby vampire chest-burster are going to get married and have babies.

What Jacob did, Meyer explains, was "imprint" on the baby. Imprinting, in the Twilight universe, is what happens when a werewolf finds his soulmate. It means that the two of them are now destined to be together, no matter what. What if the girl is unwilling at first? Too bad, because she isn't any more! It's the psychic equivalent of GHB.

We must have misunderstood, though, because we found this quote from the author:

"They ended up being vampires in the way they are because I have strong opinions on free will. No matter what position you're in, you always have a choice. So I had these characters who were in a position where traditionally they would have been the bad guys, but, instead, they chose to be something different—a theme that has always been important to me."

Apparently Jacob is choosing to be a pedophile.


Meanwhile, newly de-babied Bella wakes up and describes being a vampire, which to us sounds an awful lot like being on shrooms.

"The brilliant light overhead was still blinding-bright, and yet I could plainly see the glowing strands of the filaments inside the bulb. I could see each color of the rainbow in the white light, and, at the very edge of the spectrum, an eighth color I had no name for. Behind the light, I could distinguish the individual grains in the dark wood ceiling above. In front of it, I could see the dust motes in the air, the sides the light touched, and the dark sides, distinct and separate. They spun like little planets, moving around each other in a celestial dance."

She then stared at her hands for forty minutes and announced "The real person is like, beneath the skin, dude."

We presume there is more to this book, but we gave up after fifty fucking pages of Bella sparkle. To be continued.

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See also:
http://psa.blastmagazine.com/2008/08/23/twilight-a-follow-up-and-a-promise/
http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html

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Now for some original rants, brought to you by [Deg].

I think I finally figured out exactly the reason I don't like Twilight! If Stephanie Meyer would have called the race of Edward anything BUT "vampire", I'd be cool. Because, really, he's not a vampire! You can't just take something that's already formed, and make these dumb new talents for them. A vampire doesn't go out during the day, is scary looking, and drinks your blood. 'Vampire' practically TRANSLATES into 'no love of any sort to give'.
Edward…flies through the trees like a fruit cake.
Like, when I say "duck", you all picture a cute, quacking, feathery bird.
If I say "vampire", you don't think 'can fly through the trees like a caffeinated squirrel'. That'd be like saying a duck doesn't fly, lives in the coral reef, and eats meat.
It's just not that way.
There are other reasons I don't like it, too, though...like, in general, it just sucks. Haha! Bet that really burned ya, huh!?
But really, it really, really sucks. Like...beyond the world of suckage.
I hate how they compared Meyer's writing to Stephen King. What bullshit is that?
I mean, she's written ONE (1) popular (popular doesn't equal good, mind you, and most people forget that--quality over quantity, mind you...except that's not a real good analogy because Stephen King has written in both QUANTITY and QUALITY, so THERE) series doesn't make her anywhere NEAR SK's level. Maybe if she dedicates the next, oh I dunno, whole life to her writing, she's still never going to be anywhere on the same level as SK. It's like putting a paraplegic in with a golden gloves boxer...it's just not right.
You know what else I've heard, too, too many times?
"Well, how many of Stephen King's books have been made into movies!?!?!?!!!!1!@@2!!"
Answer: A lot of them. A...fucking...ton of them.
Examples:
1976 - Carrie
1979 - Salem's Lot
1980 - The Shining
1982 - Creepshow (Five short films: "Father's Day," "The Lonesome Death of Jordy Verrill," "Something to Tide You Over," "The Crate," and "They're Creeping Up On You")
1982 - The Boogeyman (short film)
1983 - Cujo
1983 - The Dead Zone
1983 - Christine
1983 - Disciples of the Crow (short film)
1983 - The Woman in the Room (short film)
1984 - Children of the Corn
1984 - Firestarter
1985 - Cat's Eye (Three short films: "Quitters, Inc.," "The Ledge," and "The General")
1985 - Silver Bullet
1985 - Stephen King's Nightshift Collection (Two short films: "The Woman in the Room" and "The Boogeyman")
1985 - Word Processor of the Gods (episode of Tales from the Darkside)
1986 - Gramma (episode of The Twilight Zone)
1986 - Maximum Overdrive
1986 - Stand By Me
1987 - Creepshow 2 (Three short films: "Old Chief Wood'n'head," "The Raft," and "The Hitchhiker")
1987 - A Return to Salem's Lot
1987 - The Running Man
1987 - The Last Rung on the Ladder (short film)
1987 - Sorry, Right Number (episode of Tales from the Darkside)
1989 - Pet Sematary
1990 - The Cat From Hell (short film)
1990 - Graveyard Shift
1990 - It (TV mini-series)
1990 - Misery
1990 - The Moving Finger (Monsters episode)
1991 - Golden Years (TV miniseries)
1991 - Sometimes They Come Back
1992 - Sleepwalkers
1993 - The Dark Half
1993 - Needful Things
1993 - The Tommyknockers (miniseries)
1993 - Chinga (episode of The X-files)
1994 - The Shawshank Redemption
1994 - The Stand (miniseries)
1995 - The Langoliers (miniseries)
1995 - The Mangler
1995 - Dolores Claiborne
1995 - Stephen King's Nightshift Collection
1996 - Thinner
1997 - The Shining (TV miniseries)
1997 - Ghosts (music video)
1997 - The Night Flier (HBO Movie)
1997 - Quicksilver Highway (segment Chattery Teeth)
1997 - Trucks (TV Remake of Maximum Overdrive)
1998 - Apt Pupil
1999 - The Green Mile
1999 - The Rage: Carrie 2
1999 - Storm of the Century (TV miniseries)
1999 - Llamadas (short film)
2000 - Paranoid(short film)
2001 - Hearts in Atlantis
2001 - Strawberry Spring (short film)
2002 - Rose Red (TV miniseries)
2002 - The Dead Zone (TV Series)
2002 - Night Surf (short film)
2002 - Rainy Season (short film)
2002 - Carrie (TV movie remake)
2003 - Dreamcatcher
2003 - The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer (TV movie)
2003 - Autopsy Room Four (short film)
2003 - Here There Be Tygers (short film)
2003 - The Man in the Black Suit (short film)
2004 - Secret Window
2004 - Kingdom Hospital (TV series)
2004 - Salem's Lot (TV miniseries)
2004 - Luckey Quarter (short film)
2004 - The Secret Transit Codes of America's Highways (short film)
2004 - All That You Love Will Be Carried Away (short film)
2004 - Riding the Bullet
2005 - I Know What You Need (short film)
2006 - Desperation (TV miniseries)
2006 - Nightmares and Dreamscapes: From the stories of Stephen King
2006 - Suffer the Little Children (short film)
2007 - 1408
2007 - The Mist

Did I make my point, yet?
Another awesome (ha-ha) point I get is
"Well Twilight sold a bijillion copies and it sold far more than Stephen King's first book ever did!!11!!!!"
You know what else? When Stephen King put out his first best-selling (first out of more than Meyer can count to, most likely) book, sports heros had to get a second job in the off season because they were paid just as much as everyone else. The fact that we're willing to pay more for our amusement, which doesn't take a whole hell of a lot if you pay thousands of dollars to get up close and personal seat with a football team that doesn't even know your first name and couldn't care less because they're taking all your monies, or to orgasm over a poorly-written book like every other teenage girl in the universe, doesn't make it a good book at all. It just tells us how realy fucking lame we are.
Excuse me, how really fucking lame Twi-tards are.
You know what? There are plenty of reasons not to like Twilight. It's poorly written, unhealthy relationships, and just...just it's so dumb it makes me want to cry for the killing of my brain cells as I read.
And because a lot of people give me this
"Well of course you wouldn't like it you're a Stephen King fan you probably didn't even TRY to read Twilight!!!!!!1!!12!3"
I did try to read it. I tried. And I couldn't. I couldn't stand the writing style, at all. And what's wrong with being a Stephen King fan? Because I don't read books directed to girly little prudes, I'm biased? People, I've read more good novels than Meyer can even begin to hope to dream of, and they're not all Stephen King and you know why? I'm a fan, but I'm willing to admit some of his books sucked. I'm a fan of Stephen King, but I appreciate the writing style, not just the popularity of his books. I'm a fan, but I've read MORE than just his books! I READ, for goddsakes, a skill that's a fucking RARITY these days! So what, you've read THE TWILIGHT SERIES!? GOOD JOB! GOOD...FUCKING...JOB! But that doesn't mean you're a READER! Seriously, what other books have you read? The reason Twilight was so popular was because it was (agonizingly) easy to read--even the stupidest of dumb teenage girls could get through it with enough definitions of how fucking sexy Edward is(n't). And because that's the only book you've ever finished, of course you'd think it's good!
UGH!
Alright...that's it. That's all I have to say.
If you want to add your own rant, message me and I'll post it here for you.
And don't forget to check out
Anti-Twilight group