It's been over ten years since my wife and I pounded out our daughter. That's kind of an extremly sensitive way to say we had a child. It was a blessed event, a wonderful, miraculous thing. But it also showed me what a self-centered dick I am. The doctor says, "Mr. Goldthwait, we're going to have to perform a C-section." Instead of going, "Oh, my God, I hope everything's okay," I went, "Oh, great, I went to Lamaze for nothing,"
-Bobcat Goldthwait

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Everyone I know is having a baby and I'm childless. They all have these incredible stories and everything I do in comparision seems inconsequential. They say, "Well I was in labor for eleven hundred hours. I had the baby out in the woods. And now I'm back at work full time and I'm breast feeding." I'm like, "I bought a new skirt."
-Caroline Rhea

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The Vatican came down with a new ruling: no surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't make this rule before Jesus was born.
-Elayne Boosler

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She's screaming like crazy...You have this myth you're sharing the birthing experience. Unless you're cicumcising yourself with a chain saw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!
-Robin Williams

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